Author: Brook Thornley

Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We Are Overwhelmed? Part 3

Posted on September 25, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

One thing to consider when learning about the rapprochement model is how a person gets overwhelmed. One temperament that is known for lending itself to being overwhelmed is that of sensitivity. To the degree that we are sensitive is the degree, or how frequently, we have potential to get overwhelmed. An example might be two small grandchildren visiting their grandpa. One child is joining their grandfather cheering on a sports event, being loud and is not affected by the noise and commotion. The other might be experiencing the opposite: feeling overwhelmed with the commotion, noise and chaos, and finds the surroundings unsettling. Both children are in the same environment at the exact same time, yet they are experiencing it completely different. In that setting, the child that is feeling overwhelmed is the one in need of rapprochement (or relief) in that moment.

As humans we are sometimes quick to criticize the child that needs relief when compared to the other child in the same situation that doesn’t. This would be a rapprochement foul because it is the situation that is driving the need for relief, not just the child. To prove this point, if you were to flip the activity or environment with these same grandchildren to something that would require a little more sensitivity as a skill, such as navigating a detailed story or staying with a detailed task, the sensitive child will thrive and the other one might get overwhelmed.

It is at the very point that the child is displaying signs or cues that they are overwhelmed that they are in need of healthy rapprochement from a strong, able caretaker that can securely hold their distress and follow them in a conversation to unravel the layers of what is causing them to be overwhelmed. It is a time when we literally need to see it through the child’s eyes and then (with their help) find an integrated declaration and a strong and secure solution for the dynamic. While we are doing this, we are lacing the conversation with encouragement.

As adults, we can fall into this trap when trying to support each other since there is not a child to parent dynamic when trying to comfort each other when feeling overwhelmed. We are in an adult to adult dynamic and the critical piece is that we share equal and mutual power. In some cases, when the other adult in the conversation is displaying sensitivity, we mistakenly read that as infantile and playing the role of a child, and then we take the more dominating position of the adult. It is most often done subconsciously, but nevertheless it leads to more distress on both parts and rapprochement or relief is thrown out the window. So as we interact with adults, we need to remember to continue treating that person as an equal while dealing with the situation.

This month we are focusing on what the rapprochement needs are in each design. Today let’s talk about the Grayed design.

What tends to overwhelm a Grayed person, and how do they find relief?

A Grayed person has a high amount of sensitivity. It is an advanced sensitivity, and when used in a healthy way it is what allows the Grayed person to feel intuitively through situations and pick up on dynamics and emotions that the rest of us might miss. Additionally, once they pick up on those details, they also have an advanced ability to make connections to the contingencies of what’s going on around them. Simply put, they can take the information and carefully connect the dots. This is due to the fact that they will take the time to process what might be, can be, or ought to be for any given situation or conversation.

A Grayed person can get overwhelmed when they are not given the time or the space to process through the aftermath of this advanced intuition. This hit to them can be experienced when they feel criticized or mocked because of the need to think it through. They are conservative, but they have the ability to tolerate extreme situations as long as they can run it through internally first to connect the dots and come up with safe solutions before they run into the drama.

Here is an example:

Let’s go back to the sensitive grandchild in the sports event scenario. If he were allowed to process the details first, he could tolerate the chaos and loud noise just like the other child. If he had advanced warning and could take a little time beforehand to process the event, it would sound INSIDE his mind something like this…

“Okay when we get there, grandpa will have the sports event on. It will be a party so everyone will likely be jumping and cheering. It will be loud. Sometimes the adults get more excited than they usually do in everyday life so they will react differently. Louder. They tend to jump around, so I could get knocked a little. It is all done in fun. I want to have fun with them so I think I will start out by sitting to the side and cheering with them.”

If you want to match their enthusiasm, honor their sensitivity, and bask in the details as they do. If you have an event that you are giving them the details of, tell them the details that you might experience in that setting as well. Listen to their processing and encourage them to bring you along in their thinking, then validate it. Every time I do this with someone that is Grayed, I learn more than they do. They think of things that would never cross my mind. They are thorough, and they help me clean up the things that I miss.

Feeding them details is a great way to support them. If you want to support them when they are overwhelmed, help them unpack the details and organize them into categories that are either solution focused or “things I’m just afraid of”. This sorting helps them keep going and not give up or avoid. They are so good at the details that they can give the same amount of attention to all of them, so helping them get back on track to processing in an inspiring way can feel like a lift. They do not do well with confrontation, so keeping everything on a neutral conversation or collaboration at all times is a great way to support them. Just always be collaborating and bringing each other along. Abrupt starts and stops are very hard on them, so ease them into interactions by picking up where you left off. They see that as compassion and is part of that advanced sensitivity.

Here is another example. In a family that visits Human Art from time to time, one of the daughters is very Grayed and has that advanced sensitivity. The rest of the family is very concrete in their thinking, so they move in a real, logical way to get things done. They find themselves often deeming the Grayed daughter or sister as the “weak one” because she does not move as boldly through life as they do. In one situation, they were in a great amount of stress because the Grayed daughter/sister was not working with them in their daily chores like the others were. They complained that she spent the majority of the time in her room and bathroom with the door locked and wouldn’t participate with the others in daily chores. They expressed their frustration that she would finally come out late, when all of them were done interacting with each other and ready for bed. These accusations frustrated and confused the Grayed daughter and led to her pulling away emotionally from the rest of the family.

When we slowed things down and followed her, we found out that she was in her room so she could take the time to do her chores well so the rest of the family would benefit. When we asked the rest of the family what her chores were, they replied that she was responsible for the upkeep of her room and the bathroom. When we asked the family how well she does those jobs, they went into great detail about how amazing and meticulous those jobs are done, consistently. They even described how she cleans and organizes the drawers and cupboards. One sibling talked about how she would often pack a suitcase when they would go on trips and expressed that it was beautiful to see how organized and prepared the suitcase was. It was done days, sometimes weeks, in advance.

In this situation, the family was missing the Grayed sensitivity and attention to detail. They discovered that they focused more on the fact that she did not come out of her room, and less on the detail of the job she was doing. When they began to help her feel validated, they later explained that she spent more and more time outside of her room and with them because they understood and validated her.

If you are Grayed or have high amounts of the Grayed design in your personality, get in the detailed habit of providing your own rapprochement, and do it in meticulous ways. Ask the questions that need to be asked. Elicit the information or details that are not given to you. Process in that calm way that is the hallmark of your design. Use that advanced and beautiful intuition that we all depend on in healthy ways. Process more, worry less. Get fear out and start connecting all of those beautiful contingencies that life has to offer. Love deep, talk to us more, teach us how to see the world from your strengths, and don’t shut down just because others don’t understand your process.

And always remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We Are Overwhelmed? Part 2

Posted on September 17, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

An important component of rapprochement is to be present enough when interacting with a child that you get what is original about that child, and not to project on to them what it is that we want them to be; in other words, to make them like us, or make them navigate more in our own design instead of theirs. We fall into the trap sometimes of thinking that since our design traits work so well for us that others would benefit if they would just use them. This is not always the case. They can definitely learn from us and our traits, but originally as a child is navigating life, he or she does better when exploration is done organically, in their own design and growing their own authenticity.

This is where we would do well to follow them in their discovery. They can then circle around and plug in some of the strengths from others’ designs that will strengthen their character and leads to a more expanded autonomy and independence. If we fail to allow the authentic growth of the child and we can’t get them to give in to our way of doing things, it tends to put the attending adult (us) in distress as well as the child. Then you end up with two infants having a temper tantrum. We are both in a fight for our own autonomy and both feel it at a soul level. It can hit a traumatic level where, more often than not, the child gives in and surrenders their autonomy—forsaking their authenticity. This is due to the threat of the caretaker holding their survival in their hands.

In relationships, adults can do this to each other as well. It is especially true if you have a dynamic where there is an imbalance of power in a relationship. Where there is sometimes a fight for power and control. The more dominating adult plays the caretaker roll and the less dominating adult plays the child roll (infantile regression). This imbalance of power is where you might see this dynamic most, but any adult can fall into this trap because we all love our own way of doing things

This month we are focusing on what the rapprochement needs are in each design. Today let’s talk about the Whitened design.

What tends to overwhelm a Whitened person, and how do they find relief?

A Whitened person is socially driven, so their social circles are very important to them. In other words, ALL their relationships are important to them. One of the indicators of how they are doing in relationships is measured by how happy the people in those circles or relationships are. They love to please others and they do it with no agenda. They just want to enroll each person in these relationships in a lighthearted way. They use their advanced social intelligence (that usually comes with them, even when they are very young) to match others’ emotions.

The Whitened person can get very overwhelmed when someone does not follow them in what is emotionally important to them. This is particularly devastating to them because they spend a lot of attention on the other person to make sure they feel secure in their relationship and they are quick to anticipate needs. When that is not reciprocated, they don’t get mad, they find themselves confused, and engage in a halted type of preoccupation.

Another thing that can really get them overwhelmed is when someone gets angry with them. If this is an adult that is their primary caregiver, this dynamic will be even more devastating. It will feel as if all is lost with this person and they will then react in their type of pushback, which is random, or might seem obnoxious. It is an attempt to alarm the caregiver that they feel alienated and they are completely overwhelmed. It can often embarrass them, and this embarrassment is their form of shut down.

If you want to match their enthusiasm, follow that heightened social intelligence and have that heightened awareness of them and what is going on around them. Follow how these dynamics are affecting them instead of how it is affecting you. If you navigate in that order you can then interject correct principals that are important to you and have helped you. They will absorb them and remember them because it is done in an emotionally safe environment; the kind that they tend to thrive in.

If you want to support them when they are overwhelmed, enroll them in a social and active engagement. Keep it light—they love to banter in lighthearted teasing that is designed to build them up not embarrass them. They love playful activities or conversations, no matter if they are children or adults. They are extroverted, so they will want to socialize what just happened—they literally just want to bounce it off you. If you are not in the mood to do so, you don’t have to socialize it or process it, you can just listen in a light and happy way. When they are small, they might not be able to articulate what the dynamics are, but they will most likely tell you how they absorbed or experienced the dynamic from their view. Where an adult might say, “I was angry with how you handled that,” the child will only be able to say, “you hurt me.” If you are the adult, don’t bite on that; they are not criticizing you they are trying to tell you what happened to them. They are telling you THEY did something to make you mad and they don’t understand it, or they are saying, “it’s on me.”

Here is an example. A client’s daughter is Whitened. She loves to please her family, especially her mother. She works hard on those things that make her mom happy and proud of her, but when it comes to the things she spontaneously does in the day to day play in life, her mom does not relate to them. She gets confused when she so enthusiastically enrolls her mom to see what she just came up with and is met with a look or reaction that is full of confusion but looks a bit like disdain. This would annihilate the Whitened child, and she felt like all was lost in the relationship when really the mother is just confused and trying to connect the behavior to a threat or a future negative pattern in the child’s character. In reality, it is not that deep for the Whitened child. They are just skipping through the day in free movement and expression and it is not designed to cement into a future pattern, just an expression of the happy state they are in today. However, when the parent gives off the displeased cue, the child then reacts in a way that looks like negative attention but is just a desperate attempt to establish connection with the parent. At this point they will take it in a negative way if that is the only option, and will repeat the behavior to elicit more connection.

