One thing to consider when learning about the rapprochement model is how a person gets overwhelmed. One temperament that is known for lending itself to being overwhelmed is that of sensitivity. To the degree that we are sensitive is the degree, or how frequently, we have potential to get overwhelmed. An example might be two small grandchildren visiting their grandpa. One child is joining their grandfather cheering on a sports event, being loud and is not affected by the noise and commotion. The other might be experiencing the opposite: feeling overwhelmed with the commotion, noise and chaos, and finds the surroundings unsettling. Both children are in the same environment at the exact same time, yet they are experiencing it completely different. In that setting, the child that is feeling overwhelmed is the one in need of rapprochement (or relief) in that moment.
As humans we are sometimes quick to criticize the child that needs relief when compared to the other child in the same situation that doesn’t. This would be a rapprochement foul because it is the situation that is driving the need for relief, not just the child. To prove this point, if you were to flip the activity or environment with these same grandchildren to something that would require a little more sensitivity as a skill, such as navigating a detailed story or staying with a detailed task, the sensitive child will thrive and the other one might get overwhelmed.
It is at the very point that the child is displaying signs or cues that they are overwhelmed that they are in need of healthy rapprochement from a strong, able caretaker that can securely hold their distress and follow them in a conversation to unravel the layers of what is causing them to be overwhelmed. It is a time when we literally need to see it through the child’s eyes and then (with their help) find an integrated declaration and a strong and secure solution for the dynamic. While we are doing this, we are lacing the conversation with encouragement.
As adults, we can fall into this trap when trying to support each other since there is not a child to parent dynamic when trying to comfort each other when feeling overwhelmed. We are in an adult to adult dynamic and the critical piece is that we share equal and mutual power. In some cases, when the other adult in the conversation is displaying sensitivity, we mistakenly read that as infantile and playing the role of a child, and then we take the more dominating position of the adult. It is most often done subconsciously, but nevertheless it leads to more distress on both parts and rapprochement or relief is thrown out the window. So as we interact with adults, we need to remember to continue treating that person as an equal while dealing with the situation.
This month we are focusing on what the rapprochement needs are in each design. Today let’s talk about the Grayed design.
What tends to overwhelm a Grayed person, and how do they find relief?
A Grayed person has a high amount of sensitivity. It is an advanced sensitivity, and when used in a healthy way it is what allows the Grayed person to feel intuitively through situations and pick up on dynamics and emotions that the rest of us might miss. Additionally, once they pick up on those details, they also have an advanced ability to make connections to the contingencies of what’s going on around them. Simply put, they can take the information and carefully connect the dots. This is due to the fact that they will take the time to process what might be, can be, or ought to be for any given situation or conversation.
A Grayed person can get overwhelmed when they are not given the time or the space to process through the aftermath of this advanced intuition. This hit to them can be experienced when they feel criticized or mocked because of the need to think it through. They are conservative, but they have the ability to tolerate extreme situations as long as they can run it through internally first to connect the dots and come up with safe solutions before they run into the drama.
Here is an example:
Let’s go back to the sensitive grandchild in the sports event scenario. If he were allowed to process the details first, he could tolerate the chaos and loud noise just like the other child. If he had advanced warning and could take a little time beforehand to process the event, it would sound INSIDE his mind something like this…
“Okay when we get there, grandpa will have the sports event on. It will be a party so everyone will likely be jumping and cheering. It will be loud. Sometimes the adults get more excited than they usually do in everyday life so they will react differently. Louder. They tend to jump around, so I could get knocked a little. It is all done in fun. I want to have fun with them so I think I will start out by sitting to the side and cheering with them.”
If you want to match their enthusiasm, honor their sensitivity, and bask in the details as they do. If you have an event that you are giving them the details of, tell them the details that you might experience in that setting as well. Listen to their processing and encourage them to bring you along in their thinking, then validate it. Every time I do this with someone that is Grayed, I learn more than they do. They think of things that would never cross my mind. They are thorough, and they help me clean up the things that I miss.
Feeding them details is a great way to support them. If you want to support them when they are overwhelmed, help them unpack the details and organize them into categories that are either solution focused or “things I’m just afraid of”. This sorting helps them keep going and not give up or avoid. They are so good at the details that they can give the same amount of attention to all of them, so helping them get back on track to processing in an inspiring way can feel like a lift. They do not do well with confrontation, so keeping everything on a neutral conversation or collaboration at all times is a great way to support them. Just always be collaborating and bringing each other along. Abrupt starts and stops are very hard on them, so ease them into interactions by picking up where you left off. They see that as compassion and is part of that advanced sensitivity.
Here is another example. In a family that visits Human Art from time to time, one of the daughters is very Grayed and has that advanced sensitivity. The rest of the family is very concrete in their thinking, so they move in a real, logical way to get things done. They find themselves often deeming the Grayed daughter or sister as the “weak one” because she does not move as boldly through life as they do. In one situation, they were in a great amount of stress because the Grayed daughter/sister was not working with them in their daily chores like the others were. They complained that she spent the majority of the time in her room and bathroom with the door locked and wouldn’t participate with the others in daily chores. They expressed their frustration that she would finally come out late, when all of them were done interacting with each other and ready for bed. These accusations frustrated and confused the Grayed daughter and led to her pulling away emotionally from the rest of the family.
When we slowed things down and followed her, we found out that she was in her room so she could take the time to do her chores well so the rest of the family would benefit. When we asked the rest of the family what her chores were, they replied that she was responsible for the upkeep of her room and the bathroom. When we asked the family how well she does those jobs, they went into great detail about how amazing and meticulous those jobs are done, consistently. They even described how she cleans and organizes the drawers and cupboards. One sibling talked about how she would often pack a suitcase when they would go on trips and expressed that it was beautiful to see how organized and prepared the suitcase was. It was done days, sometimes weeks, in advance.
In this situation, the family was missing the Grayed sensitivity and attention to detail. They discovered that they focused more on the fact that she did not come out of her room, and less on the detail of the job she was doing. When they began to help her feel validated, they later explained that she spent more and more time outside of her room and with them because they understood and validated her.
If you are Grayed or have high amounts of the Grayed design in your personality, get in the detailed habit of providing your own rapprochement, and do it in meticulous ways. Ask the questions that need to be asked. Elicit the information or details that are not given to you. Process in that calm way that is the hallmark of your design. Use that advanced and beautiful intuition that we all depend on in healthy ways. Process more, worry less. Get fear out and start connecting all of those beautiful contingencies that life has to offer. Love deep, talk to us more, teach us how to see the world from your strengths, and don’t shut down just because others don’t understand your process.
And always remember, everyone is a masterpiece.
Brook
RELATED POSTS:
Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed, Part 1
Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed, Part 2
Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed, Part 4