One of my little family’s favorite vacations in the past was going with a group of extended family members to our cabin near beautiful Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It is approximately 5 hours by car. This distance is very important because it is a 5-hour journey through some of the most beautiful country you have ever seen. The brilliance in this journey is that there are 4 different routes that you can pick from, each one with a different menu of landmarks, historical sights and, for us, even family history. There are also eating places to stop and experience in a way that you can’t experience anywhere else. The question is which one to take each time. It sounds a bit like Heaven and has the potential to feel that way, but it is not; and let me tell you why.
With this particular group of family, the speed in which you arrive is equal to how perfect you are in the family relationship. Let me state this again: your arrival time added to the route that you took, yes how fast you got there, is how you find value in this family dynamic.
As each group of cars arrives at the beautiful cabin, the driver’s first item of business is to announce the route he took and how quickly he has gotten there. Some have even boosted their credibility in this family system by adding stories of getting pulled over because they were driving so fast. The more people you have in your car to cater to or the more adversity you experienced on the drive, like a flat tire or terrible slow drivers, just seems to add to your credibility. There is usually little mention to the beautiful scenery.
As silly as this might be, it is a dynamic that is played out daily in our families and close relationships. It is perfectionism at its best.
I feel as if we as humans also get in our vehicles of navigating relationships and decide which route we are going to take and go full throttle forward in a quest to arrive at this projection of perfection; to say, “I AM PERFECT AND NO ONE CAN BEAT MY TIME.”
The danger in this is that though we have the right to make this decision for our self—the right to navigate relationships this way, running for a projection of perfection in the way we think will make us look or appear to be a perfect human (it’s not healthy but we still can choose that way)—we often enlist our passengers (those around us that we love) to come along for the ride and ask them to project the same narrative of perfection.
We see it all the time. The parent that has an idea of what their projection of perfection might look like and the speed or rate in which it is supposed to be obtained. When the child or loved one does anything to mess that plan up, everyone pays. How about the significant other? Once the partner deems them “theirs” they start the process of going through their journey, or route, through life in the mindset that that spouse is now somehow a direct reflection on them and their perceived projection (do not expose or slow them down!). We are all guilty of this to some degree. That is just how we are as humans.
Stop…I promise it does not work.
I’m calling it for everyone, including myself, once and for all. Stop this narrative of performing to belong. Don’t get me wrong, performing is good. Significance is good. It is critical to evolving and becoming better. It’s how we propel forward and it is where progression lives. Achieving is great! It is about how we are going about it and about getting our significance through the correct source.
That source should be our authenticity, our learning, and our process. It is all about getting significance through our uniqueness, and our talents, and character. The best part of that is that we don’t have to be perfect—we can be human. We can make mistakes and not all is lost. We can slow down and look at the scenery and decide what we like and don’t like. We can take back roads and detours and learn from them. And the place we arrive at is perfect in who we are; filled with what we have learned, what we like, love, or dislike. It is our autonomy and we write it. We don’t project it. It is not a narrative, it is a story that unfolds daily, and we can’t wait to see what happens next. We are partnered with those we love and curiosity to see what the next chapter is, and we all have the right to choose a route and see what we get from it; with the right to back up and choose another route with the support of others to see what we get from that one.
It is critical to drive forward in our authenticity, our design.
If you are Saturated, find your one most important thing that you want to see from the route you take. Pick your version of quality and communicate it to those around you, then move forward with the ability to change the route if you are not achieving the quality you need. Don’t get stuck in being unmovable.
If you are Whitened, make it social and thrive in change. Make it about the people you are with. Anticipate needs, enroll others, and make it safe. Avoid the urge to get random if you are not getting enough spontaneity. Communicate your intent and keep the environment safe and neutral. That is what you are good at.
if you are really pondering this article then I would suspect you are Grayed. Start the process of connecting and romancing the details of this trip through life. You have a beautiful flexibility that can process ahead as to all the can be’s might be’s, etc. You are brilliant at possibilities. Yes, you can create more routes. Four routes will never be enough for you. Drive ahead but resist the urge to avoid if it doesn’t look good. Stay engaged, ask questions. When you feel like avoiding, stay in for a few more minutes. It will serve you and all of the others involved.
If you are already lining things up to fix this you are Blackened. The “get ‘er done” people. You are the ones that are prone to stop and help someone with a flat tire or a broken down vehicle, so stop. Serve, love, and listen. There is so much more to fix if you will listen. You can still be moving forward and working while you listen. Just stay open as you move, don’t get forceful. Casualness is your hallmark; you can enroll and influence anyone if it is neutral and casual.
So let’s once and for all on this great earth stop this destructive dynamic of performing to belong. We are better than that. We are to intelligent. Let’s perform to be human.
And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.
Brook