“Can’t you see they are not telling the truth!”
“How can you stand there and say that with a straight face?”
“Our group is strongly opposed to your group’s view.”
It doesn’t matter if it is an individual talking to another group of people, a family, a gathering of people who love each other, or in the work place trying to agree on a project or a strategy; when groups of people are polarized it creates a great deal of chaos and stress. It is equally as difficult when the distance between the disagreeing parties has gotten to the point that contention is so strong it feels as if it would be impossible to walk it back to a neutral place again. This is a very dangerous place to be because the next thing to happen in these types of group interactions is the group starts to destroy the order and integrity of the group and it starts to disintegrate. What can a group do when it finds itself in this very dynamic?
First, I assure you it is possible to get back to a healthy place of interacting with each other in a neutral way and still keep our opinion and preferences intact.
Second, its actually something that happens rather quickly.
We must stop and ask, “WHATS THE PROBLEM?” And the answer always has something to do with autonomy!!!
Autonomy is basically our independence or ability to have self-freedom.
Quietly in your head, stop and describe everyone’s autonomy that is in the large group, including your own. This will allow you to respect your own views and come from a place of security and personal power; from that point you are in a position to celebrate and appreciate others’ point of view. State your needs, speak of your preferences, describe what you are focused on according to your design (we call that a central focus), and have the courage to be a little vulnerable, no matter how others react to it. Share your challenges in a real and genuine way. Try hard to be authentic and not manufacture a egoic version of strength. Use the power you already have, your personal power. No one can truly criticize it because you know it better than anyone else, you are the only on with it.
Here is an example:
A very Saturated man and a Saturated teen were working together on a project. They were assigned to work on the project with a very Grayed woman and a really Whitened young adult.
the two Saturated people were in agreement that the project needed to come across professionally and that the objective needed to be clear (they share that central focus). Things were going great until the Grayed women came into the planning meeting and introduced a very thorough list of questions that needed to be asked about the project before any decisions were to be made. The group spent a few minutes debating what the main the focus should be until tension was mounting in the small planning room. The Saturated man and the Saturated teen were starting to strategize how they could side step the Grayed woman’s list while the Grayed woman was feeling frustrated and found herself asking more and more questions until she went to her next strategy of shutting down and beginning to resent. The two groups were quickly losing credibility with each other. it was then that the Whitened adult came in and stated the Whitened central focus that always includes socializing and declared, “are we having fun yet?!”
Stop right here!!!!!
This is the very moment when it is time to quietly say, “Whats the problem?…Autonomy!” In this moment, the group should start to review everyone’s autonomy, starting with the central focus of each person’s design.
The Saturated man and teen want quality and that comes from clear objectives and professionalism.
The Grayed woman is thorough and usually prevents problems before they even arise.
The Whitened man makes sure everyone stays engaged and can tell before others even start to notice anything is wrong that someone is about to withdraw or shut down and re-engages them in a safe way.
When these central focuses are looked at in this light that is when we can quickly step back into healthy and neutral interactions. It is at this point we can listen. Our curiosity goes up and self-doubt goes down. It is also at this point we start to celebrate each other, are in a great system of synergy, and notice how we are stronger as a group. The sum of these parts of the group are greater than the individual parts. A line from one of my favorite songs says,”I like me better when I’m with you.”
So when you find yourself in a group where you are asking yourself, “what’s the problem?” Think “autonomy,” and move into action.
Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.
Brook