Tag: journey

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, Part 3

Posted on August 26, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings it is important for us to find relief if we are feeling unsafe. I feel like we are instinctively driven to run to the safest place when we are overwhelmed or need any kind of reassurance or calm. If we find ourselves in a situation where we have no safe place or no person that is safe, we are in danger of then manufacturing or projecting that we are an “OK” human, or that nothing is wrong. That causes us to just step right over those vulnerable feelings; and while we are stepping we are stuffing them down at the same time.

In other words, without a place or person of safety, the only other option is to avoid the vulnerable feelings all together. If you are high in the Grayed design, you might find yourself in that situation if you cannot find safety in working out the details of your feelings or a task.

One of the major dynamics that sets up “performing to belong” in relationships or interactions between a Grayed person and someone with any of the other designs is the dynamic that a Grayed person romances life through the details. It is the details of the process that are so important to them. So, if someone challenges that or, even worse, criticizes them for taking the time on the details, it has the potential to shut them down. It is so hard for them to move through a task in a hurry and not consider each contingency. That very consideration is how they ensure that things will be done correctly and with the most efficiency to produce optimum results. If someone rushes past all that careful consideration, it tends to freeze or shut down the Grayed way of doing things. The Grayed person is left with no alternate plan because they cannot function if things are not thought through and it creates frustration. On top of all of this, a Grayed person does not like confrontation so they are left to just watch as the project, task, or conversations gets hijacked or, from their perspective, tanked. All this leaves them feeling hopeless.

This is where the Grayed design checks out and avoids all together. They are left with nothing else but to project. Project that they don’t care. Project that they are not available. Project that they can’t engage for whatever reason. So here we are, overwhelmed and wanting to run to the safest place—avoidance. That is the Grayed person’s only option in the perfection way of doing things.

If you are high in the Grayed design and you are in the “being human” way of traveling through life, then the place we will find you at any given time is engaging in the details of that journey. The Grayed person is brilliant at sitting back with a calm about them and taking in all of the contingencies of any given situation. In the healthy way of experiencing life through “being human”, the Grayed person is not as concerned with others’ judgement of whether something is good or bad, but are just content with taking in all that is going on around them and finding the richness in each experience or interaction. They are content to support their position of taking the time to understand all sides and, more importantly, where that might lead everyone, not just them. If we would all step back and listen to a healthy Grayed person evaluate a dynamic we’d discover that it is seldom done from a selfish position, it is often evaluated so that everyone benefits.

The hallmark of the Grayed person is taking the time to see the “what could be” or the “what might be” of each situation. They think each fact through to see where it will end up or where it will put us if we make that decision, so they save us a lot of problems or grief from making the wrong choice or getting a bad outcome. If we would allow them a minute or two (or three or more) they will process through any dynamic and they can evaluate the good and the bad. They can see the romance of each choice. If we can resist dismissing them because they take extra time to think things through, then we get to witness the beautiful acceptance and tolerance that they have for life. If you are Grayed and you want to stay in the “being human” lane of life, then you have to do that for yourself. Support yourself while negotiating, and at all costs stay engaged no matter what is happening because you will help us see all of life, not just limited parts of it.

If you find that you have some Grayed in your personality, go ahead and THINK, PROCESS, TAKE TIME, NEGOTIATE, BE THOROUGH, SEE THE CONTINGENCIES, PLAN, AND ALWAYS DREAM!!! Dream in a way that only the Grayed mind can. You will see the beauty and romance in life. You deserve that and you will help the rest of us see that beauty as well. We deserve that too. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Grayed Design

Posted on July 22, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When you are learning to recognize the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” dynamics in your life or with one or two people around you, I believe we all have the desire to move into a healthier space. Moving out, however, can feel overwhelming, so the tendency is to avoid that action all together. This has potential to lead us to more hopelessness and feeling stuck. Remember that you can move one step at a time. Start to unpack these kinds of relationships, and with each new bit of information just take a little step forward. If you are moving and growing (even if it is slow) you are still on the right track. There is no one behind you with a stopwatch when it comes to discovering new things about yourself and growing (if there is then that could be a problem and is possibly the first place to start unpacking). Each person’s pace and timing on the way to learning how to prosper is as individual as each person is themselves.

What does prosper look like?

GRAYED

For someone who is high in the Grayed design, to prosper is to experience things. It’s all about the journey, and what dictates if the journey is prosperous or successful lies all in the details. Good or bad, they love to dissect and analyze them. It is where the joy and learning lives. The fuel is time. They need time to process the details so they get the most out of every experience that they possibly can. They love to slow down and look ahead to see all the possibilities and contingencies. It is a Grayed person’s playground and it is meticulous and refined.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic the main character or Grayed person seems to quickly buy into the projective identity that they are too slow—that is the hook. You would think it would be more complex, but in most cases it isn’t. The controller just has to keep throwing out that storyline and point out all of the times that Grayed person has taken too long. All the controlling person has to do is cast that out there and if the Grayed character bites on it then they themselves will complicate it by adding all of the details and contingencies. The controlling person can now just sit back and watch them swirl. If the Grayed person starts to analyze in a healthy way, the controlling person will quickly recast another line out full of examples of how they are taking too much time. They will sometimes say it is unnatural.

The” can be” of the Grayed design is that they can overthink, get overwhelmed, and then avoid. That is dangerous because they tend to shut down and lose their curiosity; it’s as if they leave their post and the controller is now present to do whatever damage they want with no one there to neutralize those hits.

If a Grayed person is at a point where they want to navigate the “Once Upon a Time” dynamic in a healthy way and turn it into their own “happily ever after,” the best thing is to start with listening in the very meticulous ways that the Grayed design is known for. Use your discovery first and when you hear repeated statements that seem peppered or harsh, like, “you think too much,” “You overthink things,” or something else to that effect, that might be the best place to start. You can analyze those relationships. The next step is to engage in conversations. Start by simply asking questions and then looking for open-ended answers that can lead to a healthy conversation. Then that is when you support yourself in asking for what you need. If you need more time, negotiate for it. If you need more answers, ask for help. When someone tells you that you are slow, tell them you are meticulous and ask if they have a specific time in which they need an answer. All these will get you back into your authenticity. Most importantly, stay engaged in finding that healthy place, and then support yourself by staying there.

The Grayed “can be” to get overwhelmed can be a barrier—don’t let it be. If you feel overwhelmed, break down what is overwhelming you personally first, then make a plan for that. If you try and complicate it with what is overwhelming others when you are trying to get your answers it will get you in a place where you spin out because you can’t connect it all. Just make your connections first, then from that healthy place help solve the others. Just stay engaged at all costs. I mean stay engaged in your process and protect it.

One of the best things that the Grayed design offers is your ability to stay calm. Because you tend to be understated and conservative you don’t make bold moves all the time. Most the time you are constant and methodical and that brings a calmness to a room, a conversation, or task. Stay in that value and don’t let anyone convince you that you are not those things. Think about healthy things because your design tends to process what you are focused on.

You deserve your process. You deserve your authentic route. We all do, because everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

Projected Perfection–How Fast Did You Get There?

Posted on November 13, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

One of my little family’s favorite vacations in the past was going with a group of extended family members to our cabin near beautiful Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It is approximately 5 hours by car. This distance is very important because it is a 5-hour journey through some of the most beautiful country you have ever seen. The brilliance in this journey is that there are 4 different routes that you can pick from, each one with a different menu of landmarks, historical sights and, for us, even family history. There are also eating places to stop and experience in a way that you can’t experience anywhere else. The question is which one to take each time. It sounds a bit like Heaven and has the potential to feel that way, but it is not; and let me tell you why.

With this particular group of family, the speed in which you arrive is equal to how perfect you are in the family relationship. Let me state this again: your arrival time added to the route that you took, yes how fast you got there, is how you find value in this family dynamic.

As each group of cars arrives at the beautiful cabin, the driver’s first item of business is to announce the route he took and how quickly he has gotten there. Some have even boosted their credibility in this family system by adding stories of getting pulled over because they were driving so fast. The more people you have in your car to cater to or the more adversity you experienced on the drive, like a flat tire or terrible slow drivers, just seems to add to your credibility. There is usually little mention to the beautiful scenery.

As silly as this might be, it is a dynamic that is played out daily in our families and close relationships. It is perfectionism at its best.

I feel as if we as humans also get in our vehicles of navigating relationships and decide which route we are going to take and go full throttle forward in a quest to arrive at this projection of perfection; to say, “I AM PERFECT AND NO ONE CAN BEAT MY TIME.”

The danger in this is that though we have the right to make this decision for our self—the right to navigate relationships this way, running for a projection of perfection in the way we think will make us look or appear to be a perfect human (it’s not healthy but we still can choose that way)—we often enlist our passengers (those around us that we love) to come along for the ride and ask them to project the same narrative of perfection.

We see it all the time. The parent that has an idea of what their projection of perfection might look like and the speed or rate in which it is supposed to be obtained. When the child or loved one does anything to mess that plan up, everyone pays. How about the significant other? Once the partner deems them “theirs” they start the process of going through their journey, or route, through life in the mindset that that spouse is now somehow a direct reflection on them and their perceived projection (do not expose or slow them down!). We are all guilty of this to some degree. That is just how we are as humans.

Stop…I promise it does not work.

I’m calling it for everyone, including myself, once and for all. Stop this narrative of performing to belong. Don’t get me wrong, performing is good. Significance is good. It is critical to evolving and becoming better. It’s how we propel forward and it is where progression lives. Achieving is great! It is about how we are going about it and about getting our significance through the correct source.

That source should be our authenticity, our learning, and our process. It is all about getting significance through our uniqueness, and our talents, and character. The best part of that is that we don’t have to be perfect—we can be human. We can make mistakes and not all is lost. We can slow down and look at the scenery and decide what we like and don’t like. We can take back roads and detours and learn from them. And the place we arrive at is perfect in who we are; filled with what we have learned, what we like, love, or dislike. It is our autonomy and we write it. We don’t project it. It is not a narrative, it is a story that unfolds daily, and we can’t wait to see what happens next. We are partnered with those we love and curiosity to see what the next chapter is, and we all have the right to choose a route and see what we get from it; with the right to back up and choose another route with the support of others to see what we get from that one.

It is critical to drive forward in our authenticity, our design.

If you are Saturated, find your one most important thing that you want to see from the route you take. Pick your version of quality and communicate it to those around you, then move forward with the ability to change the route if you are not achieving the quality you need. Don’t get stuck in being unmovable.

If you are Whitened, make it social and thrive in change. Make it about the people you are with. Anticipate needs, enroll others, and make it safe. Avoid the urge to get random if you are not getting enough spontaneity. Communicate your intent and keep the environment safe and neutral. That is what you are good at.

if you are really pondering this article then I would suspect you are Grayed. Start the process of connecting and romancing the details of this trip through life. You have a beautiful flexibility that can process ahead as to all the can be’s might be’s, etc. You are brilliant at possibilities. Yes, you can create more routes. Four routes will never be enough for you. Drive ahead but resist the urge to avoid if it doesn’t look good. Stay engaged, ask questions. When you feel like avoiding, stay in for a few more minutes. It will serve you and all of the others involved.

If you are already lining things up to fix this you are Blackened. The “get ‘er done” people. You are the ones that are prone to stop and help someone with a flat tire or a broken down vehicle, so stop. Serve, love, and listen. There is so much more to fix if you will listen. You can still be moving forward and working while you listen. Just stay open as you move, don’t get forceful. Casualness is your hallmark; you can enroll and influence anyone if it is neutral and casual.

So let’s once and for all on this great earth stop this destructive dynamic of performing to belong. We are better than that. We are to intelligent. Let’s perform to be human.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook