Month: August 2019

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, Part 3

Posted on August 26, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings it is important for us to find relief if we are feeling unsafe. I feel like we are instinctively driven to run to the safest place when we are overwhelmed or need any kind of reassurance or calm. If we find ourselves in a situation where we have no safe place or no person that is safe, we are in danger of then manufacturing or projecting that we are an “OK” human, or that nothing is wrong. That causes us to just step right over those vulnerable feelings; and while we are stepping we are stuffing them down at the same time.

In other words, without a place or person of safety, the only other option is to avoid the vulnerable feelings all together. If you are high in the Grayed design, you might find yourself in that situation if you cannot find safety in working out the details of your feelings or a task.

One of the major dynamics that sets up “performing to belong” in relationships or interactions between a Grayed person and someone with any of the other designs is the dynamic that a Grayed person romances life through the details. It is the details of the process that are so important to them. So, if someone challenges that or, even worse, criticizes them for taking the time on the details, it has the potential to shut them down. It is so hard for them to move through a task in a hurry and not consider each contingency. That very consideration is how they ensure that things will be done correctly and with the most efficiency to produce optimum results. If someone rushes past all that careful consideration, it tends to freeze or shut down the Grayed way of doing things. The Grayed person is left with no alternate plan because they cannot function if things are not thought through and it creates frustration. On top of all of this, a Grayed person does not like confrontation so they are left to just watch as the project, task, or conversations gets hijacked or, from their perspective, tanked. All this leaves them feeling hopeless.

This is where the Grayed design checks out and avoids all together. They are left with nothing else but to project. Project that they don’t care. Project that they are not available. Project that they can’t engage for whatever reason. So here we are, overwhelmed and wanting to run to the safest place—avoidance. That is the Grayed person’s only option in the perfection way of doing things.

If you are high in the Grayed design and you are in the “being human” way of traveling through life, then the place we will find you at any given time is engaging in the details of that journey. The Grayed person is brilliant at sitting back with a calm about them and taking in all of the contingencies of any given situation. In the healthy way of experiencing life through “being human”, the Grayed person is not as concerned with others’ judgement of whether something is good or bad, but are just content with taking in all that is going on around them and finding the richness in each experience or interaction. They are content to support their position of taking the time to understand all sides and, more importantly, where that might lead everyone, not just them. If we would all step back and listen to a healthy Grayed person evaluate a dynamic we’d discover that it is seldom done from a selfish position, it is often evaluated so that everyone benefits.

The hallmark of the Grayed person is taking the time to see the “what could be” or the “what might be” of each situation. They think each fact through to see where it will end up or where it will put us if we make that decision, so they save us a lot of problems or grief from making the wrong choice or getting a bad outcome. If we would allow them a minute or two (or three or more) they will process through any dynamic and they can evaluate the good and the bad. They can see the romance of each choice. If we can resist dismissing them because they take extra time to think things through, then we get to witness the beautiful acceptance and tolerance that they have for life. If you are Grayed and you want to stay in the “being human” lane of life, then you have to do that for yourself. Support yourself while negotiating, and at all costs stay engaged no matter what is happening because you will help us see all of life, not just limited parts of it.

If you find that you have some Grayed in your personality, go ahead and THINK, PROCESS, TAKE TIME, NEGOTIATE, BE THOROUGH, SEE THE CONTINGENCIES, PLAN, AND ALWAYS DREAM!!! Dream in a way that only the Grayed mind can. You will see the beauty and romance in life. You deserve that and you will help the rest of us see that beauty as well. We deserve that too. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, part 2

Posted on August 20, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings, if we were to sit back and evaluate what it means to either strive for perfection or to strive to be human, the answers might best be extracted by asking some questions.

1. How high is my anxiety or worry when navigating a process that has any threat of being judged by someone else?
2. Whose opinion is the most important to me?
3. Do I spend time scanning for harshness, separation, or distress in relationships or with friends?
4. Can I tell immediately what the status of a relationship is?

If you find yourself with anxiety or worry in processes, being pulled by others opinions of you, avoiding or procrastinating, all while checking the status of relationships, you might be “performing to belong” instead navigating life with a healthy attitude and acceptance that we are all human and cannot completely obtain perfection.

If you find yourself living in each moment awake and aware and experiencing each new process in life, and can support yourself and let relationships flow and grow, then you are most likely planted in the “being human” way of breezing through life. You have a good and realistic expectation of yourself and more of your time and energy is spent in evaluating and growing your authenticity, your skills, and your character.

When we spend too much time “performing to belong,” the potential for the consequences to hit in relationships is high. To a Whitened person, or someone who has a high amount of Whitened in their design, how the interaction with a person in a relationship is going is the very way they measure whether they are successful or not as a human. How their own social circles are thriving are the very needle that they use to measure their barometer of life. They are not as concerned with the outcome or quality of the task as they are invested in everyone being “OK” (whatever they deem OK to be) and enjoying the activities that are required in a task or dynamic. The healthy energy in relationships is like their life source. If a social circle or a single relationship in a Whitened person’s life has tension or is not in a good place, they can feel like a failure all the way around. They tend to think in bubbles, or circles of groups, and they can balance a rather large amount of these groups. Some of us think they add new relationships to one big group of people they know but that is not the case; they carefully keep track of each separate bubble (group) no matter how big or small. They are all separate, with all their working parts, and the Whitened has the social intelligence to manage all of them. At the same time, they are always open to adding more to their life.

Here is the problem when a Whitened person finds them self “performing to belong.” They are riddled with stress about pleasing and tend to over please or be overly compliant. The Whitened person thinks that will fix everything because the person is pleased and happy with them. But without boundaries the relationship loses respect, and then they find themselves in a relationship of always giving and never receiving. Their only option in these relationships is to keep raising the “pleaser bar” higher and higher, to the detriment of the relationship and their own self-respect.

On the other hand, if a Whitened person is living life “being human” they have that “no guile” version of humility and they love walking through life with all of their relationships, open and curious to what is happening, and how all are experiencing the moment. Good or bad, they love being there. This version is the opposite of co-dependence because it moves in front of the group—navigating, leading, and experiencing things. This Whitened leader is able to be full of life and bring that brightness out of each moment. They know how to set up healthy bonding in a true and legitimate way and their boundary is flexibility over control. This comes from an absolute refusal to let unhealthy people dominate them, while at the same time keeping a complete commitment to the emotional integrity of the relationship. They teach the importance of compliance under any correct principle of “healthy interacting” and how non-conformity to correct principles can be destructive to relationships. Lastly, they have a humility that is pure and dedicated to “being human,” and having the advanced insight to love the imperfections in life and find joy in being unconditional.

So, to whatever degree you find you have Whitened in your personality or design (we all have some), pick the “Being Human” version of it and glide through life with a commitment to strengthen the emotional integrity of each one of your important relationships. Do it with flexibility and commitment to growth and learning. Be present and observant of what those that are important to you are experiencing and be curious and supportive of them. You will strengthen your bonds with those you love. I believe humans are good, and I believe all humans want to be loved. And I know for a surety that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human

Posted on August 13, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Perfection as a human being is impossible to obtain but striving for it is a worthy goal. If we are striving for any type of perfection, the process responsibly has to be navigated with an absolute commitment to humility and knowing that it cannot be obtained, but it can be looked at for a direction or a focus.

I propose a superior and more realistic version of this journey. To simply be human. A work in progress as a human, like a piece of art being created—“Human Art.”

There are only two paths in this scenario: one is perfection and one is being human. If we pick the first, then we are picking “performing to belong.” Our focus is on perfection and our worth is determined by how well we perform. We usually pick this one because we feel the need for more control over our lives, especially if a dynamic in our life feels out of control. It’s the way we are made. If something significant feels out of control, then we feel the need to control the little things. We can get preoccupied or even obsess about them. It makes us feel like we have more power or more say in how our life is going. The problem in this choice or this path is that if we make one little mistake, no matter how tiny it is, then all is lost or at least all feels lost. To me, that is just too much pressure and adds unnecessary stress.

On the second path, the one that I recommend, being human, you just wake up each day and try your very best at being human. You can still keep your eye on that unobtainable goal of perfection, but you have that humility and expectation that you will make a few mistakes eventually, and that you can rectify them and keep moving forward. Then you retire for the night and wake up the next day, again trying your very best to be human—the human you were meant to be.

Part of the challenge with performing to belong is that the goal post can be moved based on who is defining success. Depending on your family, friends, or associates, your “script” for success can vary. Sometimes in subtle ways. For example, a Saturated person’s perfection is like a snapshot in their mind or a picture of all the components which correlate with success. This snapshot spurs their misguided motivation and guides them to achieve that image of perfection. One of our Saturated clients had an unhealthy snapshot in his mind about what his version of perfection would look like, and he was determined to achieve it. In the snapshot, he had an advanced degree, he was driving home from work in his top of the line sports car, and he had his friends waiting to adore him at his large estate. This snapshot became a map that he keeps returning to in order to drive his ambitions.

Here is the problem. In order for this person to be successful, each element or condition must be met. So in real life, what would happen if he had an advanced degree, he was driving home, and his friends are waiting with adoration, but he is driving an old broken down truck? According to the snapshot, all is lost and we cannot connect until everything is perfectly positioned. Most likely, the Saturated perfection would not tolerate having the “party” until each element was met, losing opportunities to co-generate with others organically.

On the other hand, when you are being human, you can accept and recognize all the different types of success. The snapshot has a more mindful feel to it. You love your advanced degree and the fact that you own the title to the truck, and you can’t wait to see what is new with your friends, as opposed to impressing them. Being human allows the snapshot to change and evolve as new demands and challenges arise, without feeling less than.

To the degree that you have Saturated in your design or personality is the degree that a snapshot will drive your ambition. Make sure that the quality of the snapshot is set up in your mind with the healthy “being human” path and the expectations that come with it. Quality drives a Saturated person, so in the “being human” path you can still have your snapshot to motivate you, but you will find the quality in each element of that snapshot and you learn to tolerate change and the things that life throws in your snapshot. You are brilliant at finding the quality in even the bleakest of conditions. It is just how that design works. They are the original “diamond in the rough” seekers.

