Tag: once upon a time

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Blackened Design

Posted on August 12, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We have talked a lot about what the “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic looks like and why it is important to recognize it. We have already spent a lot of time on the dynamics of it so you can become familiar with it, so I ‘m going to veer off-script a little and focus in on one component that is present in this “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic and also in the prosper and success part of it. The component I’m talking about is information—how it is used to create a dynamic and how it is used to take it back to a healthy place. The reason I am doing it in this week’s blog is because we are going to focus on the Blackened design, so it seems fitting.

Information and how it is used is an important piece of the “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic. If someone is to create a projection for you then how they get and use information determines whether they can cause a narrative to stick or not. The Blackened design is all about being real, and they have an “it is what it is” attitude; this is what leads them to be so honest about things and call it for what it is. Keeping that truth is critical if you want a healthy outcome. If you let information be used in unhealthy ways then you will get the opposite—reactivity and a lot of emotions will become involved.

Information used in an unhealthy way is what we refer to commonly as gossip. The interesting thing about gossip is it is loyal only to the unhealthy narrative. It is not loyal to the truth of things. If someone is controlling or dominating, they collect information that serves or rings true to the narrative. They will then use that information to support a projection and fact stack against the person it is directed to until the narrative seems to be true. It is done until the narrative sticks; it is designed to get you or others to believe it. It has no curiosity, the projection is designed only to support the unhealthy story line that the controller wants so they can get their way. The controlling person in the dynamic is only interested in information that supports the narrative of the person they are projecting onto so they only give approval to those who spread or serve up information that supports the narrative.

Healthy people want the truth. They are curious, so they like to look at all sides of things so they can make a healthy and integrated statement about the truth. A person who is high in Blackened values honesty, so it is important for that Blackened person to make sure it is the healthy truth and not the truth according to an unhealthy narrative that has been set in motion to control someone or an outcome. They want to make sure it will lead to prosperity for the Blackened person and those they like to protect.

What does prosper look like?

Blackened

For someone who is high in the Blackened design, to prosper is to fix. That is the bottom line to them. If something is wrong, they want a solution. The first thing they will do when they see that something is broken is want to know what happened—how did it break, or was it always this way? They don’t want to analyze the story, they just want the why, the how, and the what, in order to determine how it will lead to a solution. To a person that is Blackened this is the very way in which they protect those around them. It is how they care for people. It is like a first responder; they have to leave emotions at the door for a moment and move into a logical place so they can do the hard things that need to be done to protect. They will eventually let the emotions in, it will just be after the fix.

In the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic, a controlling person will start a narrative for them that because they show no emotion in those times, they are cold. Because the Blackened person rejects drama in the crisis, they don’t care and are emotionally stunted. That is the hook—as the Blackened person is still moving to fix or protect, they are riddled with self-doubt and the controller in the story is a bystander happy to throw around labels about how feelingless and primitive the Blackened person is. All the while the controlling person is on the sidelines working the crowd, telling everyone in their sights just how empathetic and emotionally advanced they are. So much so that they can hardly stand this awful situation. This then directs the attention and help to the controller, leaving the Blackened person alone to carry the weight of the crisis themselves. This can lead to isolation and a version of social shutdown.

The “can be” of the Blackened design is they can get forceful and resourceful to a fault. To the degree the Blackened person believes a narrative is equal to the degree they show up in these can be’s. This has high potential to make an unhealthy narrative of being void of emotion look like it could, in fact, be true.

If a Blackened person is at a point where they want to navigate a healthy “Once Upon A Time” Dynamic and turn it into their happily ever after, the best way to start is to communicate what those feelings or emotions will be, when they are past the fix or crisis, so those around them see both sides of the story—the logic and empathy. It would sound something like, “I can see that you are all scared, I’m going to fix this and then we will all talk about how scared we are. For now, let me do my job.” When the controlling people around you start to throw out those unhealthy adjectives from their desired narrative, correct them while you are working and protecting. When they say you are forceful, you follow up with, “I’m just strong.” When they say you are too resourceful, you say “I’m protecting our resources.” Then anyone can negotiate a situation from there.

One of the best things about the Blackened design is that they relate to realness and honesty. It is the hallmark of the Blackened design and it is the beauty of your authenticity. So start there. You can make anyone feel secure just through your actions. When they see your desire to fix, it makes us all feel more stable. Communicate your intentions as you go. It seems so obvious to you what you are doing when you move to fix things, but it is not as obvious to the other designs. The higher you are in the Blackened design the more you don’t enjoy analyzing the dramatic nature of situations. That is what makes you so real, so reassuring, and so secure. Your authentic strength starts from that place. Love it, live it, and celebrate it, and then celebrate others. You deserve it and others do too, because everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Grayed Design

Posted on July 22, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When you are learning to recognize the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” dynamics in your life or with one or two people around you, I believe we all have the desire to move into a healthier space. Moving out, however, can feel overwhelming, so the tendency is to avoid that action all together. This has potential to lead us to more hopelessness and feeling stuck. Remember that you can move one step at a time. Start to unpack these kinds of relationships, and with each new bit of information just take a little step forward. If you are moving and growing (even if it is slow) you are still on the right track. There is no one behind you with a stopwatch when it comes to discovering new things about yourself and growing (if there is then that could be a problem and is possibly the first place to start unpacking). Each person’s pace and timing on the way to learning how to prosper is as individual as each person is themselves.

What does prosper look like?

GRAYED

For someone who is high in the Grayed design, to prosper is to experience things. It’s all about the journey, and what dictates if the journey is prosperous or successful lies all in the details. Good or bad, they love to dissect and analyze them. It is where the joy and learning lives. The fuel is time. They need time to process the details so they get the most out of every experience that they possibly can. They love to slow down and look ahead to see all the possibilities and contingencies. It is a Grayed person’s playground and it is meticulous and refined.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic the main character or Grayed person seems to quickly buy into the projective identity that they are too slow—that is the hook. You would think it would be more complex, but in most cases it isn’t. The controller just has to keep throwing out that storyline and point out all of the times that Grayed person has taken too long. All the controlling person has to do is cast that out there and if the Grayed character bites on it then they themselves will complicate it by adding all of the details and contingencies. The controlling person can now just sit back and watch them swirl. If the Grayed person starts to analyze in a healthy way, the controlling person will quickly recast another line out full of examples of how they are taking too much time. They will sometimes say it is unnatural.

The” can be” of the Grayed design is that they can overthink, get overwhelmed, and then avoid. That is dangerous because they tend to shut down and lose their curiosity; it’s as if they leave their post and the controller is now present to do whatever damage they want with no one there to neutralize those hits.

If a Grayed person is at a point where they want to navigate the “Once Upon a Time” dynamic in a healthy way and turn it into their own “happily ever after,” the best thing is to start with listening in the very meticulous ways that the Grayed design is known for. Use your discovery first and when you hear repeated statements that seem peppered or harsh, like, “you think too much,” “You overthink things,” or something else to that effect, that might be the best place to start. You can analyze those relationships. The next step is to engage in conversations. Start by simply asking questions and then looking for open-ended answers that can lead to a healthy conversation. Then that is when you support yourself in asking for what you need. If you need more time, negotiate for it. If you need more answers, ask for help. When someone tells you that you are slow, tell them you are meticulous and ask if they have a specific time in which they need an answer. All these will get you back into your authenticity. Most importantly, stay engaged in finding that healthy place, and then support yourself by staying there.

The Grayed “can be” to get overwhelmed can be a barrier—don’t let it be. If you feel overwhelmed, break down what is overwhelming you personally first, then make a plan for that. If you try and complicate it with what is overwhelming others when you are trying to get your answers it will get you in a place where you spin out because you can’t connect it all. Just make your connections first, then from that healthy place help solve the others. Just stay engaged at all costs. I mean stay engaged in your process and protect it.

One of the best things that the Grayed design offers is your ability to stay calm. Because you tend to be understated and conservative you don’t make bold moves all the time. Most the time you are constant and methodical and that brings a calmness to a room, a conversation, or task. Stay in that value and don’t let anyone convince you that you are not those things. Think about healthy things because your design tends to process what you are focused on.

You deserve your process. You deserve your authentic route. We all do, because everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Whitened Design

Posted on July 15, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Learning about this “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” as we have in the last few weeks is very important to inviting healthy relationships into our lives. Being able to recognize this dynamic in any relationship is as important as recognizing physical systems when we are sick with any physical ailment. When we are not aware of it we run the risk of dismissing it when really we are right in the crossfires of this dynamic. As far as I can see, as long as we can name these dynamics for what they are we are in a much better place to prosper in all aspects of life because we can side-step the unhealthy connection in any relationship.

What does prosper look like?

WHITENED

For the Whitened design, whether or not you prosper is based on how the people around you are interacting and enrolling in any relationship, conversation, or task. They are good at noticing what people like and dislike and they are good at anticipating the needs of others. They pull all of this off in a light and free manner that tends to be nonthreatening. It is part of their charm.

In the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” a controlling person will see these Whitened traits and will prey upon the fact that the Whitened person loves to please and it is important to them that those who they interact with are reasonably happy and comfortable. If that controlling person expresses that they are not happy, it can weigh on the Whitened person. To the degree of the Whitened design in the person is equal to the degree it will weigh on them and also dictates the degree that will act on it. If they cannot come to a reasonable resolution it has a high potential to create hopelessness.

The Projective Identity put on the Whitened person by the controlling person now looks something like a criticism that leads back to a narrative that the Whitened person is careless and not paying attention. The components of the narrative are designed to make the Whitened person feel as if they created this and that they displease others with their carelessness; the controlling person will sometimes go as far as to make the Whitened person feel like they are out of line in some way for putting that much thought and attention into caring about what others think. The Whitened is led to believe that their spontaneity is elaborate and that they are actually irresponsible and illogical for thinking and behaving this way. That is where dominance begins because the controlling person will flood the Whitened person with examples of how responsible and logical they are, and they seem to make it fun and enjoyable. They can go so far as to sell the idea that they please people more than the Whitened does and then the Whitened is now dependent on them not only to deem them OK, but to show them the way back.

Once the Whitened person is in this place of fear, they run the risk of showing up in their “can be.” The can be of the Whitened is they can over-enroll, so it now becomes more evidence and ammunition for the controller in their dynamic to drive them further into believing the narrative.

We have a client that is Whitened. This client values being social and celebrating others. They love to interact with others. They have a keen sense of when someone wants to interact with them and when someone just wants space, and either one is fine with this client. They started out very secure.

They have an insecure person in their family. When the insecure person is not doing well socially and doesn’t seem to be getting what they want, they turn directly to this Whitened person and start accusing them of not being able to show up for people in healthy ways. They will go as far as to convince them that people don’t really like them and their Whitened ways are irritating others. As soon as this comes up, the Whitened person “gets hopping” meaning gets busy to please people more. The more they try, the more this other insecure person brings up evidence of their illogical carelessness that is annoying others. Classic projection!!!

The best way for the Whitened person to navigate their way back to a healthy “Once Upon a Time” and find their version of a “Happily Ever After” is to define happiness for themselves and plant themselves right in that spot. If you are happy and feel good and you add that to respecting others needs, you will navigate yourself right back to that secure place where it will not be as threatening if others are not pleased and happy. You can remain calm and lighthearted even when others are not. If you find yourself in a situation where those around you need space, honor that, but meet your own self care needs in healthy ways. Anticipate your needs and act on them. It’s not selfish because the Whitened person’s attention will quickly be directed to others as soon as someone else comes along. In fact, that secure calmness that you emulate will be a great source of security for yourself and those interacting with you. It is contagious.

I have seen it time and time again, if you decide you want to prosper in any aspect of life, going back to your authentic way of doing things will always lead you to your hopes and dreams. They might take a detour, but if you are true to who you are and what your design and personality is, you will find ways to enjoy the ride while you are being redirected. Stay in your lane and navigate it in a way only you can. Everyone deserves that, and everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time “: How to Prosper in the Saturated Design

Posted on July 9, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

In the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” we talk a lot about the beginning of any journey. We talk about how to learn more about ourselves and love our self so we can relate to others in healthy ways. We talk about how important our beliefs about our self and who we are can be. They can determine whether or not we are controlled in relationships and whether or not we can leave behind unhealthy dynamics. Add all this up and it really has the potential to determine whether or not we are going to prosper in our hopes and dreams.

What does prosper look like for each design? Each week we will look at one design to see what this looks like for them.

SATURATED

For the Saturated design, whether or not we prosper is determined by what that Saturated person deems will hit the mark for them. It is the one or two things that they keep focused on in any dream. They keep that in their sights and they stay focused.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic, where the main character believes what the controlling person in their life has projected on them, the damage is done when it destroys the order around them and the definition of the order of their dreams. Order to someone high in the Saturated design is key, it is like the air they breathe. They thrive when everything is in its prospective place. If you take that order away or more importantly, pervert it, it can have devastating effects on someone that is Saturated. The degree of their Saturated design is equal to the degree of the devastation they will experience. This is the seed of their hopelessness. That hopelessness will now become the main character in their story and everything is organized around that. The fear infused into that narrative is their fuel. All bets are off and they are literally driven by fear.

The projective identity is placed on the Saturated person when the controlling person redefines order and what it looks like in this narrative. They don’t go directly at the Saturated person’s character because that design tends to have a lot of confidence. The dominating person seems to sense this, so they get busy redefining order and what it really looks like. They also add the extra flattering narrative for themselves of how good they are at this new kind of order (defined by them) and they move forward with a false self that appears even more confident than the legitimate and authentic confidence of the Saturated design. This is the hook. The Saturated person is left in self-doubt and that is when they start to consider that the egoic, projected, made up form of order is true. As time goes on and more hits come, they believe it more and more—and those roads all lead to hopelessness for a Saturated person.

The” can be” of the Saturated design plays a role here because they see things in an “all or nothing way.” They move from the confidence of the “all” or “all in” to the helplessness, avoidance, and shut down of the “nothing”, so they tend to feel and do “nothing.”

If you are Saturated, the best way to navigate your way out of this unhealthy version of the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” is to learn about and change the dynamics we talked about last week to move into the new and healthy “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” or starting place. It will lead to “happily ever after” kind of success. The next step is to throw out the narrative. Use that clear-thinking part of you that you already are familiar with and put your sights on whatever gives you clarity. It usually comes in the form of a declaration. Something like, “I can do this, or I’m competent, or I have dignity…” Focus on that one thing and go. Remember that your opinion of yourself in the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” is the only one that counts in this point of your journey. Others will come later when you are healthy. You are the one to define order for yourself and then support yourself in it. It’s not selfish, it’s appropriate. It’s what is needed now. Stamp the statement and the meaning that goes with that declaration in your mind, apply it in your life and all around you. The third thing is to remember to move back to your authenticity. It is full of your values and preferences and defines what makes you feel safe. That will give you the personal power you need to navigate life.

I promise that if you want to prosper in anything, you need to know your authenticity and be able to support yourself enough to use it. Keep in mind that to prosper means to add resources to our life, to add meaning to our life, to obtain dreams, and to meet personal goals that lead to our dreams. The other part of prosper is to enjoy it when you do. It is to be grateful for it and to sit back and watch just how lucky you are to be on your own path and playing out the movie of your life, and not someone else’s script for you.

You are worth it, because everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How To Prosper In Your Design

Posted on July 1, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

If you are a Human, Please, Please Read!

How many stories have we read or watched play out on the movie screen where there is always the same dynamic—whether it be Cinderella, the Huntsman, the Avengers (any of them) or just a good story about people overcoming challenges in relationships or other trials—it seems to play out time after time. That dynamic I am speaking of is what I like to refer to as the “Once Upon a Time dynamic.” It is a story line, projection, description, or narrative that has been placed on the main character.

For example, take the story of Cinderella. In the beginning, Cinderella desires to be wanted, loved, and accepted in a relationship and a family. The stepmother convinces her that she is not any of those. At the same time, the stepmother goes to great lengths to show Cinderella that she, the stepmom, is. She boasts about how wanted she is, she tells how admired she and her daughters are. She implies in conversations how anyone would be lucky to win their hand in marriage. She puts herself and her daughters in a higher position as a family in an attempt to leave Cinderella out. This is all done to elevate herself in the things that she knows are important to Cinderella’s authenticity.

When you look at any of these types of stories, the problem in the beginning of the story is that the main character believes in these types of narratives. They literally think it is true about that they cannot or do not possess these qualities or things they desire, and often they believe it so wholeheartedly that they think they cannot escape from their circumstances. They have bought into the deceit that this is as good as it gets for someone like them. Many times in the movies there is a voice of a narrator laying out these unhealthy dynamics to beautiful music in the background with some calming sounds like birds singing, or ocean waves gently crashing, or a beautiful song playing to illustrate the minimization of the narrative and down-playing how dangerous it is in the characters mind. A story line of how the main character has just casually accepted their circumstances and in some cases has signed off on the unhealthy description of who they are and seem totally accepting of their fate. Right behind that dynamic is a controlling character that is more than happy to keep running the lines of this narrative. Wow, gives new meaning to “once upon a time.”

As helpful as this “Once Upon a Time,” stage setting is in a movie or a good story (it really helps sell the story), this dynamic is not helpful when it plays out in real life. When we as humans are trying to find our own happy endings and success in life—whether it be in business, in relationships, or projects—it is harmful because it can stop us from getting what we want out of life. Let’s keep this narrative in fairy tales where it is effective, and switch that around in real life to ensure that we start our personal story off on the right foot.

When trying to find success in any avenue of life, the goal would be to make sure we prosper in our hopes and dreams. That we purposefully plant feelings of success, accomplishment, and efficacy and feel them as we go; feel them LIVE and in the moment, in whatever process we are going through. It will help us in all endeavors of experiencing and growing in life.

There are three important concepts that we need to be familiar with in finding this kind of success so we don’t start off in the old and tired version of a “Once Upon a Time dynamic.”

Projective Identification
Dependency
Authenticity

It is the same whether we are Saturated, Whitened, Grayed, or Blackened; we all need to be aware of these three concepts and be present to make sure we are navigating these dynamics in healthy ways.

Let’s start with Projective Identification. This is an unhealthy dynamic often used by the controlling characters in our life story. This is used to coerce you into finding success in their way instead of your own. It is an agenda and they want what they want. They take a trait or value that is important to you and your authenticity and tell you that you are not that. They make you believe that they themselves actually possess that and that you need to be more like them in order to have it yourself. They are dangerous to our hopes and dreams because they don’t want us to succeed in our story they just want us to be a pawn or a character in their story. This is sometimes done on purpose but not always; sometimes people do this because they are driven by insecurity or fear and that is their best way of getting what they need and want. Make sure to have compassion for their injury and be careful not to judge…just don’t audition for their movie.

Here is an example:
We have a client who is so caring. They value this and it is a priority in relationships. It is just who this person is. It is what they see and believe about themselves, and there is plenty of evidence in their close relationships and how they interact with others to support this.

Here is the projection or narrative. They have a controlling person in their life that they care about. When this person doesn’t get what they want they simply accuse our client of not caring. They are sure to also slip in an additional narrative of how caring they themselves are and fact stack to drive it home more. So our client subconsciously starts getting busy to prove how caring they really are. In their mind they think something like, “oh silly me I haven’t properly shown just how caring I really am so I better get busy and care more and show it more.” I call this “get hopping.” Over and over this happened, until the client got to a place where they felt defeated and hopeless and really started believing that they did not care enough to be in that relationship.

THE ANSWER: We need to remember that the only opinion of yourself that is important in your “once upon a time” is your own!

The second concept we need to understanding is Dependency.

Here is where it gets complex. Please keep reading. In the old unhealthy version of your “once upon a time” you have now bought into the narrative that the controlling character has carefully scripted for you. Consequently, now in that unhealthy swirl, you add the part where you need them (because they have convinced you they are the good guy in this story, and they possess all those traits that you value). You need them to deem you OK. They have by now convinced you that they are the benevolent character in the traits that you value so much, so naturally it seems reasonable that they are the ones in a position to deem you have that same trait. If you could only just hit the mark—their mark.

That is where dominance comes in. They now dominate and own your character in this story because you desperately need them and depend on them and their opinion of you to be OK. The problem is, you are never going to hit that mark because again you are not playing into your story line, your hopes and dream, you are there for theirs. You now don’t even own the rights to this script. You are now an extra and you are so desperately happy to be one because you are just dying (as we naturally all want validation) to be restored back to that person that you know you are somewhere in there and want to be. You are dependent on them and you now need them to survive.

THE ANSWER: Stop looking externally for your worth (that means you are comparing yourself to someone else). If you do look externally for your worth I promise you will fail 100 percent of the time.

The third concept is Authenticity.

The new “once upon a time” is when you obtain your “Happily Ever After” through your authenticity. It literally is the path. Each step is taken leaving the footprints of who you are and what you value behind for others to see and possibly follow. The compass you will need to guide you on your path is your struggles, your trials, your challenges, and how you learn to navigate them. They are your compass because they tell you where you need to go next. You just run toward them and you stay north. You keep going, you learn what it is that you need to learn, and you overcome in a way only you can.

When other people follow you in your journey they will feel all of the authentic and legitimate power that your imprint leaves behind because it is a truth, truth about your journey. A truth about you. IT IS A TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU ARE MADE AND WHAT YOUR CHALLENGES AND STRENGTHS ARE. IT IS HOW YOU WERE SENT TO THIS WORLD. IT IS YOUR OWN AUTHENTIC, UNIQUE WAY OF BEING HUMAN. It is an actual energy or blueprint that only you can leave. It is your organic script and it has twists and turns that are there to be discovered and evaluated by no one else but you. You are then in a position of experience to share and serve. This all happens after you draw conclusions in your journey. It is full of values, limits, and preferences and part of it is discovering new ones along the way.

I have done thousands and thousands of personality profiles over my career and I can tell you no two people are alike. I can say with confidence that every Human is unique and each bone in their body or tone of their voice or the way they walk or think is for a reason and has the ability to affect another for good. In my experience and my opinion, we all have a purpose of our own.

It seems like every couple of days at Human Art someone asks us what is going on with our world and relating to each other. They ask our opinion on what is the problem. I don’t know what the main problem is, but I do know that I see this “Once Upon a Time” dynamic all the time. In unhealthy people, and even in good people sometimes. When I see it in myself I move fast to correct it. I think to some degree we all play the role of the villain to someone, and but if we all get really familiar with this “once upon a time” dynamic I really believe we can turn things around and fix at least some of these concepts that everyone of us is feeling some consequences of. I believe in the human dynamic, I believe, that we want to prosper. I don’t know what we have lost along the way, but I know we can find it again. I know deep down we all love, hope, and have dreams.

I think people are good and I believe in them, because I believe in my heart that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

**In the next few weeks we will be talking about what unhealthy and healthy once upon a time dynamics look like for each design and how to navigate them.