Category: Attract Connect Prosper

What Does a Whitened Person Need When We Come to the Table?

Posted on November 14, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

The holiday season is upon us and we are creating social events and offering invitations. Socializing is one of the best ways to renew our relationships with those we love. It protects relationships from getting stale. It breeds life and progress into relationships and helps them move along. When you really evaluate it, we do most of our interacting with others in social settings.

The holidays are a great time to focus on our friendships, old and new, and get to know each other at a deeper level. It provides many opportunities to play and laugh with others. Socializing happens at those holiday parties when we come together as families, co-workers, and neighbors, but those are not the only times we will find ourselves socializing this holiday season. It is any time or event that we personally deem a “social” situation. For example, it could be a meeting, but we deem it social in our mind. These are also places we have opportunities to get to know each other better.

As we come around the table on Thanksgiving Day, as well as other times, it is how we interact with each other in our social circles that either provides growth or becomes a barrier to further interactions and bonding.

This week let’s talk about what is important to those close to us that are Whitened.

Five things that a Whitened person is grateful for when we all come to the table:

Enrolling everyone that is in our social circles
Spontaneity is key
Anticipate each other’s needs and show up with fun surprises that matter
Laughter and light-hearted interactions
Flexibility and curiosity to just see where things will take you

If we take a few minutes to make sure these things are considered when entertaining our Whitened loved ones, it will insure a better interaction and a deeper bond.

Happy holidays and remember:

Everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

11.6.18 Thanksgiving: Who’s Coming to Dinner?

What Does a Saturated Person Need When We Come to the Table?

Posted on November 5, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

In the month of November, the holiday seasons have begun. As we think of all of the festivities that are ahead, the first thing we imagine is the gang all coming together around the table on Thanksgiving Day. It can elicit warm memories just thinking about it.

Thanksgiving Day is not the only time in the holiday season we will be seeing our friends and loved ones. It seems like endless engagements, parties, and activities fill our calendars through the end of the year. In light of that, it is a good idea to brush up on the things that are important to those we are entertaining and those we will be spending a lot of time with this holiday season.

Let’s start this week with what is important to those that are close to us that are Saturated.

Five things that a Saturated person is grateful for when we all come to the table:

Quality in any event or preparation
A little space here and there, especially between events
Simple interactions
Sitting quietly with those they love
Clear directions as to what will take place

If we take the few minutes to make sure these things are considered when entertaining our Saturated loved ones, it will insure a better interaction and a deeper bond.

Happy Holidays and remember:

Everyone is a Masterpiece.

Brook

11.18.19 What Does a Grayed Person Need When We Come to the Table

11.6.18 Thanksgiving: Who’s Coming to Dinner?

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, part 4

Posted on September 4, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When we are focused on getting our worth in the pursuit of perfection, we tend to measure how we are doing through tasks. Some measure how intense the task is to accomplish and then see their worth as a direct correlation to the intensity of that task. Others might measure their worth in the number of tasks they can accomplish in a short amount of time. Yet others can see themselves as superior because of the projection of perfection that these tasks could offer (bragging rights). More importantly, they run the risk of using others (those that do not use tasks to define themselves) as a springboard to showcase and elevate their projection of perfection—elevating themselves and criticizing others that cannot keep up with them.

In the healthy way of navigating, one see’s life’s tasks as something that keep us secure, not what defines us. The effort that we put into our tasks is the character that we build. Piece by piece, those characteristics become our value, then that value becomes our identity. The best part of this process is that you can make mistakes, in fact you will make mistakes, and it does nothing to take away from your effort. We just get up every day and try harder at being human. We do a little better each day than the day before; picking up character and identity along the way.

Tasks are a very important component of those who are high in the Blackened design. It creates meaning in their life. It is the very thing that drives them. If they plug perfection as an expectation to their tasks, it can get intense quickly. Intense for both the Blackened person and those who are around them. The expectations or rules that they put on the task is now the driving force and boy does it drive. It can be abrupt and forceful because fear is the fuel. If it looks like any imperfections might collide with their expectation, then you get strong emotion from the Blackened person and you feel a lot of force in the room. It gets people working, but not in a learning and thriving way, it’s in a pressured way. The task gets done but not as good as it could have with healthy collaboration, and it leaves the Blackened person disappointed and frustrated.

If the tasks get set up in a healthy, “being human” way of navigating life, then effort is the focus. When a Blackened person is managing that effort in a warm, real, and genuine way, then learning can’t help but be the consequence. Healthy Blackened people tend to create a casual and comfortable environment where everyone who experiences this culture is comfortable. They cannot help but put their best efforts forward. The healthy Blackened person is there with the warmth that only they have, and they use this warmth to blaze the trail for even more learning and more experiencing. If this continues day after day then everyone involved finds themselves open to adventure and thriving. That form of thriving and growth now becomes routine and creates stability. Because of that stability, adventure can be experienced at a higher level.

So, if you have Blackened in your design (we all have some), pick the” being human” way of going through life. Use tasks in a healthy way. The Blackened part of our design or personality is the “get ‘er done” part or the fixer. Move forward being human and in the moment, taking in everything that is happening around us. Don’t limit our view. Open it up and expand it. The more we take in, the more we can experience life in a healthy way. Get up every day with a commitment to fix, teach, enjoy, experience, and make each conversation or interaction with another human an adventure. You are the design that keeps it real and keeps us on track so make sure it is a healthy human kind of track. Persuade in real and casual calm ways and enjoy each and every moment. And always remember that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, Part 3

Posted on August 26, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings it is important for us to find relief if we are feeling unsafe. I feel like we are instinctively driven to run to the safest place when we are overwhelmed or need any kind of reassurance or calm. If we find ourselves in a situation where we have no safe place or no person that is safe, we are in danger of then manufacturing or projecting that we are an “OK” human, or that nothing is wrong. That causes us to just step right over those vulnerable feelings; and while we are stepping we are stuffing them down at the same time.

In other words, without a place or person of safety, the only other option is to avoid the vulnerable feelings all together. If you are high in the Grayed design, you might find yourself in that situation if you cannot find safety in working out the details of your feelings or a task.

One of the major dynamics that sets up “performing to belong” in relationships or interactions between a Grayed person and someone with any of the other designs is the dynamic that a Grayed person romances life through the details. It is the details of the process that are so important to them. So, if someone challenges that or, even worse, criticizes them for taking the time on the details, it has the potential to shut them down. It is so hard for them to move through a task in a hurry and not consider each contingency. That very consideration is how they ensure that things will be done correctly and with the most efficiency to produce optimum results. If someone rushes past all that careful consideration, it tends to freeze or shut down the Grayed way of doing things. The Grayed person is left with no alternate plan because they cannot function if things are not thought through and it creates frustration. On top of all of this, a Grayed person does not like confrontation so they are left to just watch as the project, task, or conversations gets hijacked or, from their perspective, tanked. All this leaves them feeling hopeless.

This is where the Grayed design checks out and avoids all together. They are left with nothing else but to project. Project that they don’t care. Project that they are not available. Project that they can’t engage for whatever reason. So here we are, overwhelmed and wanting to run to the safest place—avoidance. That is the Grayed person’s only option in the perfection way of doing things.

If you are high in the Grayed design and you are in the “being human” way of traveling through life, then the place we will find you at any given time is engaging in the details of that journey. The Grayed person is brilliant at sitting back with a calm about them and taking in all of the contingencies of any given situation. In the healthy way of experiencing life through “being human”, the Grayed person is not as concerned with others’ judgement of whether something is good or bad, but are just content with taking in all that is going on around them and finding the richness in each experience or interaction. They are content to support their position of taking the time to understand all sides and, more importantly, where that might lead everyone, not just them. If we would all step back and listen to a healthy Grayed person evaluate a dynamic we’d discover that it is seldom done from a selfish position, it is often evaluated so that everyone benefits.

The hallmark of the Grayed person is taking the time to see the “what could be” or the “what might be” of each situation. They think each fact through to see where it will end up or where it will put us if we make that decision, so they save us a lot of problems or grief from making the wrong choice or getting a bad outcome. If we would allow them a minute or two (or three or more) they will process through any dynamic and they can evaluate the good and the bad. They can see the romance of each choice. If we can resist dismissing them because they take extra time to think things through, then we get to witness the beautiful acceptance and tolerance that they have for life. If you are Grayed and you want to stay in the “being human” lane of life, then you have to do that for yourself. Support yourself while negotiating, and at all costs stay engaged no matter what is happening because you will help us see all of life, not just limited parts of it.

If you find that you have some Grayed in your personality, go ahead and THINK, PROCESS, TAKE TIME, NEGOTIATE, BE THOROUGH, SEE THE CONTINGENCIES, PLAN, AND ALWAYS DREAM!!! Dream in a way that only the Grayed mind can. You will see the beauty and romance in life. You deserve that and you will help the rest of us see that beauty as well. We deserve that too. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, part 2

Posted on August 20, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings, if we were to sit back and evaluate what it means to either strive for perfection or to strive to be human, the answers might best be extracted by asking some questions.

1. How high is my anxiety or worry when navigating a process that has any threat of being judged by someone else?
2. Whose opinion is the most important to me?
3. Do I spend time scanning for harshness, separation, or distress in relationships or with friends?
4. Can I tell immediately what the status of a relationship is?

If you find yourself with anxiety or worry in processes, being pulled by others opinions of you, avoiding or procrastinating, all while checking the status of relationships, you might be “performing to belong” instead navigating life with a healthy attitude and acceptance that we are all human and cannot completely obtain perfection.

If you find yourself living in each moment awake and aware and experiencing each new process in life, and can support yourself and let relationships flow and grow, then you are most likely planted in the “being human” way of breezing through life. You have a good and realistic expectation of yourself and more of your time and energy is spent in evaluating and growing your authenticity, your skills, and your character.

When we spend too much time “performing to belong,” the potential for the consequences to hit in relationships is high. To a Whitened person, or someone who has a high amount of Whitened in their design, how the interaction with a person in a relationship is going is the very way they measure whether they are successful or not as a human. How their own social circles are thriving are the very needle that they use to measure their barometer of life. They are not as concerned with the outcome or quality of the task as they are invested in everyone being “OK” (whatever they deem OK to be) and enjoying the activities that are required in a task or dynamic. The healthy energy in relationships is like their life source. If a social circle or a single relationship in a Whitened person’s life has tension or is not in a good place, they can feel like a failure all the way around. They tend to think in bubbles, or circles of groups, and they can balance a rather large amount of these groups. Some of us think they add new relationships to one big group of people they know but that is not the case; they carefully keep track of each separate bubble (group) no matter how big or small. They are all separate, with all their working parts, and the Whitened has the social intelligence to manage all of them. At the same time, they are always open to adding more to their life.

Here is the problem when a Whitened person finds them self “performing to belong.” They are riddled with stress about pleasing and tend to over please or be overly compliant. The Whitened person thinks that will fix everything because the person is pleased and happy with them. But without boundaries the relationship loses respect, and then they find themselves in a relationship of always giving and never receiving. Their only option in these relationships is to keep raising the “pleaser bar” higher and higher, to the detriment of the relationship and their own self-respect.

On the other hand, if a Whitened person is living life “being human” they have that “no guile” version of humility and they love walking through life with all of their relationships, open and curious to what is happening, and how all are experiencing the moment. Good or bad, they love being there. This version is the opposite of co-dependence because it moves in front of the group—navigating, leading, and experiencing things. This Whitened leader is able to be full of life and bring that brightness out of each moment. They know how to set up healthy bonding in a true and legitimate way and their boundary is flexibility over control. This comes from an absolute refusal to let unhealthy people dominate them, while at the same time keeping a complete commitment to the emotional integrity of the relationship. They teach the importance of compliance under any correct principle of “healthy interacting” and how non-conformity to correct principles can be destructive to relationships. Lastly, they have a humility that is pure and dedicated to “being human,” and having the advanced insight to love the imperfections in life and find joy in being unconditional.

So, to whatever degree you find you have Whitened in your personality or design (we all have some), pick the “Being Human” version of it and glide through life with a commitment to strengthen the emotional integrity of each one of your important relationships. Do it with flexibility and commitment to growth and learning. Be present and observant of what those that are important to you are experiencing and be curious and supportive of them. You will strengthen your bonds with those you love. I believe humans are good, and I believe all humans want to be loved. And I know for a surety that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook