New Year Goals by Design – Part 3 – Grayed

Posted on January 15, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Just a quick note. Thank you so much for the positive response to this topic. I had messages from some of you saying they can’t wait for the Grayed and Blackened inner landscape tool. I appreciate those of you who expressed they are using the others and that it is helping. (If you haven’t read the first two articles, you can read them here: Part 1 – Saturated, Part 2 – Whitened) So let’s move right into the Grayed, and to all those who are anxious for the Blackened, I promise that is just a week away!

*Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom from Pexels*

The Grayed design craves connection, so the required inner landscape tool is engagement. The central focus of the Grayed design is navigating life through the details so these people can get caught up in the details and possibly find themselves overthinking their goals. This has the potential to get them in a place where they might over analyze the complexity of the goal and become overwhelmed. It is the overwhelmed feeling that leads to avoidance.

When you meet a Grayed person you can immediately notice and feel how engaged they are in the details of a process or a goal, so you might not think they need to learn how to be engaged. You are correct. They don’t always have a problem engaging, it is staying engaged when a problem arises. It is very tempting for them to avoid or put it off because they cannot line up the details.

When a Grayed person sets a New Year’s goal, they take a lot of time planning it out, writing down lists or plans and all of the components. They are good at seeing the, “what could be?” or “what might be?” (all the contingencies of the goal). That is the very part that can lead them into avoidance. If they perceive a confrontation, or that it might not work, that is what leads them to “put it on hold” or “put it off for another time.” This can lead to self-doubt and discouragement.

When a Grayed person comes into Human Art they often express that they feel stuck in avoidance but others perceive them as being stubborn. When we explain that this is more to do with an inner dialogue and a feeling of second guessing themselves, and immediately add the inner landscape tool of staying engaged in the process or the goal, we start to see them thrive. We teach them that part of engagement is to collaborate more; so more conversations need to happen, more questions asked for curiosity, and more describing what they feel to bring people along—then no confrontation is required. When they do that, we notice they start to engage again.

So the call to action this week is to engage, or stay engaged in bettering yourself. Don’t quit or avoid when it gets hard. Just enter the conversation, say something. Start somewhere and keep a steady rhythm of progress. It can be slow, just keep it steady. Create small steps and keep moving forward to keep you engaged in the process. Make lists, have conversations, stay in the moment, and remember:

Everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

READ OUR OTHER GOALS BY DESIGN POSTS!

Part 1 -Introduction and Saturated
Part 2 – Whitened
Part 4 – Blackened
Part 5 – Landscape Your Goals

New Year Goals by Design – Part 2 – Whitened

Posted on January 7, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

This week we are continuing our series on goal-setting by design and inner landscapes by talking about the Whitened design. If you missed last week’s post explaining this topic and teaching about the Saturated design, click here to read it.

The Whitened design craves healthy social interaction, so the inner landscape tool that is required is the ability to qualify and disqualify in a healthy way. The central focus of the Whitened design is social and change, and they have a great ability to enroll others. Because of this trait they tend to be very trusting and want to enroll everyone. Therefore, the inner landscape tool of being able to qualify what is healthy or who is healthy is an absolute must.

The need for this skill can seem confusing to a Whitened person because of the fact that the amount of Whitened they have is the degree of that “no guile or agenda” of their personality that they have. Because of that fact, they might feel like they are being inconsiderate, judgmental, or mean if they have to qualify someone or something. This is the very reason they take a long time to disqualify someone or something—they will hang in there longer than others. The ability to qualify someone or thing is an intermediate judgment and helps us evaluate if someone or something is healthy for us. It is not a final judgment on a person, event, or thing—we usually don’t have enough information for that—but we can quickly assess in an intermediate judgment if something is healthy for us if we use our ability to qualify or disqualify.

If you talk to a Whitened person, you will quickly see that they do have the ability to qualify but it is usually in things to do or places that might be interactive, or even how to make someone happy. The real work is in learning to disqualify unhealthy people or things in their life because they want to give it a chance. But learning to set boundaries for a Whitened person, or protecting their agenda at the same time they are being kind, will always lead them to a strong inner landscape, good relationships and the ability to set goals and stick to them.

We see this all of the time at Human Art. When a Whitened person comes in they are usually kind. When they add the inner landscape tool of qualifying and disqualifying in a healthy way they thrive and quickly become kind but with boundaries to keep themselves safe. They are considerate and accommodating, but quickly it becomes based on correct principles and not strong emotion or over pleasing.

I hope last week’s call to action helped you in your week. The call to action this week is to strengthen the Whitened inner landscape tool in you. To the degree you related to the Whitened design or personality, is the degree you need to improve this skill. Whether it is a little or a lot any improvement will lead to success when setting goals.

Good luck again this week, keep at it, and remember:

Everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

READ OUR OTHER GOALS BY DESIGN POSTS!

Part 1 -Introduction and Saturated
Part 3 – Grayed
Part 4 – Blackened
Part 5 – Landscape Your Goals

New Year Goals by Design – Part 1 – Saturated

Posted on December 31, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Happy New Year! This is the time of year we all make goals and intently try to keep them but, as the story goes, we seem to run out of steam and by about March we are back into our old ways. Not everyone does this but for most of us it is an established pattern. The problem is not in our desire to grow and progress, it is in a step before that and has more to do with needing a few more tools. So this year why don’t we slow things down a bit, take a step back, and focus on those tools that are needed. Once we do that, we are in a good, healthy place to see our goal through. We call this setting goals by design.

There are four main tools or skills that are needed when we are trying to develop oneself. At Human Art, we call this process developing our “inner landscape.” It is an emotional inner landscape and it has four areas. Each design has its corresponding tool in each area, which it requires to function at its full potential. To have a complete and healthy inner landscape as humans, we need all four. To the degree we have each design, is the degree we need to develop the tool or skill.

Identifying Inner Landscape Tools for Each Design

♦ The Saturated design craves order, so the required inner landscape tool is discipline.

♦ The Whitened design craves healthy social interaction, so the required landscape tool is the ability to qualify and disqualify in a healthy way.

♦ The Grayed design craves connection, so the required inner landscape tool is engagement.

♦ And the Blackened design craves tasks, so the required inner landscape tool is effort.

We each have all four designs in our personality. To the degree our personality manifests the design is the degree we need the tool.

We are going to focus on one design and its inner landscape tool each week for the next four weeks. That will give you the time to work on each one and how it applies to your personality. we will start with the Saturated design.

The Saturated design needs order, so the required inner landscape tool is discipline. The central focus of the Saturated design is quality, so these people tend to narrow in on the one area that they deem quality in their life and they put all of their attention towards that area. Yes, that is discipline, but it is only in one area. The required tool is to learn to use that discipline in all areas. It doesn’t need to be as intense in all areas, just a broader focus and spread out throughout their lives.

When a Saturated person sets a New Year’s goal they tend to focus only on that, and they can let other areas go unattended. So they almost always meet their goal but find themselves behind in life and relationships because they neglected everything else to obtain the New Year’s goal. That leads to discouragement and they want to throw it all out. This is when they start to make declarations like “I just can’t do this anymore,” or “I’m just done,” or “I just need a break.” This leaves those around them confused and uncertain of what they might mean when they say this.

We see this all the time as we work with Saturated people. We have a service where we can break down the exact amount of Saturated design you have in all areas of your life (physical, social, emotional, etc.) and we get to work immediately implementing the required inner landscape tools and it is amazing how fast the person can progress in their goals when they learn to use all the tools properly.

The call to action on this first week of January is to determine how much of the Saturated inner landscape tool you need. Try spreading discipline around in your life and see how that makes you feel about yourself. Focus on that this week and then we will add another one in week two. 2019 will be a banner year for all of us if we first develop that inner landscape, which will lead to more fulfilling goal-setting and success down the line.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

READ OUR OTHER GOALS BY DESIGN POSTS!

Part 2 -Whitened
Part 3 – Grayed
Part 4 – Blackened
Part 5 – Landscape Your Goals

Let There Be Peace on Earth and Let it Begin With Me

Posted on December 24, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Merry Christmas from all of us at Human Art!

Each week of this December we have been highlighting a different Christmas song. It has brought an added measure of the Christmas spirit around here. Because we picked a song to focus on each week, it created an environment where the words of the song were on all our minds as we went about our work week. More importantly, we found ourselves talking about the songs with each other. These were not planned conversations, they just happened here and there, spontaneous exchanges of what each person saw in the meaning or words of the song we had selected.

This week was no exception, but for me the words rang quietly yet still powerfully in my mind leading up to Christmas day. “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.” Such a beautiful song. A wish of sorts, “Peace on earth.” We would all love that but it’s really such a big order. How could one person like me even begin to contribute to an overall effect of “Peace on earth”? Some days I would wonder if it was just a cliché, other days I would really have a desire to make a difference—but how? Then I thought about the rest of the phrase “and let it begin with me.” Could I really, as one person, make a difference when it came to peace on earth? Could it really begin with me or you?

I know that I have definitely tried. I seriously have no idea how much of a difference I have made as I travel around spreading the message of Human Art. I do not know if I have changed the life one person, many, or possibly none, but I know that it has changed mine. The people that I have met. The conversations that I have experienced, and the friends that are important to me have brought so much happiness into my life and I think in a small way that is a form of peace. It is from my point of view.

Anytime a conversation or interaction that is good or kind is taking place instead of something negative, I think that is a form of peace. I believe it has the potential to change the earth. Maybe not in a large way, but in a small space where that exchange is taking place at that moment. A mother that is calm instead of caught up in the stress of the season. Maybe someone at work that stops to listen instead of trying to get out the door quickly. How about a person in a long line being patient instead of aggravated at the length of the line and the time it is taking. Just being kind and serving however you can. Most importantly, just celebrating each person’s design or personality instead of fighting to be right.

Maybe that is what the song is singing out, maybe it is not one big act to create peace on earth but millions of little ones in tiny spaces. Maybe that is the very form of peace that it is referring to. What if that was the call to action? The notes seem to pause and beg for it and the words tell us what to do.

It’s Christmas: open presents, eat Christmas dinners, be with your family and friends, but where ever you are when you read this, pause in that space and create a little of that kind of peace, peace on earth… and let it begin with you. It will be worth it because everyone deserves peace, and everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

*photo source: pexels.com, text added by Human Art*

Human Art Presents: The Twelve Ways of Christmas – Good Relationship Gifts

Posted on December 18, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We all have to be creative when we give those we love a different gift each year. Trying to come up with something they will enjoy and that will give that feeling of excitement and joy can be a challenge after a few years of giving to the same person. One gift that has the potential to bring deep joy and connection, and is also the same each time (in fact consistency just enhances the power of it), is the gift of a healthy relationship. It is also a gift that is not just gifted on Christmas but every day of the year. That is the gift of a good healthy relationship. So my song choice this week is the “Twelve Days of Christmas” but I offer you a different version: The Twelve Ways of Christmas for a healthy relationship.

Human Art presents:The 12 Ways of Christmas…
that your true love can give you
which lead to healthy relationships!!!

The first way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Real emotions to share with me.

Real emotions are true vulnerability. True vulnerability is being honest about how you feel. True vulnerability is having the courage to be honest with yourself about how you feel and being honest when you express your emotions with others. It takes integrity to be vulnerable. It also requires character to be strong enough to be honest even when it is difficult. It is also important to have safe conditions when we are honest. Creating that in relationships can be a lot of work but is worth the effort when it leads to the gift of a healthy relationship.

The second way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Attention and loves. That is a skill that always helps when it comes to overlapping or co-regulating a conversation or a relationship. We know we are co-regulating when both people in a conversation or interaction are holding each other’s emotions and feelings safe. They are giving those emotions the required amount of attention and love. They are not preoccupied with their own feelings and emotions because the other person is holding them safe for them which leaves them free to focus on other’s needs. If both participants in the interaction are doing their part, no one’s emotions are left unattended. In this dynamic it becomes almost instinctive to reach out to the other person and offer some level of love for them.

The third way of Christmas my true love gave to me
See through my lens,
Attention and loves
And real emotions to share.

See through my lens. That means exactly what it says. The gift or the skill to put your emotions aside and see things through your partner’s lens. To be fully present and trying in some way to walk through an experience just the way they did. Curious about emotions that other person might have experienced and why they experienced them that way. It is one of the truest forms of kindness, it is true compassion and it is a beautiful gift to give.

The fourth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

More kind words and less labels. Labels are those peppered words that we shout out when we are mad or frustrated. They are an attempt to gain control in any power struggle. Yes, they are effective at first because they startle others, but that power or control only lasts about 4 seconds and, because of the harshness that accompanies them, you quickly move out of a place of control and into a rapid decline in respect and credibility. Some labels can be so destructive that it might feel impossible to recover from them. We might even be in a situation where we cannot recover from them and it is at the expense of the relationship. Kind words are always a way to keep things neutral in a relationship. It leaves us all in a safe and neutral place. We are not ignoring the negative we are just in a safe place to express those negative feelings. We create a culture where people can tolerate a discussion about negative dynamics for a much longer amount of time, so much more is accomplished and so much more understanding is achieved.

The fifth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

HARMONY SINGS….Harmony – “in agreement or concord” – what a beautiful gift. When we agree to let each other be and feel and experience life in the way they see it or experience it we are literally celebrating that person with an astounding amount of compassion and empathy. We know when we are in that place because we find our self curious and full of discovery. We eliminate assumptions and we ask questions. We have fewer urges to control, and more listening takes place. The best part of harmony is it feels good to all and every one leaves the interaction feeling validated and loved. When we both feel validated and we are in agreement (sometimes to disagree) we are now at a point where we can start the process of negotiating with each other.

The sixth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Gee wiz- just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

“Gee wiz-Just sayin’.” This one speaks to criticism (self and others) verses appreciation. In relationships the old saying “what you focus on will grow,” is so true. If we focus on what is unfair or unmet needs instead of what we are grateful for, it potentially can become a bigger problem in our relationships. I am not suggesting to ignore unhealthy dynamics, just the opposite, I am saying to resolve them in a healthy manner. Resolve them at the time. Use good communication and collaboration skills and develop the dynamics. Turn them from weaknesses in the relationships to strengths and healthy hallmarks of how you interact. If we resolve them in a reasonable manner and time, we free up more time and energy to focus on what we appreciate about each other.

The seventh way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No right fights, just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

No right fights-just winning… In destructive relationships or in digression when interacting with others, we often find we waste a lot of time “right fighting.” The need to be right starts to replace healthy validation and we lose our ability in the interaction to read social cues correctly. This is due to a survival system that kicks in during right fighting and is primitive in nature. We start malfunctioning. We find ourselves narrow in out pursuit to be right. If we can abort the mission of right fighting and engage in healthy self reflection (not easy I know) it will lead to solutions where we can all walk away validated and a winner, which then leads to a feeling of connection not isolation.

The eighth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Positive not sulking,
no right fights, just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’
HARMONY SINGS
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Positive not sulking. This way speaks to a victim stance or victim identity. Some people don’t believe they can get their own vulnerability. They don’t believe in needs meet through solutions. this is due to the fact they have not had good results with it. For that reason they find it difficult to stay solution focused, so instead of developing the ability to effect a situation for good they seem to find more success in identifying with their injury or victimhood (keep in mind they most likely have experienced a significant injury so don’t minimize that fact) and attempt to get needs met through being a victim. It works short term but in the long run wears relationships out and ends up alienating those who love them. They simply wear them out. We all have an injury of some sort. If we can identify with positive solutions and thriving after an injury, it puts us back on track to pulling people close to us again in a happy solutions focused way of interacting.

The ninth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Celebrate and dancing… in other words bring the romance of Christmas into the relationship.
In fact, do this one all year long. This means spending time together. Offering the appropriate amount of attention that is needed for the relationship or interaction. Negotiate how much attention is needed. That act in and of itself is one of the best ways to develop deep and meaningful connections. Sacrifice the time you use for other things and put that energy into the relationships that are important. It will only produce good things. Make sure to be in a place emotionally were you are committed to celebrating your partner in the relationship and take the time to focus on them. If they are healthy, they will in turn focus on you. If they don’t, that is just good information.

The tenth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Keeping promises,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Keeping promises is really speaking to the skills of commitment and your word. This is an important skill to have in any relationship. It is an identity characteristic and it is another requirement in healthy relationships. Not everyone in a relationship is strong in this area, and that is ok, not all is lost. We just have to get busy developing it. When we commit to something and we don’t have the skill to see it through we have 2 choices. We can get vulnerable and express this concern or barrier with those we love and ask for help to develop that character trait, or we can renegotiate with the other person or persons involved to better meet the needs of everyone involved and still allow for conditions to push past the barrier. The key is being open and honest. If we have made a commitment and we don’t renegotiate we can see the commitment through and then learn from it to better negotiate the next time. The key is to keep our word.

The eleventh way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No complaints and griping,
Promises keeping,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz -just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Griping and complaining is a form of passivity. It is a passive-aggressive way to communicate in a relationship when words cannot be used. When healthy communication and collaboration goes out of a relationship, it is quickly replaced with resentment and the new language of complaining and griping replaces it and it is now the dialog that is used. When this happens, find a way to put abruptly put everyone involved into a renegotiation to get back to using communication. Ask for help if needed.

The twelfth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No checking out and numbing,
No complaints and gripping,
Promise keeping,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

This last way, no checking out and numbing, is a skill that is an internal form of aggression. It is better known as avoidance. It is interesting to observe that in a relationship when we find avoidance, the person doing the avoiding has a survival way of thinking, “if I avoid this it will just freeze and wait for me to come back and deal with it when I want.” That is the bad joke it plays on everyone involved, the avoidant person and all the others experiencing the consequences of the avoidance. It does not freeze. The others in the relationship are forced to pick up and deal with the situation without the avoidant parties engagement or feedback so in turn they are left in a position to give no feedback or preferences. Life just moves on and dynamics change, people make choices, and eventually you see the avoidance did not freeze at all. It just left things to keep rolling UNATTENDED by the avoidant party and leads to destructive consequences that are worse later. Make sure there are healthy and safe communication skills for all parties to re-engage to negotiate barriers and affect relationships and dynamics for good.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The truth is, we interact with a lot of good humans at Human Art. Each year we see in some cases sadness. Sadness due to the fact that things in their relationship are not fulfilling and they are not finding the joy and attention that they want and crave. They all seem to love the person that they desire it from. That is the point. They love them.

Try giving these gifts. Try all of them. If you can’t do that, just try a few. Find someone that you are not getting along with and just implement one of these skills. Try giving one to yourself. It is also self-care. Give one to the person the closest to you, even if things are going well. It will continue to strengthen the relationship. Let your loved one know of your intention and see what you get in return.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook