Remembering to provide relief when one is overwhelmed is the simplest and most basic principle that I learned when considering the concept of rapprochement. I would like to add that in my opinion as a personality profiler, we also cannot underestimate the importance of offering relief that is central to the person’s design and the consequences to the relationship with that person when we fail to do so. Simply put, you cannot substitute your own way of feeling better or finding relief, for the other person’s way of finding relief. It just doesn’t work. In that moment they are not looking for a class, or lecture, or any type of learning experience; they just need to get out of this awful swirl of being overwhelmed so they can be in an equal or neutral place so they can function again. Once they reach that point they are more open to information. It would be like offering a person A NICE COLD REFRESHING DRINK OF WATER when they are drowning. It’s just not what they need to survive at that particular moment. It might make sense to you, because you just left the desert and that was just the thing that provided so much relief to you. So it’s a very compassionate offer, just not what fits that space at that time.
For example: if a child has a list of things they need to bring to school to get an A in the class, they would bring it to you immediately after school with excitement and telling you that they are going to have the opportunity to contribute to the class with their list in a way no one else can. You can see their efficacy growing as they are talking. If the parent reacts in a negative way (possibly overwhelmed with financial demands, but taking it out on the school system), they run the risk of overwhelming the child by either communicating directly or indirectly a refusal to provide the items on the list. The child is left in a desperate place. On one hand they want to contribute to the class and take pressure off the teacher by doing their part, on the other, they want to support to the parent by not putting pressure on the already stretched parent. Unfortunately, they cannot really provide either in a real way. They are just learning the concepts but are not in a place to be completely responsible. They are left hopeless to solve this. The parent might see the emotional distress and need for rapprochement but then offers it in a way that they so desperately need it, through emotional support. They know they always make it each month but with very little excess, so they would just need a little pep talk or someone to understand. So that is exactly what they offer the child. But in this instance, though the child does need a pep talk, more importantly he has a TASK and he needs it fulfilled and he has no power to do so. In this particular space the rapprochement in a task-oriented way is the solution. He is focused on the charge or task to “just provide the list.”
We can experience this same dynamic as adults. Although we have grown-up efficacy, we still have many tasks that need to be checked off each day. Despite our best efforts, we can fall short of checking them all off and may need others to step in and take a few. It’s not that we can’t do them or don’t have the capacity to accomplish them, it is the sheer volume that we cannot always fulfill. Still, from a director position we delegate a few to others (members of a family, other co-workers, other people in our social circles) but the same negative reactivity or possibly the communication of refusal can find its way in, and in our disappointment the relationship can experience a hit.
This month we are focusing on what rapprochement needs are in each design. Today let’s talk about the Blackened design.
What tends to overwhelm a Blackened person and how do they find relief?
A Blackened person is realistic and resourceful, so they are driven by the fix. If they see or are told something is broken or there is a problem, their body starts to move before their brain is even done evaluating the components or parts of the problem to fix it. They are solution focused and they want the most efficient and realistic way to approach that. No fluff, just check it off and move on. For this very reason they are driven through tasks. They are compartmentalized thinkers. Tasks are like their oxygen; it is as necessary to their functioning as the air they breathe. They are the first ones there if there is a problem, for no other reason than to fix it, to respond, to offer a hand or remedy. Their fuel is a practical version of logic: resourcefulness. You can usually count on some kind of help or protection from any problems if a healthy Blackened person is in the group. We instinctively know this because they seem to be the ones we seek out at the airport to help us find our gate or give us directions. It is as if we sense that they know what to do in the most pragmatic way. They are honest and real, that is how they nurture and that is why it seems easy to approach them.
A Blackened person can get overwhelmed if we don’t consider the gravity of getting the tasks done. If we take the fact that they need to be done lightly or have excuses as to why we didn’t do them, it can feel as if you are disrespecting them. Our careful consideration of why we didn’t complete the task, more than putting consideration to the consequences of not doing the task is frustrating to them. The more we talk, the less it makes sense to them. Then as they are legitimately spinning in confusion, we turn and leave them with a quick and defensive insult as to why they are so insensitive.
Here is an example:
Let’s go back to the child with the list from school. The Blackened in him is building a compartment. In his brain he is compartmentalizing what is needed so he can move on to experience the efficacy and independence of his contribution to his class and peers. He is going to be part of the fix. The solutions. He just needs these 5 things on the list. Not knowing how to get them can leave him overwhelmed in the first place. He might have been feeling a little of this weight at school while the teacher was explaining the task at first. When he gets to the caretaker or parent, the caretaker senses this and is interested in relief or rapprochement for the child in a healthy way, so they process it in a Blackened way.
It might sound something like this. The child might say “I’m so excited, I need to bring these 5 things to class and then we are going to build a project and I get to help with these things. It will be so great! Then we are going to share with another class and teach them what we learned. It will all be because I brought 5 things to class and helped.” In a healthy rapprochement model the parent would start to unpack the list and follow the child’s reaction to the list, rather than their reaction to the list. They would then follow the child into his perception of the list. He might already be worried about how to get these things without affecting the family, or he might be worried about something we could not anticipate, such as being afraid of the store where we get one of these items. We don’t know until we follow him into his perception. At the end of this conversation delivered by a strong capable caregiver the child hears, “We are going to accomplish obtaining these things. We might just be able to go out and get them, or we might get to go on an adventure to find them from now until the day they are due. We might ask some others for help. Whatever way we can get them, we will complete this task on time.” That response gives the child the rapprochement he needs to move forward.
For a Blackened person or someone who is high in the Blackened design, if you want to match their enthusiasm put some focus or energy into the tasks. If you have a problem, be upfront with it and bring it to them as soon as you become aware of it. Don’t be avoidant, be honest about how you feel and just get ‘r done. If you really want to support them, bring a solution with the problem. They will most likely FIX your solution, at least in some way, but they will deeply appreciate the effort and the attention to the bigger picture.
If you want to support them, take something off their list of things to do. This is one of the greatest gifts to them. Make sure when you do so to tell them why you are doing it. Communicate your intention so it won’t seem like they missed something or alarm them that something got overlooked or is wrong. It is just a quick way of checking it off the list for them and that is a big part of the whole Blackened system. It is satisfying to them and feels as if you really know them and respect how they think and work. That goes far in a Blackened world.
Here is another example:
We had a Blackened client at Human Art. As a caregiver they were pulling a great amount of the weight and the responsibility of the whole family but mostly for the younger kids in the family. They were completely capable, very organized, and hardworking; in fact, they kept getting promotions at work because of their integrity and work ethic. They would just fix things as they came in. No drama or fuss. Just good old-fashioned hard work and practical solutions.
When it came to the family members, they just saw this as something this caretaker liked to do and was really good at. “They preferred it that way,” was their perception. The caretaker reported being overwhelmed, overworked, and disrespected because any task they asked others to do was always the last priority to the rest of the family. When we asked the family how well the Blackened caregiver did at supporting the family they all responded similarly: “Great!” “So organized,” “You can always count on them,” “They make me feel safe when they are around.” But they all reported that the caretaker was overly focused on tasks and not on being in the moment like them. We them asked them if they enjoyed those benefits of organization, accountability, safety etc. if they thought that their Blackened caretaker would enjoy some of that returned to them, and if they thought the caregiver might enjoy it if it showed up when it came to tasks.
The great thing is that is what the family did. Each day they would do their assigned tasks as a priority and in addition they would do an extra one and tell their caregiver what they did and follow it up with, “you can check it off your list.” Those are some of the most loving words you can say to a Blackened person. In return, the Blackened caregiver had more time and energy, and was engaging the family in adventures and conversations more and more each day. The great thing is, if the caregiver got scared or threatened the family could just reassure them and call them out on their agitation. They would literally say, “no need for that because we have checked all the boxes. We know because we were involved.” That freed the caregiver up and they were all on their way again together to experience the next adventure.
So, if you are Blackened, I’ll be blunt. Be abrupt!!!! Not the unhealthy abrupt that we are all too accustomed to. The healthy version that encourages healthy change and just gets us moving in the right direction. It is literally like physically lifting us up off a bad road that can destroy us (and doing it quick before we can hurt ourselves more), and in your casual, organic, real way, setting us on the better path or trajectory that helps us when we are overwhelmed.
As for you, do the same for yourself. Be your own best friend and offer yourself that rapprochement. You know what it is that you need because the Blackened is one of the most direct designs. The design that likes to deal with the truth., So the key to that is when you are overwhelmed pick yourself up and put yourself back on the right path or trajectory. Race to the correct principle or solution. You have the grit and the strength to do it. Find what is broken, find solutions, fix it, and get ‘r done like no one else can. You will find yourself bonding and interacting naturally in healthier ways because you come from a secure and authentic place. Live well, love honestly, hit life hard. Be who you are and find relief in the ways that will truly offer it and do the same for others.
Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.
Brook
RELATED POSTS:
Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed, Part 1
Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed, Part 2
Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed, Part 3