Category: Relationships

Projected Perfection–How Fast Did You Get There?

Posted on by Brook Thornley

One of my little family’s favorite vacations in the past was going with a group of extended family members to our cabin near beautiful Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It is approximately 5 hours by car. This distance is very important because it is a 5-hour journey through some of the most beautiful country you have ever seen. The brilliance in this journey is that there are 4 different routes that you can pick from, each one with a different menu of landmarks, historical sights and, for us, even family history. There are also eating places to stop and experience in a way that you can’t experience anywhere else. The question is which one to take each time. It sounds a bit like Heaven and has the potential to feel that way, but it is not; and let me tell you why.

With this particular group of family, the speed in which you arrive is equal to how perfect you are in the family relationship. Let me state this again: your arrival time added to the route that you took, yes how fast you got there, is how you find value in this family dynamic.

As each group of cars arrives at the beautiful cabin, the driver’s first item of business is to announce the route he took and how quickly he has gotten there. Some have even boosted their credibility in this family system by adding stories of getting pulled over because they were driving so fast. The more people you have in your car to cater to or the more adversity you experienced on the drive, like a flat tire or terrible slow drivers, just seems to add to your credibility. There is usually little mention to the beautiful scenery.

As silly as this might be, it is a dynamic that is played out daily in our families and close relationships. It is perfectionism at its best.

I feel as if we as humans also get in our vehicles of navigating relationships and decide which route we are going to take and go full throttle forward in a quest to arrive at this projection of perfection; to say, “I AM PERFECT AND NO ONE CAN BEAT MY TIME.”

The danger in this is that though we have the right to make this decision for our self—the right to navigate relationships this way, running for a projection of perfection in the way we think will make us look or appear to be a perfect human (it’s not healthy but we still can choose that way)—we often enlist our passengers (those around us that we love) to come along for the ride and ask them to project the same narrative of perfection.

We see it all the time. The parent that has an idea of what their projection of perfection might look like and the speed or rate in which it is supposed to be obtained. When the child or loved one does anything to mess that plan up, everyone pays. How about the significant other? Once the partner deems them “theirs” they start the process of going through their journey, or route, through life in the mindset that that spouse is now somehow a direct reflection on them and their perceived projection (do not expose or slow them down!). We are all guilty of this to some degree. That is just how we are as humans.

Stop…I promise it does not work.

I’m calling it for everyone, including myself, once and for all. Stop this narrative of performing to belong. Don’t get me wrong, performing is good. Significance is good. It is critical to evolving and becoming better. It’s how we propel forward and it is where progression lives. Achieving is great! It is about how we are going about it and about getting our significance through the correct source.

That source should be our authenticity, our learning, and our process. It is all about getting significance through our uniqueness, and our talents, and character. The best part of that is that we don’t have to be perfect—we can be human. We can make mistakes and not all is lost. We can slow down and look at the scenery and decide what we like and don’t like. We can take back roads and detours and learn from them. And the place we arrive at is perfect in who we are; filled with what we have learned, what we like, love, or dislike. It is our autonomy and we write it. We don’t project it. It is not a narrative, it is a story that unfolds daily, and we can’t wait to see what happens next. We are partnered with those we love and curiosity to see what the next chapter is, and we all have the right to choose a route and see what we get from it; with the right to back up and choose another route with the support of others to see what we get from that one.

It is critical to drive forward in our authenticity, our design.

If you are Saturated, find your one most important thing that you want to see from the route you take. Pick your version of quality and communicate it to those around you, then move forward with the ability to change the route if you are not achieving the quality you need. Don’t get stuck in being unmovable.

If you are Whitened, make it social and thrive in change. Make it about the people you are with. Anticipate needs, enroll others, and make it safe. Avoid the urge to get random if you are not getting enough spontaneity. Communicate your intent and keep the environment safe and neutral. That is what you are good at.

if you are really pondering this article then I would suspect you are Grayed. Start the process of connecting and romancing the details of this trip through life. You have a beautiful flexibility that can process ahead as to all the can be’s might be’s, etc. You are brilliant at possibilities. Yes, you can create more routes. Four routes will never be enough for you. Drive ahead but resist the urge to avoid if it doesn’t look good. Stay engaged, ask questions. When you feel like avoiding, stay in for a few more minutes. It will serve you and all of the others involved.

If you are already lining things up to fix this you are Blackened. The “get ‘er done” people. You are the ones that are prone to stop and help someone with a flat tire or a broken down vehicle, so stop. Serve, love, and listen. There is so much more to fix if you will listen. You can still be moving forward and working while you listen. Just stay open as you move, don’t get forceful. Casualness is your hallmark; you can enroll and influence anyone if it is neutral and casual.

So let’s once and for all on this great earth stop this destructive dynamic of performing to belong. We are better than that. We are to intelligent. Let’s perform to be human.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Thanksgiving: Who’s Coming to Dinner?

Posted on by Brook Thornley

As we approach the holiday season, we often have fond dreams of holidays past and we have an ideal in mind to connect and have joy in our closest relationships. Sometimes in our reminiscence, we bring out the tenseness and awkwardness in some of our relationships. In other words, sometimes we are outright afraid of what might “go down” during the holiday events.

This brings me to the question, “Who is coming to dinner?” For those of you who understand Human Art theory, this is a wonderful time to be mindfully curious about the different needs of each design and how to meet them where they are at this holiday season.

Photo Source: 123rf.com

While you are sitting around the table and catching up this year, try to take another design’s perspective and tailor the conversation to their central focus.

For example, if I am sitting across the table from a Saturated person, a wise thing to remember is that they are quality driven. The quality is established through their focus on the “one most important thing” for the holiday season. If you really want to connect with them and get their attention, ask them what is their most important thing for this particular season. It would leave an impression on them that you care about their priority for the event. Try not to worry about figuring out their one most important thing, just ask. This will increase their social engagement and increase their comfort and validation. It will decrease any aloofness that might be present which will make the interactions less awkward.

Now, what if you were sitting next to your Whitened family or friend? This year try to engage them instead of waiting for them to entreat you. It is a gift to them to seek them out and enthusiastically engage them with an enrolling question. You can banter with them but most importantly they want to be noticed and see that you have anticipated their needs. You will always be successful with a Whitened person if you can focus on the celebration and notice something personal such as a birthday, a favorite present, or a favorite memory from a past holiday.

Next, if you know someone Grayed will be coming to dinner, romance the connection of the holidays through small details. For example, we know the Grayed person doesn’t like abrupt starts and stops. Approaching the dinner table at the beginning and leaving the table at the end is the most awkward time for the Grayed person. They worry about having direct attention on them when they want to blend and connect. A few days before start connecting in small ways with the Grayed people you know who are coming. Ease them in by sending a text noting that you look forward to seeing them. “I will talk to you when you get here.” When they are leaving, make that transition more smoothly. You can walk them to the door and comment about when you will be together again. It’s like you are starting your own personal tradition with them.

Finally, if there is a Blackened person anywhere in the room, you will find them engaged in a task. They may be fixing the lights, taking the garbage out, or finishing cement in the backyard. Just jump in the task and experience it with them. Don’t question the timing of the task or misread their version of celebrating. To them, the task is celebrating. That is their gift to you. Be sure to appreciate their tasks.

If we pay attention to the central focus of each member’s design, your dreams for a rich family experience will materialize. You would be surprised how many times people get missed. They might not show up because they are invalidated or not noticed. In our Family Reunion Service, we go in and demonstrate how these dynamics play out each and every day, month after month. As we highlight each member’s design, the other family members become aware of how to meet each other’s needs.

So, who is coming to dinner? Who has already RSVP’d? Start now by planning to take their perspective and possess the dream of a joyful holiday season.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook and Rod

The Power of Curiosity

Posted on by Brook Thornley

The answer is curiosity!

The question is, “what is one thing that could significantly strengthen my ability to learn new skills and grow in my authentic self?”

Photo Source: Pexels.com

This is a question that was asked recently at Human Art. When we are teaching new skills to anyone that are designed to help one better themselves in relationships with self, with others around them, and in leadership or team building, one common thing that is required is curiosity.

When we are small and first learning to navigate this big world, curiosity is required. Some children get punished for it and we see the beginnings of a “shut down, stuff it,” type of relating to others. Where it can get really serious is if we are curious in our authenticity or our personality and we get negative feedback of any kind. It leaves us with no discovery and no idea where to go with those confusing emotions.

So I propose we say “YES” to implementing curiosity in our lives! Let me give you an example.

In this line of work I see that, in general, humans have a STRONG desire to learn about their own personality or design. They want to know what their authenticity looks like, how to use it, and how to define it. That’s the kind of curiosity I’m talking about. What I’ve been observing while looking at curiosity is that humans are not always as willing to be as curious about other people’s designs; the people they love, the people they work with, their friends, etc.

Let’s start by looking at the different types of curiosity in the designs:

The Saturated design is curious in the way of collecting the components of any conversation or dynamic. They need all of the pieces before they can draw a conclusion. They need to know what is the best solution or the “one most important fact” to be able to make a declaration and then start sequencing it.

The Whitened person is curious to learn people’s preferences. They are attuned to others’ preferences at a deeper level. They notice likes and dislikes and do it in a non-threatening way. They thrive off of sincerity.

The Grayed person is curious in the connection. The connection with others, the connections of possibilities, the connections that can help, and the connections that might hurt. It is a meticulous openness full of details.

The Blackened person is curious about the what, why and how. It is like the air they breath. It is how they discover new ideas, best way to do a task, and how they get to know together people.

When we expand our curiosity with self and with others, in a way where we are constantly discovering and learning new things about each other, our curiosity transforms into empathy and compassion. Then you are on your way to seeing that everyone is full of worth and value just the way they are, in their authenticity. When we celebrate that fact, we move to learning and growing in our authenticity in a way that did not seem possible.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

What’s the Problem? Autonomy!

Posted on by Brook Thornley

“Can’t you see they are not telling the truth!”
“How can you stand there and say that with a straight face?”
“Our group is strongly opposed to your group’s view.”

It doesn’t matter if it is an individual talking to another group of people, a family, a gathering of people who love each other, or in the work place trying to agree on a project or a strategy; when groups of people are polarized it creates a great deal of chaos and stress. It is equally as difficult when the distance between the disagreeing parties has gotten to the point that contention is so strong it feels as if it would be impossible to walk it back to a neutral place again. This is a very dangerous place to be because the next thing to happen in these types of group interactions is the group starts to destroy the order and integrity of the group and it starts to disintegrate. What can a group do when it finds itself in this very dynamic?

photo source: 123rf.com

First, I assure you it is possible to get back to a healthy place of interacting with each other in a neutral way and still keep our opinion and preferences intact.

Second, its actually something that happens rather quickly.

We must stop and ask, “WHATS THE PROBLEM?” And the answer always has something to do with autonomy!!!

Autonomy is basically our independence or ability to have self-freedom.

Quietly in your head, stop and describe everyone’s autonomy that is in the large group, including your own. This will allow you to respect your own views and come from a place of security and personal power; from that point you are in a position to celebrate and appreciate others’ point of view. State your needs, speak of your preferences, describe what you are focused on according to your design (we call that a central focus), and have the courage to be a little vulnerable, no matter how others react to it. Share your challenges in a real and genuine way. Try hard to be authentic and not manufacture a egoic version of strength. Use the power you already have, your personal power. No one can truly criticize it because you know it better than anyone else, you are the only on with it.

Here is an example:
A very Saturated man and a Saturated teen were working together on a project. They were assigned to work on the project with a very Grayed woman and a really Whitened young adult.
the two Saturated people were in agreement that the project needed to come across professionally and that the objective needed to be clear (they share that central focus). Things were going great until the Grayed women came into the planning meeting and introduced a very thorough list of questions that needed to be asked about the project before any decisions were to be made. The group spent a few minutes debating what the main the focus should be until tension was mounting in the small planning room. The Saturated man and the Saturated teen were starting to strategize how they could side step the Grayed woman’s list while the Grayed woman was feeling frustrated and found herself asking more and more questions until she went to her next strategy of shutting down and beginning to resent. The two groups were quickly losing credibility with each other. it was then that the Whitened adult came in and stated the Whitened central focus that always includes socializing and declared, “are we having fun yet?!”

