Category: Authentic Self

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Whitened Design

Posted on July 15, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Learning about this “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” as we have in the last few weeks is very important to inviting healthy relationships into our lives. Being able to recognize this dynamic in any relationship is as important as recognizing physical systems when we are sick with any physical ailment. When we are not aware of it we run the risk of dismissing it when really we are right in the crossfires of this dynamic. As far as I can see, as long as we can name these dynamics for what they are we are in a much better place to prosper in all aspects of life because we can side-step the unhealthy connection in any relationship.

What does prosper look like?

WHITENED

For the Whitened design, whether or not you prosper is based on how the people around you are interacting and enrolling in any relationship, conversation, or task. They are good at noticing what people like and dislike and they are good at anticipating the needs of others. They pull all of this off in a light and free manner that tends to be nonthreatening. It is part of their charm.

In the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” a controlling person will see these Whitened traits and will prey upon the fact that the Whitened person loves to please and it is important to them that those who they interact with are reasonably happy and comfortable. If that controlling person expresses that they are not happy, it can weigh on the Whitened person. To the degree of the Whitened design in the person is equal to the degree it will weigh on them and also dictates the degree that will act on it. If they cannot come to a reasonable resolution it has a high potential to create hopelessness.

The Projective Identity put on the Whitened person by the controlling person now looks something like a criticism that leads back to a narrative that the Whitened person is careless and not paying attention. The components of the narrative are designed to make the Whitened person feel as if they created this and that they displease others with their carelessness; the controlling person will sometimes go as far as to make the Whitened person feel like they are out of line in some way for putting that much thought and attention into caring about what others think. The Whitened is led to believe that their spontaneity is elaborate and that they are actually irresponsible and illogical for thinking and behaving this way. That is where dominance begins because the controlling person will flood the Whitened person with examples of how responsible and logical they are, and they seem to make it fun and enjoyable. They can go so far as to sell the idea that they please people more than the Whitened does and then the Whitened is now dependent on them not only to deem them OK, but to show them the way back.

Once the Whitened person is in this place of fear, they run the risk of showing up in their “can be.” The can be of the Whitened is they can over-enroll, so it now becomes more evidence and ammunition for the controller in their dynamic to drive them further into believing the narrative.

We have a client that is Whitened. This client values being social and celebrating others. They love to interact with others. They have a keen sense of when someone wants to interact with them and when someone just wants space, and either one is fine with this client. They started out very secure.

They have an insecure person in their family. When the insecure person is not doing well socially and doesn’t seem to be getting what they want, they turn directly to this Whitened person and start accusing them of not being able to show up for people in healthy ways. They will go as far as to convince them that people don’t really like them and their Whitened ways are irritating others. As soon as this comes up, the Whitened person “gets hopping” meaning gets busy to please people more. The more they try, the more this other insecure person brings up evidence of their illogical carelessness that is annoying others. Classic projection!!!

The best way for the Whitened person to navigate their way back to a healthy “Once Upon a Time” and find their version of a “Happily Ever After” is to define happiness for themselves and plant themselves right in that spot. If you are happy and feel good and you add that to respecting others needs, you will navigate yourself right back to that secure place where it will not be as threatening if others are not pleased and happy. You can remain calm and lighthearted even when others are not. If you find yourself in a situation where those around you need space, honor that, but meet your own self care needs in healthy ways. Anticipate your needs and act on them. It’s not selfish because the Whitened person’s attention will quickly be directed to others as soon as someone else comes along. In fact, that secure calmness that you emulate will be a great source of security for yourself and those interacting with you. It is contagious.

I have seen it time and time again, if you decide you want to prosper in any aspect of life, going back to your authentic way of doing things will always lead you to your hopes and dreams. They might take a detour, but if you are true to who you are and what your design and personality is, you will find ways to enjoy the ride while you are being redirected. Stay in your lane and navigate it in a way only you can. Everyone deserves that, and everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time “: How to Prosper in the Saturated Design

Posted on July 9, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

In the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” we talk a lot about the beginning of any journey. We talk about how to learn more about ourselves and love our self so we can relate to others in healthy ways. We talk about how important our beliefs about our self and who we are can be. They can determine whether or not we are controlled in relationships and whether or not we can leave behind unhealthy dynamics. Add all this up and it really has the potential to determine whether or not we are going to prosper in our hopes and dreams.

What does prosper look like for each design? Each week we will look at one design to see what this looks like for them.

SATURATED

For the Saturated design, whether or not we prosper is determined by what that Saturated person deems will hit the mark for them. It is the one or two things that they keep focused on in any dream. They keep that in their sights and they stay focused.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic, where the main character believes what the controlling person in their life has projected on them, the damage is done when it destroys the order around them and the definition of the order of their dreams. Order to someone high in the Saturated design is key, it is like the air they breathe. They thrive when everything is in its prospective place. If you take that order away or more importantly, pervert it, it can have devastating effects on someone that is Saturated. The degree of their Saturated design is equal to the degree of the devastation they will experience. This is the seed of their hopelessness. That hopelessness will now become the main character in their story and everything is organized around that. The fear infused into that narrative is their fuel. All bets are off and they are literally driven by fear.

The projective identity is placed on the Saturated person when the controlling person redefines order and what it looks like in this narrative. They don’t go directly at the Saturated person’s character because that design tends to have a lot of confidence. The dominating person seems to sense this, so they get busy redefining order and what it really looks like. They also add the extra flattering narrative for themselves of how good they are at this new kind of order (defined by them) and they move forward with a false self that appears even more confident than the legitimate and authentic confidence of the Saturated design. This is the hook. The Saturated person is left in self-doubt and that is when they start to consider that the egoic, projected, made up form of order is true. As time goes on and more hits come, they believe it more and more—and those roads all lead to hopelessness for a Saturated person.

The” can be” of the Saturated design plays a role here because they see things in an “all or nothing way.” They move from the confidence of the “all” or “all in” to the helplessness, avoidance, and shut down of the “nothing”, so they tend to feel and do “nothing.”

If you are Saturated, the best way to navigate your way out of this unhealthy version of the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” is to learn about and change the dynamics we talked about last week to move into the new and healthy “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” or starting place. It will lead to “happily ever after” kind of success. The next step is to throw out the narrative. Use that clear-thinking part of you that you already are familiar with and put your sights on whatever gives you clarity. It usually comes in the form of a declaration. Something like, “I can do this, or I’m competent, or I have dignity…” Focus on that one thing and go. Remember that your opinion of yourself in the “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” is the only one that counts in this point of your journey. Others will come later when you are healthy. You are the one to define order for yourself and then support yourself in it. It’s not selfish, it’s appropriate. It’s what is needed now. Stamp the statement and the meaning that goes with that declaration in your mind, apply it in your life and all around you. The third thing is to remember to move back to your authenticity. It is full of your values and preferences and defines what makes you feel safe. That will give you the personal power you need to navigate life.

I promise that if you want to prosper in anything, you need to know your authenticity and be able to support yourself enough to use it. Keep in mind that to prosper means to add resources to our life, to add meaning to our life, to obtain dreams, and to meet personal goals that lead to our dreams. The other part of prosper is to enjoy it when you do. It is to be grateful for it and to sit back and watch just how lucky you are to be on your own path and playing out the movie of your life, and not someone else’s script for you.

You are worth it, because everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How To Prosper In Your Design

Posted on July 1, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

If you are a Human, Please, Please Read!

How many stories have we read or watched play out on the movie screen where there is always the same dynamic—whether it be Cinderella, the Huntsman, the Avengers (any of them) or just a good story about people overcoming challenges in relationships or other trials—it seems to play out time after time. That dynamic I am speaking of is what I like to refer to as the “Once Upon a Time dynamic.” It is a story line, projection, description, or narrative that has been placed on the main character.

For example, take the story of Cinderella. In the beginning, Cinderella desires to be wanted, loved, and accepted in a relationship and a family. The stepmother convinces her that she is not any of those. At the same time, the stepmother goes to great lengths to show Cinderella that she, the stepmom, is. She boasts about how wanted she is, she tells how admired she and her daughters are. She implies in conversations how anyone would be lucky to win their hand in marriage. She puts herself and her daughters in a higher position as a family in an attempt to leave Cinderella out. This is all done to elevate herself in the things that she knows are important to Cinderella’s authenticity.

When you look at any of these types of stories, the problem in the beginning of the story is that the main character believes in these types of narratives. They literally think it is true about that they cannot or do not possess these qualities or things they desire, and often they believe it so wholeheartedly that they think they cannot escape from their circumstances. They have bought into the deceit that this is as good as it gets for someone like them. Many times in the movies there is a voice of a narrator laying out these unhealthy dynamics to beautiful music in the background with some calming sounds like birds singing, or ocean waves gently crashing, or a beautiful song playing to illustrate the minimization of the narrative and down-playing how dangerous it is in the characters mind. A story line of how the main character has just casually accepted their circumstances and in some cases has signed off on the unhealthy description of who they are and seem totally accepting of their fate. Right behind that dynamic is a controlling character that is more than happy to keep running the lines of this narrative. Wow, gives new meaning to “once upon a time.”

As helpful as this “Once Upon a Time,” stage setting is in a movie or a good story (it really helps sell the story), this dynamic is not helpful when it plays out in real life. When we as humans are trying to find our own happy endings and success in life—whether it be in business, in relationships, or projects—it is harmful because it can stop us from getting what we want out of life. Let’s keep this narrative in fairy tales where it is effective, and switch that around in real life to ensure that we start our personal story off on the right foot.

When trying to find success in any avenue of life, the goal would be to make sure we prosper in our hopes and dreams. That we purposefully plant feelings of success, accomplishment, and efficacy and feel them as we go; feel them LIVE and in the moment, in whatever process we are going through. It will help us in all endeavors of experiencing and growing in life.

There are three important concepts that we need to be familiar with in finding this kind of success so we don’t start off in the old and tired version of a “Once Upon a Time dynamic.”

Projective Identification
Dependency
Authenticity

It is the same whether we are Saturated, Whitened, Grayed, or Blackened; we all need to be aware of these three concepts and be present to make sure we are navigating these dynamics in healthy ways.

Let’s start with Projective Identification. This is an unhealthy dynamic often used by the controlling characters in our life story. This is used to coerce you into finding success in their way instead of your own. It is an agenda and they want what they want. They take a trait or value that is important to you and your authenticity and tell you that you are not that. They make you believe that they themselves actually possess that and that you need to be more like them in order to have it yourself. They are dangerous to our hopes and dreams because they don’t want us to succeed in our story they just want us to be a pawn or a character in their story. This is sometimes done on purpose but not always; sometimes people do this because they are driven by insecurity or fear and that is their best way of getting what they need and want. Make sure to have compassion for their injury and be careful not to judge…just don’t audition for their movie.

Here is an example:
We have a client who is so caring. They value this and it is a priority in relationships. It is just who this person is. It is what they see and believe about themselves, and there is plenty of evidence in their close relationships and how they interact with others to support this.

Here is the projection or narrative. They have a controlling person in their life that they care about. When this person doesn’t get what they want they simply accuse our client of not caring. They are sure to also slip in an additional narrative of how caring they themselves are and fact stack to drive it home more. So our client subconsciously starts getting busy to prove how caring they really are. In their mind they think something like, “oh silly me I haven’t properly shown just how caring I really am so I better get busy and care more and show it more.” I call this “get hopping.” Over and over this happened, until the client got to a place where they felt defeated and hopeless and really started believing that they did not care enough to be in that relationship.

THE ANSWER: We need to remember that the only opinion of yourself that is important in your “once upon a time” is your own!

The second concept we need to understanding is Dependency.

Here is where it gets complex. Please keep reading. In the old unhealthy version of your “once upon a time” you have now bought into the narrative that the controlling character has carefully scripted for you. Consequently, now in that unhealthy swirl, you add the part where you need them (because they have convinced you they are the good guy in this story, and they possess all those traits that you value). You need them to deem you OK. They have by now convinced you that they are the benevolent character in the traits that you value so much, so naturally it seems reasonable that they are the ones in a position to deem you have that same trait. If you could only just hit the mark—their mark.

That is where dominance comes in. They now dominate and own your character in this story because you desperately need them and depend on them and their opinion of you to be OK. The problem is, you are never going to hit that mark because again you are not playing into your story line, your hopes and dream, you are there for theirs. You now don’t even own the rights to this script. You are now an extra and you are so desperately happy to be one because you are just dying (as we naturally all want validation) to be restored back to that person that you know you are somewhere in there and want to be. You are dependent on them and you now need them to survive.

THE ANSWER: Stop looking externally for your worth (that means you are comparing yourself to someone else). If you do look externally for your worth I promise you will fail 100 percent of the time.

The third concept is Authenticity.

The new “once upon a time” is when you obtain your “Happily Ever After” through your authenticity. It literally is the path. Each step is taken leaving the footprints of who you are and what you value behind for others to see and possibly follow. The compass you will need to guide you on your path is your struggles, your trials, your challenges, and how you learn to navigate them. They are your compass because they tell you where you need to go next. You just run toward them and you stay north. You keep going, you learn what it is that you need to learn, and you overcome in a way only you can.

When other people follow you in your journey they will feel all of the authentic and legitimate power that your imprint leaves behind because it is a truth, truth about your journey. A truth about you. IT IS A TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU ARE MADE AND WHAT YOUR CHALLENGES AND STRENGTHS ARE. IT IS HOW YOU WERE SENT TO THIS WORLD. IT IS YOUR OWN AUTHENTIC, UNIQUE WAY OF BEING HUMAN. It is an actual energy or blueprint that only you can leave. It is your organic script and it has twists and turns that are there to be discovered and evaluated by no one else but you. You are then in a position of experience to share and serve. This all happens after you draw conclusions in your journey. It is full of values, limits, and preferences and part of it is discovering new ones along the way.

I have done thousands and thousands of personality profiles over my career and I can tell you no two people are alike. I can say with confidence that every Human is unique and each bone in their body or tone of their voice or the way they walk or think is for a reason and has the ability to affect another for good. In my experience and my opinion, we all have a purpose of our own.

It seems like every couple of days at Human Art someone asks us what is going on with our world and relating to each other. They ask our opinion on what is the problem. I don’t know what the main problem is, but I do know that I see this “Once Upon a Time” dynamic all the time. In unhealthy people, and even in good people sometimes. When I see it in myself I move fast to correct it. I think to some degree we all play the role of the villain to someone, and but if we all get really familiar with this “once upon a time” dynamic I really believe we can turn things around and fix at least some of these concepts that everyone of us is feeling some consequences of. I believe in the human dynamic, I believe, that we want to prosper. I don’t know what we have lost along the way, but I know we can find it again. I know deep down we all love, hope, and have dreams.

I think people are good and I believe in them, because I believe in my heart that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

**In the next few weeks we will be talking about what unhealthy and healthy once upon a time dynamics look like for each design and how to navigate them.

“Who Are You…Really?” Getting ME Back

Posted on June 25, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

There are many strategies that we as humans use to try and determine whether we can trust someone or not. One of the most common that I have heard about is deciding if people are kind and consistent. Another great way to determine if you can trust someone is if they are authentic. If they are not, it doesn’t always mean they have ill will intended for you, it could just mean they are insecure. Regardless of the reason, it is just a good way to know whether or not you can trust someone, especially with your own vulnerabilities.

If someone is not authentic and is trying to project a self that is not really them, it can mean that they don’t even trust themselves. If this is the case, they might not be a great candidate for someone to confide in or draw close to you. A manufactured self cannot generate anything because they are not a real self, just a projected version of who that person wants you to believe they are.

If you find yourself in a place where you are the one projecting something that you are not, it might be time to ask yourself, “who am I?” and start the process of getting your true self back.

We all seem to experience trials to some degree and, as we have discussed in the past few weeks, that puts us in a position to lose a little or a lot of who we really are. It is at this point we need to do an about face and run right back to who we really are authentically.

*Photo Source: Pexels (text added by Human Art)*

The first step to that is take a trip down memory lane and think about those things that were important to you when you were very young. Children usually don’t have an agenda to impress, they just seem to love to explore, and it seems natural to them to be curious. If you look back to when you were young you will find clues about how you were made, your design, and personality, and what you were beginning to value.

Second, think of your hopes and dreams. What are the things that bring meaning to you and your life? Spend time focusing on and discussing these with safe people around you. It will keep the focus on those things and can create a passion to see them out.

Third, assess regrets. Ask yourself what you regret not doing and, if it is healthy, make a plan to do it or have a do over. Find a way in your situation to slowly incorporate changes in some way to eliminate regret and move forward.

Lastly, remember that your design is unique and you are made completely different than anyone else. However, each design has a few different regrets in common, so it might be a helpful start to evaluate where you want to begin your journey in getting back to who you are authentically.

SATURATED
They love order, so any regrets usually have to do with not having the discipline to create the order around them that they need. They also love appropriateness or dignity so anytime they step off that kind of integrity, it eats at them. If that is the case, it is a good idea to have the healthy conversations needed to set the record straight as to what is really important to them and what they value.

WHITENED
They love enrolling, so when they have had situations where they have left someone out it eats at them. If this is the case, to make it right they either need to go back and make that person feel a part of things or, if that is not possible or unhealthy, just learn from it and correct that dynamic in future interactions. Make sure that same mistake is not repeated. Whitened people also love change, so if you find yourself relating to this and you are not creating the spontaneity in your life that leads to healthy growth, create it. Don’t wait for others to do it, you do it for yourself and enjoy all those that are willing to experience it with you.

GRAYED
They value tradition and thread relationships, so when a tradition gets cut off or a thread relationship in your life has been cut off, this can eat at them. If this is the case, bring back those old important traditions and create them again in a way that is meaningful to you. It might not be exactly the same and with the exact same people, but find components of the tradition that are fulfilling and bring them into the start of a new tradition, be the guard of it, and make sure it happens from now on. Take ownership of it. If relationships have been cut off and they are good healthy relationships, reach out. It doesn’t have to be much. Just a, “hello how are you?” to start that connection again.

BLACKENED
They value tasks and being able to fix it. If they have regrets it usually has to do with not mending or fixing something. If it is healthy and good for everyone around, then take the time to go back and fix what you missed. If it is not healthy, change the expectation of the fix and create a new compartment int your brain for “fixing is not fixing.” It is being able to label it “let it go” or not worth it.” Don’t save unhealthy things as something to fix or check off, just re-label them as not fixable and then you can move on. Take it off the list of things to fix.

These might not be representative of the whole journey of getting your authentic self back, but they are a great place to start evaluating what needs to happen in order to get your authenticity back or make it stronger. You are worth it, and it is a matter of telling those around you that they can trust you because you are honest about who you are.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Getting Our Authentic Self Back After Trauma – The Grayed and Blackened Designs

Posted on June 18, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We talked last week about how trauma, big or small, can take away our authenticity. It is in those small traumas that occur over time that we are at risk of forgetting who we are and losing our sense of self and self-love. It leads us to give up a little confidence in our self each time we experience self-doubt because of a trauma. Remember, a trauma is anything life changing or that changes life as it was. Someone treating you harshly or really inflicting pain in any way can be considered traumatic and has potential to hit our authenticity. As a personality profiler, it is important to me that if you have experienced this on any level, run as fast as you can back to you authentic self.

When I am picking colors for any project, I consider which ones I will use based on what communication is needed. Last week I talked about how the Saturated and Whitened colors both need to shine; this week let’s talk about Grayed and Blackened.

If the colors selected are Grayed or Blackened, one component that needs to be present, no matter what color it is, is that both these designs relate better to the communication if they are matte. It is common in both designs that the communication is a little more understated. They like things more organic.

It is the same when these types of people are relating to others. Part of experiencing trauma is so much light and attention is shining on the person in a trauma, and just that fact alone can be even more traumatic. When someone in this design gets criticized for wanting to navigate the consequences of the experience in a more understated way, it can lead to extreme behavior in an attempt to protect themselves and get out of the spotlight. This can become a safety strategy over time.

Getting your authenticity back after a trauma
We had a client that experienced this. This client was desperate to find employment but had been treated harshly in past employment. The effects on this client were pretty damaging and in an attempt to keep it in a quiet place they just quietly and without any disruption left and looked for another job. The problem is that part of the criticism from the former boss led them to not trust anyone. In the interviews for each job, the minute the interviewer would ask questions about how they put themselves out there it created fear in our client. In an attempt to combat that fear, they would shut down and malfunction. Needless to say, the job hunting wasn’t going well for a while.

It is important to remember that the Grayed loves things matte and organic but in a refined way. Things that are understated but have been put through a process to make them even more desirable and legitimate. It is the same with the Grayed person. They love to be conservative but in their authenticity it still should be processed and analyzed in calm ways to make things more desirable. More desirable results equals more desirable conversations. The depth of things is where the Grayed design does its best work. Getting in and looking at all contingencies. That is the way back to authenticity.

It is also important to remember that the Blackened design loves thing matte and organic but in an earthy way. Just the way it is and was created. It is what it is. So the understated nature of the Blackened is the “no fuss” part of being in a conversation, or a dynamic, almost always as part of a task. That is the way back to the Blackened authenticity.

Being understated, conservative, or matte is so beautiful, and is a great way to navigate your way back from trauma. Find those things around you that make you feel safe in this form of authenticity. The road back to that place is filled with a collection of understated quiet conversations, calm interactions, and natural and organic experiences. To get there, find someone or something that will fulfill those needs. If they don’t relate to that design its ok, just find someone who will support it and celebrate it. Engage and put effort into things. It’s okay to pace it. Be matte and go deep into things. It is a beautiful way to find the romance and creation of your life.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook