If you are a Human, Please, Please Read!
How many stories have we read or watched play out on the movie screen where there is always the same dynamic—whether it be Cinderella, the Huntsman, the Avengers (any of them) or just a good story about people overcoming challenges in relationships or other trials—it seems to play out time after time. That dynamic I am speaking of is what I like to refer to as the “Once Upon a Time dynamic.” It is a story line, projection, description, or narrative that has been placed on the main character.
For example, take the story of Cinderella. In the beginning, Cinderella desires to be wanted, loved, and accepted in a relationship and a family. The stepmother convinces her that she is not any of those. At the same time, the stepmother goes to great lengths to show Cinderella that she, the stepmom, is. She boasts about how wanted she is, she tells how admired she and her daughters are. She implies in conversations how anyone would be lucky to win their hand in marriage. She puts herself and her daughters in a higher position as a family in an attempt to leave Cinderella out. This is all done to elevate herself in the things that she knows are important to Cinderella’s authenticity.
When you look at any of these types of stories, the problem in the beginning of the story is that the main character believes in these types of narratives. They literally think it is true about that they cannot or do not possess these qualities or things they desire, and often they believe it so wholeheartedly that they think they cannot escape from their circumstances. They have bought into the deceit that this is as good as it gets for someone like them. Many times in the movies there is a voice of a narrator laying out these unhealthy dynamics to beautiful music in the background with some calming sounds like birds singing, or ocean waves gently crashing, or a beautiful song playing to illustrate the minimization of the narrative and down-playing how dangerous it is in the characters mind. A story line of how the main character has just casually accepted their circumstances and in some cases has signed off on the unhealthy description of who they are and seem totally accepting of their fate. Right behind that dynamic is a controlling character that is more than happy to keep running the lines of this narrative. Wow, gives new meaning to “once upon a time.”
As helpful as this “Once Upon a Time,” stage setting is in a movie or a good story (it really helps sell the story), this dynamic is not helpful when it plays out in real life. When we as humans are trying to find our own happy endings and success in life—whether it be in business, in relationships, or projects—it is harmful because it can stop us from getting what we want out of life. Let’s keep this narrative in fairy tales where it is effective, and switch that around in real life to ensure that we start our personal story off on the right foot.
When trying to find success in any avenue of life, the goal would be to make sure we prosper in our hopes and dreams. That we purposefully plant feelings of success, accomplishment, and efficacy and feel them as we go; feel them LIVE and in the moment, in whatever process we are going through. It will help us in all endeavors of experiencing and growing in life.
There are three important concepts that we need to be familiar with in finding this kind of success so we don’t start off in the old and tired version of a “Once Upon a Time dynamic.”
- Projective Identification
- Dependency
- Authenticity
It is the same whether we are Saturated, Whitened, Grayed, or Blackened; we all need to be aware of these three concepts and be present to make sure we are navigating these dynamics in healthy ways.
Let’s start with Projective Identification. This is an unhealthy dynamic often used by the controlling characters in our life story. This is used to coerce you into finding success in their way instead of your own. It is an agenda and they want what they want. They take a trait or value that is important to you and your authenticity and tell you that you are not that. They make you believe that they themselves actually possess that and that you need to be more like them in order to have it yourself. They are dangerous to our hopes and dreams because they don’t want us to succeed in our story they just want us to be a pawn or a character in their story. This is sometimes done on purpose but not always; sometimes people do this because they are driven by insecurity or fear and that is their best way of getting what they need and want. Make sure to have compassion for their injury and be careful not to judge…just don’t audition for their movie.
Here is an example:
We have a client who is so caring. They value this and it is a priority in relationships. It is just who this person is. It is what they see and believe about themselves, and there is plenty of evidence in their close relationships and how they interact with others to support this.
Here is the projection or narrative. They have a controlling person in their life that they care about. When this person doesn’t get what they want they simply accuse our client of not caring. They are sure to also slip in an additional narrative of how caring they themselves are and fact stack to drive it home more. So our client subconsciously starts getting busy to prove how caring they really are. In their mind they think something like, “oh silly me I haven’t properly shown just how caring I really am so I better get busy and care more and show it more.” I call this “get hopping.” Over and over this happened, until the client got to a place where they felt defeated and hopeless and really started believing that they did not care enough to be in that relationship.
THE ANSWER: We need to remember that the only opinion of yourself that is important in your “once upon a time” is your own!
The second concept we need to understanding is Dependency.
Here is where it gets complex. Please keep reading. In the old unhealthy version of your “once upon a time” you have now bought into the narrative that the controlling character has carefully scripted for you. Consequently, now in that unhealthy swirl, you add the part where you need them (because they have convinced you they are the good guy in this story, and they possess all those traits that you value). You need them to deem you OK. They have by now convinced you that they are the benevolent character in the traits that you value so much, so naturally it seems reasonable that they are the ones in a position to deem you have that same trait. If you could only just hit the mark—their mark.
That is where dominance comes in. They now dominate and own your character in this story because you desperately need them and depend on them and their opinion of you to be OK. The problem is, you are never going to hit that mark because again you are not playing into your story line, your hopes and dream, you are there for theirs. You now don’t even own the rights to this script. You are now an extra and you are so desperately happy to be one because you are just dying (as we naturally all want validation) to be restored back to that person that you know you are somewhere in there and want to be. You are dependent on them and you now need them to survive.
THE ANSWER: Stop looking externally for your worth (that means you are comparing yourself to someone else). If you do look externally for your worth I promise you will fail 100 percent of the time.
The third concept is Authenticity.
The new “once upon a time” is when you obtain your “Happily Ever After” through your authenticity. It literally is the path. Each step is taken leaving the footprints of who you are and what you value behind for others to see and possibly follow. The compass you will need to guide you on your path is your struggles, your trials, your challenges, and how you learn to navigate them. They are your compass because they tell you where you need to go next. You just run toward them and you stay north. You keep going, you learn what it is that you need to learn, and you overcome in a way only you can.
When other people follow you in your journey they will feel all of the authentic and legitimate power that your imprint leaves behind because it is a truth, truth about your journey. A truth about you. IT IS A TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU ARE MADE AND WHAT YOUR CHALLENGES AND STRENGTHS ARE. IT IS HOW YOU WERE SENT TO THIS WORLD. IT IS YOUR OWN AUTHENTIC, UNIQUE WAY OF BEING HUMAN. It is an actual energy or blueprint that only you can leave. It is your organic script and it has twists and turns that are there to be discovered and evaluated by no one else but you. You are then in a position of experience to share and serve. This all happens after you draw conclusions in your journey. It is full of values, limits, and preferences and part of it is discovering new ones along the way.
I have done thousands and thousands of personality profiles over my career and I can tell you no two people are alike. I can say with confidence that every Human is unique and each bone in their body or tone of their voice or the way they walk or think is for a reason and has the ability to affect another for good. In my experience and my opinion, we all have a purpose of our own.
It seems like every couple of days at Human Art someone asks us what is going on with our world and relating to each other. They ask our opinion on what is the problem. I don’t know what the main problem is, but I do know that I see this “Once Upon a Time” dynamic all the time. In unhealthy people, and even in good people sometimes. When I see it in myself I move fast to correct it. I think to some degree we all play the role of the villain to someone, and but if we all get really familiar with this “once upon a time” dynamic I really believe we can turn things around and fix at least some of these concepts that everyone of us is feeling some consequences of. I believe in the human dynamic, I believe, that we want to prosper. I don’t know what we have lost along the way, but I know we can find it again. I know deep down we all love, hope, and have dreams.
I think people are good and I believe in them, because I believe in my heart that everyone is a masterpiece.
Brook
**In the next few weeks we will be talking about what unhealthy and healthy once upon a time dynamics look like for each design and how to navigate them.
RELATED POSTS:
Once Upon a Time: How to Prosper in the Saturated Design
Once Upon a Time: How to Prosper in the Whitened Design
Once Upon a Time: How to Prosper in the Grayed Design
Once Upon a Time: How to Prosper in the Blackened Design