Category: Conflict

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Grayed Design

Posted on July 22, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When you are learning to recognize the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” dynamics in your life or with one or two people around you, I believe we all have the desire to move into a healthier space. Moving out, however, can feel overwhelming, so the tendency is to avoid that action all together. This has potential to lead us to more hopelessness and feeling stuck. Remember that you can move one step at a time. Start to unpack these kinds of relationships, and with each new bit of information just take a little step forward. If you are moving and growing (even if it is slow) you are still on the right track. There is no one behind you with a stopwatch when it comes to discovering new things about yourself and growing (if there is then that could be a problem and is possibly the first place to start unpacking). Each person’s pace and timing on the way to learning how to prosper is as individual as each person is themselves.

What does prosper look like?

GRAYED

For someone who is high in the Grayed design, to prosper is to experience things. It’s all about the journey, and what dictates if the journey is prosperous or successful lies all in the details. Good or bad, they love to dissect and analyze them. It is where the joy and learning lives. The fuel is time. They need time to process the details so they get the most out of every experience that they possibly can. They love to slow down and look ahead to see all the possibilities and contingencies. It is a Grayed person’s playground and it is meticulous and refined.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic the main character or Grayed person seems to quickly buy into the projective identity that they are too slow—that is the hook. You would think it would be more complex, but in most cases it isn’t. The controller just has to keep throwing out that storyline and point out all of the times that Grayed person has taken too long. All the controlling person has to do is cast that out there and if the Grayed character bites on it then they themselves will complicate it by adding all of the details and contingencies. The controlling person can now just sit back and watch them swirl. If the Grayed person starts to analyze in a healthy way, the controlling person will quickly recast another line out full of examples of how they are taking too much time. They will sometimes say it is unnatural.

The” can be” of the Grayed design is that they can overthink, get overwhelmed, and then avoid. That is dangerous because they tend to shut down and lose their curiosity; it’s as if they leave their post and the controller is now present to do whatever damage they want with no one there to neutralize those hits.

If a Grayed person is at a point where they want to navigate the “Once Upon a Time” dynamic in a healthy way and turn it into their own “happily ever after,” the best thing is to start with listening in the very meticulous ways that the Grayed design is known for. Use your discovery first and when you hear repeated statements that seem peppered or harsh, like, “you think too much,” “You overthink things,” or something else to that effect, that might be the best place to start. You can analyze those relationships. The next step is to engage in conversations. Start by simply asking questions and then looking for open-ended answers that can lead to a healthy conversation. Then that is when you support yourself in asking for what you need. If you need more time, negotiate for it. If you need more answers, ask for help. When someone tells you that you are slow, tell them you are meticulous and ask if they have a specific time in which they need an answer. All these will get you back into your authenticity. Most importantly, stay engaged in finding that healthy place, and then support yourself by staying there.

The Grayed “can be” to get overwhelmed can be a barrier—don’t let it be. If you feel overwhelmed, break down what is overwhelming you personally first, then make a plan for that. If you try and complicate it with what is overwhelming others when you are trying to get your answers it will get you in a place where you spin out because you can’t connect it all. Just make your connections first, then from that healthy place help solve the others. Just stay engaged at all costs. I mean stay engaged in your process and protect it.

One of the best things that the Grayed design offers is your ability to stay calm. Because you tend to be understated and conservative you don’t make bold moves all the time. Most the time you are constant and methodical and that brings a calmness to a room, a conversation, or task. Stay in that value and don’t let anyone convince you that you are not those things. Think about healthy things because your design tends to process what you are focused on.

You deserve your process. You deserve your authentic route. We all do, because everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Whitened Design

Posted on July 15, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Learning about this “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” as we have in the last few weeks is very important to inviting healthy relationships into our lives. Being able to recognize this dynamic in any relationship is as important as recognizing physical systems when we are sick with any physical ailment. When we are not aware of it we run the risk of dismissing it when really we are right in the crossfires of this dynamic. As far as I can see, as long as we can name these dynamics for what they are we are in a much better place to prosper in all aspects of life because we can side-step the unhealthy connection in any relationship.

What does prosper look like?

WHITENED

For the Whitened design, whether or not you prosper is based on how the people around you are interacting and enrolling in any relationship, conversation, or task. They are good at noticing what people like and dislike and they are good at anticipating the needs of others. They pull all of this off in a light and free manner that tends to be nonthreatening. It is part of their charm.

In the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time Dynamic” a controlling person will see these Whitened traits and will prey upon the fact that the Whitened person loves to please and it is important to them that those who they interact with are reasonably happy and comfortable. If that controlling person expresses that they are not happy, it can weigh on the Whitened person. To the degree of the Whitened design in the person is equal to the degree it will weigh on them and also dictates the degree that will act on it. If they cannot come to a reasonable resolution it has a high potential to create hopelessness.

The Projective Identity put on the Whitened person by the controlling person now looks something like a criticism that leads back to a narrative that the Whitened person is careless and not paying attention. The components of the narrative are designed to make the Whitened person feel as if they created this and that they displease others with their carelessness; the controlling person will sometimes go as far as to make the Whitened person feel like they are out of line in some way for putting that much thought and attention into caring about what others think. The Whitened is led to believe that their spontaneity is elaborate and that they are actually irresponsible and illogical for thinking and behaving this way. That is where dominance begins because the controlling person will flood the Whitened person with examples of how responsible and logical they are, and they seem to make it fun and enjoyable. They can go so far as to sell the idea that they please people more than the Whitened does and then the Whitened is now dependent on them not only to deem them OK, but to show them the way back.

Once the Whitened person is in this place of fear, they run the risk of showing up in their “can be.” The can be of the Whitened is they can over-enroll, so it now becomes more evidence and ammunition for the controller in their dynamic to drive them further into believing the narrative.

We have a client that is Whitened. This client values being social and celebrating others. They love to interact with others. They have a keen sense of when someone wants to interact with them and when someone just wants space, and either one is fine with this client. They started out very secure.

They have an insecure person in their family. When the insecure person is not doing well socially and doesn’t seem to be getting what they want, they turn directly to this Whitened person and start accusing them of not being able to show up for people in healthy ways. They will go as far as to convince them that people don’t really like them and their Whitened ways are irritating others. As soon as this comes up, the Whitened person “gets hopping” meaning gets busy to please people more. The more they try, the more this other insecure person brings up evidence of their illogical carelessness that is annoying others. Classic projection!!!

The best way for the Whitened person to navigate their way back to a healthy “Once Upon a Time” and find their version of a “Happily Ever After” is to define happiness for themselves and plant themselves right in that spot. If you are happy and feel good and you add that to respecting others needs, you will navigate yourself right back to that secure place where it will not be as threatening if others are not pleased and happy. You can remain calm and lighthearted even when others are not. If you find yourself in a situation where those around you need space, honor that, but meet your own self care needs in healthy ways. Anticipate your needs and act on them. It’s not selfish because the Whitened person’s attention will quickly be directed to others as soon as someone else comes along. In fact, that secure calmness that you emulate will be a great source of security for yourself and those interacting with you. It is contagious.

I have seen it time and time again, if you decide you want to prosper in any aspect of life, going back to your authentic way of doing things will always lead you to your hopes and dreams. They might take a detour, but if you are true to who you are and what your design and personality is, you will find ways to enjoy the ride while you are being redirected. Stay in your lane and navigate it in a way only you can. Everyone deserves that, and everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Design Inner Conflict: The Blackened Design

Posted on May 29, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Navigating and learning to settle our inner conflict is important because it dictates how we solve problems and interact with others. Often, we are not aware of how much our inner conflict gets externalized onto others. Understanding what is going on within ourselves will help us to appropriately navigate those conflicts so we can be successful with ourselves as well as with others.

We’ve already covered what inner conflicts might look like for the Saturated, Whitened, and Grayed designs, so let’s finish off this series by talking about the Blackened.

The Blackened personality likes to line up their boxes each day so they can be efficient with their time. Each box becomes a task and a strong expectation. For example, two boxes may have the same priority at the same time. It is difficult for the Blackened to figure out which one is the most important. Logically, it is hard to bump one of the priorities to second place. This produces a lot of strong emotion. Again, this emotion can get displaced onto others.

Blackened with an Influence of Saturated
If you have a person who is Blackened first with a strong Saturated second, the inner conflict will be over when to move out to do a task. The Blackened is already moving to fix it but the Saturated wants to wait until the task can be done in a quality way. It is not a “start-stop” as much as it looks like a stop. The Saturated stops it but the Blackened is trying to low-key get done what it can while the Saturated is figuring out the quality standard.

Blackened with an Influence of Whitened
If you have a person who is primary Blackened with a strong Whitened second, the inner conflict can be intense. The Blackened’s goal is to get things done. The Whitened is fine with that but it wants to bring people along and socialize it. The Blackened wants people to be working and the Whitened wants to make sure that people are having fun. The inner conflict is, “do I value their work ethic, or do I value how much fun they are having?” It sounds like, “He is a lot of fun but he is not a hard worker,” or “He is a hard worker but he is not fun to be around.”

Blackened with an Influence of Grayed
If you have a Blackened person with a strong Grayed second, the inner conflict is avoidance, because the Grayed part dictates whether the job gets done or not. The Blackened knows immediately what needs to be done. The grayed needs to get the details of the job. If the Grayed cannot get the right details, it goes into avoidance mode. The Blackened criticizes the Grayed for not having the strength to just get it done.

If you have any Blackened in your personality, you will relate to these inner conflicts. A good skill is to put a few “flexibility boxes” into your day and use them to connect with people. The likelihood of all of your boxes happening the way you think they should is a lot lower than you anticipate. So those flexibility boxes create a space for the secondary designs to meet needs.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

Design Inner Conflict: The Grayed Design

Posted on May 21, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When we think of our own inner conflicts, it is interesting that often we feel the pull of the inner conflicts of our designs, but were never sure what it was or why. It is usually a relief to put a name or explanation on that dynamic. It really does benefit us to get familiar with our own conflicts. When we take the time to evaluate and understand our inner conflicts and the unique dynamics of how they work, it helps us become healthier. When we are dealing with them they have a way of making us feel crazy—it is literally like we are at war with ourselves—so if we can properly navigate them we can rise to a higher level of relating to others and also find a greater sense of self.

We’ve talked about what those conflicts look like for dominantly Saturated and Whitened people, let’s talk this week about the Grayed design.

The Grayed Inner Conflicts
The Grayed central focus is summed up in one word: meticulous. The details are so important, and they are the groundwork of any conversation, dynamic, task or interaction of any kind. If the Grayed person can’t get the details they need and the time to process or research those details, it has the potential to freeze them. They could then move straight to avoidance. If they do get the details they need, it moves them forward and provides meaning to whatever it is they are navigating.

Grayed with an Influence of Saturated
When a Grayed person has a strong Saturated secondary design, the inner conflict usually shows up in the thought process or the planning stages. Because both designs are introverted, most of the time this war goes on inside but it carries the fight through the entire day. The Grayed part of the thought process wants all the details and can spin round and round basting in the contingencies, where the Saturated part wants a declaration or conclusion right now. The “war” sounds like, “I want to think this through, but I need to make a decision.” As another example, when it comes to money the Grayed loves saving, but the Saturated loves buying a quality piece. Once the purchase is made the Grayed can’t wait to save again.

Grayed with an Influence of Whitened
When you have a person who is high in Grayed with a strong secondary Whitened design, the war is between the conservative nature of the Grayed and the celebrative nature of the Whitened. In any type of interaction, the Grayed wants to keep it understated and within limits, and will err on the cautious side. The Whitened however, wants to emphasize the spontaneity and anticipate the other’s needs so they will err on side of the “wow factor.” As a result, when faced with a big event they may not know where to land.

Grayed with an Influence of Blackened
When you have a person who is predominantly Grayed with a high Blackened secondary, the rub is in the fact that the Grayed wants to think about it and the Blackened just wants to do it. Often times it has a “start and halt, start and halt” pattern. It can look like malfunctioning because of the start-stop sequence. It’s like the Grayed is saying, “Can we talk about this?”

Whatever the conflict is, if you have a predominant Grayed design, my advice is to engage and stay engaged because you can think about it along the way. If you are engaged, you can always take a moment to think or process or ask a question, or even just listen. The worst thing a Grayed person can do is shut down and avoid. If you can stay engaged, your interactions will be more rewarding and your conversations will have more depth.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

Design Inner Conflict: The Whitened Design

Posted on May 13, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As I said last week, an “inner conflict” is just like the difficult dynamics that can occur between totally different designs; but instead of a different person, it is a conflict with the differences in your own predominant design and your secondary designs. It is literally a fight with yourself.

We talked about how that inner conflict can look for a person who is dominantly Saturated, let’s talk this week about the Whitened design.

Some of you are high in the Whitened design, others might have a strong influence in it, yet others might just have a little bit. No matter what the case is, let’s talk about how it shows up. It is important to remember the central focus of the Whitened design is social; so enrolling others in their life is important to them. They love to anticipate others’ needs and a big part of that dynamic is that the people they interact with are happy. If the Whitened design can please those around them, they find joy. They still have boundaries and limits if they are healthy, but they are very patient and are often willing to stay in a growing and learning dynamic for a long time. They seem to tolerate it well. They are pleasant and don’t seem to have agendas along the way.

Whitened with an Influence of Saturated
The inner conflict of a design high in Whitened with a Saturated influence is that the Whitened wants to please others and enroll them, but when it gets too complicated the Saturated part of their design sometimes gets overwhelmed and wants to disconnect in an attempt to get some space. The Whitened can morph well to others and what they are doing, but it confuses the Saturated part of their design. It has the potential to leave that person lost as what to do. The Saturated wants to assess any violations in relationships with others to stay safe, and the Whitened wants to forgive—so it leads to an inner conflict. The Whitened stays safe through forgiveness and the Saturated stays safe through order, so it can be a challenge finding balance between the two.

Whitened with an Influence of Grayed
The Whitened wants to be free to move here and there in relationships quickly, and can start where people are at. They can jump in wherever the person they care about is and just move from there. The Grayed needs more information first so they know how to ease in, and they enjoy a slower pace. The inner conflict shows up right there. The Whitened part of the design creates safety by their willingness to go where others need them to go to give support, where the Grayed creates safety through being cautious.

Whitened with an Influence of Blackened
The Whitened has no guile and no agenda so, again, someone high in Whitened will navigate their life with that as their guide. The Blackened, however, is all about agendas, which is usually tasks and a “get ‘r done” approach, so the inner conflict is where to put their energy. Do I create spontaneity and have adventures in that “no agenda” way, or do I just get what needs to be done, DONE? The inner conflict is that each design has strong emotions on what is the most credible and it can become a fight inside. The Whitened creates safety by making those around them feel safe as they are moving through tasks, while the Blackened creates safety through the structure of the tasks.

You can see that there is great potential for inner conflicts to overwhelm a person, but don’t let them. Just be mindful of the way the different designs navigate life and roll with it. It is where you will do your best work—by letting an amount of all of them do their magic. It is where your success lies. We need to use some of all four, because we were made with some of all the designs. It is important to acknowledge them all in the amounts that we have them. That is the very thing that makes each human unique. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

~Brook