We all have to be creative when we give those we love a different gift each year. Trying to come up with something they will enjoy and that will give that feeling of excitement and joy can be a challenge after a few years of giving to the same person. One gift that has the potential to bring deep joy and connection, and is also the same each time (in fact consistency just enhances the power of it), is the gift of a healthy relationship. It is also a gift that is not just gifted on Christmas but every day of the year. That is the gift of a good healthy relationship. So my song choice this week is the “Twelve Days of Christmas” but I offer you a different version: The Twelve Ways of Christmas for a healthy relationship.
Human Art presents:The 12 Ways of Christmas…
that your true love can give you
which lead to healthy relationships!!!
The first way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Real emotions to share with me.
Real emotions are true vulnerability. True vulnerability is being honest about how you feel. True vulnerability is having the courage to be honest with yourself about how you feel and being honest when you express your emotions with others. It takes integrity to be vulnerable. It also requires character to be strong enough to be honest even when it is difficult. It is also important to have safe conditions when we are honest. Creating that in relationships can be a lot of work but is worth the effort when it leads to the gift of a healthy relationship.
The second way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.
Attention and loves. That is a skill that always helps when it comes to overlapping or co-regulating a conversation or a relationship. We know we are co-regulating when both people in a conversation or interaction are holding each other’s emotions and feelings safe. They are giving those emotions the required amount of attention and love. They are not preoccupied with their own feelings and emotions because the other person is holding them safe for them which leaves them free to focus on other’s needs. If both participants in the interaction are doing their part, no one’s emotions are left unattended. In this dynamic it becomes almost instinctive to reach out to the other person and offer some level of love for them.
The third way of Christmas my true love gave to me
See through my lens,
Attention and loves
And real emotions to share.
See through my lens. That means exactly what it says. The gift or the skill to put your emotions aside and see things through your partner’s lens. To be fully present and trying in some way to walk through an experience just the way they did. Curious about emotions that other person might have experienced and why they experienced them that way. It is one of the truest forms of kindness, it is true compassion and it is a beautiful gift to give.
The fourth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.
More kind words and less labels. Labels are those peppered words that we shout out when we are mad or frustrated. They are an attempt to gain control in any power struggle. Yes, they are effective at first because they startle others, but that power or control only lasts about 4 seconds and, because of the harshness that accompanies them, you quickly move out of a place of control and into a rapid decline in respect and credibility. Some labels can be so destructive that it might feel impossible to recover from them. We might even be in a situation where we cannot recover from them and it is at the expense of the relationship. Kind words are always a way to keep things neutral in a relationship. It leaves us all in a safe and neutral place. We are not ignoring the negative we are just in a safe place to express those negative feelings. We create a culture where people can tolerate a discussion about negative dynamics for a much longer amount of time, so much more is accomplished and so much more understanding is achieved.
The fifth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.
HARMONY SINGS….Harmony – “in agreement or concord” – what a beautiful gift. When we agree to let each other be and feel and experience life in the way they see it or experience it we are literally celebrating that person with an astounding amount of compassion and empathy. We know when we are in that place because we find our self curious and full of discovery. We eliminate assumptions and we ask questions. We have fewer urges to control, and more listening takes place. The best part of harmony is it feels good to all and every one leaves the interaction feeling validated and loved. When we both feel validated and we are in agreement (sometimes to disagree) we are now at a point where we can start the process of negotiating with each other.
The sixth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Gee wiz- just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.
“Gee wiz-Just sayin’.” This one speaks to criticism (self and others) verses appreciation. In relationships the old saying “what you focus on will grow,” is so true. If we focus on what is unfair or unmet needs instead of what we are grateful for, it potentially can become a bigger problem in our relationships. I am not suggesting to ignore unhealthy dynamics, just the opposite, I am saying to resolve them in a healthy manner. Resolve them at the time. Use good communication and collaboration skills and develop the dynamics. Turn them from weaknesses in the relationships to strengths and healthy hallmarks of how you interact. If we resolve them in a reasonable manner and time, we free up more time and energy to focus on what we appreciate about each other.
The seventh way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No right fights, just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.
