Category: Relationships

Put it on a Shelf: See Things from the Other Perspective

Posted on by Brook Thornley

“It’s so hard to talk to someone and really try to understand their perspective without running it through the filter of my own design,” someone said to me. In fact, I have heard this several times this week from clients at Human Art. I hear it often. I think this is one of the greatest challenges when trying to collaborate with someone. Our own thought process works so well for us as individuals it is easy to think that is how others should think too.

I believe that each of us puts forth our best effort when we are trying to understand another perspective, we just too often try to take their point of view while still having one foot planted firmly in our own way of thinking. It tends to feel like quite an emotional tug. It’s as if we are saying, “I really want to see your view but I’m still looking through my lens.”

(Photo Source: photoauris / 123RF Stock Photo)

The best way to collaborate is to completely put your view on the shelf while you are trying to see someone else’s view. When I say put your view on the shelf, I mean completely; with all of your opinions, emotions and the type of thinking that you do with your design. For example, if you are Saturated and you are talking to someone really Grayed. Try and think of it as if you were that Grayed person. As if you were very detail-oriented instead if your usual focus of being precise. It’s role playing at its best.

I remember when I was younger learning how to do personality profiles. I would concentrate on literally putting my design aside as if I was putting it on a shelf for later, and imagining the experience form the other person’s design. It didn’t come easily at first, I had to practice this; but with time it just became automatic.

What if we all practiced this? With our families, with people at work, in our communities. How many times a week do you find yourself saying, “What were they thinking?” Well how about going one step further and answering that. Answering from their point of view or design, not our own.

So I declare it (with absolutely no authority to do so, just one single human) National “Put it on a Shelf Week!!!”  Try it for 7 days. Notice how relationships start to change. Use your discovery and curiosity. Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Valentine Validation: The Love Designs

Posted on by Brook Thornley

I remember Valentine’s season in elementary school. I would always look forward to decorating my Valentine’s box. You know, the one that started with the leftover shoe box.

When you were in kindergarten it seemed to be a contest of the kindergarten moms more than the kids to see who had the cutest one (I seriously think that very thing started the evolution that ended in what we now refer to as Pinterest). By the time we got to the fourth grade it was half the moms’ competition and half “Oh just throw something together!” By fifth grade the teacher is doing them in class just to get us to participate and by sixth grade it was a required assignment—some of them even showing up with tin foil around a box with a heart on it; frantically put together in kitchen the night before or even the morning of. For me though, it was a fun thing regardless of the year.

The real magic of the box, though, was bringing it home and running to your room as fast as you could to open it up and see what romantic surprises were inside (Ok, mostly we just wanted to see which ones had candy in them). I, however, was a little different. I would run in, dump them on the floor, and excitedly search to see if there was that one thing I thought would be the measurement of whether it was going to be a good Valentine’s Day or just another day: the conversation hearts.

Every year, there they seemed to be. It wasn’t the taste I craved, it was what was on it. If I related to the messages I read, somehow I felt like I would be validated in some way. Phrases like, “cutie pie,” or “hug me,” “kiss me,” “be mine”…It seemed like whatever was on those hearts that someone had carefully dropped in my valentine envelope (the ones you can lick all day long and they still won’t seal!) was somehow a message from the universe to me as an indicator of how my Valentine’s Day was going to be defined. Sometimes I would even think that they would even be able to describe how much I was loved that day or even on rare occasions my youth made me think that that one heart had the power to validate my day and the kind of person I was.

Well, they didn’t of course, but I do think the people who created those Conversation Hearts were on to something. It wasn’t the heart or the message as much as it was that the messages that I got in my envelope really appealed to the way I like receiving expressions of love. In other words, those messages or gifts are said or done in a way that speaks to my authentic self and are in line with the way I truly need to love myself. At Human Art we call it your “Love Design.”

When we talk about our “Love Design,” it is not so much the way others give it, but in the way you receive it. Here is an example: My husband, Rod, is Blackened. He is a “get ‘r done” kind of guy. He knows part of my love design is being surprised. He has a habit of sending flowers on special occasions (which I can’t even tell you how much I love that), but he also tries to incorporate that surprise element (and does it so well) because he knows I love that also. He hits the mark so much because he tries to get outside of himself to make it an experience that I would love.

It’s perfect, but even after all these years that “get ‘r done” guy shows up. He just can’t stop himself from buying me something practical like a hammer. When this happens, I might be a little disappointed by the “romance” part of it, while at the same time greatly appreciating the gesture part of it.

 The gesture part of it. If we are emotionally healthy and understand intimacy we will get it. In this situation, I would extract any evidence of my “Love Design” being present in the gesture and be grateful for it. I could have latched on to the disappointment in the lack of romance, but instead I found my “Love Design” in how I received it; such as being “surprised” at how much he paid attention to what was broken or needed in the house. What was “broken” is that every time I designed something and wanted to hang it I couldn’t find a hammer and would get so frustrated. This would happen day after day that particular year (you would think after a few times I would remember to get a hammer, but for whatever reason I wouldn’t). I was able to feel genuine surprise in the gesture that he paid attention to me day after day; and that was romantic. Not in a flowers and new pretty shoes way, but in a “someone is observant and watching after me” way. So just like I was looking for in the conversation hearts, the message in that hammer gift could validate me and make me feel loved, because I was able to extract my “love design” from his gesture to feel loved in the way I feel it best.

It is what I was searching for in the candy hearts all over again, but this time I know it is not the universe validating me it is myself accepting intimacy and romance from someone who is truly trying to show me. How I feel about it is determined by what evidence I am seeking when I receive it. It is also true that though I found romance in the gesture, I love the flower and pretty new shoe years better! It’s like getting the coveted “I Love You” conversation heart and it’s pink!!!

So this year on Valentine’s Day, recognize it as a two way street. First we try our best to give our valentine (whether it be husband, wife, mother, friend, children, etc.) a gift that is truly in their “Love Design”, and second we make sure we are accepting our valentine expressions from others by finding our “Love Design” in the gesture.

The Love Designs

Saturated: “Wine and Dine”
Hit the mark. The mark is determined by what they deem quality. Whether it be a diamond or time spent with them, that is their quality. Let them deem it, then you quietly provide it without drawing a lot of attention to them. Hit that mark. Let them sneak away and quietly enjoy it. They love when you simply leave it somewhere for them to discover it alone and to take it in with no one watching.

Whitened: “Surprise Party”
Watch them all year and anticipate their needs. Listen to what they say they love, then surprise them with it. They will love it. They are social, so the more friends and loved ones you involve the better. Also the more polka dots the better!

Grayed: “Romancing the Details”
Think thoroughly before you decide what to do for them. Listen to the details of what makes them truly feel heard. Then don’t rush the process. Point out every detail— the more details the better. Then deliver your Valentine expression to them through a process. Explain the story of how you arrived at that expression. Bring them along in the process, it will be more fulfilling to them. Abrupt starts and stops to the experience make it less fulfilling and romantic. They love when you lean into the process with them. 

Blackened: “Check it Off”
Just take their to do list, their responsibilities, or whatever needs to get done and do as task for them. It is the best for them. Seriously, take out the garbage or paint a wall. Lift their load by doing a project they need to get done. It is the most romantic thing that you could do for them. The important part is to tell them which task you did and why you did it for them. If you don’t say anything, waiting for them to notice, it just becomes one more thing on their list that they have to do when they have to tell you that they noticed what you did.

 

Think of it as if we have moved into a grown up version of conversation hearts. When we get the one that resonates with our authentic self it just feels more romantic. Isn’t that the point of Valentine’s Day in the first place? We all want to feel accepted for who we are. We have an innate desire to be loved for who we really are. We have a need to be celebrated for the person we are. We all need a Valentine. It can be a partner, it can be a parent, it can be a friend, it can even be a coworker. It can even come from inside and be from yourself. It is important who it comes from but it is most important to love yourself enough to accept the validation when it comes. Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Relationship Dynamics: How to Get Rid of Hopelessness

Posted on by Brook Thornley

It feels so good to be blogging again. Sometimes Human Art requires our attention elsewhere, but being this is one of my favorite things to do, I am glad to be blogging today.

With that said, one of the tasks that we spend a considerable amount of time with is with families; giving them information that helps with family dynamics (or any relationship for that matter). In every case we find one thing that is all too familiar: It takes time to build new skills when it comes to relationships, but it takes no time at all for a destructive dynamic to rip progress apart and sometimes we feel like we are right back where we started from. That can be a hopeless feeling.

Hopelessness looks different for each design. If a specific dynamic in each design falls apart, that can bring a feeling of hopelessness to the relationship from that person’s perspective. The Saturated design needs clarity in dynamics, Whitened needs enrolling availability, Grayed needs deep connections, and Blackened needs their expectations to be met. You can see that each person’s need in the dynamic is different, so it has a different version of hopelessness and therefore is often misunderstood because it is not the same version of the other person’s hopelessness. It has potential to get complicated. But it doesn’t have to. Just remember in building a relationship don’t destroy the progress you’ve already made.  Honor the other’s needs in a dynamic. After all most of the time when we are upset we are reacting to a dynamic, not the person themselves. We love the people we choose to be in relationships with. We sometimes get frustrated with the dynamic.

 

Three Things to Clear out of Dynamics in a Relationship

  1. Hijacking and Overriding. Hijacking is an external punishment designed to take control or stop dynamics but is destructive. Examples would be temper tantrums, intimidation, aggression, or drama. Overriding is avoiding or withholding. Minimizing a dynamic and pretending it isn’t there or just stepping right over it. It is designed to avoid and excuse oneself from taking responsibility.
  2. Emotional personality. We have an authentic personality that includes our autonomy, our development, and our skills in a relationship. An emotional personality is developed when we feel overwhelmed and our authentic needs in a dynamic are not being met. It has its own set of skills and talents that are usually nothing like our authentic personality and are very destructive, like anger or harshness to name a few. The trick is to minimize our emotional and destructive personality (it is not who we are) and maximize our authentic personality in relationship dynamics.
  3. Get rid of Harshness and Add Compassion. We have equal compassion for ourselves and the person we are in a relationship with. No one gets more or less. We can have compassion for the other person and see why a dynamic is hard for them and have equal compassion for oneself and understand why they might be struggling also.

So take a little inventory. What are the dynamics in your family? What are the authentic needs? What can we clean out to avoid hopelessness? Remember, if someone you love is overwhelming you it is possible it is a dynamic. Make it easier by using your authentic strengths and a little compassion and you can tackle the dynamic. If you do, you will know you have done your best. That provides an opportunity for others to do the same. It will strengthen your confidence in relationships. And always, always remember: everyone is a masterpiece!

Celebrate Others: Step Out of Your Design

Posted on by Brook Thornley

When Rod asked me to marry him years ago I was so excited. I remember the day well. We had a conversation that night and I told him I would marry him as long as he understood that our designs were completely opposite (he is Blackened and Grayed and I am Saturated-Whitened.). Because we were on opposite ends of the spectrum, we would never draw the same conclusion on anything. We would always have to both give a little and come to a third conclusion that we could both agree on (we got married so obviously we were both fine with that).

It is amazing how true it has turned out to be. Needing to find that third solution really has been the case over the years. One of the important aspects of that scenario and making it work is celebrating each other’s designs. I mean truly celebrating each other’s designs.

In order to truly celebrate you have to completely step out of your own design. Think for a moment about when two friends go shopping together. One picks out a shirt and says “look how cute this is!” The other one thinks to herself “not for me,” and then proceeds to hold up the one she picked out and says, “Look, this one is so much cuter!” Couples often go shopping together. Don’t do it! The woman often picks out the suit that is her design and the man picks out the dress he would look amazing in if he were a woman—which is not necessarily what the other person would choose for themselves.

When we are interacting with anyone but ourselves, they are simply not like us; they have a different makeup. The key is to take yourself and your ways of thinking completely out of the picture; put them on a shelf for a minute. Then start using curiosity and discovery to celebrate and truly understand the person you are with. It is really like being an investigator.

Each week we discuss relationships with different people. Some spouses, some siblings, some friends, and even co-workers. At the end of the day, it is usually clear that one of the barriers in these relationships is not celebrating each other. If you want to be healthy and want to interact with others in a way that is healthy it is very important to truly be present. Believe their emotions; don’t correct them based on your design and how you think. If someone is willing to be vulnerable and open up to you it’s a gift. Listen to how it looks to them and then find truth in it. Even in scenarios that are or feel irrational there is most often a shred of truth in them. Put your design on the shelf for a moment and try to see it from their side.

We are all so different but, just like Rod and I have had to do over the years, find the other person’s perspective, understand it, and then celebrate it. Make them feel amazing for how they are and how they think. You will be surprised how fast they begin to overlap and start doing the same for you. It is truly important to celebrate others because, remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

When Opposites Attract

Posted on by Brook Thornley

Opposite colors on the color wheel when set side by side have the ability to enhance each other. For example, the colors blue and orange. The blue appears more blue when placed next to orange, and vice versa. So if I were designing a table setting and I wanted to enhance the fact that the table was orange I would simply put its opposite, blue, as a centerpiece and now the orange appears really orange next to the blue or vice versa.

It is the same in relationships. Let’s say blue and orange were people. They got together and formed a relationship. Blue was really attracted to orange because of the traits orange possesses. Orange is vibrant, alive and social. It holds all the attributes that blue does not, so naturally blue is drawn to orange and seeks it out. Blue on the other hand holds all the characteristics that orange does not. It is intangible and serene. It is calm and has the ability to depress any situation (in design the word depress means to defuse or soften or take it down a notch when something is unbearable and make it bearable again). It is sedate and secure. So naturally orange would be very drawn to blue and seek it out.

Using the fact that opposite colors attract in design is so often helpful and doesn’t have many challenges but when it comes to relationships it is a different story. The potential problem lies in the fact that we are very drawn to our opposite design in any relationship, but when we get close as humans it is in our nature to then, in some way, deem them ours. We use phrases like my friend or my husband or my sibling. Once we have deemed them ours we start the process of turning them into us; as though they are a reflection of ourselves.

Do you know what happens in design when blue tries to take over orange and change it into blue or vice versa? They cancel each other out. You are left with a flat, dull, neutral color. Great color still but all of the passion and excitement is gone. The same thing happens in relationships.

Take Rod and myself. When I met him the first thing I noticed was his attractiveness. He was strong and mysterious. Now 26 years into a marriage I have the potential (if I were to compare him to myself) to accuse him of being stubborn and withdrawn. They are the same traits as strong and mysterious but compared to my design I just view them completely different now, yet nothing has changed with him.  He saw me at first as alive and enrolling. Now 26 years later compared to him he could view me as going all the time and over-enrolling. Again, same traits but it all is in how we look at it.

​

Opposite colors on the color wheel in each design.

It is so important to seek help or understanding if there is a problem in a relationship, but first step back and ask yourself if any of it is just simply in how we are looking at the differences. Remember that some of those differences are the very things that attracted you to that person in the first place s treat them with respect and understanding. If you start from the value that each trait holds it can lead to understanding of both people in a relationship.

So let orange be orange and let it strengthen us socially. Let blue be blue and let it help us be calm and creative. Let all the people in your important relationships be free to be who they are and free to enhance us to be better human beings. That insight into who they are authentically is one of the best gifts you can give someone close to you. Honor their design. Celebrate who they are. Because remember, everyone is a masterpiece!