Stop right here!!!!!

This is the very moment when it is time to quietly say, “Whats the problem?…Autonomy!” In this moment, the group should start to review everyone’s autonomy, starting with the central focus of each person’s design.

The Saturated man and teen want quality and that comes from clear objectives and professionalism.

The Grayed woman is thorough and usually prevents problems before they even arise.

The Whitened man makes sure everyone stays engaged and can tell before others even start to notice anything is wrong that someone is about to withdraw or shut down and re-engages them in a safe way.

When these central focuses are looked at in this light that is when we can quickly step back into healthy and neutral interactions. It is at this point we can listen. Our curiosity goes up and self-doubt goes down. It is also at this point we start to celebrate each other, are in a great system of synergy, and notice how we are stronger as a group. The sum of these parts of the group are greater than the individual parts. A line from one of my favorite songs  says,”I like me better when I’m with you.”

So when you find yourself in a group where you are asking yourself, “what’s the problem?” Think “autonomy,” and move into action.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

 

Listen Like You Are Watching a YouTube Video

Posted on by Brook Thornley

A small girl and her mom were in the ice cream shop sitting at a small table eating an ice cream. The girl was busily eating the ice cream and the mother was engrossed in her phone, concentrating for what seemed like a long amount of time. The girl ate away. This went on for a while. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the mom looked up at the girl and said, “come over here.” They both posed close to each other with looks of exuberance and excitement. The woman snapped a quick pic and then in a nanosecond it was back to the same stations. The girl returned to her chair and, bored, ate her ice cream. The woman took a few minutes to post the picture on her phone and followed with a very satisfied, “there.” The only thing that was spoken the entire time.

Source: ocusfocus / 123RF Stock Photo

This was an encounter a friend told me about the other day. As I have pondered this interaction, many thoughts flooded my mind. First, is “wow what is going on?” Second, I wondered how many times I have done that myself (I know I have). And third, if that were me what was so important that I would put that as a priority over stealing a moment with someone that I loved? For most of us it would probably be a video.

Don’t get the wrong impression, social medial and the ability to communicate with each other on our phones and electronic devices is, to me, a modern day miracle; I would not be able to navigate my business and go about my domestic responsibilities without it. I just think that sometimes we forget to manage and take advantage of the human miracles that we also have right in front of us in our close relationships. So here is my advice to you to make sure we are taking care of our human relationships.

Listen like you are watching  a YouTube video. Observe and listen. Those are two skills that are required in order to understand something or someone. When we are watching a video that is exactly what we do. We observe what is going on, how it is happening—we are curious. We listen intently and if we think we missed something we back it up and listen to that part again. If we could only do that as we interact in those important relationships that we have. Observe their nonverbal cues and what they are doing and then listen intently, being fully present just like we are watching a YouTube video. If we don’t get a part or miss something, back it up and play it again until we understand it.

Once you’ve done that, respond through the filter of the person’s design.

Source: imtmphoto / 123RF Stock Photo

If your loved one is Saturated, observe and listen for their one most important thing or fact and then respond with clarity.

If your loved one is Whitened, observe and listen for those cues of excitement and spontaneity and match their emotions.

If your loved one is Grayed, observe and listen for the details and stay a little longer in them, there is good information there.

If your loved one is Blackened, observe and listen to the problem and then fix it or respond in with possible solutions.

Try to filter out our own emotions and attitudes while we are listening, save that for our turn to respond. For that moment be completely present to see what that person is experiencing. Like being a detective. Think of that little girl in the ice cream shop and let it inspire us to treat those around us with curiosity for who they are and how they experience things. It will elicit appreciation, and you will find a lot of those close to you will return the interest right back.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook