Category: Building Skills

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, Part 3

Posted on August 26, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings it is important for us to find relief if we are feeling unsafe. I feel like we are instinctively driven to run to the safest place when we are overwhelmed or need any kind of reassurance or calm. If we find ourselves in a situation where we have no safe place or no person that is safe, we are in danger of then manufacturing or projecting that we are an “OK” human, or that nothing is wrong. That causes us to just step right over those vulnerable feelings; and while we are stepping we are stuffing them down at the same time.

In other words, without a place or person of safety, the only other option is to avoid the vulnerable feelings all together. If you are high in the Grayed design, you might find yourself in that situation if you cannot find safety in working out the details of your feelings or a task.

One of the major dynamics that sets up “performing to belong” in relationships or interactions between a Grayed person and someone with any of the other designs is the dynamic that a Grayed person romances life through the details. It is the details of the process that are so important to them. So, if someone challenges that or, even worse, criticizes them for taking the time on the details, it has the potential to shut them down. It is so hard for them to move through a task in a hurry and not consider each contingency. That very consideration is how they ensure that things will be done correctly and with the most efficiency to produce optimum results. If someone rushes past all that careful consideration, it tends to freeze or shut down the Grayed way of doing things. The Grayed person is left with no alternate plan because they cannot function if things are not thought through and it creates frustration. On top of all of this, a Grayed person does not like confrontation so they are left to just watch as the project, task, or conversations gets hijacked or, from their perspective, tanked. All this leaves them feeling hopeless.

This is where the Grayed design checks out and avoids all together. They are left with nothing else but to project. Project that they don’t care. Project that they are not available. Project that they can’t engage for whatever reason. So here we are, overwhelmed and wanting to run to the safest place—avoidance. That is the Grayed person’s only option in the perfection way of doing things.

If you are high in the Grayed design and you are in the “being human” way of traveling through life, then the place we will find you at any given time is engaging in the details of that journey. The Grayed person is brilliant at sitting back with a calm about them and taking in all of the contingencies of any given situation. In the healthy way of experiencing life through “being human”, the Grayed person is not as concerned with others’ judgement of whether something is good or bad, but are just content with taking in all that is going on around them and finding the richness in each experience or interaction. They are content to support their position of taking the time to understand all sides and, more importantly, where that might lead everyone, not just them. If we would all step back and listen to a healthy Grayed person evaluate a dynamic we’d discover that it is seldom done from a selfish position, it is often evaluated so that everyone benefits.

The hallmark of the Grayed person is taking the time to see the “what could be” or the “what might be” of each situation. They think each fact through to see where it will end up or where it will put us if we make that decision, so they save us a lot of problems or grief from making the wrong choice or getting a bad outcome. If we would allow them a minute or two (or three or more) they will process through any dynamic and they can evaluate the good and the bad. They can see the romance of each choice. If we can resist dismissing them because they take extra time to think things through, then we get to witness the beautiful acceptance and tolerance that they have for life. If you are Grayed and you want to stay in the “being human” lane of life, then you have to do that for yourself. Support yourself while negotiating, and at all costs stay engaged no matter what is happening because you will help us see all of life, not just limited parts of it.

If you find that you have some Grayed in your personality, go ahead and THINK, PROCESS, TAKE TIME, NEGOTIATE, BE THOROUGH, SEE THE CONTINGENCIES, PLAN, AND ALWAYS DREAM!!! Dream in a way that only the Grayed mind can. You will see the beauty and romance in life. You deserve that and you will help the rest of us see that beauty as well. We deserve that too. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, part 2

Posted on August 20, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings, if we were to sit back and evaluate what it means to either strive for perfection or to strive to be human, the answers might best be extracted by asking some questions.

1. How high is my anxiety or worry when navigating a process that has any threat of being judged by someone else?
2. Whose opinion is the most important to me?
3. Do I spend time scanning for harshness, separation, or distress in relationships or with friends?
4. Can I tell immediately what the status of a relationship is?

If you find yourself with anxiety or worry in processes, being pulled by others opinions of you, avoiding or procrastinating, all while checking the status of relationships, you might be “performing to belong” instead navigating life with a healthy attitude and acceptance that we are all human and cannot completely obtain perfection.

If you find yourself living in each moment awake and aware and experiencing each new process in life, and can support yourself and let relationships flow and grow, then you are most likely planted in the “being human” way of breezing through life. You have a good and realistic expectation of yourself and more of your time and energy is spent in evaluating and growing your authenticity, your skills, and your character.

When we spend too much time “performing to belong,” the potential for the consequences to hit in relationships is high. To a Whitened person, or someone who has a high amount of Whitened in their design, how the interaction with a person in a relationship is going is the very way they measure whether they are successful or not as a human. How their own social circles are thriving are the very needle that they use to measure their barometer of life. They are not as concerned with the outcome or quality of the task as they are invested in everyone being “OK” (whatever they deem OK to be) and enjoying the activities that are required in a task or dynamic. The healthy energy in relationships is like their life source. If a social circle or a single relationship in a Whitened person’s life has tension or is not in a good place, they can feel like a failure all the way around. They tend to think in bubbles, or circles of groups, and they can balance a rather large amount of these groups. Some of us think they add new relationships to one big group of people they know but that is not the case; they carefully keep track of each separate bubble (group) no matter how big or small. They are all separate, with all their working parts, and the Whitened has the social intelligence to manage all of them. At the same time, they are always open to adding more to their life.

Here is the problem when a Whitened person finds them self “performing to belong.” They are riddled with stress about pleasing and tend to over please or be overly compliant. The Whitened person thinks that will fix everything because the person is pleased and happy with them. But without boundaries the relationship loses respect, and then they find themselves in a relationship of always giving and never receiving. Their only option in these relationships is to keep raising the “pleaser bar” higher and higher, to the detriment of the relationship and their own self-respect.

On the other hand, if a Whitened person is living life “being human” they have that “no guile” version of humility and they love walking through life with all of their relationships, open and curious to what is happening, and how all are experiencing the moment. Good or bad, they love being there. This version is the opposite of co-dependence because it moves in front of the group—navigating, leading, and experiencing things. This Whitened leader is able to be full of life and bring that brightness out of each moment. They know how to set up healthy bonding in a true and legitimate way and their boundary is flexibility over control. This comes from an absolute refusal to let unhealthy people dominate them, while at the same time keeping a complete commitment to the emotional integrity of the relationship. They teach the importance of compliance under any correct principle of “healthy interacting” and how non-conformity to correct principles can be destructive to relationships. Lastly, they have a humility that is pure and dedicated to “being human,” and having the advanced insight to love the imperfections in life and find joy in being unconditional.

So, to whatever degree you find you have Whitened in your personality or design (we all have some), pick the “Being Human” version of it and glide through life with a commitment to strengthen the emotional integrity of each one of your important relationships. Do it with flexibility and commitment to growth and learning. Be present and observant of what those that are important to you are experiencing and be curious and supportive of them. You will strengthen your bonds with those you love. I believe humans are good, and I believe all humans want to be loved. And I know for a surety that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human

Posted on August 13, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Perfection as a human being is impossible to obtain but striving for it is a worthy goal. If we are striving for any type of perfection, the process responsibly has to be navigated with an absolute commitment to humility and knowing that it cannot be obtained, but it can be looked at for a direction or a focus.

I propose a superior and more realistic version of this journey. To simply be human. A work in progress as a human, like a piece of art being created—“Human Art.”

There are only two paths in this scenario: one is perfection and one is being human. If we pick the first, then we are picking “performing to belong.” Our focus is on perfection and our worth is determined by how well we perform. We usually pick this one because we feel the need for more control over our lives, especially if a dynamic in our life feels out of control. It’s the way we are made. If something significant feels out of control, then we feel the need to control the little things. We can get preoccupied or even obsess about them. It makes us feel like we have more power or more say in how our life is going. The problem in this choice or this path is that if we make one little mistake, no matter how tiny it is, then all is lost or at least all feels lost. To me, that is just too much pressure and adds unnecessary stress.

On the second path, the one that I recommend, being human, you just wake up each day and try your very best at being human. You can still keep your eye on that unobtainable goal of perfection, but you have that humility and expectation that you will make a few mistakes eventually, and that you can rectify them and keep moving forward. Then you retire for the night and wake up the next day, again trying your very best to be human—the human you were meant to be.

Part of the challenge with performing to belong is that the goal post can be moved based on who is defining success. Depending on your family, friends, or associates, your “script” for success can vary. Sometimes in subtle ways. For example, a Saturated person’s perfection is like a snapshot in their mind or a picture of all the components which correlate with success. This snapshot spurs their misguided motivation and guides them to achieve that image of perfection. One of our Saturated clients had an unhealthy snapshot in his mind about what his version of perfection would look like, and he was determined to achieve it. In the snapshot, he had an advanced degree, he was driving home from work in his top of the line sports car, and he had his friends waiting to adore him at his large estate. This snapshot became a map that he keeps returning to in order to drive his ambitions.

Here is the problem. In order for this person to be successful, each element or condition must be met. So in real life, what would happen if he had an advanced degree, he was driving home, and his friends are waiting with adoration, but he is driving an old broken down truck? According to the snapshot, all is lost and we cannot connect until everything is perfectly positioned. Most likely, the Saturated perfection would not tolerate having the “party” until each element was met, losing opportunities to co-generate with others organically.

On the other hand, when you are being human, you can accept and recognize all the different types of success. The snapshot has a more mindful feel to it. You love your advanced degree and the fact that you own the title to the truck, and you can’t wait to see what is new with your friends, as opposed to impressing them. Being human allows the snapshot to change and evolve as new demands and challenges arise, without feeling less than.

To the degree that you have Saturated in your design or personality is the degree that a snapshot will drive your ambition. Make sure that the quality of the snapshot is set up in your mind with the healthy “being human” path and the expectations that come with it. Quality drives a Saturated person, so in the “being human” path you can still have your snapshot to motivate you, but you will find the quality in each element of that snapshot and you learn to tolerate change and the things that life throws in your snapshot. You are brilliant at finding the quality in even the bleakest of conditions. It is just how that design works. They are the original “diamond in the rough” seekers.

So go and be human—a beautiful human, a quality human—and shine like only you can shine. Encourage others to shine and support their human version of a snapshot. People are good so celebrate them and celebrate yourself. Celebrate your life, and remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

New Year Goals by Design – Part 5 – Landscape Your Goals

Posted on January 29, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Remember at the end of December/beginning of January, we talked about building an inner landscape before we set goals. Each week we walked you through one design’s inner landscape tool and we discussed and put into place a different tool. We had you practice all four of them. Now, you are equipped to move forward with goals. (If you haven’t read our previous posts about the inner landscape tools, start here first).

In the true form of a pep-talk of sorts…move forward and make goals, keeping the inner landscape tools as the priority. It is so common for all of us to have a pure and true desire to conquer a goal but it is very difficult, seemingly impossible, to do it without a good healthy inner landscape. It is the foundation for any goal setting, milestone, growth or achievement. So when you start a process of any kind, lay the foundations by strengthening your ability to use these tools and then landscape your goals until you get what you desire.

Setting goals by design is just as we have discussed over the month of January. It is finding the desired growth and then putting into play the inner landscape to support the growth in the goal. The degree we have each design is the degree that we need a good solid ability to use and support our growth with that specific tool. For example, if I was a person that had A LOT of Saturation and a large amount of Whitened right after it, I would need A LOT of discipline (Saturated tool) and a LARGE amount of ability to qualify and disqualify in a healthy way (Whitened tool). That would be my focus on my journey to achieving anything. Let’s also say That would leave a small amount of Grayed and “fumes” of Blackened in my design. Naturally I would notice I didn’t need to focus so much on staying engaged (Grayed) or my effort (Blackened). I would simply try to take notice of when I disengaged and what were the circumstances around that, also when did my effort start to lose its focus or strength.

As a reminder:
-Saturated inner landscape tool is discipline
-Whitened inner landscape tool is the ability to qualify and disqualify in a healthy way
-Grayed inner landscape tool is to stay engaged
-Blackened inner landscape tool is effort

A real life example from the Human Art family….

One client has Saturated first then Blackened second. She wants to achieve success in educating herself to get the desired profession she desires. It is her dream. Naturally she has no problem engaging herself in study and getting things done. She is literally like her own personal drill sergeant, marching to her own calls. She is very motivated and very structured—she has check off lists and compartments and she has the discipline to not move on until the task at hand is done. When she started the process at Human Art of learning and strengthening her inner landscape she could see that it was in her third design, Whitened, where she was falling behind. It was her inability to qualify and disqualify in a healthy way that was taking her out and shutting down her growth.

It was interesting because she had a great ability to qualify healthy and unhealthy systems and people, she just didn’t have the ability to qualify herself and her efficacy in a healthy way. In other words, she disqualified herself easily and then her Grayed (her very last design) was quick to come up with evidence to support that unhealthy system. Her call to action, before any achievement or setting any goal, was to strengthen her ability to qualify herself. She learned to go into any task asking for help and learning to get integrated feedback so she didn’t have to be so quick to disqualify herself; instead she could make accurate evaluations about what she did well and what she needed to learn more about and move on from there. Her Whitened in a weak state literally had the ability to take out that great inner drill sergeant that was moving her forward. Now with a better foundation of a strong inner landscape she can move forward with her goals and find joy in achieving them.

If you desire your true authenticity then this is your new system of learning, growing, achievement and finding success. In each new process of moving forward in life, each new stage, each time we all find ourselves uncomfortable in growth, find security in this system. Now, at the end of January, set goals, sign up for new things, look to your dreams and think about what you want to accomplish and use your inner landscape to get there. You can and you deserve to grow. We all do, because…
everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

READ ALL THIS MONTH’S POSTS ABOUT INNER LANDSCAPE TOOLS:

Part 1 – Introduction and Saturated
Part 2 -Whitened
Part 3 – Grayed
Part 4 – Blackened

New Year Goals by Design – Part 4 – Blackened

Posted on January 22, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We are finally to the week of learning about the Blackened Design and their inner landscape tools! (if you haven’t read about the first three yet, read them here: Introduction and Saturated, Whitened, Grayed)

The Blackened design craves tasks, so the required inner landscape tool is Effort. The central focus of the Blackened design is to fix it. They love to get the job done. This has the potential to step over emotions in order to get things done. This may alienate others because they become too narrowly focused on the task at the expense of bringing others along and integrating others’ perspectives and priorities.

When you meet a Blackened person, you immediately notice their effort and focus for the task. What is often missing is effort directed at considering different opinions on how the task may be accomplished. The Blackened person puts their energy into the obvious thing that needs to be fixed but it is a challenge for them to listen to the factors contributing to the problem or the impact of the problem in terms of emotional fall out.

When the Blackened person sets a goal, they focus on the obvious solution and can become resourceful to a fault. This looks like finding the most simple and pragmatic solution which is efficient and cost effective. It is hard for them to set a New Year’s goal because they tend to wait for something to break before they engage. It is kind of like a cycle of “break and fix, break and fix, break and fix,” etc.

When a Blackened person comes into Human Art, they express that others are too dramatic, too wasteful, too complicated, too stuffy, or too irresponsible. When we get to work and broaden their perspective, they can start to appreciate the bigger picture. Their effort is to look deeper to see what is really broken. As they understand a broader array of variables, they will be able to see and prevent problems before they break.

So the call to action this week is to ask more questions. Listen more deeply. Slow down and collect more information before acting. Fix feelings instead of things. Consider the intentions and values of others. Try taking the other’s perspective. If they are happy, then you fixed it.

And remember Everyone is a Masterpiece.

Brook

READ OUR OTHER GOALS BY DESIGN POSTS!

Part 1 – Introduction and Saturated
Part 2 -Whitened
Part 3 – Grayed
Part 5 – Landscape Your Goals