So go and be human—a beautiful human, a quality human—and shine like only you can shine. Encourage others to shine and support their human version of a snapshot. People are good so celebrate them and celebrate yourself. Celebrate your life, and remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Blackened Design

Posted on August 12, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We have talked a lot about what the “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic looks like and why it is important to recognize it. We have already spent a lot of time on the dynamics of it so you can become familiar with it, so I ‘m going to veer off-script a little and focus in on one component that is present in this “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic and also in the prosper and success part of it. The component I’m talking about is information—how it is used to create a dynamic and how it is used to take it back to a healthy place. The reason I am doing it in this week’s blog is because we are going to focus on the Blackened design, so it seems fitting.

Information and how it is used is an important piece of the “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic. If someone is to create a projection for you then how they get and use information determines whether they can cause a narrative to stick or not. The Blackened design is all about being real, and they have an “it is what it is” attitude; this is what leads them to be so honest about things and call it for what it is. Keeping that truth is critical if you want a healthy outcome. If you let information be used in unhealthy ways then you will get the opposite—reactivity and a lot of emotions will become involved.

Information used in an unhealthy way is what we refer to commonly as gossip. The interesting thing about gossip is it is loyal only to the unhealthy narrative. It is not loyal to the truth of things. If someone is controlling or dominating, they collect information that serves or rings true to the narrative. They will then use that information to support a projection and fact stack against the person it is directed to until the narrative seems to be true. It is done until the narrative sticks; it is designed to get you or others to believe it. It has no curiosity, the projection is designed only to support the unhealthy story line that the controller wants so they can get their way. The controlling person in the dynamic is only interested in information that supports the narrative of the person they are projecting onto so they only give approval to those who spread or serve up information that supports the narrative.

Healthy people want the truth. They are curious, so they like to look at all sides of things so they can make a healthy and integrated statement about the truth. A person who is high in Blackened values honesty, so it is important for that Blackened person to make sure it is the healthy truth and not the truth according to an unhealthy narrative that has been set in motion to control someone or an outcome. They want to make sure it will lead to prosperity for the Blackened person and those they like to protect.

What does prosper look like?

Blackened

For someone who is high in the Blackened design, to prosper is to fix. That is the bottom line to them. If something is wrong, they want a solution. The first thing they will do when they see that something is broken is want to know what happened—how did it break, or was it always this way? They don’t want to analyze the story, they just want the why, the how, and the what, in order to determine how it will lead to a solution. To a person that is Blackened this is the very way in which they protect those around them. It is how they care for people. It is like a first responder; they have to leave emotions at the door for a moment and move into a logical place so they can do the hard things that need to be done to protect. They will eventually let the emotions in, it will just be after the fix.

In the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic, a controlling person will start a narrative for them that because they show no emotion in those times, they are cold. Because the Blackened person rejects drama in the crisis, they don’t care and are emotionally stunted. That is the hook—as the Blackened person is still moving to fix or protect, they are riddled with self-doubt and the controller in the story is a bystander happy to throw around labels about how feelingless and primitive the Blackened person is. All the while the controlling person is on the sidelines working the crowd, telling everyone in their sights just how empathetic and emotionally advanced they are. So much so that they can hardly stand this awful situation. This then directs the attention and help to the controller, leaving the Blackened person alone to carry the weight of the crisis themselves. This can lead to isolation and a version of social shutdown.

The “can be” of the Blackened design is they can get forceful and resourceful to a fault. To the degree the Blackened person believes a narrative is equal to the degree they show up in these can be’s. This has high potential to make an unhealthy narrative of being void of emotion look like it could, in fact, be true.

If a Blackened person is at a point where they want to navigate a healthy “Once Upon A Time” Dynamic and turn it into their happily ever after, the best way to start is to communicate what those feelings or emotions will be, when they are past the fix or crisis, so those around them see both sides of the story—the logic and empathy. It would sound something like, “I can see that you are all scared, I’m going to fix this and then we will all talk about how scared we are. For now, let me do my job.” When the controlling people around you start to throw out those unhealthy adjectives from their desired narrative, correct them while you are working and protecting. When they say you are forceful, you follow up with, “I’m just strong.” When they say you are too resourceful, you say “I’m protecting our resources.” Then anyone can negotiate a situation from there.

One of the best things about the Blackened design is that they relate to realness and honesty. It is the hallmark of the Blackened design and it is the beauty of your authenticity. So start there. You can make anyone feel secure just through your actions. When they see your desire to fix, it makes us all feel more stable. Communicate your intentions as you go. It seems so obvious to you what you are doing when you move to fix things, but it is not as obvious to the other designs. The higher you are in the Blackened design the more you don’t enjoy analyzing the dramatic nature of situations. That is what makes you so real, so reassuring, and so secure. Your authentic strength starts from that place. Love it, live it, and celebrate it, and then celebrate others. You deserve it and others do too, because everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook