Category: Grayed

The How and When of Reconnecting in a Pandemic–By Design

Posted on July 20, 2020May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We have been in the middle of a pandemic for several months now, and whether large or small, it has caused some change for all of us. One of the biggest changes has been in our ability and opportunity to connect with others. As things begin to slowly re-open around the country and world, we need to talk about how we can reconnect with others in a meaningful way. Now when it comes to the “when” in reconnecting in a pandemic, I will leave those answers to the experts who know best; but the “how” I am definitely comfortable taking a shot at!

Reconnecting during these challenging times is important because we have all, at some level, been forced to change the way or the amount of connecting with others from the way we used to do it several months ago. Our old normal is seemingly something of the past. We are left in a space to try to figure out the best ways to connect with those who are important to us, and those who are essential to our day to day care.

My best advice is to take into consideration the thought process of someone you are thinking about reconnecting to and move forward respecting those things that are important to their design. Though a lot has changed in this so called “new normal”, one thing that has stayed the same is someone’s design, and respecting the central focus of others’ designs when you reconnect is as relevant now as it has ever been.

Here are some tips:

If you are reconnecting with someone who is high in the Saturated Design, remember that their thought process is all or nothing, black and white. Because of this they might have a tendency to experience the pandemic in that same way. They will evaluate in a clear way the “all” part of all or nothing thinking first. All the threats that the pandemic brings. All the sanitation options. All the possible outcomes. For example, they will evaluate “is it dangerous/a threat or are we in the clear?” and then react accordingly. They might come across extreme, but it is really just their best way of making sure they keep “all” of those around them safe. They will take that very seriously. It is their way of serving and protecting.

When that is “all” done, they will move into the “nothing” stage and reconnect as if nothing is going to happen because they have covered “all” of their bases. To others it can look careless or uncaring but it is not, it is just a newfound confidence in their ability to reconnect to others while also keeping them safe.

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If you are reconnecting with someone who is high in the Whitened Design, keep in mind that they want to enroll you in a social way, but are also anticipating your needs at the same time. Because the thought process of the Whitened design is social and they are interested in pleasing, they will pay attention and follow your lead when it comes to reconnecting, so communicating what will make you feel safe and happy will be very helpful. They might fire a lot of questions your way in an attempt to see where you are at so they might connect in that way. Some will see the questions as an attempt to cling but it is not; it is an attempt to get the “lay of the land” to determine how to move forward in a way that meets your needs not theirs.

For example, if a Whitened person asked how you were experiencing the pandemic and you responded with, “we are doing nothing, we are staying in our basement and only having food delivered,” they would then take that info, respect your way, and have food delivered to you as a way to reconnect but at the same time please in a healthy way.

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If you are trying to reconnect with someone who is high in the Grayed Design, constantly process how hard change is on their thought process. They need the time and space to process all that is changing, and to analyze the best or optimal path to reconnecting and all that might come with that. Asking them what their thoughts are on different aspects of the pandemic is a great way to serve or reconnect with them, and then offer an ear to listen to their thoughts or analyze it with them. Leaving the interaction with encouraging words like, “give it some thought then let me know what you think,” or, “we don’t have to do anything right now but let’s definitely keep talking about it,” is a great way to serve them.

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If you are trying to reconnect with someone who is high in the Blackened Design, don’t forget that they are reasonable, but like realistic thinking. There will be some things about reconnecting that seem practical to them, and some that do not. They need it to be pragmatic to incorporate it into the reconnection process, so if they are not buying into something that makes you feel safe, just tell them in real and honest words why it is important to you. They love to protect, so if you tell them why it seems reasonable to you, they will be your biggest advocate. Too many times we just accept their first response and don’t give them the honest debate. We walk away feeling misunderstood, when in reality we just didn’t give them the information in a Blackened way so they could respond. They most likely would have.

So moving back into life, wherever you are and whatever you circumstances, when you are thinking about all that is needed to reconnect make sure you also spend a little time thinking about others and how they might be experiencing this phase as well. You need it, they need it, and we all need to stay safe.

And remember everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Peace on Earth Good Will Toward Men: Leaving Our Imprint (Week 3)

Posted on December 18, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Over the week I have seen many examples of people leaving their imprint. It shows up when they leave goodies on someone’s porch, when they carol, I even heard a Christmas message delivered in a way that illuminated that person’s personality traits that were very attractive and warm. I witnessed a couple entertaining friends with a song on a piano and even their interactions with each other were so sweet and charming that it left an imprint of them as a couple on the entire group that night. It seems to come out at Christmas more than any other time of year. It lends itself to connections and reevaluating ourselves to see where we want to grow.

The Grayed person, or someone with a lot of Grayed in their design, is a great example of this kind of act or dynamic that leads to leaving their imprint on someone, because they value connection. They instinctively look for connections in all that they do.

Three Things a Grayed Person Leaves With Us (Their Imprint):

A Sense of Calm
Things to Ponder
A Feeling of Connection

These are great things to feel in our lives and also great things to bring into our lives. As we find ourselves on the doorstep of that great Christmas day, as we do our last minute errands, make one of those errands be to leave our imprint somewhere, and do it in a way that brings peace. It cannot help but enhance the Christmas season and make all those we encounter walk away better than when we got there. Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

What Does a Grayed Person Need When We Come to the Table?

Posted on November 19, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When we think of the Holiday Season we are well served to focus on traditions. They provide a thread of connection but can also play a crucial role in securing relationships. Those events, dynamics, and interactions that are the same each time the season comes around give us something to look forward to and provide a dream or event to romanticize the season. If we could take a space of time to stop and ponder on the meaning that each tradition holds for us personally, it will enhance our connections as we come to the table as the holidays unfold.

At Thanksgiving time, as we anticipate coming around the table with those we love, keep in mind the people you want to connect with. If we have a desire to connect at a deeper level or just to get

to know someone even better, we are well served to focus on the details of the connection. A healthy back and forth that leads to sharing and lending is a good place to start when wanting to find out new details of someone you might be sitting next to or someone who is new to the table. When focusing on details of friendships old and new, or family ties from way back when or more recent, everyone loves to bond through getting to know each other on a deeper level.

Details are the strength of the Grayed design, so this week, let’s talk about what is important to those close to us that are Grayed.

Five Things a Grayed Person is Grateful for When we Come to the Table:

1. Providing thorough instructions about what is going to unfold (down to the smallest detail, like when to come to the table, where to sit, when to start eating and what will come next and at what point would you like me do that…).

2. Smaller connections and conversations are more rewarding. Even in a big group, a smaller subgroup is better.

3. Leave time to take it all in. Rushing through things takes away from the interaction and enjoyment of the experience.

4. In conversations, don’t always move too quickly, or look for an immediate answer. Allowing time to process is key.

5. Leave a space for the Grayed to move continuously through the dinner or event. Connect the activities so it feels fluid. If it is right after dinner sipping on hot cider, or as we anticipate the end of the event, slow it all down to think back on all that has taken place.

If we take a few minutes of careful planning to make sure that these things are considered when entertaining our Grayed loved ones, it will insure a better interaction, a deeper connection, and strengthen the future experiences we have with each Grayed person.

Happy Holidays and remember:

Everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

11.14.19 What Does a Whitened Person Need When We Come to the Table

11.6.18 Thanksgiving: Who’s Coming to Dinner?

Who Am I Supposed to Be? Overcoming Self Doubt (Week 3-Grayed)

Posted on October 23, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

If we can, it is a good idea to find a way to stop self-doubt right when it starts to hit us. If we can do that, we can prevent a good deal of worry or possible anxiety. If we let self-doubt take hold, it can spin off to many different forms of doubt. It’s like finding a bees nest and, instead of containing it, just cracking it open and all of the bees are released and start swarming. Imagine our self-doubt as the bees. Once we crack that open and let it take hold it can have a similar result. If we just step back and change the channel at the first hint of self-doubt, it could be very healing and can change our thought process, for that moment at least.

One skill that could help us make that change is to find something to focus on that is happening right now. Changing our channel from self-doubt and worry to curiosity and just watching what will happen next. We can use anything to divert our attention from the worry of self-doubt; something as simple as the temperature outside, hearing a conversation live, watching a person making a meal to see what ingredient is next and how it affects the outcome of the dish. It is just a skill to change the channel in our brain to a different channel of curiosity in the moment.

