Tag: relationships

Opposites Attract: Celebrating the Differences (The Grayed Design)

Posted on April 30, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Learning to appreciate the opposite attraction in all of our close relationships will enhance all aspects of those relationships, but it is our job to pay attention to it and to keep it in the proper perspective. To many times as humans we forget to look at that important opposite tension in our relationships, and instead of letting it do its job naturally and keep the relationship growing, I fear that sometimes we put it in the “annoyance” category and let it get in the way of growth. This has great potential to break down relationships without us even noticing that it is doing so. In some cases, we don’t notice it until it feels too late to do something about it.

I will tell you that it is never too late to do something about it if you value healthy relationships.

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We’ve already discussed this opposite tension with the Saturated, Whitened, and Blackened designs, so let’s talk this week about Grayed.

The Grayed design loves details and they love taking their time in relationships. It is part of the romance, no matter what stage of the relationship you are in. If you are on the front end and in the “getting to know each other” part of the relationship, you will notice that they love to take time and really evaluate the connection. At the same time though, they also are internalizing those connections and really enjoying them and living them as they do that analysis. If you find yourself in the “years later” part of a relationship, they have connected with you through your history and they are deeply loyal to that type of connection.

Grayed with Saturated People
Because of the fact that Grayed people love to take their time to analyze everything, the opposite clear-thinking aspect of a Saturated person is very attractive to a Grayed person. They admire their ability to sequence and move forward with competence in each decision. On the other hand, it can become a barrier to getting closer to the Grayed design because that can later come across as immovable and rigid to a Grayed person. They might take that initial admiration for precision and later see it as a reason to lose credibility with them and also with others.

Grayed with Whitened People
The Whitened design moves quickly and spontaneously, and to a Grayed person that is attractive because it feels free. They feel full of life and can even bring a Grayed person along and nudge them a little. It is very attractive to the Grayed design for an amount of time. It can, however, lose credibility when components of the relationship start to have a pattern of losing their conservatism and seem random to the Grayed person. It can be very threatening to the Grayed design’s way of life.

Grayed with Blackened People
The Blackened design is initially very attracted to the thoroughness and conservative nature of the Grayed design. They both love to mute anything too bright or dramatic, so the opposite attraction can seem very comfortable in the beginning, but if not navigated in a healthy way with healthy independence, both designs take completely different routes to getting their needs meet. That might make each design think that things are changing when it comes to the attraction, when they really are not. The Blackened will get busy trying to fix the problem, which might seem forceful to the Grayed design. That can also seem like a confrontation and Grayed people are very uncomfortable with confrontation. The more the Blackened person forces the issue, the more the Grayed tends to avoid the issue all together.

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Again, it is so important to navigate and collaborate from the position of the initial attraction, by remembering how important it was to us when we first met the person in our relationship. Letting people be free to express themselves in their authenticity is required in celebrating each other in opposite relationships.

And just as an interesting final note…we seem to have a habit of surrounding ourselves with our opposite designs, that’s just the way we tend to set up close relationships. That makes it even more important to remember and learn to navigate this important concept of “Opposites Attract.”

It is also equally important to remember that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Opposites Attract: Celebrating the Differences (The Blackened Design)

Posted on April 23, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

“We just don’t see things the same way.”

“I just don’t get why they do things that way, it makes no sense to me.”

“No matter how much I try to talk sense into them they just can’t see it.”

Again, I have heard all of these, which just reaffirms how important the concept of “opposites attract” is to understand.

Whether it is in romantic or committed relationships, work relationships, or just socially interacting, learning to really appreciate that “opposites attract” is crucial to human interaction and to finding happiness in relating with others. Conflict and attraction go hand in hand, and understanding both and, more importantly, learning to accept that they have to exist together, is key. It is a part of that beautiful tension that keeps us connected.

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We have already talked in past weeks about the Saturated and Whitened designs, let’s talk this week about the way opposites attract with the Blackened Design.

The Blackened design is so logical and practical; that is part of the strength of the design. They love the fix and when there is a problem they just move to solutions. They nurture through tasks and that is often how they connect with others.

Blackened with Saturated People
Blackened relates well to the Saturated design. They both relate to logic, and even though it manifests in different ways, they still appreciate it in each other. Where the opposite attraction lies is in the contrast between the Saturated introverted appropriateness and the Blackened extroverted assertiveness. The Saturated way of coping will feel aloof to the Blackened, who will jump into a “fix it” mentality. They might have a logic war, and in conflict Saturated will tend to withhold and Blackened will tend to get forceful.

Blackened with Whitened People
The Whitened design can be attracted to the stability and structure of the Blackened design. They will love the feeling of that in the beginning. As time goes on however, if they are not careful, they will move into a place where they might see that same dynamic as stifling and controlling and feel that their spontaneity is threatened. The Blackened might feel out of control with the Whitened light-hearted approach to everything and feel the need to change them into a more structured person. This is a dangerous game because it moves them out of being someone to interact with and they will find themselves in a parental-type role instead.

Blackened with Grayed People
The Grayed design is very attracted to the strength and abruptness of the Blackened design’s ability to move on things. It is rejuvenating to be around a Blackened person, especially if the Grayed person is feeling overwhelmed or avoidant. This will last as long as the honeymoon phase of the relationship lasts. If we don’t keep the concept of “opposites attract” in its healthy place, the potential for an extreme change to take place is high. When the Grayed person moves into an analytical place and starts to over think the Blackened’s directness, the Grayed person could see that as too direct or even abrupt, and start to be embarrassed by the attention that it might bring to the couple.

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The best approach is to always try to see what we loved when it comes to our opposite. Remember how it felt when we first experienced it. It is also critical to remember that we always have our own autonomy and it is not defined by others. This is important because it frees us up to be independent and allows us, and others, to accept and celebrate the differences, even in a committed relationship. The best part of relationships is that we are all different, and when someone is our opposite we need to accept, and even go as far as to anticipate, the differences.

Just pause every once in a while to see just how beautiful they are and recite to ourselves what it is that we love about the opposite design. It will put us in a place to love deeper, negotiate in a healthier way, get more needs meet, and definitely gain a deeper understanding. We all need that, and we all crave validation for who we are. Loving the other person in our opposite attraction is the first step into letting them influence us for the better. This is important to navigating any relationships.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Opposites Attract: Celebrating the Differences (The Whitened Design)

Posted on April 16, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

“Why doesn’t my mom fix the disposal instead of putting polka dots on the cake?”

“Why don’t I love and admire my spouse like I did when we first met?”

“I used to criticize my daughter because she is so opposite of me. Through Human Art I am back to appreciating who she is and how she is made.”

These are all statements that I have heard about the Whitened design from the other designs and personalities.

One of the most important things that come out of being willing to recognize how important it is to have opposite dynamics in our close relationships, is a chance for us to grow. If we were all the same design it would be too easy. We would all agree all the time; there would be no need to compromise or negotiate. I do admit there are moments that we wish we were the same, but having opposites gives us the opportunity to take someone else’s perspective. It enhances our individual relationships, our family relationships, and our community relationships.

It is impossible to have empathy if you do not have the ability to take someone else’s perspective. Without taking someone else’s perspective it is also difficult to validate. Taking time to really slow down, to be curious about the opposite dynamics or central focus in all of the relationships in our life, is critical to strong relationships.

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When it comes to the Whitened design, some things that are important to know about them in relationships is that they are socially driven and they love to enroll in a spontaneous way. They have no guile, so when someone criticizes them without empathy, they don’t even relate to that and the criticism feels hurtful. They also love to anticipate the needs of others. The Whitened person is quick to surrender their perspective to the other designs’, but with a cost. They will walk away with resentment, and their version of pushing back is to shut down the relationship.

So let’s talk a little about the dynamics of the Whitened design with the other three:

Whitened with Saturated People
The Saturated person is quality driven and focused on their sequencing and is driven by that agenda, so when the Whitened person starts to feel that inflexibility, the Saturated person in the relationship starts to lose credibility with them. The Saturated person usually feels this, so in an attempt to gain control of the situation they become more strict with trying to restore order and that has great potential to come across as rigid to the Whitened personality.

Whitened with Grayed People
The Grayed personality is driven by attention to the details. They are connectors, and they do not like change without thoroughly thinking through the possibilities and contingencies. The Whitened person moves so quickly and has a great deal of flexibility, so taking time to think things through can sometimes frustrate the Whitened personality. They want to move with spontaneity and see where things take them, so they might view the Grayed person as stalling or being too conservative.

Whitened with Blackened People
The Blackened personality just wants to get things done, they focus on the fix. They are direct and honest to help protect. The Whitened personality, however, can see this as stepping over the feelings of those in the relationship and then they don’t want “the fix” because they believe it was at the cost of the relationship. The Blackened could see too many feelings as dramatic whereas feelings are key to the Whitened who sees them as the foundation of relationships.

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The important part of all these dynamics, again, is curiosity—being curious about the differences and accepting them, then negotiating from that place. When we love our own authenticity but also create space in our thinking for the authenticity of others’, we are strengthening our capacity to love those in our life with opposite designs and have richer interactions and deeper connections.

So this week dive deeper into our important relationships, and instead of comparing them to ourselves and criticizing them, think of life through their lens. If we are confused when we try to do that, just clarify with them; ask questions and get to know them better. They will love that and you will get to know them better and love them more. It will work, I promise, because everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Opposites Attract: Celebrating the Differences (The Saturated Design)

Posted on April 9, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

“Human Art should start its own matching website!” or, “which design is the best match for me?” Also, “My spouse driving me crazy, I was so attracted to them in the beginning, everything they did back then was amazing and now it irritates me, what is wrong with me?”

These are common statements we hear at Human Art and have heard over and over again through the years. It all ties into one concept that we have all heard many times before: “Opposites attract!” It is usually said casually, when there is no real answer to relationship challenges; it just seems to be the safe thing to say when answering someone’s complaint about relationship woes. But it really is so true, and to me it is an important concept when it comes to relationships.

In my opinion as a personality profiler that has worked with thousands of people, and a lot of them in relationships, the fact that opposites attract is not just a simple and small dynamic that we brush over in conversations every once in a while, but a REQUIRED piece of any good relationship. It is the beautiful tension that keeps us together in relationships, whether the relationship is with a spouse, a partner, or a good friend. It is the fact that we are opposite that holds us together.

Let’s illustrate this with an example that I use a lot to explain this dynamic: the opposite attraction in color. If I were asked to decorate a table with an orange tablecloth, I would most certainly use a blue centerpiece in the middle of the table. The reason is that blue and orange are opposite on the color wheel so they have an attraction to each other. It lies in the fact that they are comparative colors. Blue is blue, but it appears to be even more blue when compared to its opposite: orange. The same with orange. Orange is orange but appears so much more intense when compared to blue. So in relationships, if blue and orange were dating they would be attracted to each other. The blue would love the intensity of the orange and how alive and vibrant it is, and the orange would love the calmness of the blue and its intangible and dreamy nature.

Just like in nature and color, we as humans are attracted to our opposite. We admire those traits that we don’t possess, and we tend to be drawn to them and desire to run after them, to experience them through that person. Then when we are in a committed relationship, in the moment that we deem that person “ours,” we make the mistake of thinking they are a reflection of us. We start the process of trying to change them to be more like us. The challenge with that is that one, if we change them into us, we cease to be attracted to them; and two, it is robbing them of their autonomy and their design, and the appreciation of it. If blue tried to change orange and orange tried to change blue, the result would be the same as when you mix blue and orange paint—it neutralizes any hue and you are left with a dull neutral. The same thing happens in relationships: if we don’t appreciate the traits of the other, if we try to change them, we neutralize the relationship.

As far as what relationship is best for you (this seems to be something that many people are curious about), I answer this the same way every time. It is not so much who is the best match for you, but where the attraction lies when you put your designs side by side. Let me explain it this way: you would not be attracted to someone with your exact design. There would be little variety. It would be like eating peas and peas for dinner. The important thing to focus on is, where does the opposite dynamic lie in each other’s personalities or design? Sometimes it is in your predominant designs, the ones we are strongest in, other times it is in our second or third design. The important thing is to identify it, and them remember to celebrate it in each other.

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Let’s talk this week about the Saturated design, and we’ll cover one design per week in the following weeks. It is authoritative and private in relationships. They like to keep conversations and dynamics between them and their significant other in relationships. You can start to see in what way it is opposite to other designs….

Saturated with Whitened People…
They love the outgoing nature of the Whitened person. They love that they can interact and engage others with ease. They feel loved in an unconditional way that they would never even let them love themselves. The challenge would be in seeing those same traits as a negative so they might, later in the relationship, see the beautiful outgoing nature of the Whitened as too open with others, and could go as far as feeling an invasion of their privacy in a relationship.

Saturated with Grayed People…
They love their meticulous thought process and appreciate their calmness and how much they think about things. They would certainly see that as quality, which is a key trait to the Saturated design. Over time, they could run the risk of seeing that same trait as slow, and taking too long to make up their mind, which means they could potentially resent them, or the Grayed person could lose credibility in their mind.

Saturated with Blackened People…
They would love the warmth and the directness of the Blackened person. They would see their casual nature as charming and would love their freedom to say what they think and let others know where they stand. They would love how they are quick to protect those they love. Over time they run the risk of seeing them as too blunt and inappropriate and would see their resourcefulness as a fault, not a strength. They would pull back and want the Blackened person to pick their battles, but also not pick too many battles.

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As you can see if we don’t remember to celebrate and see the traits that we are drawn to as the beautiful traits that others see in them, we run the dangerous relationship risk of disqualifying them, and credibility is lost, which can lead to depreciation of the relationship.

As you go through your week, think of all the people you love and want to pull closer. Instead of thinking of them with a desire for them to think and be like you, try finding all the ways they are not like you and find those beautiful ways in which they are completely your opposite. When you do, I want you to stop and take in the fact that you have that beautiful relationship tension with them and then draw them even closer by telling them how much you admire those traits. Make sure they understand that you don’t possess that trait or personality and that you are so glad that you have it in your life through them.

If you take the time to do this, I promise that you will not only have more appreciation and love for those that are not exactly like you, but you will find that the appreciation circles around and comes back to you. It works so instantly it is like its own relationship magnetic field. You will love more, you will find more gratitude in life, and those around you.

While you are practicing this week, also remember one more thing…everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Human Art Presents: The Twelve Ways of Christmas – Good Relationship Gifts

Posted on December 18, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We all have to be creative when we give those we love a different gift each year. Trying to come up with something they will enjoy and that will give that feeling of excitement and joy can be a challenge after a few years of giving to the same person. One gift that has the potential to bring deep joy and connection, and is also the same each time (in fact consistency just enhances the power of it), is the gift of a healthy relationship. It is also a gift that is not just gifted on Christmas but every day of the year. That is the gift of a good healthy relationship. So my song choice this week is the “Twelve Days of Christmas” but I offer you a different version: The Twelve Ways of Christmas for a healthy relationship.

Human Art presents:The 12 Ways of Christmas…
that your true love can give you
which lead to healthy relationships!!!

The first way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Real emotions to share with me.

Real emotions are true vulnerability. True vulnerability is being honest about how you feel. True vulnerability is having the courage to be honest with yourself about how you feel and being honest when you express your emotions with others. It takes integrity to be vulnerable. It also requires character to be strong enough to be honest even when it is difficult. It is also important to have safe conditions when we are honest. Creating that in relationships can be a lot of work but is worth the effort when it leads to the gift of a healthy relationship.

The second way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Attention and loves. That is a skill that always helps when it comes to overlapping or co-regulating a conversation or a relationship. We know we are co-regulating when both people in a conversation or interaction are holding each other’s emotions and feelings safe. They are giving those emotions the required amount of attention and love. They are not preoccupied with their own feelings and emotions because the other person is holding them safe for them which leaves them free to focus on other’s needs. If both participants in the interaction are doing their part, no one’s emotions are left unattended. In this dynamic it becomes almost instinctive to reach out to the other person and offer some level of love for them.

The third way of Christmas my true love gave to me
See through my lens,
Attention and loves
And real emotions to share.

See through my lens. That means exactly what it says. The gift or the skill to put your emotions aside and see things through your partner’s lens. To be fully present and trying in some way to walk through an experience just the way they did. Curious about emotions that other person might have experienced and why they experienced them that way. It is one of the truest forms of kindness, it is true compassion and it is a beautiful gift to give.

The fourth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

More kind words and less labels. Labels are those peppered words that we shout out when we are mad or frustrated. They are an attempt to gain control in any power struggle. Yes, they are effective at first because they startle others, but that power or control only lasts about 4 seconds and, because of the harshness that accompanies them, you quickly move out of a place of control and into a rapid decline in respect and credibility. Some labels can be so destructive that it might feel impossible to recover from them. We might even be in a situation where we cannot recover from them and it is at the expense of the relationship. Kind words are always a way to keep things neutral in a relationship. It leaves us all in a safe and neutral place. We are not ignoring the negative we are just in a safe place to express those negative feelings. We create a culture where people can tolerate a discussion about negative dynamics for a much longer amount of time, so much more is accomplished and so much more understanding is achieved.

The fifth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

HARMONY SINGS….Harmony – “in agreement or concord” – what a beautiful gift. When we agree to let each other be and feel and experience life in the way they see it or experience it we are literally celebrating that person with an astounding amount of compassion and empathy. We know when we are in that place because we find our self curious and full of discovery. We eliminate assumptions and we ask questions. We have fewer urges to control, and more listening takes place. The best part of harmony is it feels good to all and every one leaves the interaction feeling validated and loved. When we both feel validated and we are in agreement (sometimes to disagree) we are now at a point where we can start the process of negotiating with each other.

The sixth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Gee wiz- just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

“Gee wiz-Just sayin’.” This one speaks to criticism (self and others) verses appreciation. In relationships the old saying “what you focus on will grow,” is so true. If we focus on what is unfair or unmet needs instead of what we are grateful for, it potentially can become a bigger problem in our relationships. I am not suggesting to ignore unhealthy dynamics, just the opposite, I am saying to resolve them in a healthy manner. Resolve them at the time. Use good communication and collaboration skills and develop the dynamics. Turn them from weaknesses in the relationships to strengths and healthy hallmarks of how you interact. If we resolve them in a reasonable manner and time, we free up more time and energy to focus on what we appreciate about each other.

The seventh way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No right fights, just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

No right fights-just winning… In destructive relationships or in digression when interacting with others, we often find we waste a lot of time “right fighting.” The need to be right starts to replace healthy validation and we lose our ability in the interaction to read social cues correctly. This is due to a survival system that kicks in during right fighting and is primitive in nature. We start malfunctioning. We find ourselves narrow in out pursuit to be right. If we can abort the mission of right fighting and engage in healthy self reflection (not easy I know) it will lead to solutions where we can all walk away validated and a winner, which then leads to a feeling of connection not isolation.

The eighth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Positive not sulking,
no right fights, just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’
HARMONY SINGS
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Positive not sulking. This way speaks to a victim stance or victim identity. Some people don’t believe they can get their own vulnerability. They don’t believe in needs meet through solutions. this is due to the fact they have not had good results with it. For that reason they find it difficult to stay solution focused, so instead of developing the ability to effect a situation for good they seem to find more success in identifying with their injury or victimhood (keep in mind they most likely have experienced a significant injury so don’t minimize that fact) and attempt to get needs met through being a victim. It works short term but in the long run wears relationships out and ends up alienating those who love them. They simply wear them out. We all have an injury of some sort. If we can identify with positive solutions and thriving after an injury, it puts us back on track to pulling people close to us again in a happy solutions focused way of interacting.

The ninth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Celebrate and dancing… in other words bring the romance of Christmas into the relationship.
In fact, do this one all year long. This means spending time together. Offering the appropriate amount of attention that is needed for the relationship or interaction. Negotiate how much attention is needed. That act in and of itself is one of the best ways to develop deep and meaningful connections. Sacrifice the time you use for other things and put that energy into the relationships that are important. It will only produce good things. Make sure to be in a place emotionally were you are committed to celebrating your partner in the relationship and take the time to focus on them. If they are healthy, they will in turn focus on you. If they don’t, that is just good information.

The tenth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
Keeping promises,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Keeping promises is really speaking to the skills of commitment and your word. This is an important skill to have in any relationship. It is an identity characteristic and it is another requirement in healthy relationships. Not everyone in a relationship is strong in this area, and that is ok, not all is lost. We just have to get busy developing it. When we commit to something and we don’t have the skill to see it through we have 2 choices. We can get vulnerable and express this concern or barrier with those we love and ask for help to develop that character trait, or we can renegotiate with the other person or persons involved to better meet the needs of everyone involved and still allow for conditions to push past the barrier. The key is being open and honest. If we have made a commitment and we don’t renegotiate we can see the commitment through and then learn from it to better negotiate the next time. The key is to keep our word.

The eleventh way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No complaints and griping,
Promises keeping,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz -just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

Griping and complaining is a form of passivity. It is a passive-aggressive way to communicate in a relationship when words cannot be used. When healthy communication and collaboration goes out of a relationship, it is quickly replaced with resentment and the new language of complaining and griping replaces it and it is now the dialog that is used. When this happens, find a way to put abruptly put everyone involved into a renegotiation to get back to using communication. Ask for help if needed.

The twelfth way of Christmas my true love gave to me
No checking out and numbing,
No complaints and gripping,
Promise keeping,
Celebrate and dancing,
Positive not sulking,
No right fights just winning,
Gee wiz-just sayin’,
HARMONY SINGS,
More kind words,
See through my lens,
Attention and loves,
And real emotions to share with me.

This last way, no checking out and numbing, is a skill that is an internal form of aggression. It is better known as avoidance. It is interesting to observe that in a relationship when we find avoidance, the person doing the avoiding has a survival way of thinking, “if I avoid this it will just freeze and wait for me to come back and deal with it when I want.” That is the bad joke it plays on everyone involved, the avoidant person and all the others experiencing the consequences of the avoidance. It does not freeze. The others in the relationship are forced to pick up and deal with the situation without the avoidant parties engagement or feedback so in turn they are left in a position to give no feedback or preferences. Life just moves on and dynamics change, people make choices, and eventually you see the avoidance did not freeze at all. It just left things to keep rolling UNATTENDED by the avoidant party and leads to destructive consequences that are worse later. Make sure there are healthy and safe communication skills for all parties to re-engage to negotiate barriers and affect relationships and dynamics for good.

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The truth is, we interact with a lot of good humans at Human Art. Each year we see in some cases sadness. Sadness due to the fact that things in their relationship are not fulfilling and they are not finding the joy and attention that they want and crave. They all seem to love the person that they desire it from. That is the point. They love them.

Try giving these gifts. Try all of them. If you can’t do that, just try a few. Find someone that you are not getting along with and just implement one of these skills. Try giving one to yourself. It is also self-care. Give one to the person the closest to you, even if things are going well. It will continue to strengthen the relationship. Let your loved one know of your intention and see what you get in return.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook