child – The Original Personality Test Blog

An important component of rapprochement is to be present enough when interacting with a child that you get what is original about that child, and not to project on to them what it is that we want them to be; in other words, to make them like us, or make them navigate more in our own design instead of theirs. We fall into the trap sometimes of thinking that since our design traits work so well for us that others would benefit if they would just use them. This is not always the case. They can definitely learn from us and our traits, but originally as a child is navigating life, he or she does better when exploration is done organically, in their own design and growing their own authenticity.

This is where we would do well to follow them in their discovery. They can then circle around and plug in some of the strengths from others’ designs that will strengthen their character and leads to a more expanded autonomy and independence. If we fail to allow the authentic growth of the child and we can’t get them to give in to our way of doing things, it tends to put the attending adult (us) in distress as well as the child. Then you end up with two infants having a temper tantrum. We are both in a fight for our own autonomy and both feel it at a soul level. It can hit a traumatic level where, more often than not, the child gives in and surrenders their autonomy—forsaking their authenticity. This is due to the threat of the caretaker holding their survival in their hands.

In relationships, adults can do this to each other as well. It is especially true if you have a dynamic where there is an imbalance of power in a relationship. Where there is sometimes a fight for power and control. The more dominating adult plays the caretaker roll and the less dominating adult plays the child roll (infantile regression). This imbalance of power is where you might see this dynamic most, but any adult can fall into this trap because we all love our own way of doing things

This month we are focusing on what the rapprochement needs are in each design. Today let’s talk about the Whitened design.

What tends to overwhelm a Whitened person, and how do they find relief?

A Whitened person is socially driven, so their social circles are very important to them. In other words, ALL their relationships are important to them. One of the indicators of how they are doing in relationships is measured by how happy the people in those circles or relationships are. They love to please others and they do it with no agenda. They just want to enroll each person in these relationships in a lighthearted way. They use their advanced social intelligence (that usually comes with them, even when they are very young) to match others’ emotions.

The Whitened person can get very overwhelmed when someone does not follow them in what is emotionally important to them. This is particularly devastating to them because they spend a lot of attention on the other person to make sure they feel secure in their relationship and they are quick to anticipate needs. When that is not reciprocated, they don’t get mad, they find themselves confused, and engage in a halted type of preoccupation.

Another thing that can really get them overwhelmed is when someone gets angry with them. If this is an adult that is their primary caregiver, this dynamic will be even more devastating. It will feel as if all is lost with this person and they will then react in their type of pushback, which is random, or might seem obnoxious. It is an attempt to alarm the caregiver that they feel alienated and they are completely overwhelmed. It can often embarrass them, and this embarrassment is their form of shut down.

If you want to match their enthusiasm, follow that heightened social intelligence and have that heightened awareness of them and what is going on around them. Follow how these dynamics are affecting them instead of how it is affecting you. If you navigate in that order you can then interject correct principals that are important to you and have helped you. They will absorb them and remember them because it is done in an emotionally safe environment; the kind that they tend to thrive in.

If you want to support them when they are overwhelmed, enroll them in a social and active engagement. Keep it light—they love to banter in lighthearted teasing that is designed to build them up not embarrass them. They love playful activities or conversations, no matter if they are children or adults. They are extroverted, so they will want to socialize what just happened—they literally just want to bounce it off you. If you are not in the mood to do so, you don’t have to socialize it or process it, you can just listen in a light and happy way. When they are small, they might not be able to articulate what the dynamics are, but they will most likely tell you how they absorbed or experienced the dynamic from their view. Where an adult might say, “I was angry with how you handled that,” the child will only be able to say, “you hurt me.” If you are the adult, don’t bite on that; they are not criticizing you they are trying to tell you what happened to them. They are telling you THEY did something to make you mad and they don’t understand it, or they are saying, “it’s on me.”

Here is an example. A client’s daughter is Whitened. She loves to please her family, especially her mother. She works hard on those things that make her mom happy and proud of her, but when it comes to the things she spontaneously does in the day to day play in life, her mom does not relate to them. She gets confused when she so enthusiastically enrolls her mom to see what she just came up with and is met with a look or reaction that is full of confusion but looks a bit like disdain. This would annihilate the Whitened child, and she felt like all was lost in the relationship when really the mother is just confused and trying to connect the behavior to a threat or a future negative pattern in the child’s character. In reality, it is not that deep for the Whitened child. They are just skipping through the day in free movement and expression and it is not designed to cement into a future pattern, just an expression of the happy state they are in today. However, when the parent gives off the displeased cue, the child then reacts in a way that looks like negative attention but is just a desperate attempt to establish connection with the parent. At this point they will take it in a negative way if that is the only option, and will repeat the behavior to elicit more connection.

In these situations, if we could just follow the Whitened child and unpack what it is they experience and how they are blaming themselves or are confused about the relationship, we can offer relief through reassurance that we love them and that the social circle we share with them is intact. That is literally all they need to move out of the negative space. A little lighthearted banter, like a tickle or a funny expression, will always bring the light back into the conversation and the child is in a better place to express their feelings the next time they feel this dynamic. Keep in mind they love change so you will probably never experience the same thing twice, but consistently getting to the bottom of their confusion is the key.