In early childhood development we can see this dynamic played out almost daily. I love to listen to our clinical team teach this process. I watch a child that is frustrated because they are feeling self-doubt. The self-doubt can come from so many places. It could be doubt because a sibling is getting some attention so they may doubt their importance to a caregiver, it could be they can’t complete a task, or even when they need to share and they don’t have the emotional stamina to be able to tolerate giving up something they want for themselves. Regardless of the circumstances, what is obvious is that the child is doubting themselves. They might not always be able to verbalize it, but they certainly are feeling it.

This is the point they may act out due to their confusion. Those of us around them tend to bite on their behavior without discovering what is happening to them emotionally. As the team is teaching us to watch for that first sign of self-doubt, I can see it; as I learn to intervene by changing the channel and guiding their attention to something else, they literally slide right out of self-doubt and back into healthy interactions. In older children we can then learn to teach the consequence after the channel is changed. In younger children, it seems to be enough to get them to a healthier channel and back in the moment.

This is true for adults as well. Although it is not as infantile, it still shows up. You can see it when they are experiencing a high amount of self-doubt. The “bees nest” so to speak is opened and the swarm of worry starts. That is the exact point we need to change the channel and find something that is happening now, live, playing out right in front of us so we are curious and we are calming down. This puts us back in a neutral place so we are able to use our best thinking instead of infantile survival systems.

Here is an example:

A three-year-old experiences the feeling of being a big brother in the family unit. He is excited and you can see his efficacy grow. He goes to the hospital with his “Big Brother” t-shirt on and gets great amounts of positive attention for being such a good big brother. As his grandparents parade him through the hall of the hospital, he walks proud and puffed up, all ready for this grand adventure, to meet his little brother. He is excited when he sees the new addition to the family, and it punctuates his new role. He is careful and is attentive to the needs of his little brother and feeling very important in the new family dynamic.

A few days later, at the house when the family is home and settling in, the three-year-old notices just how much attention the baby is getting and you can see that first prick of self-doubt. Not even understanding what is happening and why, the swarm hits him. His best system at this point is to react with negative behavior. It is his best communication at the time. He starts to pitch a fit over nothing and the healthy parents see those first signs of self-doubt. Wisely, they change the channel. They ask the three-year-old to come put some ingredients in the bowl for the dinner they are making. There it is. Just simply defusing the self-doubt and bringing the child into something that is playing out in the moment. This moved the child into curiosity and in that state he was able to ask the parent, “am I still important?” The parent then follows the child into whatever conversation is appropriate for his age.

This month we are looking at what self-doubt looks like in each design. This week we will focus on the Grayed design.

In the rapprochement model we know that when a Grayed person gets overwhelmed it is usually due to the fact that they cannot work out the details of something and they move to avoidance; or it could possibly be that they don’t relate to confrontation and they see one coming for them. In these situations, they can experience a great amount of self-doubt that hits them all at once. It is at this time that they feel it, but keep in mind it has been brewing for some time and it is just in this particular moment they realize it has gotten out of hand. Up until this point, they have likely moved to avoid it. We know that they need all the details—what could be, and at what time, and where to be before, and then what will happen, etc.—and if they can’t get them they feel lost. Not knowing all the details can make them feel insecure and overwhelmed, which leads to self-doubt. They also need time to process, so that could be another reason they feel overwhelmed or rushed.

One challenge with the Grayed design is that all of this emotion is processed on the inside. They are having strong emotion, but on the outside they look rather unaffected. You cannot always read them, and they keep some of the details inside. When a Grayed person gets to this point, it plays out something like this in their head. “Well, when I last thought about this it just overwhelmed me. I tried to see where others were coming from, but I am having a hard time expressing how upset I am. I wish they could just read my mind and then they would respond in a way that I might find relief. And now that I’m thinking of it, the fact that they can’t see that about me makes me feel ever more upset…”

Here is an example. A husband and wife were driving in the car. The husband was worried about his birthday coming up because he has a hard time picking a place to celebrate where everyone can enjoy themselves. Each year this conflict comes up and no matter where he picks for his celebration, someone is not happy. He hates the confrontation of that. The wife, not knowing this is going on in his head, says to him, “oh hey your parents called and they want to know where you would like to go to celebrate your birthday coming up?” The Grayed husband says, “hmm..” then 5 minutes of silence goes by before he replies, “yes that sounds great.” The wife is left confused and wondering where she got lost. The husband is wondering why she looks so confused.

If we could plug into the Grayed husband’s thought process, it would sound something like, “Oh I have been thinking about this all year. I have been researching places and I found this one with a lot of different choices. It will give everyone options and I love one particular spot myself, so we all win. I am so excited this year because I think this is just the place. Yes, that sounds great.”

The problem is that a Grayed person does not always know when they are going in and out of the conversation. They are so focused on the details they lose track of whether they are processing inside or if they are actually engaged in conversation. They can really think sometimes they are bringing people along. That was the case with this husband that is so Grayed. The wife, being in a secure place, was able to follow him and simply say, “you just said hum…followed by 5 min of silence then you stated Yes that sounds great.” The Grayed husband was shocked that he had only said those few words out loud. They both had a good laugh and it didn’t turn into an argument, leaving them both in a place to validate and find relief.

If you are high in the Grayed design, stay engaged and bring people along. It is much easier to tell someone that you are feeling uneasy about something and then bring them along each step as you work it out, rather than avoid it all together and then have to deal with a confrontation in the end. It will serve you and it will serve those around you.

Keep focused on one of the hallmarks of your design—your ability to point out details that the rest of us might not of thought of. It helps us consider other possibilities. It helps us expand how we look at things, relationships, and situations. It helps us grow if you stay in the conversation. Remember, you have a sensitivity that is unique and very powerful. It provides empathy and calm when things feel out of control, if used in healthy ways. Try not to think past things. Stay in the moment, and if you find yourself experiencing self-doubt, jump back in and find more details, using your healthy curiosity and discovery.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We Are Overwhelmed? Part 3

Posted on September 25, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

One thing to consider when learning about the rapprochement model is how a person gets overwhelmed. One temperament that is known for lending itself to being overwhelmed is that of sensitivity. To the degree that we are sensitive is the degree, or how frequently, we have potential to get overwhelmed. An example might be two small grandchildren visiting their grandpa. One child is joining their grandfather cheering on a sports event, being loud and is not affected by the noise and commotion. The other might be experiencing the opposite: feeling overwhelmed with the commotion, noise and chaos, and finds the surroundings unsettling. Both children are in the same environment at the exact same time, yet they are experiencing it completely different. In that setting, the child that is feeling overwhelmed is the one in need of rapprochement (or relief) in that moment.

As humans we are sometimes quick to criticize the child that needs relief when compared to the other child in the same situation that doesn’t. This would be a rapprochement foul because it is the situation that is driving the need for relief, not just the child. To prove this point, if you were to flip the activity or environment with these same grandchildren to something that would require a little more sensitivity as a skill, such as navigating a detailed story or staying with a detailed task, the sensitive child will thrive and the other one might get overwhelmed.

It is at the very point that the child is displaying signs or cues that they are overwhelmed that they are in need of healthy rapprochement from a strong, able caretaker that can securely hold their distress and follow them in a conversation to unravel the layers of what is causing them to be overwhelmed. It is a time when we literally need to see it through the child’s eyes and then (with their help) find an integrated declaration and a strong and secure solution for the dynamic. While we are doing this, we are lacing the conversation with encouragement.

As adults, we can fall into this trap when trying to support each other since there is not a child to parent dynamic when trying to comfort each other when feeling overwhelmed. We are in an adult to adult dynamic and the critical piece is that we share equal and mutual power. In some cases, when the other adult in the conversation is displaying sensitivity, we mistakenly read that as infantile and playing the role of a child, and then we take the more dominating position of the adult. It is most often done subconsciously, but nevertheless it leads to more distress on both parts and rapprochement or relief is thrown out the window. So as we interact with adults, we need to remember to continue treating that person as an equal while dealing with the situation.

This month we are focusing on what the rapprochement needs are in each design. Today let’s talk about the Grayed design.

What tends to overwhelm a Grayed person, and how do they find relief?

A Grayed person has a high amount of sensitivity. It is an advanced sensitivity, and when used in a healthy way it is what allows the Grayed person to feel intuitively through situations and pick up on dynamics and emotions that the rest of us might miss. Additionally, once they pick up on those details, they also have an advanced ability to make connections to the contingencies of what’s going on around them. Simply put, they can take the information and carefully connect the dots. This is due to the fact that they will take the time to process what might be, can be, or ought to be for any given situation or conversation.

A Grayed person can get overwhelmed when they are not given the time or the space to process through the aftermath of this advanced intuition. This hit to them can be experienced when they feel criticized or mocked because of the need to think it through. They are conservative, but they have the ability to tolerate extreme situations as long as they can run it through internally first to connect the dots and come up with safe solutions before they run into the drama.

Here is an example:

Let’s go back to the sensitive grandchild in the sports event scenario. If he were allowed to process the details first, he could tolerate the chaos and loud noise just like the other child. If he had advanced warning and could take a little time beforehand to process the event, it would sound INSIDE his mind something like this…

“Okay when we get there, grandpa will have the sports event on. It will be a party so everyone will likely be jumping and cheering. It will be loud. Sometimes the adults get more excited than they usually do in everyday life so they will react differently. Louder. They tend to jump around, so I could get knocked a little. It is all done in fun. I want to have fun with them so I think I will start out by sitting to the side and cheering with them.”

If you want to match their enthusiasm, honor their sensitivity, and bask in the details as they do. If you have an event that you are giving them the details of, tell them the details that you might experience in that setting as well. Listen to their processing and encourage them to bring you along in their thinking, then validate it. Every time I do this with someone that is Grayed, I learn more than they do. They think of things that would never cross my mind. They are thorough, and they help me clean up the things that I miss.

Feeding them details is a great way to support them. If you want to support them when they are overwhelmed, help them unpack the details and organize them into categories that are either solution focused or “things I’m just afraid of”. This sorting helps them keep going and not give up or avoid. They are so good at the details that they can give the same amount of attention to all of them, so helping them get back on track to processing in an inspiring way can feel like a lift. They do not do well with confrontation, so keeping everything on a neutral conversation or collaboration at all times is a great way to support them. Just always be collaborating and bringing each other along. Abrupt starts and stops are very hard on them, so ease them into interactions by picking up where you left off. They see that as compassion and is part of that advanced sensitivity.

Here is another example. In a family that visits Human Art from time to time, one of the daughters is very Grayed and has that advanced sensitivity. The rest of the family is very concrete in their thinking, so they move in a real, logical way to get things done. They find themselves often deeming the Grayed daughter or sister as the “weak one” because she does not move as boldly through life as they do. In one situation, they were in a great amount of stress because the Grayed daughter/sister was not working with them in their daily chores like the others were. They complained that she spent the majority of the time in her room and bathroom with the door locked and wouldn’t participate with the others in daily chores. They expressed their frustration that she would finally come out late, when all of them were done interacting with each other and ready for bed. These accusations frustrated and confused the Grayed daughter and led to her pulling away emotionally from the rest of the family.

When we slowed things down and followed her, we found out that she was in her room so she could take the time to do her chores well so the rest of the family would benefit. When we asked the rest of the family what her chores were, they replied that she was responsible for the upkeep of her room and the bathroom. When we asked the family how well she does those jobs, they went into great detail about how amazing and meticulous those jobs are done, consistently. They even described how she cleans and organizes the drawers and cupboards. One sibling talked about how she would often pack a suitcase when they would go on trips and expressed that it was beautiful to see how organized and prepared the suitcase was. It was done days, sometimes weeks, in advance.

In this situation, the family was missing the Grayed sensitivity and attention to detail. They discovered that they focused more on the fact that she did not come out of her room, and less on the detail of the job she was doing. When they began to help her feel validated, they later explained that she spent more and more time outside of her room and with them because they understood and validated her.

If you are Grayed or have high amounts of the Grayed design in your personality, get in the detailed habit of providing your own rapprochement, and do it in meticulous ways. Ask the questions that need to be asked. Elicit the information or details that are not given to you. Process in that calm way that is the hallmark of your design. Use that advanced and beautiful intuition that we all depend on in healthy ways. Process more, worry less. Get fear out and start connecting all of those beautiful contingencies that life has to offer. Love deep, talk to us more, teach us how to see the world from your strengths, and don’t shut down just because others don’t understand your process.

And always remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook