Performing to Belong – The Original Personality Test Blog

As human beings it is important for us to find relief if we are feeling unsafe. I feel like we are instinctively driven to run to the safest place when we are overwhelmed or need any kind of reassurance or calm. If we find ourselves in a situation where we have no safe place or no person that is safe, we are in danger of then manufacturing or projecting that we are an “OK” human, or that nothing is wrong. That causes us to just step right over those vulnerable feelings; and while we are stepping we are stuffing them down at the same time.

In other words, without a place or person of safety, the only other option is to avoid the vulnerable feelings all together. If you are high in the Grayed design, you might find yourself in that situation if you cannot find safety in working out the details of your feelings or a task.

One of the major dynamics that sets up “performing to belong” in relationships or interactions between a Grayed person and someone with any of the other designs is the dynamic that a Grayed person romances life through the details. It is the details of the process that are so important to them. So, if someone challenges that or, even worse, criticizes them for taking the time on the details, it has the potential to shut them down. It is so hard for them to move through a task in a hurry and not consider each contingency. That very consideration is how they ensure that things will be done correctly and with the most efficiency to produce optimum results. If someone rushes past all that careful consideration, it tends to freeze or shut down the Grayed way of doing things. The Grayed person is left with no alternate plan because they cannot function if things are not thought through and it creates frustration. On top of all of this, a Grayed person does not like confrontation so they are left to just watch as the project, task, or conversations gets hijacked or, from their perspective, tanked. All this leaves them feeling hopeless.

This is where the Grayed design checks out and avoids all together. They are left with nothing else but to project. Project that they don’t care. Project that they are not available. Project that they can’t engage for whatever reason. So here we are, overwhelmed and wanting to run to the safest place—avoidance. That is the Grayed person’s only option in the perfection way of doing things.

If you are high in the Grayed design and you are in the “being human” way of traveling through life, then the place we will find you at any given time is engaging in the details of that journey. The Grayed person is brilliant at sitting back with a calm about them and taking in all of the contingencies of any given situation. In the healthy way of experiencing life through “being human”, the Grayed person is not as concerned with others’ judgement of whether something is good or bad, but are just content with taking in all that is going on around them and finding the richness in each experience or interaction. They are content to support their position of taking the time to understand all sides and, more importantly, where that might lead everyone, not just them. If we would all step back and listen to a healthy Grayed person evaluate a dynamic we’d discover that it is seldom done from a selfish position, it is often evaluated so that everyone benefits.

The hallmark of the Grayed person is taking the time to see the “what could be” or the “what might be” of each situation. They think each fact through to see where it will end up or where it will put us if we make that decision, so they save us a lot of problems or grief from making the wrong choice or getting a bad outcome. If we would allow them a minute or two (or three or more) they will process through any dynamic and they can evaluate the good and the bad. They can see the romance of each choice. If we can resist dismissing them because they take extra time to think things through, then we get to witness the beautiful acceptance and tolerance that they have for life. If you are Grayed and you want to stay in the “being human” lane of life, then you have to do that for yourself. Support yourself while negotiating, and at all costs stay engaged no matter what is happening because you will help us see all of life, not just limited parts of it.

If you find that you have some Grayed in your personality, go ahead and THINK, PROCESS, TAKE TIME, NEGOTIATE, BE THOROUGH, SEE THE CONTINGENCIES, PLAN, AND ALWAYS DREAM!!! Dream in a way that only the Grayed mind can. You will see the beauty and romance in life. You deserve that and you will help the rest of us see that beauty as well. We deserve that too. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

As human beings, if we were to sit back and evaluate what it means to either strive for perfection or to strive to be human, the answers might best be extracted by asking some questions.

1. How high is my anxiety or worry when navigating a process that has any threat of being judged by someone else?
2. Whose opinion is the most important to me?
3. Do I spend time scanning for harshness, separation, or distress in relationships or with friends?
4. Can I tell immediately what the status of a relationship is?

If you find yourself with anxiety or worry in processes, being pulled by others opinions of you, avoiding or procrastinating, all while checking the status of relationships, you might be “performing to belong” instead navigating life with a healthy attitude and acceptance that we are all human and cannot completely obtain perfection.

If you find yourself living in each moment awake and aware and experiencing each new process in life, and can support yourself and let relationships flow and grow, then you are most likely planted in the “being human” way of breezing through life. You have a good and realistic expectation of yourself and more of your time and energy is spent in evaluating and growing your authenticity, your skills, and your character.

When we spend too much time “performing to belong,” the potential for the consequences to hit in relationships is high. To a Whitened person, or someone who has a high amount of Whitened in their design, how the interaction with a person in a relationship is going is the very way they measure whether they are successful or not as a human. How their own social circles are thriving are the very needle that they use to measure their barometer of life. They are not as concerned with the outcome or quality of the task as they are invested in everyone being “OK” (whatever they deem OK to be) and enjoying the activities that are required in a task or dynamic. The healthy energy in relationships is like their life source. If a social circle or a single relationship in a Whitened person’s life has tension or is not in a good place, they can feel like a failure all the way around. They tend to think in bubbles, or circles of groups, and they can balance a rather large amount of these groups. Some of us think they add new relationships to one big group of people they know but that is not the case; they carefully keep track of each separate bubble (group) no matter how big or small. They are all separate, with all their working parts, and the Whitened has the social intelligence to manage all of them. At the same time, they are always open to adding more to their life.

Here is the problem when a Whitened person finds them self “performing to belong.” They are riddled with stress about pleasing and tend to over please or be overly compliant. The Whitened person thinks that will fix everything because the person is pleased and happy with them. But without boundaries the relationship loses respect, and then they find themselves in a relationship of always giving and never receiving. Their only option in these relationships is to keep raising the “pleaser bar” higher and higher, to the detriment of the relationship and their own self-respect.

On the other hand, if a Whitened person is living life “being human” they have that “no guile” version of humility and they love walking through life with all of their relationships, open and curious to what is happening, and how all are experiencing the moment. Good or bad, they love being there. This version is the opposite of co-dependence because it moves in front of the group—navigating, leading, and experiencing things. This Whitened leader is able to be full of life and bring that brightness out of each moment. They know how to set up healthy bonding in a true and legitimate way and their boundary is flexibility over control. This comes from an absolute refusal to let unhealthy people dominate them, while at the same time keeping a complete commitment to the emotional integrity of the relationship. They teach the importance of compliance under any correct principle of “healthy interacting” and how non-conformity to correct principles can be destructive to relationships. Lastly, they have a humility that is pure and dedicated to “being human,” and having the advanced insight to love the imperfections in life and find joy in being unconditional.

So, to whatever degree you find you have Whitened in your personality or design (we all have some), pick the “Being Human” version of it and glide through life with a commitment to strengthen the emotional integrity of each one of your important relationships. Do it with flexibility and commitment to growth and learning. Be present and observant of what those that are important to you are experiencing and be curious and supportive of them. You will strengthen your bonds with those you love. I believe humans are good, and I believe all humans want to be loved. And I know for a surety that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Tag: Performing to Belong

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, Part 3