Category: Self Care

Get Back in the Boat

Posted on by Brook Thornley

It was junior high. We had just moved so I was the new girl. It was also the first day back to school and one of my new friends I had met ran up to me to announce that the football star and the student body president were both interested in me and wanted “to go out with me,” ( which meant that that we would publicly profess our dedication to each other, awkwardly talk in the hall a few times and then use that new status as a relationship to climb higher on the popularity ladder). I remember not wanting to pick because not only were the two choices fabulous options socially, but both guys really were nice, good guys and somehow I could tell that within just a few days.

After about a week I discovered I really liked talking to the student body president, but the football star was so dreamy, so I had made up my mind that I socially could not go wrong with picking the football star. I was the new girl, in a new school, going out with the football star. I was just rowing my boat in the bliss of junior high life…for about three days. Then the football star became disinterested and I found myself “dumped” back into the normalcy of junior high life.

Well, I had not lost my sense of self and still knew who I was so my confidence was intact, but my pride was not. In preparing to return back to school on the fourth day I needed a plan; one that would allow me to enter the halls appearing unaffected by the whole situation and a way to show that I was so fine. My mother advised me to hold my head up and be strong and just get through it—and of course wear the absolutely cutest outfit I could find. That always helped.

The fourth day came. I was in my fabulous outfit. I still remember it: fire engine red pants that fit perfectly, a red and white high contrast shirt for a little sophistication and authority, and some fabulous wedge high heels.

I was feeling great about myself. There I was in the hall at school walking towards a few guys when I spotted him—the football star. He was walking with his friend towards “the ramp” (in our school we had a big hallway that was a ramp where stairs usually are to get from one level to the next but it allowed for more students to pass through at a time so it was a large space). There was only the two of them and then me coming up behind. I picked up my confidence and my speed. Right as I passed them I flipped my hair; a gesture to show I was unaffected and in control. It was perfect until the force of the flip met my high heels and consequently I fell face down and did a superman slide, arms out and all, down the entire ramp screaming the whole way. My books all flew in the air and landed at the bottom of the ramp along with me.

There I lay, face down, dying. The cute football star who I know didn’t want any part of this, scooted over and, standing above me but not looking at me, said in a whisper, “do you need help?”  Still looking down I said, “No I’m actually good!!”

Well, needless to say, not my finest moment. But we all have those, right? The trick is not avoiding them. They are a part of life. A part of “opposition in all things” and the bad experiences with the good. The trick is still believing in ourselves and getting up…Immediately back into the boat of life and start paddling. Do not stay in the water of self doubt. You WILL arrive at your destiny if you just keep getting back in the boat and paddling.  No matter how many times you experience your own personal “dump.” Believe you can keep getting back in. Staying in the water of self doubt will get you nowhere. You will fail. So just get in and row.

I did just that and actually ended up going out with the student body president. It lasted quite a bit longer. The best part was I became good friends with both and have great memories. If I had given up I probably would have let it be a moment that defined me in a negative way and who knows what damage that could have done.

As you have the experiences and work on getting back in the boat, remember that every design jumps back in and rows differently. Here are some things each design can do to help them get back in and keep going:

         Saturated: Change the goal. Your design is skilled in being able to find a better way than before to get back in and row.

         Whitened: Enroll and change it up. Make it fun or exciting. Do it differently use your spontaneity. In these moments that is what works best.

         Grayed: Tread water for a moment and think it through. That’s what you are good at. Find all the connections then carefully and meticulously get back in the boat.

         Blackened: Just hit it. See it as a challenge rather than a disrupted expectation and conquer it.

What is your version of being “dumped?” Whatever it is, find your initiative and get back in your boat. Row in the way you are comfortable. Engage in something you are good at whether it be physical or mental. Find joy in it. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece!

The Fantasy Rescue: Saving Ourselves

Posted on by Brook Thornley

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you just want someone to rush in and save the day? We all do.

 

One of my favorite childhood stories was Cinderella. I loved and still love the part where Prince Charming swoops in and saves her from “one of those days, “or even “one of those lives.” I could watch it over and over and never get tired of it. When I was small it was so fun to imagine the future and how many times a “Prince Charming” of sorts would swoop in and save the day. The problem is sometimes in reality it feels more like a moment from another movie I like and it becomes more of an ogre moment instead of a Prince Charming moment because it is done differently than I imagined. It all lies in the expectation.

Intensely Idealized Expectations
The key word is intensely. When we take our fantasy and turn it into an expectation, and take that expectation to the extreme, we can create “ogre moments” instead of “Prince Charming” ones.

Think about a paramedic for a moment. When you get physically hurt often times we have a hero that rescues us, like a paramedic. A paramedic rushes in and restores us. Gets us to where we can get the help we need. No questions asked; they just swoop in, pick us up, and put us back together. Emotionally we sometimes need the same thing. Someone to swoop in and make it better, no questions asked. The problem lies when we expect others to be our hero or paramedic and rush in to save us when in reality we need the skills to do it for ourselves. The problem with someone doing it for us is we might have an expectation of how we need them to rescue us and they are not informed of, or even capable of meeting, that expectation so it can just make things worse.

The reason we sometimes intensely idealize expectations is because it blocks the pain of our reality. Kind of like being “locked in the tower.”  We need to learn to function in reality instead of that expectation so we are functioning at a higher and healthier level where we can be problem-solving and solution focused. We know it’s an intensely idealized expectation because it’s not realistic (kind of like the Prince Charming moment). To switch back to reality we need to jump start our initiative and do it in the way we know best. And we need to do it for ourselves. Be our own Prince Charming and paramedic and let everyone else just play the part of a real relationship the way it was intended to be.

If you are Saturated you may need order and competence. Provide that for yourself by creating the situation you want, then let others contribute to it. Then your expectations are reasonable and are covered. Let everyone else just add their talents to your experience and then they can just enhance it instead of being responsible to save it.

Whitened people can rescue themselves with their ability to move freely through a task or situation. They literally just keep moving here and there until something great happens. They try one hundred things and can’t help but fall into a few that are truly brilliant!

Someone who is Grayed can imagine all the possibilities and literally solve problems in their head before they physically work it out. They are so methodical and thorough that sometimes the problem is solved and precautions are put into place before the problem arises, so like magic it is not even a problem anymore.

When a Blackened person shows up and they are functioning in reality they are so practical that they will use their assertiveness and efficiency to solve the problem before it has a chance to get any bigger.

Function within your design and just like that there is no need for a fantasy rescue. I still love the story but even more so I love having the ability to really solve any problem in the way I do it best at any given time. It makes me more emotionally powerful and gives me a certain confidence that I don’t need to rely on external conditions to solve my problems.

It is so comforting and so important to know I control my emotions. I am strong. You are too. Dig deep inside and find those traits. Use them. Don’t wait around for a fantasy rescue. You can do it. You have everything you need. You were born with your unique and special abilities. Remember who you are and how you are made.  Remember all of your talents and use them. Don’t forget that you have a uniqueness that no one else has. Use it to your advantage.

And always remember everyone is a masterpiece.

 

Lazy Days of Summer: Relaxing by Design

Posted on by Brook Thornley

Lazy days of summer! We say that but when we really take a look at some of our summer days they can be anything but lazy. 

For example: on one particular summer trip a Human Art employee was so looking forward to relaxing. She had worked so hard to prepare for the trip. She had doubled up on her duties the days before in order to get everything done so she felt good about leaving. She was so excited to get out on the road to start her trip. She found herself in a car with one family member who was very Whitened and another family member who was very Blackened. The Human Art employee was Saturated. The first hour or so on the road the Saturated employee was just enjoying her time being introverted and feeling quite peaceful. Just then the others started bombarding her with questions like, “Are you ok?” “What are you thinking about?” “Why are you being so quiet?” Although it might have seemed like something was wrong to the others, actually everything was right for the Saturated employee. It just looked wrong to the other designs because they relax differently.

When we get bogged down or have too much regiment or even dwell on too much pressure, we tend to look for liberating conditions (ways to rejuvenate or free ourselves from what is weighing on us). Sometimes it is an actual vacation like for the person above, other times it may simply be a change in scenery or routine for a short time. Whatever they are, these liberating conditions will look completely different for each design.

People who are predominately Saturated look for quality conditions. So whatever they deem quality for the liberating conditions tends to be the only thing they concentrate on. For example, if they wanted to go on a trip specifically to relax they would do the best job at relaxing and find the best conditions in which to do that. Their “Can Be” is they tend to be all or nothing, so if they can’t relax or find a quality way to do it they tend to not want to do anything else.

People who are predominantly Whitened just like to go with the flow and find the spontaneity in each new day. They’ll love to just wake up and see where the day takes them. They love to be social and surround themselves with as many people as they can. The “Can Be” is that they don’t like to plan, so they can run into some chaos.

People who are predominantly Grayed love to romance the details of their liberation. They love the planning part of a trip or the liberating conditions and oftentimes get more pleasure in the process leading up to the trip. They like to take their time and relish in the details of their surroundings. The “Can Be” is they can over think, get overwhelmed, and expect the rest of the group to move at their pace.

A Blackened person is very task driven and projects are very relaxing to them. They either plan tasks or projects the entire trip or during the time they are liberating or they plan out events and take you from place to place to place. The awesome thing is you experience a lot and don’t miss out on anything. They tend to fill every moment with something to do. The “Can Be” is they can run you ragged and wear you out and you come home from the trip or liberating conditions exhausted and needing another vacation.

It is important to rejuvenate in the way you relate to liberating conditions and allow others to do it in their way. When we don’t take into consideration the designs of the other people around us and the way they liberate, we can really cause problems in relationships. There is high potential to miss each other. Just like the earlier example of our employee, the other people in the car would have welcomed her silence if they would have understood her better.

Each person on a trip or involved in liberating conditions could take responsibility to provide their own fun and relaxation, but we also need to be open to each other and make sure there’s plenty of liberating time for all designs involved. We would all do better to take into consideration the other designs’ activities before the trip and plan accordingly. It will teach us all how to have more fun and a lot more empathy for others. We all have all four designs so when we take the time to participate in another design’s activities we really can play to that part of our design.

So remember to have fun this summer! Stop and take time for liberating conditions, do it in the way that suits you best, and have enough empathy for others to give them equal time.

And remember everyone’s a masterpiece.

Bloom Where You Are Planted…In Your Unique Design

Posted on by Brook Thornley

One of my favorite sayings is “bloom where you are planted.” It’s an old one but I never get tired of it. I guess it’s because it works. To me it means you can succeed in any situation no matter where you are or what the challenge is. I think in every point in life it feels like there is a test or a trial to be faced. That is why this well used saying works for me. It serves as a reminder. It works every time.

There are a few things required in order to “bloom where you are planted.”

First, use discovery to assess the conditions in which you are planted. Use discovery and collect all the accurate information you can about your situation.  Look around you (kind of like a detective would).

Delete fear. Future threats and past failures tend to worry us and make us afraid. Take them out of your discovery process and truly look at what is going on right now, in the moment. For example, maybe you find yourself currently in a big mud pit of life (or possibly a small one that feels more like an inconvenience). Look around and see what is going on. What is available and how you could move forward right now? Take out unrealistic expectations; sometimes we just have to do the next best thing. That’s good enough and reasonable.

Second, use your authentic gifts and talents. To get us out and actually blooming, just plug them right in. If you know who you are, you will know what to do. If you still struggle defining who you are, start there. Look for your authentic traits, get to know them and try them out. Going back to the example of being stuck in the mud, pick one trait and plug it in to that situation. For example, maybe you are a “get ‘er done” person. So you just start moving, then you start shoveling. The next thing you know you have dug yourself out and created a nice hole for a foundation to be poured and something new can be built.

Third, celebrate your accomplishments. Acknowledge them with gratitude. A feeling of gratitude always makes us happy and actually releases good chemicals in our body.

Each design has its own talents and strengths. Look at where you are planted right now, at this very moment in your life. What does it really look like? How big is the mud pit and how stuck are you? Then look at your design and start plugging in your talents to overcome it in your own way. Not how someone else does it. How YOU do it.

SATURATED
Logical and clear
Disciplined
Capable
Influential
Uncompromising (when it comes to correct principles)
Reserved and cool
Simple

WHITENED
Quick thinker
Multi-tasker
Flexible
Spontaneous
Enrolling through emotional strength
Non-threatening
No guile

GRAYED
Meticulous
Thorough
Connector (they can think of all the could be’s, might be’s, and all possible connections)
Analyzer
Conservative
Calm
Refined
Emotional strength

BLACKENED
Resourceful
Real
Task-oriented
Considerate
Warm
Logical
Pragmatic

 

So today start where you are standing (or planted), and go ahead and bloom. Like the first flower of summer that is so exciting. Don’t look back, and keep blooming in your way; a way no one else can. That’s what makes you unique and able to succeed.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.