Self-doubt prevents you from looking inward and discovering what is uniquely yours; those things about your personality that make you who you are. The fear of not belonging tips the scale and you become more interested in conforming than in performing in a healthy, authentic way. This has high potential to place you on a destructive trajectory. It can generate a LOST kind of feeling. Some might minimize the effects of self-doubt and reduce it to “having a hard time”, and others might see it as some form of humility, but if we dare to take a deeper look and run into our feelings of self-doubt we can collect good information. We can assess in a healthy way where we might be doubting our self. We could possibly sit there long enough to see what we think others think we should be. If we stay long enough and tolerate those feelings, we can even notice where we are outsourcing and who we are outsourcing approval to. If we can do this, it is the first step in taking our healthy power back.
When you are experiencing self-doubt, you are not operating in your character. Character is an enduring pattern of behavior based on correct principle. Self-doubt is abandoning the work that you have put into creating these patterns over time and creating the foundation of your autonomy. One the other hand, when we consistently work this routine along the way, day to day, it cannot help but enhance your design. Those of us in self-doubt abandon this process and vacillate between building our authentic patterns and mirroring others. In mirroring others, we crash our boundaries often and that is where we lose parts of ourselves. It is exactly at this point we stop enrolling others and we find our self submitting to them instead.
In early childhood development we work to find what they love. If they were a child, maybe he has interest in airplanes. He might go on in his life to collect airplanes. He could possibly even fly them. If the secure parent can just follow him in this interest with curiosity and support his interest, taking him to museums and exploring books on airplanes, he will find his place and where he lands. If the parent can’t tolerate it because they like something else, that shuts down his interest and leads to self-doubt, the kind at this point he can only feel and might not be able to verbalize yet. Conversely, in a healthy situation, even if the child doesn’t stay with airplanes, they definitely get the message that their interests are important and they have a secure environment to explore. They are forming who they are.
This month we are looking at what self-doubt looks like in each design. This week we will focus on the Whitened design.
In the rapprochement model that we focused on last month we know that when a Whitened person gets overwhelmed it usually has to do with their circles of people or relationships. When they cannot please these people or get others to be together in healthy ways and it can overwhelm them. We know that their social intelligence is high and we know they are exceptional at anticipating others’ needs, so if those in their circles are not reciprocating, that will overwhelm a Whitened person over time.
One challenge with a Whitened person is they will not tell you they are getting overwhelmed until they have had it. In some cases they will never tell you, so they just abandon ship and it looks random or doesn’t make sense to you. In reality, they have been leaving the situation for a long time. It could leave those in the Whitened social circles or relationships scratching their heads and asking “how did that happen?” It is the Whitened persons way of saying “I’m out.”
When a Whitened person gets to this point it goes something like this in their head: “I have been trying and trying to love this person. I have been thinking what they need, and they in turn don’t even know me, so why even bother?” In this place, they still love this person and they still have a desire to be in their life, they have just lost their desire to enroll them into their vulnerability. The consequences of this is that they are now in a space where they do not anticipate the needs of this person or relationship, so it has the potential to look flippant to the others in the relationship. The relationship can lose its energy, and it tends to fizzle out with no confrontation just a very subtle separation over time.
Here is an example:
Two good friends in a work situation have been close friends for some time. The Whitened person is constantly anticipating, bantering with the other who is introverted, shy, and has an injury of being socially anxious. The Whitened person, in a light-hearted way paves a path when things become social that makes it very easy for the introverted one to step into any social situation. Time and time again when there are parties or large amounts of people involved, the Whitened person is there to pave the way, so no one even notices that the other person even struggles with these situations.
This goes on and on for years, and the Whitened person is getting fatigued of this, a little at a time. In the meantime, it is so easy to lean on the Whitened person that the introverted person at some level just gets accustomed to it and, after all, the Whitened person looks as if they are enjoying the ride—they make it look effortless. It is here where the Whitened person just wakes up and says, “I’m out.” They feel as if the other person in this work relationship doesn’t know them. They come into work and, later that day when there is a party, the introverted is ready for the paved road. Instead, they find themselves alone outside the door waiting for their Whitened friend, who doesn’t show up. They find out later that the Whitened friend is not even at this work party, but at a completely different party all together. The Whitened person does not even bring it up again. They are still nice but show no interest in creating the paved road anymore. Over time, these fast friends drift apart.
If the introverted friend, despite their social anxiety, could just meet a need of the Whitened co-worker here and there, even in small ways, the Whitened person would not fatigue. It would actually lead to a conversation of gratitude, which makes it easy for a Whitened person to step into vulnerability and helps them open up about what they need. This cannot help but strengthen the relationship overtime. They will appreciate the thoughtfulness and sincerity of the introverted person. This can go far in setting a foundation for a secure attachment in the relationship. It will also lead to healthy vulnerability.
The interesting thing is that in these situations, where the Whitened person gets overwhelmed and they are not getting the relief that they need, they do act in random ways, which often leads to criticism from others because their actions appear so random and illogical. This just leads to more distance and puts a wedge in the relationship.
If you are high in the Whitened design, use that Whitened charm to engage in relationships with healthy people. Create a space that is light-hearted and safe because that is the hallmark of your relationship. But stop along the way to get your own needs met and don’t be so quick to put them to the side. Think of it as feeding the relationship and preventing it from becoming fragile and brittle. Remember that always putting your needs to the side will not overwhelm you until suddenly it does, so work hard to prevent this dynamic along the way.
Really focus in on the example I gave and freeze the situation that we just talked about. The moment that paving the way for the other friend becomes a routine rather than something that happens in the moment, we see where the Whitened person can start to become overwhelmed. They get the feeling the other person does not know the Whitened person. This is the moment the breakdown gets its start. The introverted co-worker doesn’t know the Whitened person because the Whitened person doesn’t give them the chance. They are too busy paving the way, meeting the other person’s needs. So this is the very point when the Whitened person could just simply pause, speak up, and tell the other person about what they need. Negotiate. It could be something as simple as, “Hey I’m a little tired, when we get into the party could you find me a chair? Sometimes paving the way can make me tired.” That little bit of information gives the other a chance to reciprocate, which leads to bonding. Remember, we can only bond if we are receiving as well as giving. The receiving end is where we have potential for strong bonding. So if we are not receiving and always giving, then we are not bonding in healthy ways.
At the end of the day we ask ourselves those two questions
- Who am I?
You are you in that light-hearted, social way. You are you the way you like to enroll and serve others.
- Why am I outsourcing to others more than I am supporting myself in my design?
Remember, if we are outsourcing our approval at any point and putting that approval above our own authenticity we are in trouble. We might be paving a way for others to find relief, but we are paving the way to broken relationships as well if we are not negotiating, receiving, and bonding at the same time. That is a sure recipe for self-doubt!
This is critical for all designs, but it is especially critical for the Whitened personality. When we are collaborating we are still bonding; if we are hushed the relationship could be in trouble. Instead of staying hushed, go find healthy relationships. Seek for give and take interactions, live in the moment, and live in your design’s integrity. Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.
Brook
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