Tag: Prosper

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Blackened Design

Posted on August 12, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We have talked a lot about what the “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic looks like and why it is important to recognize it. We have already spent a lot of time on the dynamics of it so you can become familiar with it, so I ‘m going to veer off-script a little and focus in on one component that is present in this “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic and also in the prosper and success part of it. The component I’m talking about is information—how it is used to create a dynamic and how it is used to take it back to a healthy place. The reason I am doing it in this week’s blog is because we are going to focus on the Blackened design, so it seems fitting.

Information and how it is used is an important piece of the “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic. If someone is to create a projection for you then how they get and use information determines whether they can cause a narrative to stick or not. The Blackened design is all about being real, and they have an “it is what it is” attitude; this is what leads them to be so honest about things and call it for what it is. Keeping that truth is critical if you want a healthy outcome. If you let information be used in unhealthy ways then you will get the opposite—reactivity and a lot of emotions will become involved.

Information used in an unhealthy way is what we refer to commonly as gossip. The interesting thing about gossip is it is loyal only to the unhealthy narrative. It is not loyal to the truth of things. If someone is controlling or dominating, they collect information that serves or rings true to the narrative. They will then use that information to support a projection and fact stack against the person it is directed to until the narrative seems to be true. It is done until the narrative sticks; it is designed to get you or others to believe it. It has no curiosity, the projection is designed only to support the unhealthy story line that the controller wants so they can get their way. The controlling person in the dynamic is only interested in information that supports the narrative of the person they are projecting onto so they only give approval to those who spread or serve up information that supports the narrative.

Healthy people want the truth. They are curious, so they like to look at all sides of things so they can make a healthy and integrated statement about the truth. A person who is high in Blackened values honesty, so it is important for that Blackened person to make sure it is the healthy truth and not the truth according to an unhealthy narrative that has been set in motion to control someone or an outcome. They want to make sure it will lead to prosperity for the Blackened person and those they like to protect.

What does prosper look like?

Blackened

For someone who is high in the Blackened design, to prosper is to fix. That is the bottom line to them. If something is wrong, they want a solution. The first thing they will do when they see that something is broken is want to know what happened—how did it break, or was it always this way? They don’t want to analyze the story, they just want the why, the how, and the what, in order to determine how it will lead to a solution. To a person that is Blackened this is the very way in which they protect those around them. It is how they care for people. It is like a first responder; they have to leave emotions at the door for a moment and move into a logical place so they can do the hard things that need to be done to protect. They will eventually let the emotions in, it will just be after the fix.

In the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic, a controlling person will start a narrative for them that because they show no emotion in those times, they are cold. Because the Blackened person rejects drama in the crisis, they don’t care and are emotionally stunted. That is the hook—as the Blackened person is still moving to fix or protect, they are riddled with self-doubt and the controller in the story is a bystander happy to throw around labels about how feelingless and primitive the Blackened person is. All the while the controlling person is on the sidelines working the crowd, telling everyone in their sights just how empathetic and emotionally advanced they are. So much so that they can hardly stand this awful situation. This then directs the attention and help to the controller, leaving the Blackened person alone to carry the weight of the crisis themselves. This can lead to isolation and a version of social shutdown.

The “can be” of the Blackened design is they can get forceful and resourceful to a fault. To the degree the Blackened person believes a narrative is equal to the degree they show up in these can be’s. This has high potential to make an unhealthy narrative of being void of emotion look like it could, in fact, be true.

If a Blackened person is at a point where they want to navigate a healthy “Once Upon A Time” Dynamic and turn it into their happily ever after, the best way to start is to communicate what those feelings or emotions will be, when they are past the fix or crisis, so those around them see both sides of the story—the logic and empathy. It would sound something like, “I can see that you are all scared, I’m going to fix this and then we will all talk about how scared we are. For now, let me do my job.” When the controlling people around you start to throw out those unhealthy adjectives from their desired narrative, correct them while you are working and protecting. When they say you are forceful, you follow up with, “I’m just strong.” When they say you are too resourceful, you say “I’m protecting our resources.” Then anyone can negotiate a situation from there.

One of the best things about the Blackened design is that they relate to realness and honesty. It is the hallmark of the Blackened design and it is the beauty of your authenticity. So start there. You can make anyone feel secure just through your actions. When they see your desire to fix, it makes us all feel more stable. Communicate your intentions as you go. It seems so obvious to you what you are doing when you move to fix things, but it is not as obvious to the other designs. The higher you are in the Blackened design the more you don’t enjoy analyzing the dramatic nature of situations. That is what makes you so real, so reassuring, and so secure. Your authentic strength starts from that place. Love it, live it, and celebrate it, and then celebrate others. You deserve it and others do too, because everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Grayed Design

Posted on July 22, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When you are learning to recognize the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” dynamics in your life or with one or two people around you, I believe we all have the desire to move into a healthier space. Moving out, however, can feel overwhelming, so the tendency is to avoid that action all together. This has potential to lead us to more hopelessness and feeling stuck. Remember that you can move one step at a time. Start to unpack these kinds of relationships, and with each new bit of information just take a little step forward. If you are moving and growing (even if it is slow) you are still on the right track. There is no one behind you with a stopwatch when it comes to discovering new things about yourself and growing (if there is then that could be a problem and is possibly the first place to start unpacking). Each person’s pace and timing on the way to learning how to prosper is as individual as each person is themselves.

What does prosper look like?

GRAYED

For someone who is high in the Grayed design, to prosper is to experience things. It’s all about the journey, and what dictates if the journey is prosperous or successful lies all in the details. Good or bad, they love to dissect and analyze them. It is where the joy and learning lives. The fuel is time. They need time to process the details so they get the most out of every experience that they possibly can. They love to slow down and look ahead to see all the possibilities and contingencies. It is a Grayed person’s playground and it is meticulous and refined.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic the main character or Grayed person seems to quickly buy into the projective identity that they are too slow—that is the hook. You would think it would be more complex, but in most cases it isn’t. The controller just has to keep throwing out that storyline and point out all of the times that Grayed person has taken too long. All the controlling person has to do is cast that out there and if the Grayed character bites on it then they themselves will complicate it by adding all of the details and contingencies. The controlling person can now just sit back and watch them swirl. If the Grayed person starts to analyze in a healthy way, the controlling person will quickly recast another line out full of examples of how they are taking too much time. They will sometimes say it is unnatural.

The” can be” of the Grayed design is that they can overthink, get overwhelmed, and then avoid. That is dangerous because they tend to shut down and lose their curiosity; it’s as if they leave their post and the controller is now present to do whatever damage they want with no one there to neutralize those hits.

If a Grayed person is at a point where they want to navigate the “Once Upon a Time” dynamic in a healthy way and turn it into their own “happily ever after,” the best thing is to start with listening in the very meticulous ways that the Grayed design is known for. Use your discovery first and when you hear repeated statements that seem peppered or harsh, like, “you think too much,” “You overthink things,” or something else to that effect, that might be the best place to start. You can analyze those relationships. The next step is to engage in conversations. Start by simply asking questions and then looking for open-ended answers that can lead to a healthy conversation. Then that is when you support yourself in asking for what you need. If you need more time, negotiate for it. If you need more answers, ask for help. When someone tells you that you are slow, tell them you are meticulous and ask if they have a specific time in which they need an answer. All these will get you back into your authenticity. Most importantly, stay engaged in finding that healthy place, and then support yourself by staying there.

The Grayed “can be” to get overwhelmed can be a barrier—don’t let it be. If you feel overwhelmed, break down what is overwhelming you personally first, then make a plan for that. If you try and complicate it with what is overwhelming others when you are trying to get your answers it will get you in a place where you spin out because you can’t connect it all. Just make your connections first, then from that healthy place help solve the others. Just stay engaged at all costs. I mean stay engaged in your process and protect it.

One of the best things that the Grayed design offers is your ability to stay calm. Because you tend to be understated and conservative you don’t make bold moves all the time. Most the time you are constant and methodical and that brings a calmness to a room, a conversation, or task. Stay in that value and don’t let anyone convince you that you are not those things. Think about healthy things because your design tends to process what you are focused on.

You deserve your process. You deserve your authentic route. We all do, because everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Whitened Design

Posted on July 15, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Learning about this “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” as we have in the last few weeks is very important to inviting healthy relationships into our lives. Being able to recognize this dynamic in any relationship is as important as recognizing physical systems when we are sick with any physical ailment. When we are not aware of it we run the risk of dismissing it when really we are right in the crossfires of this dynamic. As far as I can see, as long as we can name these dynamics for what they are we are in a much better place to prosper in all aspects of life because we can side-step the unhealthy connection in any relationship.

What does prosper look like?

WHITENED

For the Whitened design, whether or not you prosper is based on how the people around you are interacting and enrolling in any relationship, conversation, or task. They are good at noticing what people like and dislike and they are good at anticipating the needs of others. They pull all of this off in a light and free manner that tends to be nonthreatening. It is part of their charm.

In the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” a controlling person will see these Whitened traits and will prey upon the fact that the Whitened person loves to please and it is important to them that those who they interact with are reasonably happy and comfortable. If that controlling person expresses that they are not happy, it can weigh on the Whitened person. To the degree of the Whitened design in the person is equal to the degree it will weigh on them and also dictates the degree that will act on it. If they cannot come to a reasonable resolution it has a high potential to create hopelessness.

The Projective Identity put on the Whitened person by the controlling person now looks something like a criticism that leads back to a narrative that the Whitened person is careless and not paying attention. The components of the narrative are designed to make the Whitened person feel as if they created this and that they displease others with their carelessness; the controlling person will sometimes go as far as to make the Whitened person feel like they are out of line in some way for putting that much thought and attention into caring about what others think. The Whitened is led to believe that their spontaneity is elaborate and that they are actually irresponsible and illogical for thinking and behaving this way. That is where dominance begins because the controlling person will flood the Whitened person with examples of how responsible and logical they are, and they seem to make it fun and enjoyable. They can go so far as to sell the idea that they please people more than the Whitened does and then the Whitened is now dependent on them not only to deem them OK, but to show them the way back.

Once the Whitened person is in this place of fear, they run the risk of showing up in their “can be.” The can be of the Whitened is they can over-enroll, so it now becomes more evidence and ammunition for the controller in their dynamic to drive them further into believing the narrative.

We have a client that is Whitened. This client values being social and celebrating others. They love to interact with others. They have a keen sense of when someone wants to interact with them and when someone just wants space, and either one is fine with this client. They started out very secure.

They have an insecure person in their family. When the insecure person is not doing well socially and doesn’t seem to be getting what they want, they turn directly to this Whitened person and start accusing them of not being able to show up for people in healthy ways. They will go as far as to convince them that people don’t really like them and their Whitened ways are irritating others. As soon as this comes up, the Whitened person “gets hopping” meaning gets busy to please people more. The more they try, the more this other insecure person brings up evidence of their illogical carelessness that is annoying others. Classic projection!!!

The best way for the Whitened person to navigate their way back to a healthy “Once Upon a Time” and find their version of a “Happily Ever After” is to define happiness for themselves and plant themselves right in that spot. If you are happy and feel good and you add that to respecting others needs, you will navigate yourself right back to that secure place where it will not be as threatening if others are not pleased and happy. You can remain calm and lighthearted even when others are not. If you find yourself in a situation where those around you need space, honor that, but meet your own self care needs in healthy ways. Anticipate your needs and act on them. It’s not selfish because the Whitened person’s attention will quickly be directed to others as soon as someone else comes along. In fact, that secure calmness that you emulate will be a great source of security for yourself and those interacting with you. It is contagious.

I have seen it time and time again, if you decide you want to prosper in any aspect of life, going back to your authentic way of doing things will always lead you to your hopes and dreams. They might take a detour, but if you are true to who you are and what your design and personality is, you will find ways to enjoy the ride while you are being redirected. Stay in your lane and navigate it in a way only you can. Everyone deserves that, and everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time “: How to Prosper in the Saturated Design

Posted on July 9, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

In the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” we talk a lot about the beginning of any journey. We talk about how to learn more about ourselves and love our self so we can relate to others in healthy ways. We talk about how important our beliefs about our self and who we are can be. They can determine whether or not we are controlled in relationships and whether or not we can leave behind unhealthy dynamics. Add all this up and it really has the potential to determine whether or not we are going to prosper in our hopes and dreams.

What does prosper look like for each design? Each week we will look at one design to see what this looks like for them.

SATURATED

For the Saturated design, whether or not we prosper is determined by what that Saturated person deems will hit the mark for them. It is the one or two things that they keep focused on in any dream. They keep that in their sights and they stay focused.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic, where the main character believes what the controlling person in their life has projected on them, the damage is done when it destroys the order around them and the definition of the order of their dreams. Order to someone high in the Saturated design is key, it is like the air they breathe. They thrive when everything is in its prospective place. If you take that order away or more importantly, pervert it, it can have devastating effects on someone that is Saturated. The degree of their Saturated design is equal to the degree of the devastation they will experience. This is the seed of their hopelessness. That hopelessness will now become the main character in their story and everything is organized around that. The fear infused into that narrative is their fuel. All bets are off and they are literally driven by fear.

The projective identity is placed on the Saturated person when the controlling person redefines order and what it looks like in this narrative. They don’t go directly at the Saturated person’s character because that design tends to have a lot of confidence. The dominating person seems to sense this, so they get busy redefining order and what it really looks like. They also add the extra flattering narrative for themselves of how good they are at this new kind of order (defined by them) and they move forward with a false self that appears even more confident than the legitimate and authentic confidence of the Saturated design. This is the hook. The Saturated person is left in self-doubt and that is when they start to consider that the egoic, projected, made up form of order is true. As time goes on and more hits come, they believe it more and more—and those roads all lead to hopelessness for a Saturated person.

The” can be” of the Saturated design plays a role here because they see things in an “all or nothing way.” They move from the confidence of the “all” or “all in” to the helplessness, avoidance, and shut down of the “nothing”, so they tend to feel and do “nothing.”

If you are Saturated, the best way to navigate your way out of this unhealthy version of the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” is to learn about and change the dynamics we talked about last week to move into the new and healthy “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” or starting place. It will lead to “happily ever after” kind of success. The next step is to throw out the narrative. Use that clear-thinking part of you that you already are familiar with and put your sights on whatever gives you clarity. It usually comes in the form of a declaration. Something like, “I can do this, or I’m competent, or I have dignity…” Focus on that one thing and go. Remember that your opinion of yourself in the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” is the only one that counts in this point of your journey. Others will come later when you are healthy. You are the one to define order for yourself and then support yourself in it. It’s not selfish, it’s appropriate. It’s what is needed now. Stamp the statement and the meaning that goes with that declaration in your mind, apply it in your life and all around you. The third thing is to remember to move back to your authenticity. It is full of your values and preferences and defines what makes you feel safe. That will give you the personal power you need to navigate life.

I promise that if you want to prosper in anything, you need to know your authenticity and be able to support yourself enough to use it. Keep in mind that to prosper means to add resources to our life, to add meaning to our life, to obtain dreams, and to meet personal goals that lead to our dreams. The other part of prosper is to enjoy it when you do. It is to be grateful for it and to sit back and watch just how lucky you are to be on your own path and playing out the movie of your life, and not someone else’s script for you.

You are worth it, because everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Getting Our Authentic Self Back After Trauma – The Grayed and Blackened Designs

Posted on June 18, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We talked last week about how trauma, big or small, can take away our authenticity. It is in those small traumas that occur over time that we are at risk of forgetting who we are and losing our sense of self and self-love. It leads us to give up a little confidence in our self each time we experience self-doubt because of a trauma. Remember, a trauma is anything life changing or that changes life as it was. Someone treating you harshly or really inflicting pain in any way can be considered traumatic and has potential to hit our authenticity. As a personality profiler, it is important to me that if you have experienced this on any level, run as fast as you can back to you authentic self.

When I am picking colors for any project, I consider which ones I will use based on what communication is needed. Last week I talked about how the Saturated and Whitened colors both need to shine; this week let’s talk about Grayed and Blackened.

If the colors selected are Grayed or Blackened, one component that needs to be present, no matter what color it is, is that both these designs relate better to the communication if they are matte. It is common in both designs that the communication is a little more understated. They like things more organic.

It is the same when these types of people are relating to others. Part of experiencing trauma is so much light and attention is shining on the person in a trauma, and just that fact alone can be even more traumatic. When someone in this design gets criticized for wanting to navigate the consequences of the experience in a more understated way, it can lead to extreme behavior in an attempt to protect themselves and get out of the spotlight. This can become a safety strategy over time.

Getting your authenticity back after a trauma
We had a client that experienced this. This client was desperate to find employment but had been treated harshly in past employment. The effects on this client were pretty damaging and in an attempt to keep it in a quiet place they just quietly and without any disruption left and looked for another job. The problem is that part of the criticism from the former boss led them to not trust anyone. In the interviews for each job, the minute the interviewer would ask questions about how they put themselves out there it created fear in our client. In an attempt to combat that fear, they would shut down and malfunction. Needless to say, the job hunting wasn’t going well for a while.

It is important to remember that the Grayed loves things matte and organic but in a refined way. Things that are understated but have been put through a process to make them even more desirable and legitimate. It is the same with the Grayed person. They love to be conservative but in their authenticity it still should be processed and analyzed in calm ways to make things more desirable. More desirable results equals more desirable conversations. The depth of things is where the Grayed design does its best work. Getting in and looking at all contingencies. That is the way back to authenticity.

It is also important to remember that the Blackened design loves thing matte and organic but in an earthy way. Just the way it is and was created. It is what it is. So the understated nature of the Blackened is the “no fuss” part of being in a conversation, or a dynamic, almost always as part of a task. That is the way back to the Blackened authenticity.

Being understated, conservative, or matte is so beautiful, and is a great way to navigate your way back from trauma. Find those things around you that make you feel safe in this form of authenticity. The road back to that place is filled with a collection of understated quiet conversations, calm interactions, and natural and organic experiences. To get there, find someone or something that will fulfill those needs. If they don’t relate to that design its ok, just find someone who will support it and celebrate it. Engage and put effort into things. It’s okay to pace it. Be matte and go deep into things. It is a beautiful way to find the romance and creation of your life.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook