As human beings, if we were to sit back and evaluate what it means to either strive for perfection or to strive to be human, the answers might best be extracted by asking some questions.
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- How high is my anxiety or worry when navigating a process that has any threat of being judged by someone else?
- Whose opinion is the most important to me?
- Do I spend time scanning for harshness, separation, or distress in relationships or with friends?
- Can I tell immediately what the status of a relationship is?
If you find yourself with anxiety or worry in processes, being pulled by others opinions of you, avoiding or procrastinating, all while checking the status of relationships, you might be “performing to belong” instead navigating life with a healthy attitude and acceptance that we are all human and cannot completely obtain perfection.
If you find yourself living in each moment awake and aware and experiencing each new process in life, and can support yourself and let relationships flow and grow, then you are most likely planted in the “being human” way of breezing through life. You have a good and realistic expectation of yourself and more of your time and energy is spent in evaluating and growing your authenticity, your skills, and your character.
When we spend too much time “performing to belong,” the potential for the consequences to hit in relationships is high. To a Whitened person, or someone who has a high amount of Whitened in their design, how the interaction with a person in a relationship is going is the very way they measure whether they are successful or not as a human. How their own social circles are thriving are the very needle that they use to measure their barometer of life. They are not as concerned with the outcome or quality of the task as they are invested in everyone being “OK” (whatever they deem OK to be) and enjoying the activities that are required in a task or dynamic. The healthy energy in relationships is like their life source. If a social circle or a single relationship in a Whitened person’s life has tension or is not in a good place, they can feel like a failure all the way around. They tend to think in bubbles, or circles of groups, and they can balance a rather large amount of these groups. Some of us think they add new relationships to one big group of people they know but that is not the case; they carefully keep track of each separate bubble (group) no matter how big or small. They are all separate, with all their working parts, and the Whitened has the social intelligence to manage all of them. At the same time, they are always open to adding more to their life.
Here is the problem when a Whitened person finds them self “performing to belong.” They are riddled with stress about pleasing and tend to over please or be overly compliant. The Whitened person thinks that will fix everything because the person is pleased and happy with them. But without boundaries the relationship loses respect, and then they find themselves in a relationship of always giving and never receiving. Their only option in these relationships is to keep raising the “pleaser bar” higher and higher, to the detriment of the relationship and their own self-respect.
On the other hand, if a Whitened person is living life “being human” they have that “no guile” version of humility and they love walking through life with all of their relationships, open and curious to what is happening, and how all are experiencing the moment. Good or bad, they love being there. This version is the opposite of co-dependence because it moves in front of the group—navigating, leading, and experiencing things. This Whitened leader is able to be full of life and bring that brightness out of each moment. They know how to set up healthy bonding in a true and legitimate way and their boundary is flexibility over control. This comes from an absolute refusal to let unhealthy people dominate them, while at the same time keeping a complete commitment to the emotional integrity of the relationship. They teach the importance of compliance under any correct principle of “healthy interacting” and how non-conformity to correct principles can be destructive to relationships. Lastly, they have a humility that is pure and dedicated to “being human,” and having the advanced insight to love the imperfections in life and find joy in being unconditional.
So, to whatever degree you find you have Whitened in your personality or design (we all have some), pick the “Being Human” version of it and glide through life with a commitment to strengthen the emotional integrity of each one of your important relationships. Do it with flexibility and commitment to growth and learning. Be present and observant of what those that are important to you are experiencing and be curious and supportive of them. You will strengthen your bonds with those you love. I believe humans are good, and I believe all humans want to be loved. And I know for a surety that everyone is a masterpiece.
Brook
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