Category: The 4 Designs

Design Inner Conflict: The Whitened Design

Posted on May 13, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As I said last week, an “inner conflict” is just like the difficult dynamics that can occur between totally different designs; but instead of a different person, it is a conflict with the differences in your own predominant design and your secondary designs. It is literally a fight with yourself.

We talked about how that inner conflict can look for a person who is dominantly Saturated, let’s talk this week about the Whitened design.

Some of you are high in the Whitened design, others might have a strong influence in it, yet others might just have a little bit. No matter what the case is, let’s talk about how it shows up. It is important to remember the central focus of the Whitened design is social; so enrolling others in their life is important to them. They love to anticipate others’ needs and a big part of that dynamic is that the people they interact with are happy. If the Whitened design can please those around them, they find joy. They still have boundaries and limits if they are healthy, but they are very patient and are often willing to stay in a growing and learning dynamic for a long time. They seem to tolerate it well. They are pleasant and don’t seem to have agendas along the way.

Whitened with an Influence of Saturated
The inner conflict of a design high in Whitened with a Saturated influence is that the Whitened wants to please others and enroll them, but when it gets too complicated the Saturated part of their design sometimes gets overwhelmed and wants to disconnect in an attempt to get some space. The Whitened can morph well to others and what they are doing, but it confuses the Saturated part of their design. It has the potential to leave that person lost as what to do. The Saturated wants to assess any violations in relationships with others to stay safe, and the Whitened wants to forgive—so it leads to an inner conflict. The Whitened stays safe through forgiveness and the Saturated stays safe through order, so it can be a challenge finding balance between the two.

Whitened with an Influence of Grayed
The Whitened wants to be free to move here and there in relationships quickly, and can start where people are at. They can jump in wherever the person they care about is and just move from there. The Grayed needs more information first so they know how to ease in, and they enjoy a slower pace. The inner conflict shows up right there. The Whitened part of the design creates safety by their willingness to go where others need them to go to give support, where the Grayed creates safety through being cautious.

Whitened with an Influence of Blackened
The Whitened has no guile and no agenda so, again, someone high in Whitened will navigate their life with that as their guide. The Blackened, however, is all about agendas, which is usually tasks and a “get ‘r done” approach, so the inner conflict is where to put their energy. Do I create spontaneity and have adventures in that “no agenda” way, or do I just get what needs to be done, DONE? The inner conflict is that each design has strong emotions on what is the most credible and it can become a fight inside. The Whitened creates safety by making those around them feel safe as they are moving through tasks, while the Blackened creates safety through the structure of the tasks.

You can see that there is great potential for inner conflicts to overwhelm a person, but don’t let them. Just be mindful of the way the different designs navigate life and roll with it. It is where you will do your best work—by letting an amount of all of them do their magic. It is where your success lies. We need to use some of all four, because we were made with some of all the designs. It is important to acknowledge them all in the amounts that we have them. That is the very thing that makes each human unique. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

~Brook

Design Inner Conflict: The Saturated Design

Posted on May 7, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

What is a “design inner conflict?” It is just like it sounds: a conflict within your design. An argument of sorts, with yourself. The conflict shows up in your relationship with yourself and it manifests itself in your inner dialogue. It is those thoughts and conversation you have inside your mind.

Because of the fact that we have all four designs and each has its own central focus, that central focus wants to win out; so it fights with the central focus of the other designs—especially your second design personality.

For example, my Saturated and Whitened are equal and they are my dominant designs. The central focus of the Saturated design is that I crave order in my life, while my Whitened craves change and that manifests itself in creativity. The inner conflict is: do I pick order, or do I create spontaneity? The questions go on and on in my head. It could be something as simple as, “do I clean a closet out, or do I spend that time designing a new living space?” They both seem equally important to me at any given time.

We are going to talk this month about these “design inner conflicts” and how they might occur within each dominant and secondary design.

Tonight, let’s talk about the Saturated design. Those who are high in that design will relate to this explanation, but those who are not should still pay attention for the sake of those in their life that are Saturated.

Saturated with an Influence of Whitened
As I stated previously, the Saturated design has a need for order. They like things simple and they thrive when there is a lot of negative space around them. That is a lot of nothing or empty space. So they would want things quiet and calm. Their Whitened however, would sit in the calm quiet and then want to socialize it with others; so they would have the need to fill that space with other people or with something to do. It would be a fight to see which one wins out.

Saturated with an Influence of Grayed
The central focus of the Grayed design is to process and really pay attention to the details and connections. So if someone is Saturated first with a secondary Grayed design, the inner conflict would not be so much of a fight back and forth as much as the inner dialogue would blend. But the details or facts that are important to each design are what would have that back and forth dialogue, which would have the potential to overwhelm the Saturated-Grayed person.

Saturated with an Influence of Blackened
The Blackened influence as a secondary to the Saturated could create a collision of sorts in their thoughts. The Saturated would want to take charge in the sequencing, but the Blackened logic would want to be practical. Something as simple as wanting to purchase an item that is quality and worthwhile to the Saturated part of the design, but then the Blackened resourcefulness talks themselves out of it. Often times they express regret, not buyers regret, but regret that they don’t have enough quality around them.

This week, write down what is most important to your Saturated design if you are Saturated first, then write down the things that create a conflict with it. Learn to work it out with both designs, just as if they are small children you have to help regulate. After a while it will become natural and you will find yourself on your way to supporting yourself. That in the end is the goal.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Opposites Attract: Celebrating the Differences (The Grayed Design)

Posted on April 30, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Learning to appreciate the opposite attraction in all of our close relationships will enhance all aspects of those relationships, but it is our job to pay attention to it and to keep it in the proper perspective. To many times as humans we forget to look at that important opposite tension in our relationships, and instead of letting it do its job naturally and keep the relationship growing, I fear that sometimes we put it in the “annoyance” category and let it get in the way of growth. This has great potential to break down relationships without us even noticing that it is doing so. In some cases, we don’t notice it until it feels too late to do something about it.

I will tell you that it is never too late to do something about it if you value healthy relationships.

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We’ve already discussed this opposite tension with the Saturated, Whitened, and Blackened designs, so let’s talk this week about Grayed.

The Grayed design loves details and they love taking their time in relationships. It is part of the romance, no matter what stage of the relationship you are in. If you are on the front end and in the “getting to know each other” part of the relationship, you will notice that they love to take time and really evaluate the connection. At the same time though, they also are internalizing those connections and really enjoying them and living them as they do that analysis. If you find yourself in the “years later” part of a relationship, they have connected with you through your history and they are deeply loyal to that type of connection.

Grayed with Saturated People
Because of the fact that Grayed people love to take their time to analyze everything, the opposite clear-thinking aspect of a Saturated person is very attractive to a Grayed person. They admire their ability to sequence and move forward with competence in each decision. On the other hand, it can become a barrier to getting closer to the Grayed design because that can later come across as immovable and rigid to a Grayed person. They might take that initial admiration for precision and later see it as a reason to lose credibility with them and also with others.

Grayed with Whitened People
The Whitened design moves quickly and spontaneously, and to a Grayed person that is attractive because it feels free. They feel full of life and can even bring a Grayed person along and nudge them a little. It is very attractive to the Grayed design for an amount of time. It can, however, lose credibility when components of the relationship start to have a pattern of losing their conservatism and seem random to the Grayed person. It can be very threatening to the Grayed design’s way of life.

Grayed with Blackened People
The Blackened design is initially very attracted to the thoroughness and conservative nature of the Grayed design. They both love to mute anything too bright or dramatic, so the opposite attraction can seem very comfortable in the beginning, but if not navigated in a healthy way with healthy independence, both designs take completely different routes to getting their needs meet. That might make each design think that things are changing when it comes to the attraction, when they really are not. The Blackened will get busy trying to fix the problem, which might seem forceful to the Grayed design. That can also seem like a confrontation and Grayed people are very uncomfortable with confrontation. The more the Blackened person forces the issue, the more the Grayed tends to avoid the issue all together.

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Again, it is so important to navigate and collaborate from the position of the initial attraction, by remembering how important it was to us when we first met the person in our relationship. Letting people be free to express themselves in their authenticity is required in celebrating each other in opposite relationships.

And just as an interesting final note…we seem to have a habit of surrounding ourselves with our opposite designs, that’s just the way we tend to set up close relationships. That makes it even more important to remember and learn to navigate this important concept of “Opposites Attract.”

It is also equally important to remember that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Opposites Attract: Celebrating the Differences (The Blackened Design)

Posted on April 23, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

“We just don’t see things the same way.”

“I just don’t get why they do things that way, it makes no sense to me.”

“No matter how much I try to talk sense into them they just can’t see it.”

Again, I have heard all of these, which just reaffirms how important the concept of “opposites attract” is to understand.

Whether it is in romantic or committed relationships, work relationships, or just socially interacting, learning to really appreciate that “opposites attract” is crucial to human interaction and to finding happiness in relating with others. Conflict and attraction go hand in hand, and understanding both and, more importantly, learning to accept that they have to exist together, is key. It is a part of that beautiful tension that keeps us connected.

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We have already talked in past weeks about the Saturated and Whitened designs, let’s talk this week about the way opposites attract with the Blackened Design.

The Blackened design is so logical and practical; that is part of the strength of the design. They love the fix and when there is a problem they just move to solutions. They nurture through tasks and that is often how they connect with others.

Blackened with Saturated People
Blackened relates well to the Saturated design. They both relate to logic, and even though it manifests in different ways, they still appreciate it in each other. Where the opposite attraction lies is in the contrast between the Saturated introverted appropriateness and the Blackened extroverted assertiveness. The Saturated way of coping will feel aloof to the Blackened, who will jump into a “fix it” mentality. They might have a logic war, and in conflict Saturated will tend to withhold and Blackened will tend to get forceful.

Blackened with Whitened People
The Whitened design can be attracted to the stability and structure of the Blackened design. They will love the feeling of that in the beginning. As time goes on however, if they are not careful, they will move into a place where they might see that same dynamic as stifling and controlling and feel that their spontaneity is threatened. The Blackened might feel out of control with the Whitened light-hearted approach to everything and feel the need to change them into a more structured person. This is a dangerous game because it moves them out of being someone to interact with and they will find themselves in a parental-type role instead.

Blackened with Grayed People
The Grayed design is very attracted to the strength and abruptness of the Blackened design’s ability to move on things. It is rejuvenating to be around a Blackened person, especially if the Grayed person is feeling overwhelmed or avoidant. This will last as long as the honeymoon phase of the relationship lasts. If we don’t keep the concept of “opposites attract” in its healthy place, the potential for an extreme change to take place is high. When the Grayed person moves into an analytical place and starts to over think the Blackened’s directness, the Grayed person could see that as too direct or even abrupt, and start to be embarrassed by the attention that it might bring to the couple.

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The best approach is to always try to see what we loved when it comes to our opposite. Remember how it felt when we first experienced it. It is also critical to remember that we always have our own autonomy and it is not defined by others. This is important because it frees us up to be independent and allows us, and others, to accept and celebrate the differences, even in a committed relationship. The best part of relationships is that we are all different, and when someone is our opposite we need to accept, and even go as far as to anticipate, the differences.

Just pause every once in a while to see just how beautiful they are and recite to ourselves what it is that we love about the opposite design. It will put us in a place to love deeper, negotiate in a healthier way, get more needs meet, and definitely gain a deeper understanding. We all need that, and we all crave validation for who we are. Loving the other person in our opposite attraction is the first step into letting them influence us for the better. This is important to navigating any relationships.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Opposites Attract: Celebrating the Differences (The Whitened Design)

Posted on April 16, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

“Why doesn’t my mom fix the disposal instead of putting polka dots on the cake?”

“Why don’t I love and admire my spouse like I did when we first met?”

“I used to criticize my daughter because she is so opposite of me. Through Human Art I am back to appreciating who she is and how she is made.”

These are all statements that I have heard about the Whitened design from the other designs and personalities.

One of the most important things that come out of being willing to recognize how important it is to have opposite dynamics in our close relationships, is a chance for us to grow. If we were all the same design it would be too easy. We would all agree all the time; there would be no need to compromise or negotiate. I do admit there are moments that we wish we were the same, but having opposites gives us the opportunity to take someone else’s perspective. It enhances our individual relationships, our family relationships, and our community relationships.

It is impossible to have empathy if you do not have the ability to take someone else’s perspective. Without taking someone else’s perspective it is also difficult to validate. Taking time to really slow down, to be curious about the opposite dynamics or central focus in all of the relationships in our life, is critical to strong relationships.

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When it comes to the Whitened design, some things that are important to know about them in relationships is that they are socially driven and they love to enroll in a spontaneous way. They have no guile, so when someone criticizes them without empathy, they don’t even relate to that and the criticism feels hurtful. They also love to anticipate the needs of others. The Whitened person is quick to surrender their perspective to the other designs’, but with a cost. They will walk away with resentment, and their version of pushing back is to shut down the relationship.

So let’s talk a little about the dynamics of the Whitened design with the other three:

Whitened with Saturated People
The Saturated person is quality driven and focused on their sequencing and is driven by that agenda, so when the Whitened person starts to feel that inflexibility, the Saturated person in the relationship starts to lose credibility with them. The Saturated person usually feels this, so in an attempt to gain control of the situation they become more strict with trying to restore order and that has great potential to come across as rigid to the Whitened personality.

Whitened with Grayed People
The Grayed personality is driven by attention to the details. They are connectors, and they do not like change without thoroughly thinking through the possibilities and contingencies. The Whitened person moves so quickly and has a great deal of flexibility, so taking time to think things through can sometimes frustrate the Whitened personality. They want to move with spontaneity and see where things take them, so they might view the Grayed person as stalling or being too conservative.

Whitened with Blackened People
The Blackened personality just wants to get things done, they focus on the fix. They are direct and honest to help protect. The Whitened personality, however, can see this as stepping over the feelings of those in the relationship and then they don’t want “the fix” because they believe it was at the cost of the relationship. The Blackened could see too many feelings as dramatic whereas feelings are key to the Whitened who sees them as the foundation of relationships.

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The important part of all these dynamics, again, is curiosity—being curious about the differences and accepting them, then negotiating from that place. When we love our own authenticity but also create space in our thinking for the authenticity of others’, we are strengthening our capacity to love those in our life with opposite designs and have richer interactions and deeper connections.

So this week dive deeper into our important relationships, and instead of comparing them to ourselves and criticizing them, think of life through their lens. If we are confused when we try to do that, just clarify with them; ask questions and get to know them better. They will love that and you will get to know them better and love them more. It will work, I promise, because everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook