Tag: Christmas

Human Art Presents: The Twelve Ways of Christmas – Good Relationship Gifts

Posted on December 18, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We all have to be creative when we give those we love a different gift each year. Trying to come up with something they will enjoy and that will give that feeling of excitement and joy can be a challenge after a few years of giving to the same person. One gift that has the potential to bring deep joy and connection, and is also the same each time (in fact consistency just enhances the power of it), is the gift of a healthy relationship. It is also a gift that is not just gifted on Christmas but every day of the year. That is the gift of a good healthy relationship. So my song choice this week is the “Twelve Days of Christmas” but I offer you a different version: The Twelve Ways of Christmas for a healthy relationship.

Human Art presents:The 12 Ways of Christmas…
that your true love can give you
which lead to healthy relationships!!!

The first way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Real emotions to share with me.

Real emotions are true vulnerability. True vulnerability is being honest about how you feel. True vulnerability is having the courage to be honest with yourself about how you feel and being honest when you express your emotions with others. It takes integrity to be vulnerable. It also requires character to be strong enough to be honest even when it is difficult. It is also important to have safe conditions when we are honest. Creating that in relationships can be a lot of work but is worth the effort when it leads to the gift of a healthy relationship.

The second way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Attention and loves. That is a skill that always helps when it comes to overlapping or co-regulating a conversation or a relationship. We know we are co-regulating when both people in a conversation or interaction are holding each other’s emotions and feelings safe. They are giving those emotions the required amount of attention and love. They are not preoccupied with their own feelings and emotions because the other person is holding them safe for them which leaves them free to focus on other’s needs. If both participants in the interaction are doing their part, no one’s emotions are left unattended. In this dynamic it becomes almost instinctive to reach out to the other person and offer some level of love for them.

The third way of Christmas my true love gave to me
See through my lens,
Attention and loves
And real emotions to share.

See through my lens. That means exactly what it says. The gift or the skill to put your emotions aside and see things through your partner’s lens. To be fully present and trying in some way to walk through an experience just the way they did. Curious about emotions that other person might have experienced and why they experienced them that way. It is one of the truest forms of kindness, it is true compassion and it is a beautiful gift to give.

The fourth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

More kind words and less labels. Labels are those peppered words that we shout out when we are mad or frustrated. They are an attempt to gain control in any power struggle. Yes, they are effective at first because they startle others, but that power or control only lasts about 4 seconds and, because of the harshness that accompanies them, you quickly move out of a place of control and into a rapid decline in respect and credibility. Some labels can be so destructive that it might feel impossible to recover from them. We might even be in a situation where we cannot recover from them and it is at the expense of the relationship. Kind words are always a way to keep things neutral in a relationship. It leaves us all in a safe and neutral place. We are not ignoring the negative we are just in a safe place to express those negative feelings. We create a culture where people can tolerate a discussion about negative dynamics for a much longer amount of time, so much more is accomplished and so much more understanding is achieved.

The fifth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

HARMONY SINGS….Harmony – “in agreement or concord” – what a beautiful gift. When we agree to let each other be and feel and experience life in the way they see it or experience it we are literally celebrating that person with an astounding amount of compassion and empathy. We know when we are in that place because we find our self curious and full of discovery. We eliminate assumptions and we ask questions. We have fewer urges to control, and more listening takes place. The best part of harmony is it feels good to all and every one leaves the interaction feeling validated and loved. When we both feel validated and we are in agreement (sometimes to disagree) we are now at a point where we can start the process of negotiating with each other.

The sixth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Gee wiz- just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

“Gee wiz-Just sayin’.” This one speaks to criticism (self and others) verses appreciation. In relationships the old saying “what you focus on will grow,” is so true. If we focus on what is unfair or unmet needs instead of what we are grateful for, it potentially can become a bigger problem in our relationships. I am not suggesting to ignore unhealthy dynamics, just the opposite, I am saying to resolve them in a healthy manner. Resolve them at the time. Use good communication and collaboration skills and develop the dynamics. Turn them from weaknesses in the relationships to strengths and healthy hallmarks of how you interact. If we resolve them in a reasonable manner and time, we free up more time and energy to focus on what we appreciate about each other.

The seventh way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No right fights, just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

No right fights-just winning… In destructive relationships or in digression when interacting with others, we often find we waste a lot of time “right fighting.” The need to be right starts to replace healthy validation and we lose our ability in the interaction to read social cues correctly. This is due to a survival system that kicks in during right fighting and is primitive in nature. We start malfunctioning. We find ourselves narrow in out pursuit to be right. If we can abort the mission of right fighting and engage in healthy self reflection (not easy I know) it will lead to solutions where we can all walk away validated and a winner, which then leads to a feeling of connection not isolation.

The eighth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Positive not sulking,
no right fights, just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’
HARMONY SINGS
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Positive not sulking. This way speaks to a victim stance or victim identity. Some people don’t believe they can get their own vulnerability. They don’t believe in needs meet through solutions. this is due to the fact they have not had good results with it. For that reason they find it difficult to stay solution focused, so instead of developing the ability to effect a situation for good they seem to find more success in identifying with their injury or victimhood (keep in mind they most likely have experienced a significant injury so don’t minimize that fact) and attempt to get needs met through being a victim. It works short term but in the long run wears relationships out and ends up alienating those who love them. They simply wear them out. We all have an injury of some sort. If we can identify with positive solutions and thriving after an injury, it puts us back on track to pulling people close to us again in a happy solutions focused way of interacting.

The ninth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Celebrate and dancing… in other words bring the romance of Christmas into the relationship.
In fact, do this one all year long. This means spending time together. Offering the appropriate amount of attention that is needed for the relationship or interaction. Negotiate how much attention is needed. That act in and of itself is one of the best ways to develop deep and meaningful connections. Sacrifice the time you use for other things and put that energy into the relationships that are important. It will only produce good things. Make sure to be in a place emotionally were you are committed to celebrating your partner in the relationship and take the time to focus on them. If they are healthy, they will in turn focus on you. If they don’t, that is just good information.

The tenth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Keeping promises,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Keeping promises is really speaking to the skills of commitment and your word. This is an important skill to have in any relationship. It is an identity characteristic and it is another requirement in healthy relationships. Not everyone in a relationship is strong in this area, and that is ok, not all is lost. We just have to get busy developing it. When we commit to something and we don’t have the skill to see it through we have 2 choices. We can get vulnerable and express this concern or barrier with those we love and ask for help to develop that character trait, or we can renegotiate with the other person or persons involved to better meet the needs of everyone involved and still allow for conditions to push past the barrier. The key is being open and honest. If we have made a commitment and we don’t renegotiate we can see the commitment through and then learn from it to better negotiate the next time. The key is to keep our word.

The eleventh way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No complaints and griping,
Promises keeping,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz -just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Griping and complaining is a form of passivity. It is a passive-aggressive way to communicate in a relationship when words cannot be used. When healthy communication and collaboration goes out of a relationship, it is quickly replaced with resentment and the new language of complaining and griping replaces it and it is now the dialog that is used. When this happens, find a way to put abruptly put everyone involved into a renegotiation to get back to using communication. Ask for help if needed.

The twelfth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No checking out and numbing,
No complaints and gripping,
Promise keeping,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

This last way, no checking out and numbing, is a skill that is an internal form of aggression. It is better known as avoidance. It is interesting to observe that in a relationship when we find avoidance, the person doing the avoiding has a survival way of thinking, “if I avoid this it will just freeze and wait for me to come back and deal with it when I want.” That is the bad joke it plays on everyone involved, the avoidant person and all the others experiencing the consequences of the avoidance. It does not freeze. The others in the relationship are forced to pick up and deal with the situation without the avoidant parties engagement or feedback so in turn they are left in a position to give no feedback or preferences. Life just moves on and dynamics change, people make choices, and eventually you see the avoidance did not freeze at all. It just left things to keep rolling UNATTENDED by the avoidant party and leads to destructive consequences that are worse later. Make sure there are healthy and safe communication skills for all parties to re-engage to negotiate barriers and affect relationships and dynamics for good.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The truth is, we interact with a lot of good humans at Human Art. Each year we see in some cases sadness. Sadness due to the fact that things in their relationship are not fulfilling and they are not finding the joy and attention that they want and crave. They all seem to love the person that they desire it from. That is the point. They love them.

Try giving these gifts. Try all of them. If you can’t do that, just try a few. Find someone that you are not getting along with and just implement one of these skills. Try giving one to yourself. It is also self-care. Give one to the person the closest to you, even if things are going well. It will continue to strengthen the relationship. Let your loved one know of your intention and see what you get in return.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Silent Night

Posted on December 4, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We have talked a lot the last couple of weeks about the holiday season. There has been so much good energy at Human Art around this holiday season and it has only just begun. We have talked about relationships and how this time of year is a perfect time to enhance those relationships with others by really understanding them. The celebrating of each other and honoring their design seems to be the focus of everything we discuss this year.

I want to take you back many years ago to a time that had that same feeling. It is also one of the reasons “Silent Night” is one of my favorite Christmas songs. It happened in my parent’s home on Christmas evening. First, let me give you a little background on what was happening leading up to this particular Christmas.

As you know, I come from an extremely artistic family. We grew up developing the Human Art program in our home. We are all artists of some sort. Our parents were artists by trade and we spent much time developing the program and understanding personalities and composing and creating things that each personality would love. It was no different when it came to creating something for someone within the family. It was always emphasized in our home with our siblings and parents that we were always to honor and celebrate each other’s designs or personalities. This particular year was no exception; the instructions for gift giving were the same—we drew a name and bought a gift for that family member and it was always in their design. The difference this year was that we had to do something special for the person that we drew out. There was a new rule put in place just for this one year. You had to use your creative abilities to do something really special for that person. It had to focus on what they loved and celebrated them. The main rule was we had to make it from scratch and we could only spend three dollars on supplies. It was declared a “homemade Christmas.”

We all spent the weeks before discussing how we were going to make this happen. “THREE DOLLARS, WE ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE SOMETHING WORK FOR THREE DOLLARS?!” was a common quote that rang through the family at that time.

Christmas afternoon came and it was time to gather at my parent’s home for the “Homemade Christmas.” We ate and then the gift exchange began. The first gift was my dad’s, he had one of my younger sisters names. He had taken five one dollar bills and made a contemporary statue of sorts of a sleek dinosaur. It was beautiful. Then one of my sister-in-laws had collected natural plants and dried them for another sister who love to arrange flowers. It went on and on and with 12 siblings and one adopted. It was an afternoon full of loud, happy laughter, and love.

The last present was from my brother Sean to my mother. He had sat so quietly watching all the others laugh and celebrate each other. He seemed to just be taking it all in. Then we announced it was his turn to give my mom her present. He left the room and returned a few minutes later with a wrapped package in his arms. He knelt next to my mom where she was sitting on the floor and handed her the package wrapped in brown grocery sack paper. She opened it and I will never forget this image. The room went quiet, and in seconds a spirit filled the room, the spirit of Christmas, yet not one word was uttered or no sound made. Just a feeling. She had put her forehead tenderly against the frame of what we could conclude was a picture but it was facing her so we could not see its subject. She sat there and cried for I don’t know how long. It didn’t matter how long. I was so caught up in the feeling. It was night by now, and all of us were there and it was completely silent. We all just sat there and experienced this exchange between my brother and my mom.

Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright

*The picture of Sommer done by Brook’s brother Sean*

That’s exactly how it felt. I wished I could just freeze that moment forever and enjoy it over and over again.

Finally, without saying a word, my mom caught her breath and turned the picture around to reveal a beautiful piece of art that Sean had composed for her of our beautiful Down’s Syndrome sister Sommer who was an angel in heaven looking down on my family at that very moment. She had passed a few years prior to that Christmas.

That is what I now refer to as a “Silent Night moment.” Just as we celebrate the gift of the baby Jesus, we can also celebrate and give service to each other. When we learn to love each human for who they are and what they love, we can listen to them and their story and understand where they are coming from. No agenda except to serve them, to understand them. That’s how we can truly serve one another.

Everyone once in while we get it right, and we know it because it just happens. That “Silent Night” moment where no words are spoken, it is just a feeling. An exchange of sorts from one human to another that seems to whisper, “yes I get you” and, “yes I do care.” There are no appropriate words, just the exchange of a feeling. We have chances every day to create this, we just have to pay attention and act on it. That’s when it comes; it comes in a feeling, the spirit of a Silent Night moment and it leaves behind a feeling of peace—

“Heavenly peace.”

That is my wish for you this year while entering this holiday season. Look for those Silent Night moments and take advantage of them. Celebrate someone, anyone. Your family, someone at work. a friend or even a stranger on the street. You know you have understood their authenticity when you have that quiet exchange that seems to say, “I understand.” There is no better gift at Christmas time.

It is so important to remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Gift Giving: Do you Deck the Halls or say Bah, Humbug?

Posted on November 27, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

The minute Thanksgiving is over, before you can pause to take a breath, it seems as if we turn our attention to gifts. We make our list, we shop black Friday, and our attention is on what we are going to get those important people in our life for Christmas.

When carefully creating a list or a least a plan for gift giving, are you a “Deck the Halls” kind of person, or do you find yourself in more of a “Bah, Humbug” kind of mood in that moment? I find that whichever attitude best fits you for gift giving can significantly determine your attitude over the entire Christmas holiday season.

Most of these attitudes have to do with how confident we are in the gifts or gestures we are planning for our loved ones. We want them to know how we feel, and our gift or expression of giving is a

direct correlation to how that might be perceived from our loved one’s point of view. Sometimes we give the gift a lot of thought but it doesn’t seem to translate in that spirit all of the time.

Let us help you out. First, knowing the person’s personality or design is important when it comes to expressing our love to our loved ones. What is important to them and how we give it shows that we really pay attention and know what they like. At Human Art we call this our “Love Designs.” Here are some tips for each personality or harmony to make things a little easier for you this Christmas.

♥ For your Saturated loved ones:
Their love design is Wine and Dine. They love and appreciate when you set time or resources aside to really do something special. Listen to what that one most important thing for the season is. They will usually state in declarations, such as:
“If I could have one thing this year…”
“All I want for Christmas is…”
“I really don’t want anything except…”
When they say this, they mean it. They really don’t want a lot of little gestures.They would rather you save your resources to get what they deem important. It’s not the quantity, it’s the quality for them. And make it special. Punctuate the importance of whatever you are giving.

♥ For your Whitened loved ones:
Their love design is surprise, and social. Anticipate their needs. They love a lot of fun things and activities but it increases the magic when they can share it with those they love. The more the merrier. Listen and see what they do for others and turn it around and do it back for them. They love surprises with others there to experience it with them. If you could turn Christmas into a surprise party they would love it.

♥ For your Grayed loved ones:
their love design is romance through the details. They love the tradition of things. Connecting with others during the holidays is so important to them. Honor their traditions and romance all of the experiences through the details. Talk about it before hand, involve them in the details as you go, then connect with them after to see how they felt about it. It will go a long way and will create a Christmas to remember.

♥ For your Blackened loved ones:
Their love design is “get ‘er done.” They would love for you to get them something that can lighten their load. It is all about the tasks. Think of what has been on their list of things to fix for a while and then get them something to make that happen; make it easier with a tool, spend some time helping them do it, or give them the resources they need to do it. It will make for a merry one for all involved.

So as you are going down your list, also write a note to the side of each name that reminds you of their design and think more of their love design rather than just buying them something just to have gotten them something. It will lead to a “Deck the Halls” kind of Christmas and you will experience more excitement than they do as you really communicate with their design.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

For a downloadable love designs reference guide, become a member of the Human Art Classroom

→ Related Post: Valentine Validation: The Love Designs

Navigating the Holidays: What we can Learn from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas

Posted on November 24, 2015May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

One year around Christmas when I was pretty little a teacher read the story, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” I remember because it was right around this time of year; just before Thanksgiving and then Christmas was the next holiday. I fell in love with all of the characters but it was when I got to experience the show on TV that, for some reason, I really fell in love with the Grinch. He just warmed my heart from the beginning.

In order to understand why I fell in love with him you have to freeze the beginning of the story and look at it and name what was real or what it looked like. For me, even as a little girl, I remember watching the very beginning of the show and thinking, as they scanned his life and his circumstances, there was a feeling of desperation. Although I couldn’t define it as a young girl I certainly felt what, as an adult, I have learned to be a feeling that he was totally overwhelmed. I remember vividly when they introduced his living conditions—how he was a bit isolated, how limited his resources were and how he put antlers on his dog to make a reindeer—feeling overwhelmed for him. That is the exact reason that I loved this story and the exact reason I fell in love with the Grinch. He was just moving forward the best way he could.

The challenge the Grinch faced is that he was in what is called his emotional personality in a big way. Our emotional personality is the part of us that splits off when we get overwhelmed. It is designed to help us survive tough things and it has its own skills and even its own set of likes and dislikes that are completely opposite from our authentic self.

I remember being so happy at the end of the show when he returns to his authentic self and is seen for who he really was all because compassion and kindness were present.The key word or feeling in this example of the Grinch who stole Christmas was OVERWHELMED. When we hit overwhelmed it puts us immediately into our emotional personality. If we don’t learn how to navigate that part of ourselves well, it has potential to go destructive quickly.

I think around the holidays we have high potential to become overwhelmed. My fear for myself and others is that we have potential to be drawn to things that could overwhelm us. Like how things look or projections. Fear of feeling isolated or not having enough. Feelings of inadequacy of any kind. These feelings or circumstances can lead to feeling overwhelmed when we focus on them.

In the story of the Grinch, if only he could have marched down to Whoville and shown his authentic self from the very beginning and just defined what was real (all of his flaws but also that great big heart when it grew two sizes) I have no doubt they would have loved him from the beginning and not had to navigate the emotional self and all the destruction it brought with it. In the end they finally did get to enjoy the real Grinch and, here is the best part, so did he. He got to enjoy himself and interact and form relationships with those around him by simply being who he really was. He was able to integrate the challenges with all that good to tell a complete story. The real one that tells who he really is and celebrates all aspects of his life: the wins, the losses, the pain and the triumphs. And he can be grateful for all of it because it defines him and at the same time others can have compassion for how hard his challenges were to navigate.

Come Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and even New Years, just get out there and be who you are, in whatever shape and form it is right now: a work in progress, but an amazing work at that. Be more authentic, work harder to understand yourself. Don’t become a Grinch and hide it, twist it, or project something that it is not. When you begin to feel overwhelmed, recognize it and don’t let your emotional personality take over. Understand yourself, celebrate your authentic design, and then celebrate others. Work hard to understand them and their journey as well. This will most certainly lead to more happiness, more peace, better interactions, and a true sense of what really leads to a happy holiday season. And keep in mind as you navigate the events of the season….Everyone is a masterpiece!