No right fights-just winning… In destructive relationships or in digression when interacting with others, we often find we waste a lot of time “right fighting.” The need to be right starts to replace healthy validation and we lose our ability in the interaction to read social cues correctly. This is due to a survival system that kicks in during right fighting and is primitive in nature. We start malfunctioning. We find ourselves narrow in out pursuit to be right. If we can abort the mission of right fighting and engage in healthy self reflection (not easy I know) it will lead to solutions where we can all walk away validated and a winner, which then leads to a feeling of connection not isolation.
The eighth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Positive not sulking,
no right fights, just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’
HARMONY SINGS
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.
Positive not sulking. This way speaks to a victim stance or victim identity. Some people don’t believe they can get their own vulnerability. They don’t believe in needs meet through solutions. this is due to the fact they have not had good results with it. For that reason they find it difficult to stay solution focused, so instead of developing the ability to effect a situation for good they seem to find more success in identifying with their injury or victimhood (keep in mind they most likely have experienced a significant injury so don’t minimize that fact) and attempt to get needs met through being a victim. It works short term but in the long run wears relationships out and ends up alienating those who love them. They simply wear them out. We all have an injury of some sort. If we can identify with positive solutions and thriving after an injury, it puts us back on track to pulling people close to us again in a happy solutions focused way of interacting.
The ninth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.
Celebrate and dancing… in other words bring the romance of Christmas into the relationship.
In fact, do this one all year long. This means spending time together. Offering the appropriate amount of attention that is needed for the relationship or interaction. Negotiate how much attention is needed. That act in and of itself is one of the best ways to develop deep and meaningful connections. Sacrifice the time you use for other things and put that energy into the relationships that are important. It will only produce good things. Make sure to be in a place emotionally were you are committed to celebrating your partner in the relationship and take the time to focus on them. If they are healthy, they will in turn focus on you. If they don’t, that is just good information.
The tenth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Keeping promises,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.
Keeping promises is really speaking to the skills of commitment and your word. This is an important skill to have in any relationship. It is an identity characteristic and it is another requirement in healthy relationships. Not everyone in a relationship is strong in this area, and that is ok, not all is lost. We just have to get busy developing it. When we commit to something and we don’t have the skill to see it through we have 2 choices. We can get vulnerable and express this concern or barrier with those we love and ask for help to develop that character trait, or we can renegotiate with the other person or persons involved to better meet the needs of everyone involved and still allow for conditions to push past the barrier. The key is being open and honest. If we have made a commitment and we don’t renegotiate we can see the commitment through and then learn from it to better negotiate the next time. The key is to keep our word.
The eleventh way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No complaints and griping,
Promises keeping,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz -just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.
Griping and complaining is a form of passivity. It is a passive-aggressive way to communicate in a relationship when words cannot be used. When healthy communication and collaboration goes out of a relationship, it is quickly replaced with resentment and the new language of complaining and griping replaces it and it is now the dialog that is used. When this happens, find a way to put abruptly put everyone involved into a renegotiation to get back to using communication. Ask for help if needed.
The twelfth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No checking out and numbing,
No complaints and gripping,
Promise keeping,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.
This last way, no checking out and numbing, is a skill that is an internal form of aggression. It is better known as avoidance. It is interesting to observe that in a relationship when we find avoidance, the person doing the avoiding has a survival way of thinking, “if I avoid this it will just freeze and wait for me to come back and deal with it when I want.” That is the bad joke it plays on everyone involved, the avoidant person and all the others experiencing the consequences of the avoidance. It does not freeze. The others in the relationship are forced to pick up and deal with the situation without the avoidant parties engagement or feedback so in turn they are left in a position to give no feedback or preferences. Life just moves on and dynamics change, people make choices, and eventually you see the avoidance did not freeze at all. It just left things to keep rolling UNATTENDED by the avoidant party and leads to destructive consequences that are worse later. Make sure there are healthy and safe communication skills for all parties to re-engage to negotiate barriers and affect relationships and dynamics for good.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
The truth is, we interact with a lot of good humans at Human Art. Each year we see in some cases sadness. Sadness due to the fact that things in their relationship are not fulfilling and they are not finding the joy and attention that they want and crave. They all seem to love the person that they desire it from. That is the point. They love them.
Try giving these gifts. Try all of them. If you can’t do that, just try a few. Find someone that you are not getting along with and just implement one of these skills. Try giving one to yourself. It is also self-care. Give one to the person the closest to you, even if things are going well. It will continue to strengthen the relationship. Let your loved one know of your intention and see what you get in return.
Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.
Brook
