Tag: outsourcing

Who Am I Supposed to Be? Overcoming Self Doubt (Week 2-Whitened)

Posted on October 15, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Self-doubt prevents you from looking inward and discovering what is uniquely yours; those things about your personality that make you who you are. The fear of not belonging tips the scale and you become more interested in conforming than in performing in a healthy, authentic way. This has high potential to place you on a destructive trajectory. It can generate a LOST kind of feeling. Some might minimize the effects of self-doubt and reduce it to “having a hard time”, and others might see it as some form of humility, but if we dare to take a deeper look and run into our feelings of self-doubt we can collect good information. We can assess in a healthy way where we might be doubting our self. We could possibly sit there long enough to see what we think others think we should be. If we stay long enough and tolerate those feelings, we can even notice where we are outsourcing and who we are outsourcing approval to. If we can do this, it is the first step in taking our healthy power back.

When you are experiencing self-doubt, you are not operating in your character. Character is an enduring pattern of behavior based on correct principle. Self-doubt is abandoning the work that you have put into creating these patterns over time and creating the foundation of your autonomy. One the other hand, when we consistently work this routine along the way, day to day, it cannot help but enhance your design. Those of us in self-doubt abandon this process and vacillate between building our authentic patterns and mirroring others. In mirroring others, we crash our boundaries often and that is where we lose parts of ourselves. It is exactly at this point we stop enrolling others and we find our self submitting to them instead.

In early childhood development we work to find what they love. If they were a child, maybe he has interest in airplanes. He might go on in his life to collect airplanes. He could possibly even fly them. If the secure parent can just follow him in this interest with curiosity and support his interest, taking him to museums and exploring books on airplanes, he will find his place and where he lands. If the parent can’t tolerate it because they like something else, that shuts down his interest and leads to self-doubt, the kind at this point he can only feel and might not be able to verbalize yet. Conversely, in a healthy situation, even if the child doesn’t stay with airplanes, they definitely get the message that their interests are important and they have a secure environment to explore. They are forming who they are.

This month we are looking at what self-doubt looks like in each design. This week we will focus on the Whitened design.

In the rapprochement model that we focused on last month we know that when a Whitened person gets overwhelmed it usually has to do with their circles of people or relationships. When they cannot please these people or get others to be together in healthy ways and it can overwhelm them. We know that their social intelligence is high and we know they are exceptional at anticipating others’ needs, so if those in their circles are not reciprocating, that will overwhelm a Whitened person over time.

One challenge with a Whitened person is they will not tell you they are getting overwhelmed until they have had it. In some cases they will never tell you, so they just abandon ship and it looks random or doesn’t make sense to you. In reality, they have been leaving the situation for a long time. It could leave those in the Whitened social circles or relationships scratching their heads and asking “how did that happen?” It is the Whitened persons way of saying “I’m out.”

When a Whitened person gets to this point it goes something like this in their head: “I have been trying and trying to love this person. I have been thinking what they need, and they in turn don’t even know me, so why even bother?” In this place, they still love this person and they still have a desire to be in their life, they have just lost their desire to enroll them into their vulnerability. The consequences of this is that they are now in a space where they do not anticipate the needs of this person or relationship, so it has the potential to look flippant to the others in the relationship. The relationship can lose its energy, and it tends to fizzle out with no confrontation just a very subtle separation over time.

Here is an example:

Two good friends in a work situation have been close friends for some time. The Whitened person is constantly anticipating, bantering with the other who is introverted, shy, and has an injury of being socially anxious. The Whitened person, in a light-hearted way paves a path when things become social that makes it very easy for the introverted one to step into any social situation. Time and time again when there are parties or large amounts of people involved, the Whitened person is there to pave the way, so no one even notices that the other person even struggles with these situations.

This goes on and on for years, and the Whitened person is getting fatigued of this, a little at a time. In the meantime, it is so easy to lean on the Whitened person that the introverted person at some level just gets accustomed to it and, after all, the Whitened person looks as if they are enjoying the ride—they make it look effortless. It is here where the Whitened person just wakes up and says, “I’m out.” They feel as if the other person in this work relationship doesn’t know them. They come into work and, later that day when there is a party, the introverted is ready for the paved road. Instead, they find themselves alone outside the door waiting for their Whitened friend, who doesn’t show up. They find out later that the Whitened friend is not even at this work party, but at a completely different party all together. The Whitened person does not even bring it up again. They are still nice but show no interest in creating the paved road anymore. Over time, these fast friends drift apart.

If the introverted friend, despite their social anxiety, could just meet a need of the Whitened co-worker here and there, even in small ways, the Whitened person would not fatigue. It would actually lead to a conversation of gratitude, which makes it easy for a Whitened person to step into vulnerability and helps them open up about what they need. This cannot help but strengthen the relationship overtime. They will appreciate the thoughtfulness and sincerity of the introverted person. This can go far in setting a foundation for a secure attachment in the relationship. It will also lead to healthy vulnerability.

The interesting thing is that in these situations, where the Whitened person gets overwhelmed and they are not getting the relief that they need, they do act in random ways, which often leads to criticism from others because their actions appear so random and illogical. This just leads to more distance and puts a wedge in the relationship.

If you are high in the Whitened design, use that Whitened charm to engage in relationships with healthy people. Create a space that is light-hearted and safe because that is the hallmark of your relationship. But stop along the way to get your own needs met and don’t be so quick to put them to the side. Think of it as feeding the relationship and preventing it from becoming fragile and brittle. Remember that always putting your needs to the side will not overwhelm you until suddenly it does, so work hard to prevent this dynamic along the way.

Really focus in on the example I gave and freeze the situation that we just talked about. The moment that paving the way for the other friend becomes a routine rather than something that happens in the moment, we see where the Whitened person can start to become overwhelmed. They get the feeling the other person does not know the Whitened person. This is the moment the breakdown gets its start. The introverted co-worker doesn’t know the Whitened person because the Whitened person doesn’t give them the chance. They are too busy paving the way, meeting the other person’s needs. So this is the very point when the Whitened person could just simply pause, speak up, and tell the other person about what they need. Negotiate. It could be something as simple as, “Hey I’m a little tired, when we get into the party could you find me a chair? Sometimes paving the way can make me tired.” That little bit of information gives the other a chance to reciprocate, which leads to bonding. Remember, we can only bond if we are receiving as well as giving. The receiving end is where we have potential for strong bonding. So if we are not receiving and always giving, then we are not bonding in healthy ways.

At the end of the day we ask ourselves those two questions

Who am I?

You are you in that light-hearted, social way. You are you the way you like to enroll and serve others.

Why am I outsourcing to others more than I am supporting myself in my design?

Remember, if we are outsourcing our approval at any point and putting that approval above our own authenticity we are in trouble. We might be paving a way for others to find relief, but we are paving the way to broken relationships as well if we are not negotiating, receiving, and bonding at the same time. That is a sure recipe for self-doubt!

This is critical for all designs, but it is especially critical for the Whitened personality. When we are collaborating we are still bonding; if we are hushed the relationship could be in trouble. Instead of staying hushed, go find healthy relationships. Seek for give and take interactions, live in the moment, and live in your design’s integrity. Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Who Am I Supposed to Be? Overcoming Self-Doubt (Week 1-Saturated)

Posted on October 8, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

At Human Art we get the opportunity to meet people daily. A dynamic we have observed in talking with many people is that we as humans seem to have a soul desire to constantly function at a higher level. No matter where we find our self in life, or no matter our circumstances, we seem to strive to get to a higher or more advanced level of what we are experiencing. This can be such a good and progressive dynamic but, on the other hand, if not navigated in a healthy way it has the potential to destroy our authenticity. One of the pitfalls that we often see as part of this personal destruction, is self-doubt.

A good explanation of self-doubt is the difference in what you are expected to be and who you are originally, authentically. That difference between those two is confusing at best because we know what others might think we should be to get their approval, but we also instinctively know who we are and what we really want to be. We know where our values and talents really land.

In early child development we learn that when too much emphasis is put on external expectations, and approval, acceptance, and belonging is tied to that, a child learns that outsourcing is a superior way of getting their needs meet. One way to explain outsourcing is in the rapprochement model that we discussed last month. When a child is looking for relief and the caretaker is unavailable, they have no other choice but to look to the outside world to get their needs meet. In extreme cases they can get further with a stranger than their own preoccupied caretaker, leaving them in a habit of outsourcing their survival. When these little ones become adults, they are too familiar with looking outward for approval and acceptance instead of being anchored in their own authentic approval or supporting themselves.

I often think of outsourcing that leads to self-doubt as a person that is playing the role of jello and those they interact with as the molds. Each time they interact with someone, the jello conforms to the other’s way of doing things and to their way of accepting others, to their values, and their systems of navigating life. Then when they jump to the next person, they mold to theirs and abandon the one prior. It goes on and on each time they jump, leaving the jello confused and in a place where they have lost sight of who they were in the first place. Sometimes they can’t even access their original feelings, likes, and preferences. They now cease to operate in their own autonomy, which is defined by their own design, and is their authentic mold. Silly example but profound in its impact.

How does each design experience self-doubt that leads to outsourcing? Let’s start this week with discussing the Saturated design. We will focus on the others in the coming weeks.

In the rapprochement model, the Saturated person needs relief when they have too many things coming at them at once. This is important to understand. When you stop and look deeper into that one dynamic of the Saturated person in your life, there is a plethora of information. If you find them in a place where too much is coming at them, the first thing you know for sure is that they need out. This is not always because they don’t think they can do something about it, it is often due to the fact that they don’t find value in doing something about it. This is where we get the phrase, “I’M OUT.” It is important to understand at that moment they don’t know why they have stepped into this space in the first place, whether it be a project, a conversation, or a relationship, and they are experiencing the first hit of self-doubt.

It plays something like this in their mind: “How did a person like me get myself in a place like this?” They are not doubting their ability to fix or navigate, they are doubting their judgment as to why they picked this particular project, conversation, or relationship in the first place. They can see they are not going to get the quality outcome they expected. They are, in a way, doubting their judgment, which is a hallmark in that design that they are very proud of—their clear logic. In this moment, they feel as though they have lost that ability to see things clearly and logically, and they feel like they are drowning without one of their best skills.

Here is an example.

Years ago, in a training for the Human Art design team, we as a staff wanted to punctuate this dynamic played out through a Saturated person. One of the talented designers was Saturated, so we purposefully called her to the front of the room and put her in a group of four or five other designers who were all high in the Whitened design. This one designer was the only one that was high in the Saturated and low in the Whitened. No one knew our intentions except the leaders of the activity. We instructed the small group to create any design they wanted, the only thing they had to do was use the supplies on a table in front of them. The supplies were covered with a sheet. When we said “begin,” they were to remove the sheet and then had 5 minutes to create a design with these items only. We wanted them to demonstrate this task in front of the others in the design team so the team could observe and learn from their skills.

We gave the command, and the small group of Whitened and the one Saturated designer removed the sheet. On the table was a pile of supplies that were flimsy and cheap in quality. Toilet paper rolls, cheap tissue paper, pipe cleaners, paper towels, balloons and confetti. At first glance the Whitened people squealed with excitement, but the Saturated designer froze. As she observed the supplies and the lack of quality, you could almost hear her thoughts and see that first step of self-doubt. She became embarrassed, and instinctively stepped away from the table. Each time she observed the items, she would take another step away from the table. Then when realizing the social pressure of the demonstration, she became frustrated with her self-doubt and visibly became overwhelmed. Her exact words were, “I’M OUT.”

The interesting thing is, the Whitened people then picked up on her stress and started doubting themselves, just because she was doubting. We quickly ended the demonstration and called her back up. We talked about the outcome and then, to her relief, brought another table out that was full of quality supplies, organized in a simple and orderly way so she could see what she had to work with. You could see her confidence come back. She immediately stepped close to the new table and reengaged in the activity.

If we could freeze that activity at the point that she saw what was on the table, we would discover that she had too much information, and she could instantly see she was not going to get a quality outcome. This would be right where a Saturated person has high potential to experience self-doubt. It is at this moment the Saturated person must decide whether to outsource their acceptance, approval, and values or inner source (trust their authentic self) them. If no one is there to offer relief or a clear solution, that would be the point in which outsourcing would begin. They might worry what others are thinking of their performance. They would start to assess what others are thinking of them. They would definitely have high potential for a considerable amount of self-doubt. Because the Saturated thought process is all or nothing, it is at this very moment you could possibly lose that connection of the Saturated person, or you could lose that Saturated person as a participant all together.

To the Saturated person, this is a good place to examine yourself and see if you would have the strength, like this designer did, to find the conditions that you need. Be determined to support yourself, negotiate from that vantage point, and re-engage (inner source), anchoring firmly from your authenticity to complete the task.

The magic of this inner sourcing is when you have the ability to follow each other in whatever design they are and negotiate the needs of both people’s design needs. If everyone in the group is inner sourcing needs and approval from the inside out we find order, which is a high need of the Saturated design. If we have everyone in the group outsourcing, we are left with chaos, which leads to zero amount of collaboration. When it comes to the Saturated people in the group, that is when they are all respectively “out.” Each one of them are out in their own way. The Saturated people are often deemed leaders of the group because of the authority that the Saturated people seen to relate to, so they often unintentionally persuade the group for good or bad.

At the end of the day, we may find ourselves asking these 2 questions:

1. “Who am I?” The answer is, you are YOU. The way you came to this great earth or human experience. You are you, authentically, the way you were put together the moment you were born. Completely intact with your organic authenticity. You are you before others even had a chance to try and influence you with their agenda. You are you, the one you believe in and the you that you feel at a deep level.and
2. “Why am I trying to find a better version of myself?”The key word in that question is the word find. If we are asking it in that way, then we are outsourcing. When we are asking the question, “Why am I trying to BE a better version of myself?” That is when we know we are on the right path to our authentic and real self, asking the right questions that lead us to more advanced levels of functioning and learning. That is where we find progression as humans.

If you are Saturated, or high in the Saturated design, run back to those few things that are important to you. Simplify your quality and move forward from that vantage point. Sequence your growth and life in a way that you are always pointing towards and asking for what you need to advance. When you feel yourself distancing from things that are good and healthy, jump back in; be steadfast in finding quality in a way that you need it. Support yourself. Love your design. Identify it. Identify and love others for their design.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook