Category: Blackened

Have Some Compassion, Take a Break, and Step Back from the Can Be’s

Posted on November 20, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We are all so busy at this time of year. We have events, parties, performances, and even just the weight of getting the right gifts for each other. As fun as the holiday season is, there can be some pressure. This is the time of year at Human Art we notice people getting down on themselves in small ways in which they feel they don’t measure up. As humans, anytime there is pressure and then we add comparison to the mix, that is a recipe for feeling inadequate. When there is pressure to perform in any way it causes us to reflect on where we might need more tools. It literally illuminates our lack of skills in any area. You could look at it with any amount of shame, but we also have the choice to see it as a moment of introspection–our brain doing inventory and helping us to see where we could add a skill or two to make us an even stronger functioning human. That is a gift if we navigate it in a healthy way.

One thing that I know for sure is that people are good.

Working with people on a daily basis and seeing so many different designs and personalities, it is so beautiful to see a common thread in all of us–that is the desire to do better for ourselves and for those around us. We all want to be healthy and we all desire healthy relationships at some level. It is an amazing thing to watch and, if you look closely, that process of fighting for those very things is an attractive desire that we all have in common.

When we find ourselves feeling shame:

1. It is critical to have some self compassion.
Self compassion is your companion in this emotional journey to running in to any lack of skills, trial, or when trying to strengthen our character. Some people might feel some strong emotion at this point because they mistake step one of giving our self compassion as an easy out or a reason to not grow or develop more skills. That is not what I am referring to. We are not covering up our lack of skills with compassion, we are simply running our assessment of what skills we need to add to the ones we already have and bringing compassion along as a constant companion. It is the only way we can tolerate looking at our deprivation with out falling into the trap of shaming ourselves. When we experience shame, we know the process of healthy learning has considerably slowed down and navigating in a healthy way is constricted.

2. Take a break.
Take a break from the destructive thinking and turn it around to what’s possible. What is my desired skill? Where do I want to end up? What tool do I need? The break in step two is intended to slow things down, so we can think. It is not intended to stop abruptly, that could elicit discouragement. We simply want to slow our thoughts down and start to reason in a tolerant way. We want to focus on the desired skill, think of how we got here, or our story. Process it with compassion. Then focus on what we want. Find joy in the fact that we are growing, we are developing. Find anything we have done a little better and keep doing that. The worst thing we can do is speed up our expectations of results. That could launch us into pressure again and then we are back into the shame loop. Slow it down and keep a constant pace. It is the consistency that will help us obtain healthy skills, the very ones we desire. Most likely we will pick up some added unintended skills along the way as a bonus to our consistency.

3. Step back from the “can be”
Every design has a potential “Can Be.” It is when a positive trait goes out of its bounds and becomes a negative. The good news is that once this happens it is only one step back into turning it back into a positive trait again. All is never lost. The reason we call them “Can Be’s” is that just because you have a particular design or personality, it does not mean you automatically have the correlating “can be”, it just means there is potential to go into the “can be” when we feel inadequate or when we are in the shame cycle. It is important to properly asses traits and use them responsibly in this way of thinking. For example a trait like “discipline” is a positive trait, but if we overuse discipline, it goes out of its bounds and becomes rigid and controlling. If we slow things down and recognize we are out of its bounds, it is one step back to discipline.

Can Be’s and the Designs

Saturated

Trait	Can Be
In Control	Controlling
Cool	Aloof
Clear Thinker	Uncompromising

Whitened

Trait	Can Be
Enrolling	Over Enroll
Spontaneous	Random
Child-like	Unaccountable

Grayed

Trait	Can Be
Meticulous	Over-analyze
Detail-Oriented	Avoidance
Conservative	Disengage

Blackened

Trait	Can Be
Fix-it mentality	Forceful
Resourceful	Resourceful to a fault
Honest	Abrupt

The examples of the “can be’s” will be helpful in our focus of obtaining more skills of healthy living and interacting. When we feel our self functioning in a “can be”, pause and step back into its positive and immediately move on. Don’t dwell on the “can be”, just recognize it and step away from it. It will get easier to recognize when you are going into the “can be” over time if you are continuously paying attention to it. Keeping a steady pace in this type of development leaves us with hope.

That leads us back to our focus. Stay focused one this 1,2,3 process and stay out of shame as we are navigating any time of year or season in our journey through this wonderful life. When we find ourselves feeling pressure, any type of pressure to perform, remember you have the basic human right to develop, to become better, to evolve and to your own process and journey. Don’t fall into the shame and comparison trap. I promise it will get you nowhere. Love your personality, celebrate others, and focus on where you want to end up. Have compassion for how you have gotten this far. I personally love the journey and I adore the human race.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Projected Perfection–How Fast Did You Get There?

Posted on November 13, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

One of my little family’s favorite vacations in the past was going with a group of extended family members to our cabin near beautiful Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It is approximately 5 hours by car. This distance is very important because it is a 5-hour journey through some of the most beautiful country you have ever seen. The brilliance in this journey is that there are 4 different routes that you can pick from, each one with a different menu of landmarks, historical sights and, for us, even family history. There are also eating places to stop and experience in a way that you can’t experience anywhere else. The question is which one to take each time. It sounds a bit like Heaven and has the potential to feel that way, but it is not; and let me tell you why.

With this particular group of family, the speed in which you arrive is equal to how perfect you are in the family relationship. Let me state this again: your arrival time added to the route that you took, yes how fast you got there, is how you find value in this family dynamic.

As each group of cars arrives at the beautiful cabin, the driver’s first item of business is to announce the route he took and how quickly he has gotten there. Some have even boosted their credibility in this family system by adding stories of getting pulled over because they were driving so fast. The more people you have in your car to cater to or the more adversity you experienced on the drive, like a flat tire or terrible slow drivers, just seems to add to your credibility. There is usually little mention to the beautiful scenery.

As silly as this might be, it is a dynamic that is played out daily in our families and close relationships. It is perfectionism at its best.

I feel as if we as humans also get in our vehicles of navigating relationships and decide which route we are going to take and go full throttle forward in a quest to arrive at this projection of perfection; to say, “I AM PERFECT AND NO ONE CAN BEAT MY TIME.”

The danger in this is that though we have the right to make this decision for our self—the right to navigate relationships this way, running for a projection of perfection in the way we think will make us look or appear to be a perfect human (it’s not healthy but we still can choose that way)—we often enlist our passengers (those around us that we love) to come along for the ride and ask them to project the same narrative of perfection.

We see it all the time. The parent that has an idea of what their projection of perfection might look like and the speed or rate in which it is supposed to be obtained. When the child or loved one does anything to mess that plan up, everyone pays. How about the significant other? Once the partner deems them “theirs” they start the process of going through their journey, or route, through life in the mindset that that spouse is now somehow a direct reflection on them and their perceived projection (do not expose or slow them down!). We are all guilty of this to some degree. That is just how we are as humans.

Stop…I promise it does not work.

I’m calling it for everyone, including myself, once and for all. Stop this narrative of performing to belong. Don’t get me wrong, performing is good. Significance is good. It is critical to evolving and becoming better. It’s how we propel forward and it is where progression lives. Achieving is great! It is about how we are going about it and about getting our significance through the correct source.

That source should be our authenticity, our learning, and our process. It is all about getting significance through our uniqueness, and our talents, and character. The best part of that is that we don’t have to be perfect—we can be human. We can make mistakes and not all is lost. We can slow down and look at the scenery and decide what we like and don’t like. We can take back roads and detours and learn from them. And the place we arrive at is perfect in who we are; filled with what we have learned, what we like, love, or dislike. It is our autonomy and we write it. We don’t project it. It is not a narrative, it is a story that unfolds daily, and we can’t wait to see what happens next. We are partnered with those we love and curiosity to see what the next chapter is, and we all have the right to choose a route and see what we get from it; with the right to back up and choose another route with the support of others to see what we get from that one.

It is critical to drive forward in our authenticity, our design.

If you are Saturated, find your one most important thing that you want to see from the route you take. Pick your version of quality and communicate it to those around you, then move forward with the ability to change the route if you are not achieving the quality you need. Don’t get stuck in being unmovable.

If you are Whitened, make it social and thrive in change. Make it about the people you are with. Anticipate needs, enroll others, and make it safe. Avoid the urge to get random if you are not getting enough spontaneity. Communicate your intent and keep the environment safe and neutral. That is what you are good at.

if you are really pondering this article then I would suspect you are Grayed. Start the process of connecting and romancing the details of this trip through life. You have a beautiful flexibility that can process ahead as to all the can be’s might be’s, etc. You are brilliant at possibilities. Yes, you can create more routes. Four routes will never be enough for you. Drive ahead but resist the urge to avoid if it doesn’t look good. Stay engaged, ask questions. When you feel like avoiding, stay in for a few more minutes. It will serve you and all of the others involved.

If you are already lining things up to fix this you are Blackened. The “get ‘er done” people. You are the ones that are prone to stop and help someone with a flat tire or a broken down vehicle, so stop. Serve, love, and listen. There is so much more to fix if you will listen. You can still be moving forward and working while you listen. Just stay open as you move, don’t get forceful. Casualness is your hallmark; you can enroll and influence anyone if it is neutral and casual.

So let’s once and for all on this great earth stop this destructive dynamic of performing to belong. We are better than that. We are to intelligent. Let’s perform to be human.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Thanksgiving: Who’s Coming to Dinner?

Posted on November 6, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As we approach the holiday season, we often have fond dreams of holidays past and we have an ideal in mind to connect and have joy in our closest relationships. Sometimes in our reminiscence, we bring out the tenseness and awkwardness in some of our relationships. In other words, sometimes we are outright afraid of what might “go down” during the holiday events.

This brings me to the question, “Who is coming to dinner?” For those of you who understand Human Art theory, this is a wonderful time to be mindfully curious about the different needs of each design and how to meet them where they are at this holiday season.

While you are sitting around the table and catching up this year, try to take another design’s perspective and tailor the conversation to their central focus.

For example, if I am sitting across the table from a Saturated person, a wise thing to remember is that they are quality driven. The quality is established through their focus on the “one most important thing” for the holiday season. If you really want to connect with them and get their attention, ask them what is their most important thing for this particular season. It would leave an impression on them that you care about their priority for the event. Try not to worry about figuring out their one most important thing, just ask. This will increase their social engagement and increase their comfort and validation. It will decrease any aloofness that might be present which will make the interactions less awkward.

Now, what if you were sitting next to your Whitened family or friend? This year try to engage them instead of waiting for them to entreat you. It is a gift to them to seek them out and enthusiastically engage them with an enrolling question. You can banter with them but most importantly they want to be noticed and see that you have anticipated their needs. You will always be successful with a Whitened person if you can focus on the celebration and notice something personal such as a birthday, a favorite present, or a favorite memory from a past holiday.

Next, if you know someone Grayed will be coming to dinner, romance the connection of the holidays through small details. For example, we know the Grayed person doesn’t like abrupt starts and stops. Approaching the dinner table at the beginning and leaving the table at the end is the most awkward time for the Grayed person. They worry about having direct attention on them when they want to blend and connect. A few days before start connecting in small ways with the Grayed people you know who are coming. Ease them in by sending a text noting that you look forward to seeing them. “I will talk to you when you get here.” When they are leaving, make that transition more smoothly. You can walk them to the door and comment about when you will be together again. It’s like you are starting your own personal tradition with them.

Finally, if there is a Blackened person anywhere in the room, you will find them engaged in a task. They may be fixing the lights, taking the garbage out, or finishing cement in the backyard. Just jump in the task and experience it with them. Don’t question the timing of the task or misread their version of celebrating. To them, the task is celebrating. That is their gift to you. Be sure to appreciate their tasks.

If we pay attention to the central focus of each member’s design, your dreams for a rich family experience will materialize. You would be surprised how many times people get missed. They might not show up because they are invalidated or not noticed. In our Family Reunion Service, we go in and demonstrate how these dynamics play out each and every day, month after month. As we highlight each member’s design, the other family members become aware of how to meet each other’s needs.

So, who is coming to dinner? Who has already RSVP’d? Start now by planning to take their perspective and possess the dream of a joyful holiday season.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook and Rod

The Power of Curiosity

Posted on October 29, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

The answer is curiosity!

The question is, “what is one thing that could significantly strengthen my ability to learn new skills and grow in my authentic self?”

This is a question that was asked recently at Human Art. When we are teaching new skills to anyone that are designed to help one better themselves in relationships with self, with others around them, and in leadership or team building, one common thing that is required is curiosity.

When we are small and first learning to navigate this big world, curiosity is required. Some children get punished for it and we see the beginnings of a “shut down, stuff it,” type of relating to others. Where it can get really serious is if we are curious in our authenticity or our personality and we get negative feedback of any kind. It leaves us with no discovery and no idea where to go with those confusing emotions.

So I propose we say “YES” to implementing curiosity in our lives! Let me give you an example.

In this line of work I see that, in general, humans have a STRONG desire to learn about their own personality or design. They want to know what their authenticity looks like, how to use it, and how to define it. That’s the kind of curiosity I’m talking about. What I’ve been observing while looking at curiosity is that humans are not always as willing to be as curious about other people’s designs; the people they love, the people they work with, their friends, etc.

Let’s start by looking at the different types of curiosity in the designs:

The Saturated design is curious in the way of collecting the components of any conversation or dynamic. They need all of the pieces before they can draw a conclusion. They need to know what is the best solution or the “one most important fact” to be able to make a declaration and then start sequencing it.

The Whitened person is curious to learn people’s preferences. They are attuned to others’ preferences at a deeper level. They notice likes and dislikes and do it in a non-threatening way. They thrive off of sincerity.

The Grayed person is curious in the connection. The connection with others, the connections of possibilities, the connections that can help, and the connections that might hurt. It is a meticulous openness full of details.

The Blackened person is curious about the what, why and how. It is like the air they breath. It is how they discover new ideas, best way to do a task, and how they get to know together people.

When we expand our curiosity with self and with others, in a way where we are constantly discovering and learning new things about each other, our curiosity transforms into empathy and compassion. Then you are on your way to seeing that everyone is full of worth and value just the way they are, in their authenticity. When we celebrate that fact, we move to learning and growing in our authenticity in a way that did not seem possible.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

It Only Takes 3 Seconds to Identify the Blackened Personality

Posted on September 25, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

You can tell the Blackened design or personality in 3 seconds when they walk through the door.

“I’m here, I have an appointment right now, let’s get started so we will end on time.”
Their movement is deliberate and on purpose and it makes you want to jump in and participate in the task; whatever it might be.
“What’s our time frame? I have another appointment after this.”

It is so beautiful. The room seems to immediately turn casual, any pretenses gone as if the sun is beating down and bathing you after a long day of hard work. Like a nap on a warm beach with waves crashing on you and leaving a little sand on our face to remind you that you are here. It is rich yet earthy, similar to a thunderstorm beating down on you while you are running through the streets laughing and dancing in bare feet. You feel yourself drinking in the casual warmth and find yourself opening up like you never have before, responding to their honesty and realness like a good old friend that you feel secure with.

You notice that the Blackened person is giving you honest advice in a truthful way that is nurturing; and can abruptly switch your direction to one that is realistic and secure. It’s as if they don’t want you to spend one more minute wasting time on something that won’t serve you. You feel secure yet nurtured—similar to a walk in the mountains with all its honesty. You notice the Blackened person is caring for you through tasks. They get you a chair, or a plate of food, even a blanket when you are cold. That’s their charm. This is an example of what it feels like to get thrown into a 3 second interaction with someone that has a lot of Blackened in their personality.

We sometimes forget to notice their “get ‘r done” nature. Everything they do is designed to protect—to protect those around them, those they love, those they don’t even know. Their ability to fix things, no matter what they are, is uncanny. It is as if their body moves to fix a problem before their mind even can finish processing what it is. They do that on the way.

Sometimes we dismiss their directness as someone who is tactless, when really they are just trying to get to the what, where, and why of every situation. They are so resourceful. They can fix whatever is wrong with just what resources are in the room.

Common question have to do with resources.

“Did you get that done?”
“How did you do it?”
“Did you put that away?”
We can better engage them through structure.
“What needs to be done first?”
“What makes more sense right now?”
“What will save resources?”

A Blackened person does not appreciate the drama or the “fluff.” They are the “get to it” group; not a lot of talking just a lot of doing. They prefer serving someone over having a meeting about it. They are very hands on. If you truly want to engage them in a caring way just take something off their list of things to do. They appreciate it because they are probably doing that for you to show how much they care.

This week, make it a point to find as many people as you can who have a high amount of Blackened in their personality. We all have amounts of each harmony in us, but it is pretty obvious that someone has high amounts of Blackened when you look for the traits that we have discussed. Please take the time to enjoy the beauty of it. Even if you don’t get the exact amount of Blackened, that’s ok, at least you are giving them some of your time to see their beauty.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Read about the other designs:
Saturated
Whitened
Grayed