Dominance in Relationships: Are We Doing It?

Posted on by Brook Thornley

Dominance is a destructive trait when it comes to relationships. Extreme dominance in a relationship is pretty obvious, but aggression in a relationship is a form of dominance as well, and can be harder to recognize.

For example: withholding emotion is one type of dominance through aggression. Withholding emotions or love is a form of aggression but is tricky to recognize. It usually feels like you are being ignored or put off.

A client in this situation asked, “What am I doing wrong?”

Wanting to know more I asked, “What happened?”

The client began to explain. “I want to be on a team. It’s the purple team and I love when I’m working with this team.”

I asked, “What did your parents say?”

They responded, “No, we want you on the black team because it is more prestigious.”

“Then what happened?”

“Well, I talked to my parents but did not get a response, they changed the subject.”

Later in session with the parents and this client we asked each to give his or her perspective. The parents talked about how prestigious the black team was and it sounded like a great organization. Then the client told of all the great things the purple team had. In the middle of the description the client turned to one of the parents and pleaded, “I respect you and the way you think but I am so happy on the purple team and I am not happy or comfortable on the black team.”

The parent turned away from the client and really calmly said, “We will move forward with the black team, in order to not sever the relationship.” The client surrendered their preference. It left the client feeling like they had done something wrong and, because things stayed so calm, it was difficult for any of them to see any aggression in this interaction.

I am positive the parent meant well, after all the black team had many great qualities. But the point is not which one is better, the black or purple team (I’m sure they are both great); where it breaks down is in aggression or dominance. Simply listening to the client and understanding the needs and validating their feelings would have served all of them better.

INITIATE vs. DOMINATE

We all dominate at different times. Each design, in fact, has a way they initiate interactions in a healthy way but they can also use that same trait to dominate or be aggressive. It’s like going in to the “can be’s” that we talked about a couple of weeks ago.

Make sure in your interactions you are staying on the healthy side. Do a quick inventory of how you are interacting in hard to navigate situations or conversations. Simply put, how do you act when you want something?

Here are some examples for each design. Find where you are and strive to stay on the positive side so you are initiating in a healthy way and not dominating.

Saturated
Initiate: Good at finding what’s important to move forward, and the quality in an interaction or task.

Dominate: When you don’t agree with their version of quality and you are discredited for it and often times pushed to the side or marginalized.

Whitened
Initiate: They can enroll people into a task or interaction in such a healthy and nonthreatening way. They use spontaneity to move quickly and keep it light and fun.

Dominate: Dominance with the Whitened design looks random and can be quite chaotic. They dominate you with their busyness by over-enrolling and overusing resources in a random pattern, leaving you feeling trapped with little resources left to get your bearings. They might dominate time, finances, or possessions with their spontaneity. It can leave you feeling hopeless and confused because it’s all done in a pretty innocent way.

Grayed
Initiate: They are good at thinking through connections and possible connections with people or tasks or processes. They meticulously cover all the “could be’s” the “might be’s” and the “should be’s” in any given situation. They can see ahead to any possible problems and are good at preventing those possible problems. They move through the details thoroughly and are cautious.

Dominate: They tend to dominate through avoidance. They might overthink right past a commitment and never lock in on anything. Because they tend to overthink their aggression can look like they are avoiding and get their way by sidestepping issues or avoiding them all together. It can leave you with very little information or very few options.

Blackened
Initiate: They are so good at initiating through tasks. They just get things done and fix it. They take it as it comes and tend to not worry too much; just fix and sort things as they are confronted with the situation.

Dominate: They dominate through tasks as well. They make you feel inadequate if you don’t value the tasks and are not on board or up to doing all the projects. They can make you feel weak if you don’t keep up. They can belittle you for it and make you feel inadequate.

 

 

It is so important to remember we are super effective when we stay in the positive side of our design. We get so much done. However when we dominate it can be very destructive to relationships. We might get things accomplished, but at the expense of closeness in our relationships.So at the end of the day my client and their parents from the beginning didn’t necessarily do anything wrong; there just needed to be more understanding, collaborating, and positive initiative and less dominance.

Take an inventory of your relationships. You have so much power, legitimate power when you stay on the positive side of your greatness and leave any dominance and aggression behind.  Move forward, change relationships for the better, be who you were intended to be, and interact in a way you do best.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Meet Holli: Human Art Ambassador

Posted on by Brook Thornley

We are so excited to be introducing Holli Ames as our new Human Art Ambassador! As part of our team Holli will be the liaison between you, the client and our Human Art business team to make sure you are being heard!

She will be working to best anticipate and meet your needs, and will also be responding to your questions in an “Ask Holli” column that will be introduced on the blog soon!

With Holli on our team, we hope to make your experience and interaction with Human Art even better! HolIi has a knack for understanding what a consumer is most likely to want and need. She takes her experience as a mom consumer and associates degree in accounting and puts it all together to meet the needs of each client.

Her attractiveness can be defined with the word possibilities! She can always see the possibilities in any project and in each person she encounters. Using that unique attractiveness, she will be able to bring Human Art and your experience with it to a whole new level! We can’t wait for you to see what she can do!

Message from Holli:

I am thrilled to be joining the Human Art Team as an Ambassador! My journey with Human Art began over 10 years ago when Brook was speaking at an event I attended. I knew instantly that Human Art was going to be important in my life. I introduced myself to Brook after the event and have been involved in Human Art ever since.

The greatest gift I have received from Human Art has been the permission to be “me”, exactly as I am and to accept others exactly as they are! The idea of everyone embracing that idea is so exciting to me.  I use the tools I have learned from this program in every aspect of my life—from being a better communicator to choosing the best puppy for our family.

 A little about me: I am the mother of 2 amazing children, who are by far the best thing I’ve done in my life and are now off doing exciting things with their lives! As a retired “helicopter” mom I am now member of the “empty nest” club! I have decided to embrace it and am in a discovery phase of life…finding what brings me joy.

”The person you have been is not the person you will remain. Think of this as both a challenge and a gift.” I have accepted that challenge and am doing my best to find the gift! So far on my journey I have re-discovered my love of snow skiing and found a great group of ladies to laugh with every Wednesday on the Mountain. I also reconnected with my husband, joining him in his favorite sport, snowmobiling. I have broken my foot hiking (it was awesome!), learned to wake board, become a student of life, ran a couple half marathons and found the love of my life, Hank, my vision impaired golden doodle (I really did consult Brook on his design). I am up for any adventure and have taken the words “I can’t” out of my vocabulary.  One of my most freeing moments was finally going through my closet and getting rid of all the clothes that I might fit in some day or just weren’t my design. 

 I have done none of this perfectly, but always with a smile on my face and Brook on speed dial!

 Human Art truly is a life changer and the best gift you can give yourself and those around you! Your life and perspective will forever be changed.

 I am so humbled to be joining the journey!

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Watch for the new “Ask Holli” link on the blog this week where you can reach out to her with your questions, concerns, or special requests and where she will post her own thoughts and responses to you! We know she looks forwarding to connecting with you!

Staying Out of the “Can Be’s”

Posted on by Brook Thornley

We all have what is known in Human Art as “can be’s.” “Can be’s” are our best traits turned negative. They are characterological defects; negative traits we are not born with but have picked up along the way. Our good traits usually turn into “can be’s” when we experience negative emotions, such as feeling insecure or inadequate. When this happens we take one of the best traits from our design and push it just a little too far. When we do that we run the risk of it becoming a “can be.” We call them “can be’s” because they are potential negative traits. It can be negative, but isn’t always. If you have the positive side of a trait from your design it does not mean you automatically have the negative side (or the “can be”). It just means there is potential to go into the negative side of that trait. The best part of a “can be” is it is only one step back and we are immediately on the positive side of the trait again.

Case in point. There is a girl in my neighborhood that I really admire. I had not seen her for a long time when I was shopping one day and ran into her. I was so excited to see her that, without realizing it, I used one of the best traits of the Whitened design to approach her (that trait is social: being able to enroll easily and being able to talk to just about anyone) and I’m afraid I took it too far and it turned into a “can be.”  In my excitement I caught myself going on and on about me (I am pretty sure I told her just about every accomplishment I have made since I was 2). As if things were not bad enough, I then proceeded to use a Saturated trait of being cool and collected and, through my embarrassment, managed to turn that into a “can be” and became cold and aloof.  I literally stopped mid-sentence, turned, and walked right out of the store. I went to my car and found myself with my head down on my steering wheel asking myself why I had felt the need to recite to her everything I had ever done.

Something about that situation must have made me feel uncomfortable early on in the encounter. If I was functioning in control of my emotions and had a do over, I would have simply just caught myself in my Whitened “can be” and said something like, “Hey I am talking about me and what I really wanted was to know about you… ” One step back. That’s all it would have taken to make that a positive thing again. I then could have moved one step back from the “can be” of aloof and used the Saturated trait of quiet dignity (people with a lot of Saturated are very naturally dignified) and calmed everything down. I don’t think I will ever forget that interaction. I still get embarrassed when I reflect back on it. If I dwell on it I tend to think about how I came across that day. Not my finest moment.

We all have moments of inadequacy, even if they are brief. It does not feel good. I know. That is when we have the most potential to go into our “can be’s.” And if we do, it truly is not necessary to stay there. Every person has a unique design. There are so many great and wonderful traits that accompany these unique designs. All we need to do is take that one step back into that good trait, or several of them. Understand that we all slip at times. It’s a human thing. Move forward with your authentic self.  It will turn things around.

Here are examples for each design. Find a few of your good traits and the potential “can be” for each design.

Saturated     Central Focus or Attractive Traits: quality, cool, and in control
Can Be: cold, aloof, and controlling

Whitened     Central Focus or Attractive Traits:  social, enrolling, can talk with ease
Can Be: talks too much, come across as obnoxious

Grayed         Central Focus or Attractive Trait: Meticulous and calm
Can Be: Over think, worry, and avoid

Blackened    Central Focus or Attractive Trait: Task oriented, just fix it, or resourceful
Can Be: Forceful and resourceful to a fault

There are many more but this is just to mention a few. Remember we all have all four designs we just usually lead out with one design or trait and its potential “can be.”

Let’s get rid of our “can be’s.” Focus on the authentic trait and stop beating ourselves up every time we fall in to a “can be.” Let’s just understand ourselves, pick up and move forward as fast as we can. Take that one step back to our authentic brilliance, our authentic design. And remember: everyone is a masterpiece.

The Colors We Crave

Posted on by Brook Thornley

What does it mean when we are drawn to color? We all crave color. That is one of the reasons we can have a big closet of clothes in front of us, and still say, “I have absolutely nothing to wear today.” Because whatever it is we crave may not be in our closet that day.

Each day we wake up and find ourselves in different circumstances and different moods. The color we desire to surround ourselves with in that circumstance usually ends up being the remedy for what we need emotionally and physically to forge forward with our tasks.

Case in point. On one particular day working at Human Art one of our employees was skeptical of this theory. We were discussing it and it made sense to her but, still needing to process it, she decided to go to lunch. When she returned she had in her hands a green soda drink, some bright green licorice, and a pack of green spearmint gum. The interesting thing about this lunch selection was she had purchased her food at a local meat market that also provides lunch. Not really the standard purchases when she usually went there. When she came back she said, “I don’t even know why I chose these items for lunch.” I explained that they were all green and explained the attributes that accompany that color. Green is healing and has the ability to refuel or revitalize you. It represents tranquility and order. Think of when you go to the mountains and walk or run or ride a bike; it feels like you can go forever. But when you come back to the city and the absence of the green it seems like sometimes you can only do a half a block. Because of the rejuvenation of the green while you’re in mountains you seem to have more energy and be able to go longer. As I explained this to the worker she related that was exactly the traits and attributes that she was craving that particular day. She was tired and really was craving some tranquility.

When you are craving a color and need to (and DO) surround yourself with it you are desiring the traits that color possesses. So think of what color you might be craving and the correlating activity that you might need in your life.

 

RED—PHYSICAL

When we crave red we are craving our authentic talents. Red is a grounding color. It helps put our feet back on the ground and allows us to move forward in the best way we know how. When we need red we usually need more physical activity in our lives.

 


ORANGE—SOCIAL

When we need orange we need more social experiences, or sometimes just more connections with people in the social events we are already part of. Orange can bring people together and help them interact in a more meaningful way.

 


YELLOW—LIBERATION 

When we crave yellow we are craving liberation and initiative. Yellow clears the cobwebs of confusion from our mind and allows us to break out in new and liberating ways. It is clarity. It is like the sun shining on a dark day. When we crave yellow we need to jump into activities and get going on them. Usually when we need yellow we lack initiative and just need a jump start.

 

 

GREEN—STRUCTURE

When we crave green we need peace and tranquility, but we also need structure. When we need green we usually need to [provide structure and organize our life. When things feel chaotic and uptight green is the answer. The task is usually organization or creation of structure the areas that we are in charge of.

 

BLUE—INTROSPECTION

When we crave blue we are craving introspection. It is time to sit down and think about what we need based on our own thoughts; our own connection and morals. We start with what is important to us; without somebody else telling or dictating to us what we need. Blue is intangible. We can’t control it; it is completely out of the box. It is like the sky or the ocean—free to think or move in whatever way it desires. Trying to control blue is like fencing in the ocean. You can try to but probably won’t be that successful.


VIOLET—AUTHENTIC SELF

Violet is how we express ourselves. It allows us to see things clearly and get in line with our true self and true convictions. It allows us to get back on track with our inherent qualities and talents. It opens us up to emotional creativity. 

 


INDIGO—LOVING YOURSELF

Indigo is when we crave our authentic self. We just need to be put back together at a cellular level. Indigo helps us see the beauty in ourselves, our surroundings and the life that we created. When we need indigo we need to go out and relate and work with and collaborate with people in the way we do it best. It’s like an infant when they are young they love who they are no matter what anyone else says or believes. They may have their hair a mess, a dirty diaper and food dripping down their belly, but you cannot convince them that they are not the most wonderful person on the planet just the way they are. Indigo takes us back to that.

 

 

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So look at the colors each day see what you crave and allow yourself to be exposed to that color and involved those types of activities that you need. Be true to who you are and think about what you need to be authentic. And remember: everyone is a masterpiece.

 

 

Two Steps to Loving Someone–Crossing all Borders

Posted on by Brook Thornley

2 Steps to Loving Someone

There are times when we will come across people in our lives that seem so different from us that we don’t know how we could ever get along with them, let alone love them. I am here to tell you that it is not only possible but can be a wonderful experience where you can create meaningful relationships you may have otherwise missed out on. It starts with just two steps:

1 – Love yourself. It is extremely difficult to love someone else until you really understand yourself and what your personal design looks like.
The components of loving yourself are….
-Know your authentic self and really understand your attractiveness
-Know all the traits and characteristics that come with your personal design
-Be able to support your attractiveness and preferences without anyone else having to sign off on it (support yourself)2. Celebrate the person you want to love. If you truly want to love them it is critical to begin with celebration.

2 – Celebrate the person you want to love.If you truly want to love them it is critical to begin with celebration.
You can start by…
-Learning their traits and characteristics
-Take the time to understand their design
-Know that opposites attract. While you will probably agree on some things, most things you will see differently
-Learn how to truly understand them while at the same time staying true to your design
-Slow down and listen

When learning to love someone social issues, race, culture, religion and many other issues can become a barrier in a new relationship. The truth is, sometimes they are hard to overcome! Luckily when I approach a new relationship I simply get to just concentrate on that person’s design and the equation of those two simple steps, initially.

Tommy and Brook

When I think of this equation, I think of one of my best friends in the whole wide world, Tommy Bassett. My husband and I adore him. He is truly a friend that I love and could not imagine my life without him.

I met Tommy in a salon one day, years ago. I had just started working there that day and just like any new day on the job, things were intense.  Everything was new to me and status quo to everyone else there. I saw him standing in the back room. Tommy intrigued me and I immediately fell in love with his design. He is the most amazing version of a Saturated-Grayed person with just enough Blackened to be as real and witty as the day is long (in our methodology that means authoritative and private, meticulous but very down to earth, initially introverted).

I, on the other hand, am Saturated and Whitened equally, with very little Grayed and fumes of Blackened. Authoritative and spontaneous (again, in our methodology that means clear thinker, yet very spontaneous and social, most of the time quite extroverted).

In other words, we are complete opposites!

Crossing All Borders
When you truly love yourself authentically for who you are, and celebrate and love the other person for who they are authentically it crosses all borders. The love you learn to have for a person’s authentic imprint knows no bounds!

Brook & Tommy presenting Human Art at the Global Hair Expo in Australia in 2008.

As time went on Tommy and I were able to work side by side and learn more about each other. We had many discussions about each other’s designs and their differences. He caught on to the theory of Human Art so quickly and before we knew it he was on tour with me. We were doing a lot in the fashion industry as far as designing trends based on a person’s design and personality. We had contracts with some major companies and found ourselves on stage everywhere from Las Vegas red carpet shows to European fashion week in Australia presenting hair trends. We also spent many hours in New York working.

We also found ourselves spending a lot of time learning how to be friends. We were both hair dressers, so we thought that was one thing we might have in common; but our approach to that was even sometimes different. It struck us as a little odd that the two of us who had nothing (literally nothing) in common could be such good friends. But our differences as far as social issues, religion, and sexual orientation didn’t come up as much as our designs did. We were so fully involved with celebrating our designs we forgot to spend the same amount of time on those differences.

After one particular event in St. George, Utah at the beautiful Green Valley Spa, we sat down and addressed the differences in an attempted to find one of these issues we had in common.

The contrast went as follows:
Brook                                                                        Tommy
Religious. I call myself a “Molly Mormon”                Loves general spirituality
I have a Traditional marriage                                    Different sexual orientation
15 years older.                                                          15 years younger
More Conservative than liberal                                More Liberal  than conservative

This is just to name a few…

It is important that when I describe these it is in no way to promote a particular cause or lifestyle or to make a stance. It is only to point out that you could not get two friends on more opposite ends of the spectrum. However, we were determined to find something we had in common. After a lot of discussion we found one thing we completely agreed on: we both really love almonds!

Most importantly, we were excited to realize that we could be so different, but by staying completely true to ourselves and at the same time truly celebrating each other’s opposite design and what that really meant (and still means today) we could cross all borders and have a true friendship that is so meaningful.

With that realization I was so happy to know it really does work. There we were, two totally different people, and yet such great friends. There it was, the one-two punch:
First, love yourself and your authentic design
Second, celebrate the other’s authentic self as well

I encourage you to take the time to truly understand yourself…Then forget yourself! Take equal time to celebrate the person you want to love. You may not end up with a friendship like mine and Tommy’s every time, but you will find a respect and appreciation for others that you may have missed before and you will both be better people because of it. I can promise you that.

Remember, everyone’s a masterpiece.

~Brook

What are your thoughts? Is there anyone you’ve had a similar experience with, or someone you’d like to try this with? We’d love to hear from you, leave a comment below!