If we can, it is a good idea to find a way to stop self-doubt right when it starts to hit us. If we can do that, we can prevent a good deal of worry or possible anxiety. If we let self-doubt take hold, it can spin off to many different forms of doubt. It’s like finding a bees nest and, instead of containing it, just cracking it open and all of the bees are released and start swarming. Imagine our self-doubt as the bees. Once we crack that open and let it take hold it can have a similar result. If we just step back and change the channel at the first hint of self-doubt, it could be very healing and can change our thought process, for that moment at least.
One skill that could help us make that change is to find something to focus on that is happening right now. Changing our channel from self-doubt and worry to curiosity and just watching what will happen next. We can use anything to divert our attention from the worry of self-doubt; something as simple as the temperature outside, hearing a conversation live, watching a person making a meal to see what ingredient is next and how it affects the outcome of the dish. It is just a skill to change the channel in our brain to a different channel of curiosity in the moment.
In early childhood development we can see this dynamic played out almost daily. I love to listen to our clinical team teach this process. I watch a child that is frustrated because they are feeling self-doubt. The self-doubt can come from so many places. It could be doubt because a sibling is getting some attention so they may doubt their importance to a caregiver, it could be they can’t complete a task, or even when they need to share and they don’t have the emotional stamina to be able to tolerate giving up something they want for themselves. Regardless of the circumstances, what is obvious is that the child is doubting themselves. They might not always be able to verbalize it, but they certainly are feeling it.
This is the point they may act out due to their confusion. Those of us around them tend to bite on their behavior without discovering what is happening to them emotionally. As the team is teaching us to watch for that first sign of self-doubt, I can see it; as I learn to intervene by changing the channel and guiding their attention to something else, they literally slide right out of self-doubt and back into healthy interactions. In older children we can then learn to teach the consequence after the channel is changed. In younger children, it seems to be enough to get them to a healthier channel and back in the moment.
This is true for adults as well. Although it is not as infantile, it still shows up. You can see it when they are experiencing a high amount of self-doubt. The “bees nest” so to speak is opened and the swarm of worry starts. That is the exact point we need to change the channel and find something that is happening now, live, playing out right in front of us so we are curious and we are calming down. This puts us back in a neutral place so we are able to use our best thinking instead of infantile survival systems.
Here is an example:
A three-year-old experiences the feeling of being a big brother in the family unit. He is excited and you can see his efficacy grow. He goes to the hospital with his “Big Brother” t-shirt on and gets great amounts of positive attention for being such a good big brother. As his grandparents parade him through the hall of the hospital, he walks proud and puffed up, all ready for this grand adventure, to meet his little brother. He is excited when he sees the new addition to the family, and it punctuates his new role. He is careful and is attentive to the needs of his little brother and feeling very important in the new family dynamic.
A few days later, at the house when the family is home and settling in, the three-year-old notices just how much attention the baby is getting and you can see that first prick of self-doubt. Not even understanding what is happening and why, the swarm hits him. His best system at this point is to react with negative behavior. It is his best communication at the time. He starts to pitch a fit over nothing and the healthy parents see those first signs of self-doubt. Wisely, they change the channel. They ask the three-year-old to come put some ingredients in the bowl for the dinner they are making. There it is. Just simply defusing the self-doubt and bringing the child into something that is playing out in the moment. This moved the child into curiosity and in that state he was able to ask the parent, “am I still important?” The parent then follows the child into whatever conversation is appropriate for his age.
This month we are looking at what self-doubt looks like in each design. This week we will focus on the Grayed design.
In the rapprochement model we know that when a Grayed person gets overwhelmed it is usually due to the fact that they cannot work out the details of something and they move to avoidance; or it could possibly be that they don’t relate to confrontation and they see one coming for them. In these situations, they can experience a great amount of self-doubt that hits them all at once. It is at this time that they feel it, but keep in mind it has been brewing for some time and it is just in this particular moment they realize it has gotten out of hand. Up until this point, they have likely moved to avoid it. We know that they need all the details—what could be, and at what time, and where to be before, and then what will happen, etc.—and if they can’t get them they feel lost. Not knowing all the details can make them feel insecure and overwhelmed, which leads to self-doubt. They also need time to process, so that could be another reason they feel overwhelmed or rushed.
One challenge with the Grayed design is that all of this emotion is processed on the inside. They are having strong emotion, but on the outside they look rather unaffected. You cannot always read them, and they keep some of the details inside. When a Grayed person gets to this point, it plays out something like this in their head. “Well, when I last thought about this it just overwhelmed me. I tried to see where others were coming from, but I am having a hard time expressing how upset I am. I wish they could just read my mind and then they would respond in a way that I might find relief. And now that I’m thinking of it, the fact that they can’t see that about me makes me feel ever more upset…”
Here is an example. A husband and wife were driving in the car. The husband was worried about his birthday coming up because he has a hard time picking a place to celebrate where everyone can enjoy themselves. Each year this conflict comes up and no matter where he picks for his celebration, someone is not happy. He hates the confrontation of that. The wife, not knowing this is going on in his head, says to him, “oh hey your parents called and they want to know where you would like to go to celebrate your birthday coming up?” The Grayed husband says, “hmm..” then 5 minutes of silence goes by before he replies, “yes that sounds great.” The wife is left confused and wondering where she got lost. The husband is wondering why she looks so confused.
If we could plug into the Grayed husband’s thought process, it would sound something like, “Oh I have been thinking about this all year. I have been researching places and I found this one with a lot of different choices. It will give everyone options and I love one particular spot myself, so we all win. I am so excited this year because I think this is just the place. Yes, that sounds great.”
The problem is that a Grayed person does not always know when they are going in and out of the conversation. They are so focused on the details they lose track of whether they are processing inside or if they are actually engaged in conversation. They can really think sometimes they are bringing people along. That was the case with this husband that is so Grayed. The wife, being in a secure place, was able to follow him and simply say, “you just said hum…followed by 5 min of silence then you stated Yes that sounds great.” The Grayed husband was shocked that he had only said those few words out loud. They both had a good laugh and it didn’t turn into an argument, leaving them both in a place to validate and find relief.
If you are high in the Grayed design, stay engaged and bring people along. It is much easier to tell someone that you are feeling uneasy about something and then bring them along each step as you work it out, rather than avoid it all together and then have to deal with a confrontation in the end. It will serve you and it will serve those around you.
Keep focused on one of the hallmarks of your design—your ability to point out details that the rest of us might not of thought of. It helps us consider other possibilities. It helps us expand how we look at things, relationships, and situations. It helps us grow if you stay in the conversation. Remember, you have a sensitivity that is unique and very powerful. It provides empathy and calm when things feel out of control, if used in healthy ways. Try not to think past things. Stay in the moment, and if you find yourself experiencing self-doubt, jump back in and find more details, using your healthy curiosity and discovery.
Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.
Brook
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Who Am I Supposed to Be? Overcoming Self Doubt (Week 1-Saturated)
Who Am I Supposed to Be? Overcoming Self Doubt (Week 2-Whitened)