If you are Whitened, or have high amounts of Whitened in your design, go through this week identifying when you are feeling overwhelmed. Identify what social circle or relationship is affected and move to offer yourself your own rapprochement. This will go far in bringing healthy dynamics back to the relationship that is affected. In other words, be your own best friend. If you learn to support yourself and always have the relationship you have with yourself intact, then you are in a healthy place. You will always have one consistent relationship that is in good condition and will offer relief when things might not be going well with others. Create that light environment for yourself so that you always have a place to thrive. Sometimes Whitened people have to flip the golden rule to, “do unto yourself as you would do unto others.” You have got to love yourself before you can truly love others in a healthy way.

Love others as you do, love yourself as you should, and always remember: everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

I love hearing lectures that our in-house clinicians provide on rapprochement. The definition of rapprochement is the “establishment of or state of having cordial relations.” (Merriam-Webster.com) In psychology, rapprochement is a stage of child development as presented by Margaret Mahler, where the child is learning independence and exploration while still wanting to remain close to their caregiver. The concept within rapprochement that I key into is: when we get overwhelmed, where can we consistently find and count on relief? I appreciate looking at children and watching healthy parents follow that child. While molding them through discipline, these caretakers are carefully attending to their interests, their discovery, and their curiosity. Keeping the environment sterile so that the adult is following the child and the child’s growth and needs, and not the child following the needs of the adult or the caretaker. This creates security in the child so they consistently have a place they can go when they feel overwhelmed; they know they are safe to explore and they will (with the assistance of the strong caretaker) come out on the other end of the experience with character and a sense of what they value. It is the underpinnings of their sense of self.

Children are not the only ones who experience a need for relief when they are overwhelmed. They are not the only ones that want to be followed in their interests, discovery, and curiosity. Adults need that from time to time as well. Although we are much better at doing this for ourselves as adults, we still need those safe and secure people around us that will support us when we get overwhelmed. It is still a bonding experience when someone close to us can provide that grown up version of rapprochement. When someone notices and matches our enthusiasm for something new, we feel validated and know we are on the right track.

Whether you are talking about a child or an adult, the other important thing to consider when pondering this concept is that we all need relief in our design. We all need to be followed in our personality and the way our design experiences things. That is how we find relief. Sometimes we make the mistake of inserting our own design when we are trying to provide relief to someone else, and not stepping back to provide the support in a way that speaks to their design.

This month, we are going to talk about what rapprochement needs to be like for each of the designs. Today, let’s talk about the Saturated design.

What tends to overwhelm a Saturated person, and how do they find relief?

A Saturated person needs order. They especially need order in the things that are the most important to them—the things they value the most. Whatever they value the most is their version of quality. Because of this, they get overwhelmed when you try to get them to consider too many things at once. In their thought process they take in information and find the one quality or precise thing that they need to focus on and give the majority of their attention to that. They sequence agendas like this all the time, keeping their eye on the end result—and that result is what they deemed quality in the first place. Feeding them too many things that require equal attention confuses and overwhelms them.

If you want to match their enthusiasm, focus on that one thing that they are focused on at any given time, and give it a lot of consideration. Move with them in their sequencing and celebrate with them when they discover any new version of quality or value.

If you want to provide support when they feel overwhelmed, give them a lot of space. Sometimes just sitting quietly with them or giving them time is the best way to support them. They are introverted, so don’t think something is always wrong when they are quiet; sometimes they are just carefully considering their focus.

A Saturated child tends to experience their one most important thing through feeling it more than they can verbalize it. When others don’t understand what they need and meet them at that place, they get confused as to why others are criticizing them. It is so clear to them what they need or want, but they just are not good at verbalizing it.

For example, a small child refuses to do his work for an entire day at school. Perhaps he has had enough social or even too much stimuli. He can’t verbalize it, but he feels he needs some Saturated time with quiet and no stimuli—his nervous system might be telling him that. It appears that he is being defiant, when he really is just overwhelmed. If we can carefully follow the shut down—follow him in his thought process and unpack that—we will get to that feeling and we are in a better position to help him learn to verbalize it the next time he feels that way. He feels validated, and he has had a safe and secure environment to unpack those feelings and put words to them.

An adult can experience the exact same dynamic. The difference is, a Saturated adult does not have any problem verbalizing that they need space or a quiet time recharge. If we add any fear or threat to that equation then they can come across aloof and cutting, so then instead of being followed and their emotion being matched and understood, they get conflict that overwhelms them even more.

If you are Saturated or have high amounts of it in your personality, go through this week focusing on identifying when you feel overwhelmed. Be the caretaker that you would need if you were a child, for yourself. Create the conditions you need to thrive in healthy ways and move through life being your own best friend. Then you are in a safe and secure place to be a great rapproacher for others—constantly being kind and matching whatever emotion they are experiencing while at the same time aiding in that relief that they so need. This will create healthy bonds and that, to me as I reflect on this concept, is one of the most powerful sources of service that I can think of.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Tag: child

Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We Are Overwhelmed? Part 2

Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed?