Category: Attract Connect Prosper

Thanksgiving: Who’s Coming to Dinner?

Posted on November 6, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As we approach the holiday season, we often have fond dreams of holidays past and we have an ideal in mind to connect and have joy in our closest relationships. Sometimes in our reminiscence, we bring out the tenseness and awkwardness in some of our relationships. In other words, sometimes we are outright afraid of what might “go down” during the holiday events.

This brings me to the question, “Who is coming to dinner?” For those of you who understand Human Art theory, this is a wonderful time to be mindfully curious about the different needs of each design and how to meet them where they are at this holiday season.

While you are sitting around the table and catching up this year, try to take another design’s perspective and tailor the conversation to their central focus.

For example, if I am sitting across the table from a Saturated person, a wise thing to remember is that they are quality driven. The quality is established through their focus on the “one most important thing” for the holiday season. If you really want to connect with them and get their attention, ask them what is their most important thing for this particular season. It would leave an impression on them that you care about their priority for the event. Try not to worry about figuring out their one most important thing, just ask. This will increase their social engagement and increase their comfort and validation. It will decrease any aloofness that might be present which will make the interactions less awkward.

Now, what if you were sitting next to your Whitened family or friend? This year try to engage them instead of waiting for them to entreat you. It is a gift to them to seek them out and enthusiastically engage them with an enrolling question. You can banter with them but most importantly they want to be noticed and see that you have anticipated their needs. You will always be successful with a Whitened person if you can focus on the celebration and notice something personal such as a birthday, a favorite present, or a favorite memory from a past holiday.

Next, if you know someone Grayed will be coming to dinner, romance the connection of the holidays through small details. For example, we know the Grayed person doesn’t like abrupt starts and stops. Approaching the dinner table at the beginning and leaving the table at the end is the most awkward time for the Grayed person. They worry about having direct attention on them when they want to blend and connect. A few days before start connecting in small ways with the Grayed people you know who are coming. Ease them in by sending a text noting that you look forward to seeing them. “I will talk to you when you get here.” When they are leaving, make that transition more smoothly. You can walk them to the door and comment about when you will be together again. It’s like you are starting your own personal tradition with them.

Finally, if there is a Blackened person anywhere in the room, you will find them engaged in a task. They may be fixing the lights, taking the garbage out, or finishing cement in the backyard. Just jump in the task and experience it with them. Don’t question the timing of the task or misread their version of celebrating. To them, the task is celebrating. That is their gift to you. Be sure to appreciate their tasks.

If we pay attention to the central focus of each member’s design, your dreams for a rich family experience will materialize. You would be surprised how many times people get missed. They might not show up because they are invalidated or not noticed. In our Family Reunion Service, we go in and demonstrate how these dynamics play out each and every day, month after month. As we highlight each member’s design, the other family members become aware of how to meet each other’s needs.

So, who is coming to dinner? Who has already RSVP’d? Start now by planning to take their perspective and possess the dream of a joyful holiday season.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook and Rod

The Power of Curiosity

Posted on October 29, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

The answer is curiosity!

The question is, “what is one thing that could significantly strengthen my ability to learn new skills and grow in my authentic self?”

This is a question that was asked recently at Human Art. When we are teaching new skills to anyone that are designed to help one better themselves in relationships with self, with others around them, and in leadership or team building, one common thing that is required is curiosity.

When we are small and first learning to navigate this big world, curiosity is required. Some children get punished for it and we see the beginnings of a “shut down, stuff it,” type of relating to others. Where it can get really serious is if we are curious in our authenticity or our personality and we get negative feedback of any kind. It leaves us with no discovery and no idea where to go with those confusing emotions.

So I propose we say “YES” to implementing curiosity in our lives! Let me give you an example.

In this line of work I see that, in general, humans have a STRONG desire to learn about their own personality or design. They want to know what their authenticity looks like, how to use it, and how to define it. That’s the kind of curiosity I’m talking about. What I’ve been observing while looking at curiosity is that humans are not always as willing to be as curious about other people’s designs; the people they love, the people they work with, their friends, etc.

Let’s start by looking at the different types of curiosity in the designs:

The Saturated design is curious in the way of collecting the components of any conversation or dynamic. They need all of the pieces before they can draw a conclusion. They need to know what is the best solution or the “one most important fact” to be able to make a declaration and then start sequencing it.

The Whitened person is curious to learn people’s preferences. They are attuned to others’ preferences at a deeper level. They notice likes and dislikes and do it in a non-threatening way. They thrive off of sincerity.

The Grayed person is curious in the connection. The connection with others, the connections of possibilities, the connections that can help, and the connections that might hurt. It is a meticulous openness full of details.

The Blackened person is curious about the what, why and how. It is like the air they breath. It is how they discover new ideas, best way to do a task, and how they get to know together people.

When we expand our curiosity with self and with others, in a way where we are constantly discovering and learning new things about each other, our curiosity transforms into empathy and compassion. Then you are on your way to seeing that everyone is full of worth and value just the way they are, in their authenticity. When we celebrate that fact, we move to learning and growing in our authenticity in a way that did not seem possible.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

The Power of Self Discovery

Posted on October 22, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

In 2008 a man sat in a Human Art class. He was a well-established professional. Prior to the class he had always wanted to be like the popular quarterback type; bigger, muscular, and driven by that “fix it” mentality. This is a great goal if you are Blackened. The problem is, he isn’t Blackened, he is Saturated. He described himself as trying to be outdoorsy and trying to fit in that way.

After experiencing the class he made the statement, “I know who I am. I am Saturated. I don’t need to try to be Blackened anymore and I will no longer compare myself to that. I am not that and I will never be that.” The beauty in that is that he learned about being predominantly Saturated and he loved it. He related to it. He said, “I will no longer apologize for who I am.”

In another instance, in the early 1980’s a client came into Human Art and didn’t believe she was beautiful. She was Blackened but her husband was Saturated. She found him so attractive that she wanted to be that same form of attractiveness. When we taught her about the Blackened design combined with a little Grayed-a glaze of refinement overlaying that beautifully natural Blackened design that she was-she fell in love with herself in an authentic way. I will never forget her telling us with tears in her eyes about the first time embracing that personality she felt like the most beautiful women in the room. It was life changing.

Working a few years ago with a family that all had logical designs, one of the girls in the family was Whitened. she had some Saturation as well but you always noticed the Whitened in her interactions with others. She was engaging and enrolling. She had this childlike way of adding lightness to the room with her spontaneity. In this family structure she was ridiculed. Not by the other family members but on inside. She was cruel to herself and spent most of her time alone ridiculing herself for not being more logical and linear. When she learned the value of her personality traits and used them in a healthy way, without comparing, she began to shine. Her efficacy improved and most important she started settling into self-love.

Why do I bring these up? In today’s world we are in a battle. a battle of contention. It seems to be all around us. You channel surf on tv and you find it. You listen to conversations on social media, you will find it. Trying to navigate social issues, there it is. The great thing about humans is they are inherently good. They are decent. We just all want to find our worth and we will go to great lengths to find it.

The solution is to inner source that peace. We all want to find significance and it starts with finding our value for ourselves. We need to know ourselves and who we are to quiet our inner contention or struggle. We can then come from that place of security to turn to others and celebrate them and their design, which is probably different from ours.

So start with your own self esteem. Find things you value in yourself and evaluate the beauty of that particular trait. Settle that contention in our own self. Love who you are first, then go out and love others.

And remember everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

When it Doesn’t Come Naturally – Find the Charm of YOUR Design

Posted on October 8, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

In our design or our authenticity there are things that we are naturally good at and things in each design that might not be our strongest trait.

There are things in each design that come so natural to us that we actually enjoy doing them.

A Saturated person might actually love to organize an event or project because they love to sequence things and are really good at it; it’s exciting to them.
A Whitened person could love to volunteer because that usually means people are involved and their focus is not on the burden of the task, it just feels like a party.
A Grayed person loves to balance their checkbook or correct a paper because it is combing through the details of them and they can find endless enjoyment in that.
A Blackened person can jump into any physical task or join in on one with someone else to make the load lighter. Because of the “fix it” mentality that they have it is more fulfilling than just talking about what to do.

Because they are so naturally good at it, people in those designs can find a great deal of joy in it. It also comes so natural to them they could practically do these things in their sleep.

In contrast, there are things in each design that are the opposite. They sometimes are absent from the design or could be labeled as things that are not enjoyable to do. Each design has traits or characteristics that naturally are strengths but other traits and strengths that just don’t seem to be included. This has, in the past, created some potential for a little bit of confusion. Let me explain.

When someone I am talking with at Human Art is confused, it sometimes has to do with being accountable for what we are NOT as natural at in our personality or design. Some might interpret what I said above as declaring that if a trait is not included in a design then one is free from being responsible for that trait. Sometimes we are a little tempted to think or even say, “it’s not in my design therefore I am forever released from having to do that, or be accountable for that.”

For example, a Grayed client we were working with was very concerned with some dynamics in their family. They felt hopeless in ever overcoming some contention that existed between them and a few of the members of their family. We explained that when a person has a high amount of Grayed in their design, they usually don’t like confrontation. When this client heard that they sighed in relief. “I’m so excited, I’ll just have everyone else do it.”

As tempting as that might be, as it is definitely is the path of least resistance, it is not showing up and being accountable. More importantly, it is robbing that person of the opportunity to use the brilliance of the Grayed design. Yes, it was important that this person learned a Grayed person does not enjoy confrontation and they cease to thrive in that environment, but they are brilliant in an environment of connecting the contingencies. They have this ability to see and connect things we might not have ever considered. It is usually done in a weaving conversation that feels like a calming consideration of all that is involved. It is the charm of the Grayed design.

We explained to our client that yes it was necessary to confront the situation or dynamic but not the person. It was not a dreaded obstacle or barrier but an opportunity to shine. Once the client realized that all of the tools they needed to move forward were right there front and center in their authenticity or their design, it was amazing to see their resolve.

Every design has something similar that they avoid or don’t like to do. Realizing that they are accountable for doing it, but also doing it in a way that showcases the brilliance of their design, they can conquer it. If we all accepted that in the same way that I know it is true we will all be capable of conquering the world. Even better, we can accept our own responsibility and do it in a way that brings enormous amounts of joy and a feeling of efficacy. I have seen it time and time again.

So list those things that are not the hallmark of your design, or that you don’t like, and dig deep to find the charm of your design then use it to approach those things. It will serve you every time!

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

What’s the Problem? Autonomy!

Posted on October 1, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

“Can’t you see they are not telling the truth!”
“How can you stand there and say that with a straight face?”
“Our group is strongly opposed to your group’s view.”

It doesn’t matter if it is an individual talking to another group of people, a family, a gathering of people who love each other, or in the work place trying to agree on a project or a strategy; when groups of people are polarized it creates a great deal of chaos and stress. It is equally as difficult when the distance between the disagreeing parties has gotten to the point that contention is so strong it feels as if it would be impossible to walk it back to a neutral place again. This is a very dangerous place to be because the next thing to happen in these types of group interactions is the group starts to destroy the order and integrity of the group and it starts to disintegrate. What can a group do when it finds itself in this very dynamic?

First, I assure you it is possible to get back to a healthy place of interacting with each other in a neutral way and still keep our opinion and preferences intact.

Second, its actually something that happens rather quickly.

We must stop and ask, “WHATS THE PROBLEM?” And the answer always has something to do with autonomy!!!

Autonomy is basically our independence or ability to have self-freedom.

Quietly in your head, stop and describe everyone’s autonomy that is in the large group, including your own. This will allow you to respect your own views and come from a place of security and personal power; from that point you are in a position to celebrate and appreciate others’ point of view. State your needs, speak of your preferences, describe what you are focused on according to your design (we call that a central focus), and have the courage to be a little vulnerable, no matter how others react to it. Share your challenges in a real and genuine way. Try hard to be authentic and not manufacture a egoic version of strength. Use the power you already have, your personal power. No one can truly criticize it because you know it better than anyone else, you are the only on with it.

Here is an example:
A very Saturated man and a Saturated teen were working together on a project. They were assigned to work on the project with a very Grayed woman and a really Whitened young adult.
the two Saturated people were in agreement that the project needed to come across professionally and that the objective needed to be clear (they share that central focus). Things were going great until the Grayed women came into the planning meeting and introduced a very thorough list of questions that needed to be asked about the project before any decisions were to be made. The group spent a few minutes debating what the main the focus should be until tension was mounting in the small planning room. The Saturated man and the Saturated teen were starting to strategize how they could side step the Grayed woman’s list while the Grayed woman was feeling frustrated and found herself asking more and more questions until she went to her next strategy of shutting down and beginning to resent. The two groups were quickly losing credibility with each other. it was then that the Whitened adult came in and stated the Whitened central focus that always includes socializing and declared, “are we having fun yet?!”

Stop right here!!!!!

This is the very moment when it is time to quietly say, “Whats the problem?…Autonomy!” In this moment, the group should start to review everyone’s autonomy, starting with the central focus of each person’s design.

The Saturated man and teen want quality and that comes from clear objectives and professionalism.

The Grayed woman is thorough and usually prevents problems before they even arise.

The Whitened man makes sure everyone stays engaged and can tell before others even start to notice anything is wrong that someone is about to withdraw or shut down and re-engages them in a safe way.

When these central focuses are looked at in this light that is when we can quickly step back into healthy and neutral interactions. It is at this point we can listen. Our curiosity goes up and self-doubt goes down. It is also at this point we start to celebrate each other, are in a great system of synergy, and notice how we are stronger as a group. The sum of these parts of the group are greater than the individual parts. A line from one of my favorite songs says,”I like me better when I’m with you.”

So when you find yourself in a group where you are asking yourself, “what’s the problem?” Think “autonomy,” and move into action.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook