Tag: dynamics

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Grayed Design

Posted on July 22, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When you are learning to recognize the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” dynamics in your life or with one or two people around you, I believe we all have the desire to move into a healthier space. Moving out, however, can feel overwhelming, so the tendency is to avoid that action all together. This has potential to lead us to more hopelessness and feeling stuck. Remember that you can move one step at a time. Start to unpack these kinds of relationships, and with each new bit of information just take a little step forward. If you are moving and growing (even if it is slow) you are still on the right track. There is no one behind you with a stopwatch when it comes to discovering new things about yourself and growing (if there is then that could be a problem and is possibly the first place to start unpacking). Each person’s pace and timing on the way to learning how to prosper is as individual as each person is themselves.

What does prosper look like?

GRAYED

For someone who is high in the Grayed design, to prosper is to experience things. It’s all about the journey, and what dictates if the journey is prosperous or successful lies all in the details. Good or bad, they love to dissect and analyze them. It is where the joy and learning lives. The fuel is time. They need time to process the details so they get the most out of every experience that they possibly can. They love to slow down and look ahead to see all the possibilities and contingencies. It is a Grayed person’s playground and it is meticulous and refined.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic the main character or Grayed person seems to quickly buy into the projective identity that they are too slow—that is the hook. You would think it would be more complex, but in most cases it isn’t. The controller just has to keep throwing out that storyline and point out all of the times that Grayed person has taken too long. All the controlling person has to do is cast that out there and if the Grayed character bites on it then they themselves will complicate it by adding all of the details and contingencies. The controlling person can now just sit back and watch them swirl. If the Grayed person starts to analyze in a healthy way, the controlling person will quickly recast another line out full of examples of how they are taking too much time. They will sometimes say it is unnatural.

The” can be” of the Grayed design is that they can overthink, get overwhelmed, and then avoid. That is dangerous because they tend to shut down and lose their curiosity; it’s as if they leave their post and the controller is now present to do whatever damage they want with no one there to neutralize those hits.

If a Grayed person is at a point where they want to navigate the “Once Upon a Time” dynamic in a healthy way and turn it into their own “happily ever after,” the best thing is to start with listening in the very meticulous ways that the Grayed design is known for. Use your discovery first and when you hear repeated statements that seem peppered or harsh, like, “you think too much,” “You overthink things,” or something else to that effect, that might be the best place to start. You can analyze those relationships. The next step is to engage in conversations. Start by simply asking questions and then looking for open-ended answers that can lead to a healthy conversation. Then that is when you support yourself in asking for what you need. If you need more time, negotiate for it. If you need more answers, ask for help. When someone tells you that you are slow, tell them you are meticulous and ask if they have a specific time in which they need an answer. All these will get you back into your authenticity. Most importantly, stay engaged in finding that healthy place, and then support yourself by staying there.

The Grayed “can be” to get overwhelmed can be a barrier—don’t let it be. If you feel overwhelmed, break down what is overwhelming you personally first, then make a plan for that. If you try and complicate it with what is overwhelming others when you are trying to get your answers it will get you in a place where you spin out because you can’t connect it all. Just make your connections first, then from that healthy place help solve the others. Just stay engaged at all costs. I mean stay engaged in your process and protect it.

One of the best things that the Grayed design offers is your ability to stay calm. Because you tend to be understated and conservative you don’t make bold moves all the time. Most the time you are constant and methodical and that brings a calmness to a room, a conversation, or task. Stay in that value and don’t let anyone convince you that you are not those things. Think about healthy things because your design tends to process what you are focused on.

You deserve your process. You deserve your authentic route. We all do, because everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Whitened Design

Posted on July 15, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Learning about this “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” as we have in the last few weeks is very important to inviting healthy relationships into our lives. Being able to recognize this dynamic in any relationship is as important as recognizing physical systems when we are sick with any physical ailment. When we are not aware of it we run the risk of dismissing it when really we are right in the crossfires of this dynamic. As far as I can see, as long as we can name these dynamics for what they are we are in a much better place to prosper in all aspects of life because we can side-step the unhealthy connection in any relationship.

What does prosper look like?

WHITENED

For the Whitened design, whether or not you prosper is based on how the people around you are interacting and enrolling in any relationship, conversation, or task. They are good at noticing what people like and dislike and they are good at anticipating the needs of others. They pull all of this off in a light and free manner that tends to be nonthreatening. It is part of their charm.

In the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” a controlling person will see these Whitened traits and will prey upon the fact that the Whitened person loves to please and it is important to them that those who they interact with are reasonably happy and comfortable. If that controlling person expresses that they are not happy, it can weigh on the Whitened person. To the degree of the Whitened design in the person is equal to the degree it will weigh on them and also dictates the degree that will act on it. If they cannot come to a reasonable resolution it has a high potential to create hopelessness.

The Projective Identity put on the Whitened person by the controlling person now looks something like a criticism that leads back to a narrative that the Whitened person is careless and not paying attention. The components of the narrative are designed to make the Whitened person feel as if they created this and that they displease others with their carelessness; the controlling person will sometimes go as far as to make the Whitened person feel like they are out of line in some way for putting that much thought and attention into caring about what others think. The Whitened is led to believe that their spontaneity is elaborate and that they are actually irresponsible and illogical for thinking and behaving this way. That is where dominance begins because the controlling person will flood the Whitened person with examples of how responsible and logical they are, and they seem to make it fun and enjoyable. They can go so far as to sell the idea that they please people more than the Whitened does and then the Whitened is now dependent on them not only to deem them OK, but to show them the way back.

Once the Whitened person is in this place of fear, they run the risk of showing up in their “can be.” The can be of the Whitened is they can over-enroll, so it now becomes more evidence and ammunition for the controller in their dynamic to drive them further into believing the narrative.

We have a client that is Whitened. This client values being social and celebrating others. They love to interact with others. They have a keen sense of when someone wants to interact with them and when someone just wants space, and either one is fine with this client. They started out very secure.

They have an insecure person in their family. When the insecure person is not doing well socially and doesn’t seem to be getting what they want, they turn directly to this Whitened person and start accusing them of not being able to show up for people in healthy ways. They will go as far as to convince them that people don’t really like them and their Whitened ways are irritating others. As soon as this comes up, the Whitened person “gets hopping” meaning gets busy to please people more. The more they try, the more this other insecure person brings up evidence of their illogical carelessness that is annoying others. Classic projection!!!

The best way for the Whitened person to navigate their way back to a healthy “Once Upon a Time” and find their version of a “Happily Ever After” is to define happiness for themselves and plant themselves right in that spot. If you are happy and feel good and you add that to respecting others needs, you will navigate yourself right back to that secure place where it will not be as threatening if others are not pleased and happy. You can remain calm and lighthearted even when others are not. If you find yourself in a situation where those around you need space, honor that, but meet your own self care needs in healthy ways. Anticipate your needs and act on them. It’s not selfish because the Whitened person’s attention will quickly be directed to others as soon as someone else comes along. In fact, that secure calmness that you emulate will be a great source of security for yourself and those interacting with you. It is contagious.

I have seen it time and time again, if you decide you want to prosper in any aspect of life, going back to your authentic way of doing things will always lead you to your hopes and dreams. They might take a detour, but if you are true to who you are and what your design and personality is, you will find ways to enjoy the ride while you are being redirected. Stay in your lane and navigate it in a way only you can. Everyone deserves that, and everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time “: How to Prosper in the Saturated Design

Posted on July 9, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

In the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” we talk a lot about the beginning of any journey. We talk about how to learn more about ourselves and love our self so we can relate to others in healthy ways. We talk about how important our beliefs about our self and who we are can be. They can determine whether or not we are controlled in relationships and whether or not we can leave behind unhealthy dynamics. Add all this up and it really has the potential to determine whether or not we are going to prosper in our hopes and dreams.

What does prosper look like for each design? Each week we will look at one design to see what this looks like for them.

SATURATED

For the Saturated design, whether or not we prosper is determined by what that Saturated person deems will hit the mark for them. It is the one or two things that they keep focused on in any dream. They keep that in their sights and they stay focused.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic, where the main character believes what the controlling person in their life has projected on them, the damage is done when it destroys the order around them and the definition of the order of their dreams. Order to someone high in the Saturated design is key, it is like the air they breathe. They thrive when everything is in its prospective place. If you take that order away or more importantly, pervert it, it can have devastating effects on someone that is Saturated. The degree of their Saturated design is equal to the degree of the devastation they will experience. This is the seed of their hopelessness. That hopelessness will now become the main character in their story and everything is organized around that. The fear infused into that narrative is their fuel. All bets are off and they are literally driven by fear.

The projective identity is placed on the Saturated person when the controlling person redefines order and what it looks like in this narrative. They don’t go directly at the Saturated person’s character because that design tends to have a lot of confidence. The dominating person seems to sense this, so they get busy redefining order and what it really looks like. They also add the extra flattering narrative for themselves of how good they are at this new kind of order (defined by them) and they move forward with a false self that appears even more confident than the legitimate and authentic confidence of the Saturated design. This is the hook. The Saturated person is left in self-doubt and that is when they start to consider that the egoic, projected, made up form of order is true. As time goes on and more hits come, they believe it more and more—and those roads all lead to hopelessness for a Saturated person.

The” can be” of the Saturated design plays a role here because they see things in an “all or nothing way.” They move from the confidence of the “all” or “all in” to the helplessness, avoidance, and shut down of the “nothing”, so they tend to feel and do “nothing.”

If you are Saturated, the best way to navigate your way out of this unhealthy version of the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” is to learn about and change the dynamics we talked about last week to move into the new and healthy “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” or starting place. It will lead to “happily ever after” kind of success. The next step is to throw out the narrative. Use that clear-thinking part of you that you already are familiar with and put your sights on whatever gives you clarity. It usually comes in the form of a declaration. Something like, “I can do this, or I’m competent, or I have dignity…” Focus on that one thing and go. Remember that your opinion of yourself in the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” is the only one that counts in this point of your journey. Others will come later when you are healthy. You are the one to define order for yourself and then support yourself in it. It’s not selfish, it’s appropriate. It’s what is needed now. Stamp the statement and the meaning that goes with that declaration in your mind, apply it in your life and all around you. The third thing is to remember to move back to your authenticity. It is full of your values and preferences and defines what makes you feel safe. That will give you the personal power you need to navigate life.

I promise that if you want to prosper in anything, you need to know your authenticity and be able to support yourself enough to use it. Keep in mind that to prosper means to add resources to our life, to add meaning to our life, to obtain dreams, and to meet personal goals that lead to our dreams. The other part of prosper is to enjoy it when you do. It is to be grateful for it and to sit back and watch just how lucky you are to be on your own path and playing out the movie of your life, and not someone else’s script for you.

You are worth it, because everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Relationship Dynamics: How to Get Rid of Hopelessness

Posted on October 20, 2015May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

It feels so good to be blogging again. Sometimes Human Art requires our attention elsewhere, but being this is one of my favorite things to do, I am glad to be blogging today.

With that said, one of the tasks that we spend a considerable amount of time with is with families; giving them information that helps with family dynamics (or any relationship for that matter). In every case we find one thing that is all too familiar: It takes time to build new skills when it comes to relationships, but it takes no time at all for a destructive dynamic to rip progress apart and sometimes we feel like we are right back where we started from. That can be a hopeless feeling.

Hopelessness looks different for each design. If a specific dynamic in each design falls apart, that can bring a feeling of hopelessness to the relationship from that person’s perspective. The Saturated design needs clarity in dynamics, Whitened needs enrolling availability, Grayed needs deep connections, and Blackened needs their expectations to be met. You can see that each person’s need in the dynamic is different, so it has a different version of hopelessness and therefore is often misunderstood because it is not the same version of the other person’s hopelessness. It has potential to get complicated. But it doesn’t have to. Just remember in building a relationship don’t destroy the progress you’ve already made. Honor the other’s needs in a dynamic. After all most of the time when we are upset we are reacting to a dynamic, not the person themselves. We love the people we choose to be in relationships with. We sometimes get frustrated with the dynamic.

Three Things to Clear out of Dynamics in a Relationship

Hijacking and Overriding. Hijacking is an external punishment designed to take control or stop dynamics but is destructive. Examples would be temper tantrums, intimidation, aggression, or drama. Overriding is avoiding or withholding. Minimizing a dynamic and pretending it isn’t there or just stepping right over it. It is designed to avoid and excuse oneself from taking responsibility.
Emotional personality. We have an authentic personality that includes our autonomy, our development, and our skills in a relationship. An emotional personality is developed when we feel overwhelmed and our authentic needs in a dynamic are not being met. It has its own set of skills and talents that are usually nothing like our authentic personality and are very destructive, like anger or harshness to name a few. The trick is to minimize our emotional and destructive personality (it is not who we are) and maximize our authentic personality in relationship dynamics.
Get rid of Harshness and Add Compassion. We have equal compassion for ourselves and the person we are in a relationship with. No one gets more or less. We can have compassion for the other person and see why a dynamic is hard for them and have equal compassion for oneself and understand why they might be struggling also.

So take a little inventory. What are the dynamics in your family? What are the authentic needs? What can we clean out to avoid hopelessness? Remember, if someone you love is overwhelming you it is possible it is a dynamic. Make it easier by using your authentic strengths and a little compassion and you can tackle the dynamic. If you do, you will know you have done your best. That provides an opportunity for others to do the same. It will strengthen your confidence in relationships. And always, always remember: everyone is a masterpiece!