An important component of rapprochement is to be present enough when interacting with a child that you get what is original about that child, and not to project on to them what it is that we want them to be; in other words, to make them like us, or make them navigate more in our own design instead of theirs. We fall into the trap sometimes of thinking that since our design traits work so well for us that others would benefit if they would just use them. This is not always the case. They can definitely learn from us and our traits, but originally as a child is navigating life, he or she does better when exploration is done organically, in their own design and growing their own authenticity.
This is where we would do well to follow them in their discovery. They can then circle around and plug in some of the strengths from others’ designs that will strengthen their character and leads to a more expanded autonomy and independence. If we fail to allow the authentic growth of the child and we can’t get them to give in to our way of doing things, it tends to put the attending adult (us) in distress as well as the child. Then you end up with two infants having a temper tantrum. We are both in a fight for our own autonomy and both feel it at a soul level. It can hit a traumatic level where, more often than not, the child gives in and surrenders their autonomy—forsaking their authenticity. This is due to the threat of the caretaker holding their survival in their hands.
In relationships, adults can do this to each other as well. It is especially true if you have a dynamic where there is an imbalance of power in a relationship. Where there is sometimes a fight for power and control. The more dominating adult plays the caretaker roll and the less dominating adult plays the child roll (infantile regression). This imbalance of power is where you might see this dynamic most, but any adult can fall into this trap because we all love our own way of doing things
This month we are focusing on what the rapprochement needs are in each design. Today let’s talk about the Whitened design.
What tends to overwhelm a Whitened person, and how do they find relief?
A Whitened person is socially driven, so their social circles are very important to them. In other words, ALL their relationships are important to them. One of the indicators of how they are doing in relationships is measured by how happy the people in those circles or relationships are. They love to please others and they do it with no agenda. They just want to enroll each person in these relationships in a lighthearted way. They use their advanced social intelligence (that usually comes with them, even when they are very young) to match others’ emotions.
The Whitened person can get very overwhelmed when someone does not follow them in what is emotionally important to them. This is particularly devastating to them because they spend a lot of attention on the other person to make sure they feel secure in their relationship and they are quick to anticipate needs. When that is not reciprocated, they don’t get mad, they find themselves confused, and engage in a halted type of preoccupation.
Another thing that can really get them overwhelmed is when someone gets angry with them. If this is an adult that is their primary caregiver, this dynamic will be even more devastating. It will feel as if all is lost with this person and they will then react in their type of pushback, which is random, or might seem obnoxious. It is an attempt to alarm the caregiver that they feel alienated and they are completely overwhelmed. It can often embarrass them, and this embarrassment is their form of shut down.
If you want to match their enthusiasm, follow that heightened social intelligence and have that heightened awareness of them and what is going on around them. Follow how these dynamics are affecting them instead of how it is affecting you. If you navigate in that order you can then interject correct principals that are important to you and have helped you. They will absorb them and remember them because it is done in an emotionally safe environment; the kind that they tend to thrive in.
If you want to support them when they are overwhelmed, enroll them in a social and active engagement. Keep it light—they love to banter in lighthearted teasing that is designed to build them up not embarrass them. They love playful activities or conversations, no matter if they are children or adults. They are extroverted, so they will want to socialize what just happened—they literally just want to bounce it off you. If you are not in the mood to do so, you don’t have to socialize it or process it, you can just listen in a light and happy way. When they are small, they might not be able to articulate what the dynamics are, but they will most likely tell you how they absorbed or experienced the dynamic from their view. Where an adult might say, “I was angry with how you handled that,” the child will only be able to say, “you hurt me.” If you are the adult, don’t bite on that; they are not criticizing you they are trying to tell you what happened to them. They are telling you THEY did something to make you mad and they don’t understand it, or they are saying, “it’s on me.”
Here is an example. A client’s daughter is Whitened. She loves to please her family, especially her mother. She works hard on those things that make her mom happy and proud of her, but when it comes to the things she spontaneously does in the day to day play in life, her mom does not relate to them. She gets confused when she so enthusiastically enrolls her mom to see what she just came up with and is met with a look or reaction that is full of confusion but looks a bit like disdain. This would annihilate the Whitened child, and she felt like all was lost in the relationship when really the mother is just confused and trying to connect the behavior to a threat or a future negative pattern in the child’s character. In reality, it is not that deep for the Whitened child. They are just skipping through the day in free movement and expression and it is not designed to cement into a future pattern, just an expression of the happy state they are in today. However, when the parent gives off the displeased cue, the child then reacts in a way that looks like negative attention but is just a desperate attempt to establish connection with the parent. At this point they will take it in a negative way if that is the only option, and will repeat the behavior to elicit more connection.
In these situations, if we could just follow the Whitened child and unpack what it is they experience and how they are blaming themselves or are confused about the relationship, we can offer relief through reassurance that we love them and that the social circle we share with them is intact. That is literally all they need to move out of the negative space. A little lighthearted banter, like a tickle or a funny expression, will always bring the light back into the conversation and the child is in a better place to express their feelings the next time they feel this dynamic. Keep in mind they love change so you will probably never experience the same thing twice, but consistently getting to the bottom of their confusion is the key.
If you are Whitened, or have high amounts of Whitened in your design, go through this week identifying when you are feeling overwhelmed. Identify what social circle or relationship is affected and move to offer yourself your own rapprochement. This will go far in bringing healthy dynamics back to the relationship that is affected. In other words, be your own best friend. If you learn to support yourself and always have the relationship you have with yourself intact, then you are in a healthy place. You will always have one consistent relationship that is in good condition and will offer relief when things might not be going well with others. Create that light environment for yourself so that you always have a place to thrive. Sometimes Whitened people have to flip the golden rule to, “do unto yourself as you would do unto others.” You have got to love yourself before you can truly love others in a healthy way.
Love others as you do, love yourself as you should, and always remember: everyone is a masterpiece.
Brook
RELATED POSTS:
Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed, Part 1
Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We Are Overwhelmed, Part 3
Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed, Part 4