In these situations, if we could just follow the Whitened child and unpack what it is they experience and how they are blaming themselves or are confused about the relationship, we can offer relief through reassurance that we love them and that the social circle we share with them is intact. That is literally all they need to move out of the negative space. A little lighthearted banter, like a tickle or a funny expression, will always bring the light back into the conversation and the child is in a better place to express their feelings the next time they feel this dynamic. Keep in mind they love change so you will probably never experience the same thing twice, but consistently getting to the bottom of their confusion is the key.

If you are Whitened, or have high amounts of Whitened in your design, go through this week identifying when you are feeling overwhelmed. Identify what social circle or relationship is affected and move to offer yourself your own rapprochement. This will go far in bringing healthy dynamics back to the relationship that is affected. In other words, be your own best friend. If you learn to support yourself and always have the relationship you have with yourself intact, then you are in a healthy place. You will always have one consistent relationship that is in good condition and will offer relief when things might not be going well with others. Create that light environment for yourself so that you always have a place to thrive. Sometimes Whitened people have to flip the golden rule to, “do unto yourself as you would do unto others.” You have got to love yourself before you can truly love others in a healthy way.

Love others as you do, love yourself as you should, and always remember: everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed?

Posted on September 10, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

I love hearing lectures that our in-house clinicians provide on rapprochement. The definition of rapprochement is the “establishment of or state of having cordial relations.” (Merriam-Webster.com) In psychology, rapprochement is a stage of child development as presented by Margaret Mahler, where the child is learning independence and exploration while still wanting to remain close to their caregiver. The concept within rapprochement that I key into is: when we get overwhelmed, where can we consistently find and count on relief? I appreciate looking at children and watching healthy parents follow that child. While molding them through discipline, these caretakers are carefully attending to their interests, their discovery, and their curiosity. Keeping the environment sterile so that the adult is following the child and the child’s growth and needs, and not the child following the needs of the adult or the caretaker. This creates security in the child so they consistently have a place they can go when they feel overwhelmed; they know they are safe to explore and they will (with the assistance of the strong caretaker) come out on the other end of the experience with character and a sense of what they value. It is the underpinnings of their sense of self.

Children are not the only ones who experience a need for relief when they are overwhelmed. They are not the only ones that want to be followed in their interests, discovery, and curiosity. Adults need that from time to time as well. Although we are much better at doing this for ourselves as adults, we still need those safe and secure people around us that will support us when we get overwhelmed. It is still a bonding experience when someone close to us can provide that grown up version of rapprochement. When someone notices and matches our enthusiasm for something new, we feel validated and know we are on the right track.

Whether you are talking about a child or an adult, the other important thing to consider when pondering this concept is that we all need relief in our design. We all need to be followed in our personality and the way our design experiences things. That is how we find relief. Sometimes we make the mistake of inserting our own design when we are trying to provide relief to someone else, and not stepping back to provide the support in a way that speaks to their design.

This month, we are going to talk about what rapprochement needs to be like for each of the designs. Today, let’s talk about the Saturated design.

What tends to overwhelm a Saturated person, and how do they find relief?

A Saturated person needs order. They especially need order in the things that are the most important to them—the things they value the most. Whatever they value the most is their version of quality. Because of this, they get overwhelmed when you try to get them to consider too many things at once. In their thought process they take in information and find the one quality or precise thing that they need to focus on and give the majority of their attention to that. They sequence agendas like this all the time, keeping their eye on the end result—and that result is what they deemed quality in the first place. Feeding them too many things that require equal attention confuses and overwhelms them.

If you want to match their enthusiasm, focus on that one thing that they are focused on at any given time, and give it a lot of consideration. Move with them in their sequencing and celebrate with them when they discover any new version of quality or value.

If you want to provide support when they feel overwhelmed, give them a lot of space. Sometimes just sitting quietly with them or giving them time is the best way to support them. They are introverted, so don’t think something is always wrong when they are quiet; sometimes they are just carefully considering their focus.

A Saturated child tends to experience their one most important thing through feeling it more than they can verbalize it. When others don’t understand what they need and meet them at that place, they get confused as to why others are criticizing them. It is so clear to them what they need or want, but they just are not good at verbalizing it.

For example, a small child refuses to do his work for an entire day at school. Perhaps he has had enough social or even too much stimuli. He can’t verbalize it, but he feels he needs some Saturated time with quiet and no stimuli—his nervous system might be telling him that. It appears that he is being defiant, when he really is just overwhelmed. If we can carefully follow the shut down—follow him in his thought process and unpack that—we will get to that feeling and we are in a better position to help him learn to verbalize it the next time he feels that way. He feels validated, and he has had a safe and secure environment to unpack those feelings and put words to them.

An adult can experience the exact same dynamic. The difference is, a Saturated adult does not have any problem verbalizing that they need space or a quiet time recharge. If we add any fear or threat to that equation then they can come across aloof and cutting, so then instead of being followed and their emotion being matched and understood, they get conflict that overwhelms them even more.

If you are Saturated or have high amounts of it in your personality, go through this week focusing on identifying when you feel overwhelmed. Be the caretaker that you would need if you were a child, for yourself. Create the conditions you need to thrive in healthy ways and move through life being your own best friend. Then you are in a safe and secure place to be a great rapproacher for others—constantly being kind and matching whatever emotion they are experiencing while at the same time aiding in that relief that they so need. This will create healthy bonds and that, to me as I reflect on this concept, is one of the most powerful sources of service that I can think of.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, part 4

Posted on September 4, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When we are focused on getting our worth in the pursuit of perfection, we tend to measure how we are doing through tasks. Some measure how intense the task is to accomplish and then see their worth as a direct correlation to the intensity of that task. Others might measure their worth in the number of tasks they can accomplish in a short amount of time. Yet others can see themselves as superior because of the projection of perfection that these tasks could offer (bragging rights). More importantly, they run the risk of using others (those that do not use tasks to define themselves) as a springboard to showcase and elevate their projection of perfection—elevating themselves and criticizing others that cannot keep up with them.

In the healthy way of navigating, one see’s life’s tasks as something that keep us secure, not what defines us. The effort that we put into our tasks is the character that we build. Piece by piece, those characteristics become our value, then that value becomes our identity. The best part of this process is that you can make mistakes, in fact you will make mistakes, and it does nothing to take away from your effort. We just get up every day and try harder at being human. We do a little better each day than the day before; picking up character and identity along the way.

Tasks are a very important component of those who are high in the Blackened design. It creates meaning in their life. It is the very thing that drives them. If they plug perfection as an expectation to their tasks, it can get intense quickly. Intense for both the Blackened person and those who are around them. The expectations or rules that they put on the task is now the driving force and boy does it drive. It can be abrupt and forceful because fear is the fuel. If it looks like any imperfections might collide with their expectation, then you get strong emotion from the Blackened person and you feel a lot of force in the room. It gets people working, but not in a learning and thriving way, it’s in a pressured way. The task gets done but not as good as it could have with healthy collaboration, and it leaves the Blackened person disappointed and frustrated.

If the tasks get set up in a healthy, “being human” way of navigating life, then effort is the focus. When a Blackened person is managing that effort in a warm, real, and genuine way, then learning can’t help but be the consequence. Healthy Blackened people tend to create a casual and comfortable environment where everyone who experiences this culture is comfortable. They cannot help but put their best efforts forward. The healthy Blackened person is there with the warmth that only they have, and they use this warmth to blaze the trail for even more learning and more experiencing. If this continues day after day then everyone involved finds themselves open to adventure and thriving. That form of thriving and growth now becomes routine and creates stability. Because of that stability, adventure can be experienced at a higher level.

So, if you have Blackened in your design (we all have some), pick the” being human” way of going through life. Use tasks in a healthy way. The Blackened part of our design or personality is the “get ‘er done” part or the fixer. Move forward being human and in the moment, taking in everything that is happening around us. Don’t limit our view. Open it up and expand it. The more we take in, the more we can experience life in a healthy way. Get up every day with a commitment to fix, teach, enjoy, experience, and make each conversation or interaction with another human an adventure. You are the design that keeps it real and keeps us on track so make sure it is a healthy human kind of track. Persuade in real and casual calm ways and enjoy each and every moment. And always remember that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, Part 3

Posted on August 26, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings it is important for us to find relief if we are feeling unsafe. I feel like we are instinctively driven to run to the safest place when we are overwhelmed or need any kind of reassurance or calm. If we find ourselves in a situation where we have no safe place or no person that is safe, we are in danger of then manufacturing or projecting that we are an “OK” human, or that nothing is wrong. That causes us to just step right over those vulnerable feelings; and while we are stepping we are stuffing them down at the same time.

In other words, without a place or person of safety, the only other option is to avoid the vulnerable feelings all together. If you are high in the Grayed design, you might find yourself in that situation if you cannot find safety in working out the details of your feelings or a task.

One of the major dynamics that sets up “performing to belong” in relationships or interactions between a Grayed person and someone with any of the other designs is the dynamic that a Grayed person romances life through the details. It is the details of the process that are so important to them. So, if someone challenges that or, even worse, criticizes them for taking the time on the details, it has the potential to shut them down. It is so hard for them to move through a task in a hurry and not consider each contingency. That very consideration is how they ensure that things will be done correctly and with the most efficiency to produce optimum results. If someone rushes past all that careful consideration, it tends to freeze or shut down the Grayed way of doing things. The Grayed person is left with no alternate plan because they cannot function if things are not thought through and it creates frustration. On top of all of this, a Grayed person does not like confrontation so they are left to just watch as the project, task, or conversations gets hijacked or, from their perspective, tanked. All this leaves them feeling hopeless.

This is where the Grayed design checks out and avoids all together. They are left with nothing else but to project. Project that they don’t care. Project that they are not available. Project that they can’t engage for whatever reason. So here we are, overwhelmed and wanting to run to the safest place—avoidance. That is the Grayed person’s only option in the perfection way of doing things.

If you are high in the Grayed design and you are in the “being human” way of traveling through life, then the place we will find you at any given time is engaging in the details of that journey. The Grayed person is brilliant at sitting back with a calm about them and taking in all of the contingencies of any given situation. In the healthy way of experiencing life through “being human”, the Grayed person is not as concerned with others’ judgement of whether something is good or bad, but are just content with taking in all that is going on around them and finding the richness in each experience or interaction. They are content to support their position of taking the time to understand all sides and, more importantly, where that might lead everyone, not just them. If we would all step back and listen to a healthy Grayed person evaluate a dynamic we’d discover that it is seldom done from a selfish position, it is often evaluated so that everyone benefits.

The hallmark of the Grayed person is taking the time to see the “what could be” or the “what might be” of each situation. They think each fact through to see where it will end up or where it will put us if we make that decision, so they save us a lot of problems or grief from making the wrong choice or getting a bad outcome. If we would allow them a minute or two (or three or more) they will process through any dynamic and they can evaluate the good and the bad. They can see the romance of each choice. If we can resist dismissing them because they take extra time to think things through, then we get to witness the beautiful acceptance and tolerance that they have for life. If you are Grayed and you want to stay in the “being human” lane of life, then you have to do that for yourself. Support yourself while negotiating, and at all costs stay engaged no matter what is happening because you will help us see all of life, not just limited parts of it.

If you find that you have some Grayed in your personality, go ahead and THINK, PROCESS, TAKE TIME, NEGOTIATE, BE THOROUGH, SEE THE CONTINGENCIES, PLAN, AND ALWAYS DREAM!!! Dream in a way that only the Grayed mind can. You will see the beauty and romance in life. You deserve that and you will help the rest of us see that beauty as well. We deserve that too. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook