Category: Grayed

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, Part 3

Posted on August 26, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings it is important for us to find relief if we are feeling unsafe. I feel like we are instinctively driven to run to the safest place when we are overwhelmed or need any kind of reassurance or calm. If we find ourselves in a situation where we have no safe place or no person that is safe, we are in danger of then manufacturing or projecting that we are an “OK” human, or that nothing is wrong. That causes us to just step right over those vulnerable feelings; and while we are stepping we are stuffing them down at the same time.

In other words, without a place or person of safety, the only other option is to avoid the vulnerable feelings all together. If you are high in the Grayed design, you might find yourself in that situation if you cannot find safety in working out the details of your feelings or a task.

One of the major dynamics that sets up “performing to belong” in relationships or interactions between a Grayed person and someone with any of the other designs is the dynamic that a Grayed person romances life through the details. It is the details of the process that are so important to them. So, if someone challenges that or, even worse, criticizes them for taking the time on the details, it has the potential to shut them down. It is so hard for them to move through a task in a hurry and not consider each contingency. That very consideration is how they ensure that things will be done correctly and with the most efficiency to produce optimum results. If someone rushes past all that careful consideration, it tends to freeze or shut down the Grayed way of doing things. The Grayed person is left with no alternate plan because they cannot function if things are not thought through and it creates frustration. On top of all of this, a Grayed person does not like confrontation so they are left to just watch as the project, task, or conversations gets hijacked or, from their perspective, tanked. All this leaves them feeling hopeless.

This is where the Grayed design checks out and avoids all together. They are left with nothing else but to project. Project that they don’t care. Project that they are not available. Project that they can’t engage for whatever reason. So here we are, overwhelmed and wanting to run to the safest place—avoidance. That is the Grayed person’s only option in the perfection way of doing things.

If you are high in the Grayed design and you are in the “being human” way of traveling through life, then the place we will find you at any given time is engaging in the details of that journey. The Grayed person is brilliant at sitting back with a calm about them and taking in all of the contingencies of any given situation. In the healthy way of experiencing life through “being human”, the Grayed person is not as concerned with others’ judgement of whether something is good or bad, but are just content with taking in all that is going on around them and finding the richness in each experience or interaction. They are content to support their position of taking the time to understand all sides and, more importantly, where that might lead everyone, not just them. If we would all step back and listen to a healthy Grayed person evaluate a dynamic we’d discover that it is seldom done from a selfish position, it is often evaluated so that everyone benefits.

The hallmark of the Grayed person is taking the time to see the “what could be” or the “what might be” of each situation. They think each fact through to see where it will end up or where it will put us if we make that decision, so they save us a lot of problems or grief from making the wrong choice or getting a bad outcome. If we would allow them a minute or two (or three or more) they will process through any dynamic and they can evaluate the good and the bad. They can see the romance of each choice. If we can resist dismissing them because they take extra time to think things through, then we get to witness the beautiful acceptance and tolerance that they have for life. If you are Grayed and you want to stay in the “being human” lane of life, then you have to do that for yourself. Support yourself while negotiating, and at all costs stay engaged no matter what is happening because you will help us see all of life, not just limited parts of it.

If you find that you have some Grayed in your personality, go ahead and THINK, PROCESS, TAKE TIME, NEGOTIATE, BE THOROUGH, SEE THE CONTINGENCIES, PLAN, AND ALWAYS DREAM!!! Dream in a way that only the Grayed mind can. You will see the beauty and romance in life. You deserve that and you will help the rest of us see that beauty as well. We deserve that too. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Grayed Design

Posted on July 22, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When you are learning to recognize the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” dynamics in your life or with one or two people around you, I believe we all have the desire to move into a healthier space. Moving out, however, can feel overwhelming, so the tendency is to avoid that action all together. This has potential to lead us to more hopelessness and feeling stuck. Remember that you can move one step at a time. Start to unpack these kinds of relationships, and with each new bit of information just take a little step forward. If you are moving and growing (even if it is slow) you are still on the right track. There is no one behind you with a stopwatch when it comes to discovering new things about yourself and growing (if there is then that could be a problem and is possibly the first place to start unpacking). Each person’s pace and timing on the way to learning how to prosper is as individual as each person is themselves.

What does prosper look like?

GRAYED

For someone who is high in the Grayed design, to prosper is to experience things. It’s all about the journey, and what dictates if the journey is prosperous or successful lies all in the details. Good or bad, they love to dissect and analyze them. It is where the joy and learning lives. The fuel is time. They need time to process the details so they get the most out of every experience that they possibly can. They love to slow down and look ahead to see all the possibilities and contingencies. It is a Grayed person’s playground and it is meticulous and refined.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic the main character or Grayed person seems to quickly buy into the projective identity that they are too slow—that is the hook. You would think it would be more complex, but in most cases it isn’t. The controller just has to keep throwing out that storyline and point out all of the times that Grayed person has taken too long. All the controlling person has to do is cast that out there and if the Grayed character bites on it then they themselves will complicate it by adding all of the details and contingencies. The controlling person can now just sit back and watch them swirl. If the Grayed person starts to analyze in a healthy way, the controlling person will quickly recast another line out full of examples of how they are taking too much time. They will sometimes say it is unnatural.

The” can be” of the Grayed design is that they can overthink, get overwhelmed, and then avoid. That is dangerous because they tend to shut down and lose their curiosity; it’s as if they leave their post and the controller is now present to do whatever damage they want with no one there to neutralize those hits.

If a Grayed person is at a point where they want to navigate the “Once Upon a Time” dynamic in a healthy way and turn it into their own “happily ever after,” the best thing is to start with listening in the very meticulous ways that the Grayed design is known for. Use your discovery first and when you hear repeated statements that seem peppered or harsh, like, “you think too much,” “You overthink things,” or something else to that effect, that might be the best place to start. You can analyze those relationships. The next step is to engage in conversations. Start by simply asking questions and then looking for open-ended answers that can lead to a healthy conversation. Then that is when you support yourself in asking for what you need. If you need more time, negotiate for it. If you need more answers, ask for help. When someone tells you that you are slow, tell them you are meticulous and ask if they have a specific time in which they need an answer. All these will get you back into your authenticity. Most importantly, stay engaged in finding that healthy place, and then support yourself by staying there.

The Grayed “can be” to get overwhelmed can be a barrier—don’t let it be. If you feel overwhelmed, break down what is overwhelming you personally first, then make a plan for that. If you try and complicate it with what is overwhelming others when you are trying to get your answers it will get you in a place where you spin out because you can’t connect it all. Just make your connections first, then from that healthy place help solve the others. Just stay engaged at all costs. I mean stay engaged in your process and protect it.

One of the best things that the Grayed design offers is your ability to stay calm. Because you tend to be understated and conservative you don’t make bold moves all the time. Most the time you are constant and methodical and that brings a calmness to a room, a conversation, or task. Stay in that value and don’t let anyone convince you that you are not those things. Think about healthy things because your design tends to process what you are focused on.

You deserve your process. You deserve your authentic route. We all do, because everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

“Who Are You…Really?” Getting ME Back

Posted on June 25, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

There are many strategies that we as humans use to try and determine whether we can trust someone or not. One of the most common that I have heard about is deciding if people are kind and consistent. Another great way to determine if you can trust someone is if they are authentic. If they are not, it doesn’t always mean they have ill will intended for you, it could just mean they are insecure. Regardless of the reason, it is just a good way to know whether or not you can trust someone, especially with your own vulnerabilities.

If someone is not authentic and is trying to project a self that is not really them, it can mean that they don’t even trust themselves. If this is the case, they might not be a great candidate for someone to confide in or draw close to you. A manufactured self cannot generate anything because they are not a real self, just a projected version of who that person wants you to believe they are.

If you find yourself in a place where you are the one projecting something that you are not, it might be time to ask yourself, “who am I?” and start the process of getting your true self back.

We all seem to experience trials to some degree and, as we have discussed in the past few weeks, that puts us in a position to lose a little or a lot of who we really are. It is at this point we need to do an about face and run right back to who we really are authentically.

*Photo Source: Pexels (text added by Human Art)*

The first step to that is take a trip down memory lane and think about those things that were important to you when you were very young. Children usually don’t have an agenda to impress, they just seem to love to explore, and it seems natural to them to be curious. If you look back to when you were young you will find clues about how you were made, your design, and personality, and what you were beginning to value.

Second, think of your hopes and dreams. What are the things that bring meaning to you and your life? Spend time focusing on and discussing these with safe people around you. It will keep the focus on those things and can create a passion to see them out.

Third, assess regrets. Ask yourself what you regret not doing and, if it is healthy, make a plan to do it or have a do over. Find a way in your situation to slowly incorporate changes in some way to eliminate regret and move forward.

Lastly, remember that your design is unique and you are made completely different than anyone else. However, each design has a few different regrets in common, so it might be a helpful start to evaluate where you want to begin your journey in getting back to who you are authentically.

SATURATED
They love order, so any regrets usually have to do with not having the discipline to create the order around them that they need. They also love appropriateness or dignity so anytime they step off that kind of integrity, it eats at them. If that is the case, it is a good idea to have the healthy conversations needed to set the record straight as to what is really important to them and what they value.

WHITENED
They love enrolling, so when they have had situations where they have left someone out it eats at them. If this is the case, to make it right they either need to go back and make that person feel a part of things or, if that is not possible or unhealthy, just learn from it and correct that dynamic in future interactions. Make sure that same mistake is not repeated. Whitened people also love change, so if you find yourself relating to this and you are not creating the spontaneity in your life that leads to healthy growth, create it. Don’t wait for others to do it, you do it for yourself and enjoy all those that are willing to experience it with you.

GRAYED
They value tradition and thread relationships, so when a tradition gets cut off or a thread relationship in your life has been cut off, this can eat at them. If this is the case, bring back those old important traditions and create them again in a way that is meaningful to you. It might not be exactly the same and with the exact same people, but find components of the tradition that are fulfilling and bring them into the start of a new tradition, be the guard of it, and make sure it happens from now on. Take ownership of it. If relationships have been cut off and they are good healthy relationships, reach out. It doesn’t have to be much. Just a, “hello how are you?” to start that connection again.

BLACKENED
They value tasks and being able to fix it. If they have regrets it usually has to do with not mending or fixing something. If it is healthy and good for everyone around, then take the time to go back and fix what you missed. If it is not healthy, change the expectation of the fix and create a new compartment int your brain for “fixing is not fixing.” It is being able to label it “let it go” or not worth it.” Don’t save unhealthy things as something to fix or check off, just re-label them as not fixable and then you can move on. Take it off the list of things to fix.

These might not be representative of the whole journey of getting your authentic self back, but they are a great place to start evaluating what needs to happen in order to get your authenticity back or make it stronger. You are worth it, and it is a matter of telling those around you that they can trust you because you are honest about who you are.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Getting Our Authentic Self Back After Trauma – The Grayed and Blackened Designs

Posted on June 18, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We talked last week about how trauma, big or small, can take away our authenticity. It is in those small traumas that occur over time that we are at risk of forgetting who we are and losing our sense of self and self-love. It leads us to give up a little confidence in our self each time we experience self-doubt because of a trauma. Remember, a trauma is anything life changing or that changes life as it was. Someone treating you harshly or really inflicting pain in any way can be considered traumatic and has potential to hit our authenticity. As a personality profiler, it is important to me that if you have experienced this on any level, run as fast as you can back to you authentic self.

When I am picking colors for any project, I consider which ones I will use based on what communication is needed. Last week I talked about how the Saturated and Whitened colors both need to shine; this week let’s talk about Grayed and Blackened.

If the colors selected are Grayed or Blackened, one component that needs to be present, no matter what color it is, is that both these designs relate better to the communication if they are matte. It is common in both designs that the communication is a little more understated. They like things more organic.

It is the same when these types of people are relating to others. Part of experiencing trauma is so much light and attention is shining on the person in a trauma, and just that fact alone can be even more traumatic. When someone in this design gets criticized for wanting to navigate the consequences of the experience in a more understated way, it can lead to extreme behavior in an attempt to protect themselves and get out of the spotlight. This can become a safety strategy over time.

Getting your authenticity back after a trauma
We had a client that experienced this. This client was desperate to find employment but had been treated harshly in past employment. The effects on this client were pretty damaging and in an attempt to keep it in a quiet place they just quietly and without any disruption left and looked for another job. The problem is that part of the criticism from the former boss led them to not trust anyone. In the interviews for each job, the minute the interviewer would ask questions about how they put themselves out there it created fear in our client. In an attempt to combat that fear, they would shut down and malfunction. Needless to say, the job hunting wasn’t going well for a while.

It is important to remember that the Grayed loves things matte and organic but in a refined way. Things that are understated but have been put through a process to make them even more desirable and legitimate. It is the same with the Grayed person. They love to be conservative but in their authenticity it still should be processed and analyzed in calm ways to make things more desirable. More desirable results equals more desirable conversations. The depth of things is where the Grayed design does its best work. Getting in and looking at all contingencies. That is the way back to authenticity.

It is also important to remember that the Blackened design loves thing matte and organic but in an earthy way. Just the way it is and was created. It is what it is. So the understated nature of the Blackened is the “no fuss” part of being in a conversation, or a dynamic, almost always as part of a task. That is the way back to the Blackened authenticity.

Being understated, conservative, or matte is so beautiful, and is a great way to navigate your way back from trauma. Find those things around you that make you feel safe in this form of authenticity. The road back to that place is filled with a collection of understated quiet conversations, calm interactions, and natural and organic experiences. To get there, find someone or something that will fulfill those needs. If they don’t relate to that design its ok, just find someone who will support it and celebrate it. Engage and put effort into things. It’s okay to pace it. Be matte and go deep into things. It is a beautiful way to find the romance and creation of your life.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Design Inner Conflict: The Grayed Design

Posted on May 21, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When we think of our own inner conflicts, it is interesting that often we feel the pull of the inner conflicts of our designs, but were never sure what it was or why. It is usually a relief to put a name or explanation on that dynamic. It really does benefit us to get familiar with our own conflicts. When we take the time to evaluate and understand our inner conflicts and the unique dynamics of how they work, it helps us become healthier. When we are dealing with them they have a way of making us feel crazy—it is literally like we are at war with ourselves—so if we can properly navigate them we can rise to a higher level of relating to others and also find a greater sense of self.

We’ve talked about what those conflicts look like for dominantly Saturated and Whitened people, let’s talk this week about the Grayed design.

The Grayed Inner Conflicts
The Grayed central focus is summed up in one word: meticulous. The details are so important, and they are the groundwork of any conversation, dynamic, task or interaction of any kind. If the Grayed person can’t get the details they need and the time to process or research those details, it has the potential to freeze them. They could then move straight to avoidance. If they do get the details they need, it moves them forward and provides meaning to whatever it is they are navigating.

Grayed with an Influence of Saturated
When a Grayed person has a strong Saturated secondary design, the inner conflict usually shows up in the thought process or the planning stages. Because both designs are introverted, most of the time this war goes on inside but it carries the fight through the entire day. The Grayed part of the thought process wants all the details and can spin round and round basting in the contingencies, where the Saturated part wants a declaration or conclusion right now. The “war” sounds like, “I want to think this through, but I need to make a decision.” As another example, when it comes to money the Grayed loves saving, but the Saturated loves buying a quality piece. Once the purchase is made the Grayed can’t wait to save again.

Grayed with an Influence of Whitened
When you have a person who is high in Grayed with a strong secondary Whitened design, the war is between the conservative nature of the Grayed and the celebrative nature of the Whitened. In any type of interaction, the Grayed wants to keep it understated and within limits, and will err on the cautious side. The Whitened however, wants to emphasize the spontaneity and anticipate the other’s needs so they will err on side of the “wow factor.” As a result, when faced with a big event they may not know where to land.

Grayed with an Influence of Blackened
When you have a person who is predominantly Grayed with a high Blackened secondary, the rub is in the fact that the Grayed wants to think about it and the Blackened just wants to do it. Often times it has a “start and halt, start and halt” pattern. It can look like malfunctioning because of the start-stop sequence. It’s like the Grayed is saying, “Can we talk about this?”

Whatever the conflict is, if you have a predominant Grayed design, my advice is to engage and stay engaged because you can think about it along the way. If you are engaged, you can always take a moment to think or process or ask a question, or even just listen. The worst thing a Grayed person can do is shut down and avoid. If you can stay engaged, your interactions will be more rewarding and your conversations will have more depth.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook