Tag: can be’s

Have Some Compassion, Take a Break, and Step Back from the Can Be’s

We are all so busy at this time of year. We have events, parties, performances, and even just the weight of getting the right gifts for each other. As fun as the holiday season is, there can be some pressure. This is the time of year at Human Art we notice people getting down on themselves in small ways in which they feel they don’t measure up. As humans, anytime there is pressure and then we add comparison to the mix, that is a recipe for feeling inadequate. When there is pressure to perform in any way it causes us to reflect on where we might need more tools. It literally illuminates our lack of skills in any area. You could look at it with any amount of shame, but we also have the choice to see it as a moment of introspection–our brain doing inventory and helping us to see where we could add a skill or two to make us an even stronger functioning human. That is a gift if we navigate it in a healthy way.

One thing that I know for sure is that people are good.

Working with people on a daily basis and seeing so many different designs and personalities, it is so beautiful to see a common thread in all of us–that is the desire to do better for ourselves and for those around us. We all want to be healthy and we all desire healthy relationships at some level. It is an amazing thing to watch and, if you look closely, that process of fighting for those very things is an attractive desire that we all have in common. 

When we find ourselves feeling shame:

1. It is critical to have some self compassion.
Self compassion is your companion in this emotional journey to running in to any lack of skills, trial, or when trying to strengthen our character. Some people might feel some strong emotion at this point because they mistake step one of giving our self compassion as an easy out or a reason to not grow or develop more skills. That is not what I am referring to. We are not covering up our lack of skills with compassion, we are simply running our assessment of what skills we need to add to the ones we already have and bringing compassion along as a constant companion. It is the only way we can tolerate looking at our deprivation with out falling into the trap of shaming ourselves. When we experience shame, we know the process of healthy learning has considerably slowed down and navigating in a healthy way is constricted.

2. Take a break.
Take a break from the destructive thinking and turn it around to what’s possible. What is my desired skill? Where do I want to end up? What tool do I need? The break in step two is intended to slow things down, so we can think. It is not intended to stop abruptly, that could elicit discouragement. We simply want to slow our thoughts down and start to reason in a tolerant way. We want to focus on the desired skill, think of how we got here, or our story. Process it with compassion. Then focus on what we want. Find joy in the fact that we are growing, we are developing. Find anything we have done a little better and keep doing that. The worst thing we can do is speed up our expectations of results. That could launch us into pressure again and then we are back into the shame loop. Slow it down and keep a constant pace. It is the consistency that will help us obtain healthy skills, the very ones we desire. Most likely we will pick up some added unintended skills along the way as a bonus to our consistency.

3. Step back from the “can be”
Every design has a potential “Can Be.” It is when a positive trait goes out of its bounds and becomes a negative. The good news is that once this happens it is only one step back into turning it back into a positive trait again. All is never lost. The reason we call them “Can Be’s” is that just because you have a particular design or personality, it does not mean you automatically have the correlating “can be”, it just means there is potential to go into the “can be” when we feel inadequate or when we are in the shame cycle. It is important to properly asses traits and use them responsibly in this way of thinking. For example a trait like “discipline” is a positive trait, but if we overuse discipline, it goes out of its bounds and becomes rigid and controlling. If we slow things down and recognize we are out of its bounds, it is one step back to discipline.

Can Be’s and the Designs

Saturated

Trait Can Be
In Control Controlling
Cool Aloof
Clear Thinker Uncompromising

Whitened

Trait Can Be
Enrolling Over Enroll
Spontaneous Random
Child-like Unaccountable

Grayed

Trait Can Be
Meticulous Over-analyze
Detail-Oriented Avoidance
Conservative Disengage

Blackened

Trait Can Be
Fix-it mentality Forceful
Resourceful Resourceful to a fault
Honest Abrupt

The examples of the “can be’s” will be helpful in our focus of obtaining more skills of healthy living and interacting. When we feel our self functioning in a “can be”, pause and step back into its positive and immediately move on. Don’t dwell on the “can be”, just recognize it and step away from it. It will get easier to recognize when you are going into the “can be” over time if you are continuously paying attention to it. Keeping a steady pace in this type of development leaves us with hope.

That leads us back to our focus. Stay focused one this 1,2,3 process and stay out of shame as we are navigating any time of year or season in our journey through this wonderful life. When we find ourselves feeling pressure, any type of pressure to perform, remember you have the basic human right to develop, to become better, to evolve and to your own process and journey. Don’t fall into the shame and comparison trap. I promise it will get you nowhere. Love your personality, celebrate others, and focus on where you want to end up. Have compassion for how you have gotten this far. I personally love the journey and I adore the human race.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Staying Out of the “Can Be’s”

We all have what is known in Human Art as “can be’s.” “Can be’s” are our best traits turned negative. They are characterological defects; negative traits we are not born with but have picked up along the way. Our good traits usually turn into “can be’s” when we experience negative emotions, such as feeling insecure or inadequate. When this happens we take one of the best traits from our design and push it just a little too far. When we do that we run the risk of it becoming a “can be.” We call them “can be’s” because they are potential negative traits. It can be negative, but isn’t always. If you have the positive side of a trait from your design it does not mean you automatically have the negative side (or the “can be”). It just means there is potential to go into the negative side of that trait. The best part of a “can be” is it is only one step back and we are immediately on the positive side of the trait again.

Case in point. There is a girl in my neighborhood that I really admire. I had not seen her for a long time when I was shopping one day and ran into her. I was so excited to see her that, without realizing it, I used one of the best traits of the Whitened design to approach her (that trait is social: being able to enroll easily and being able to talk to just about anyone) and I’m afraid I took it too far and it turned into a “can be.”  In my excitement I caught myself going on and on about me (I am pretty sure I told her just about every accomplishment I have made since I was 2). As if things were not bad enough, I then proceeded to use a Saturated trait of being cool and collected and, through my embarrassment, managed to turn that into a “can be” and became cold and aloof.  I literally stopped mid-sentence, turned, and walked right out of the store. I went to my car and found myself with my head down on my steering wheel asking myself why I had felt the need to recite to her everything I had ever done.

Something about that situation must have made me feel uncomfortable early on in the encounter. If I was functioning in control of my emotions and had a do over, I would have simply just caught myself in my Whitened “can be” and said something like, “Hey I am talking about me and what I really wanted was to know about you… ” One step back. That’s all it would have taken to make that a positive thing again. I then could have moved one step back from the “can be” of aloof and used the Saturated trait of quiet dignity (people with a lot of Saturated are very naturally dignified) and calmed everything down. I don’t think I will ever forget that interaction. I still get embarrassed when I reflect back on it. If I dwell on it I tend to think about how I came across that day. Not my finest moment.

We all have moments of inadequacy, even if they are brief. It does not feel good. I know. That is when we have the most potential to go into our “can be’s.” And if we do, it truly is not necessary to stay there. Every person has a unique design. There are so many great and wonderful traits that accompany these unique designs. All we need to do is take that one step back into that good trait, or several of them. Understand that we all slip at times. It’s a human thing. Move forward with your authentic self.  It will turn things around.

Here are examples for each design. Find a few of your good traits and the potential “can be” for each design.

Saturated     Central Focus or Attractive Traits: quality, cool, and in control
Can Be: cold, aloof, and controlling

Whitened     Central Focus or Attractive Traits:  social, enrolling, can talk with ease
Can Be: talks too much, come across as obnoxious

Grayed         Central Focus or Attractive Trait: Meticulous and calm
Can Be: Over think, worry, and avoid

Blackened    Central Focus or Attractive Trait: Task oriented, just fix it, or resourceful
Can Be: Forceful and resourceful to a fault

There are many more but this is just to mention a few. Remember we all have all four designs we just usually lead out with one design or trait and its potential “can be.”

Let’s get rid of our “can be’s.” Focus on the authentic trait and stop beating ourselves up every time we fall in to a “can be.” Let’s just understand ourselves, pick up and move forward as fast as we can. Take that one step back to our authentic brilliance, our authentic design. And remember: everyone is a masterpiece.