Category: The 4 Designs

Who Am I Supposed to Be? Overcoming Self Doubt (Week 3-Grayed)

Posted on October 23, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

If we can, it is a good idea to find a way to stop self-doubt right when it starts to hit us. If we can do that, we can prevent a good deal of worry or possible anxiety. If we let self-doubt take hold, it can spin off to many different forms of doubt. It’s like finding a bees nest and, instead of containing it, just cracking it open and all of the bees are released and start swarming. Imagine our self-doubt as the bees. Once we crack that open and let it take hold it can have a similar result. If we just step back and change the channel at the first hint of self-doubt, it could be very healing and can change our thought process, for that moment at least.

One skill that could help us make that change is to find something to focus on that is happening right now. Changing our channel from self-doubt and worry to curiosity and just watching what will happen next. We can use anything to divert our attention from the worry of self-doubt; something as simple as the temperature outside, hearing a conversation live, watching a person making a meal to see what ingredient is next and how it affects the outcome of the dish. It is just a skill to change the channel in our brain to a different channel of curiosity in the moment.

In early childhood development we can see this dynamic played out almost daily. I love to listen to our clinical team teach this process. I watch a child that is frustrated because they are feeling self-doubt. The self-doubt can come from so many places. It could be doubt because a sibling is getting some attention so they may doubt their importance to a caregiver, it could be they can’t complete a task, or even when they need to share and they don’t have the emotional stamina to be able to tolerate giving up something they want for themselves. Regardless of the circumstances, what is obvious is that the child is doubting themselves. They might not always be able to verbalize it, but they certainly are feeling it.

This is the point they may act out due to their confusion. Those of us around them tend to bite on their behavior without discovering what is happening to them emotionally. As the team is teaching us to watch for that first sign of self-doubt, I can see it; as I learn to intervene by changing the channel and guiding their attention to something else, they literally slide right out of self-doubt and back into healthy interactions. In older children we can then learn to teach the consequence after the channel is changed. In younger children, it seems to be enough to get them to a healthier channel and back in the moment.

This is true for adults as well. Although it is not as infantile, it still shows up. You can see it when they are experiencing a high amount of self-doubt. The “bees nest” so to speak is opened and the swarm of worry starts. That is the exact point we need to change the channel and find something that is happening now, live, playing out right in front of us so we are curious and we are calming down. This puts us back in a neutral place so we are able to use our best thinking instead of infantile survival systems.

Here is an example:

A three-year-old experiences the feeling of being a big brother in the family unit. He is excited and you can see his efficacy grow. He goes to the hospital with his “Big Brother” t-shirt on and gets great amounts of positive attention for being such a good big brother. As his grandparents parade him through the hall of the hospital, he walks proud and puffed up, all ready for this grand adventure, to meet his little brother. He is excited when he sees the new addition to the family, and it punctuates his new role. He is careful and is attentive to the needs of his little brother and feeling very important in the new family dynamic.

A few days later, at the house when the family is home and settling in, the three-year-old notices just how much attention the baby is getting and you can see that first prick of self-doubt. Not even understanding what is happening and why, the swarm hits him. His best system at this point is to react with negative behavior. It is his best communication at the time. He starts to pitch a fit over nothing and the healthy parents see those first signs of self-doubt. Wisely, they change the channel. They ask the three-year-old to come put some ingredients in the bowl for the dinner they are making. There it is. Just simply defusing the self-doubt and bringing the child into something that is playing out in the moment. This moved the child into curiosity and in that state he was able to ask the parent, “am I still important?” The parent then follows the child into whatever conversation is appropriate for his age.

This month we are looking at what self-doubt looks like in each design. This week we will focus on the Grayed design.

In the rapprochement model we know that when a Grayed person gets overwhelmed it is usually due to the fact that they cannot work out the details of something and they move to avoidance; or it could possibly be that they don’t relate to confrontation and they see one coming for them. In these situations, they can experience a great amount of self-doubt that hits them all at once. It is at this time that they feel it, but keep in mind it has been brewing for some time and it is just in this particular moment they realize it has gotten out of hand. Up until this point, they have likely moved to avoid it. We know that they need all the details—what could be, and at what time, and where to be before, and then what will happen, etc.—and if they can’t get them they feel lost. Not knowing all the details can make them feel insecure and overwhelmed, which leads to self-doubt. They also need time to process, so that could be another reason they feel overwhelmed or rushed.

One challenge with the Grayed design is that all of this emotion is processed on the inside. They are having strong emotion, but on the outside they look rather unaffected. You cannot always read them, and they keep some of the details inside. When a Grayed person gets to this point, it plays out something like this in their head. “Well, when I last thought about this it just overwhelmed me. I tried to see where others were coming from, but I am having a hard time expressing how upset I am. I wish they could just read my mind and then they would respond in a way that I might find relief. And now that I’m thinking of it, the fact that they can’t see that about me makes me feel ever more upset…”

Here is an example. A husband and wife were driving in the car. The husband was worried about his birthday coming up because he has a hard time picking a place to celebrate where everyone can enjoy themselves. Each year this conflict comes up and no matter where he picks for his celebration, someone is not happy. He hates the confrontation of that. The wife, not knowing this is going on in his head, says to him, “oh hey your parents called and they want to know where you would like to go to celebrate your birthday coming up?” The Grayed husband says, “hmm..” then 5 minutes of silence goes by before he replies, “yes that sounds great.” The wife is left confused and wondering where she got lost. The husband is wondering why she looks so confused.

If we could plug into the Grayed husband’s thought process, it would sound something like, “Oh I have been thinking about this all year. I have been researching places and I found this one with a lot of different choices. It will give everyone options and I love one particular spot myself, so we all win. I am so excited this year because I think this is just the place. Yes, that sounds great.”

The problem is that a Grayed person does not always know when they are going in and out of the conversation. They are so focused on the details they lose track of whether they are processing inside or if they are actually engaged in conversation. They can really think sometimes they are bringing people along. That was the case with this husband that is so Grayed. The wife, being in a secure place, was able to follow him and simply say, “you just said hum…followed by 5 min of silence then you stated Yes that sounds great.” The Grayed husband was shocked that he had only said those few words out loud. They both had a good laugh and it didn’t turn into an argument, leaving them both in a place to validate and find relief.

If you are high in the Grayed design, stay engaged and bring people along. It is much easier to tell someone that you are feeling uneasy about something and then bring them along each step as you work it out, rather than avoid it all together and then have to deal with a confrontation in the end. It will serve you and it will serve those around you.

Keep focused on one of the hallmarks of your design—your ability to point out details that the rest of us might not of thought of. It helps us consider other possibilities. It helps us expand how we look at things, relationships, and situations. It helps us grow if you stay in the conversation. Remember, you have a sensitivity that is unique and very powerful. It provides empathy and calm when things feel out of control, if used in healthy ways. Try not to think past things. Stay in the moment, and if you find yourself experiencing self-doubt, jump back in and find more details, using your healthy curiosity and discovery.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Who Am I Supposed to Be? Overcoming Self Doubt (Week 2-Whitened)

Posted on October 15, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Self-doubt prevents you from looking inward and discovering what is uniquely yours; those things about your personality that make you who you are. The fear of not belonging tips the scale and you become more interested in conforming than in performing in a healthy, authentic way. This has high potential to place you on a destructive trajectory. It can generate a LOST kind of feeling. Some might minimize the effects of self-doubt and reduce it to “having a hard time”, and others might see it as some form of humility, but if we dare to take a deeper look and run into our feelings of self-doubt we can collect good information. We can assess in a healthy way where we might be doubting our self. We could possibly sit there long enough to see what we think others think we should be. If we stay long enough and tolerate those feelings, we can even notice where we are outsourcing and who we are outsourcing approval to. If we can do this, it is the first step in taking our healthy power back.

When you are experiencing self-doubt, you are not operating in your character. Character is an enduring pattern of behavior based on correct principle. Self-doubt is abandoning the work that you have put into creating these patterns over time and creating the foundation of your autonomy. One the other hand, when we consistently work this routine along the way, day to day, it cannot help but enhance your design. Those of us in self-doubt abandon this process and vacillate between building our authentic patterns and mirroring others. In mirroring others, we crash our boundaries often and that is where we lose parts of ourselves. It is exactly at this point we stop enrolling others and we find our self submitting to them instead.

In early childhood development we work to find what they love. If they were a child, maybe he has interest in airplanes. He might go on in his life to collect airplanes. He could possibly even fly them. If the secure parent can just follow him in this interest with curiosity and support his interest, taking him to museums and exploring books on airplanes, he will find his place and where he lands. If the parent can’t tolerate it because they like something else, that shuts down his interest and leads to self-doubt, the kind at this point he can only feel and might not be able to verbalize yet. Conversely, in a healthy situation, even if the child doesn’t stay with airplanes, they definitely get the message that their interests are important and they have a secure environment to explore. They are forming who they are.

This month we are looking at what self-doubt looks like in each design. This week we will focus on the Whitened design.

In the rapprochement model that we focused on last month we know that when a Whitened person gets overwhelmed it usually has to do with their circles of people or relationships. When they cannot please these people or get others to be together in healthy ways and it can overwhelm them. We know that their social intelligence is high and we know they are exceptional at anticipating others’ needs, so if those in their circles are not reciprocating, that will overwhelm a Whitened person over time.

One challenge with a Whitened person is they will not tell you they are getting overwhelmed until they have had it. In some cases they will never tell you, so they just abandon ship and it looks random or doesn’t make sense to you. In reality, they have been leaving the situation for a long time. It could leave those in the Whitened social circles or relationships scratching their heads and asking “how did that happen?” It is the Whitened persons way of saying “I’m out.”

When a Whitened person gets to this point it goes something like this in their head: “I have been trying and trying to love this person. I have been thinking what they need, and they in turn don’t even know me, so why even bother?” In this place, they still love this person and they still have a desire to be in their life, they have just lost their desire to enroll them into their vulnerability. The consequences of this is that they are now in a space where they do not anticipate the needs of this person or relationship, so it has the potential to look flippant to the others in the relationship. The relationship can lose its energy, and it tends to fizzle out with no confrontation just a very subtle separation over time.

Here is an example:

Two good friends in a work situation have been close friends for some time. The Whitened person is constantly anticipating, bantering with the other who is introverted, shy, and has an injury of being socially anxious. The Whitened person, in a light-hearted way paves a path when things become social that makes it very easy for the introverted one to step into any social situation. Time and time again when there are parties or large amounts of people involved, the Whitened person is there to pave the way, so no one even notices that the other person even struggles with these situations.

This goes on and on for years, and the Whitened person is getting fatigued of this, a little at a time. In the meantime, it is so easy to lean on the Whitened person that the introverted person at some level just gets accustomed to it and, after all, the Whitened person looks as if they are enjoying the ride—they make it look effortless. It is here where the Whitened person just wakes up and says, “I’m out.” They feel as if the other person in this work relationship doesn’t know them. They come into work and, later that day when there is a party, the introverted is ready for the paved road. Instead, they find themselves alone outside the door waiting for their Whitened friend, who doesn’t show up. They find out later that the Whitened friend is not even at this work party, but at a completely different party all together. The Whitened person does not even bring it up again. They are still nice but show no interest in creating the paved road anymore. Over time, these fast friends drift apart.

If the introverted friend, despite their social anxiety, could just meet a need of the Whitened co-worker here and there, even in small ways, the Whitened person would not fatigue. It would actually lead to a conversation of gratitude, which makes it easy for a Whitened person to step into vulnerability and helps them open up about what they need. This cannot help but strengthen the relationship overtime. They will appreciate the thoughtfulness and sincerity of the introverted person. This can go far in setting a foundation for a secure attachment in the relationship. It will also lead to healthy vulnerability.

The interesting thing is that in these situations, where the Whitened person gets overwhelmed and they are not getting the relief that they need, they do act in random ways, which often leads to criticism from others because their actions appear so random and illogical. This just leads to more distance and puts a wedge in the relationship.

If you are high in the Whitened design, use that Whitened charm to engage in relationships with healthy people. Create a space that is light-hearted and safe because that is the hallmark of your relationship. But stop along the way to get your own needs met and don’t be so quick to put them to the side. Think of it as feeding the relationship and preventing it from becoming fragile and brittle. Remember that always putting your needs to the side will not overwhelm you until suddenly it does, so work hard to prevent this dynamic along the way.

Really focus in on the example I gave and freeze the situation that we just talked about. The moment that paving the way for the other friend becomes a routine rather than something that happens in the moment, we see where the Whitened person can start to become overwhelmed. They get the feeling the other person does not know the Whitened person. This is the moment the breakdown gets its start. The introverted co-worker doesn’t know the Whitened person because the Whitened person doesn’t give them the chance. They are too busy paving the way, meeting the other person’s needs. So this is the very point when the Whitened person could just simply pause, speak up, and tell the other person about what they need. Negotiate. It could be something as simple as, “Hey I’m a little tired, when we get into the party could you find me a chair? Sometimes paving the way can make me tired.” That little bit of information gives the other a chance to reciprocate, which leads to bonding. Remember, we can only bond if we are receiving as well as giving. The receiving end is where we have potential for strong bonding. So if we are not receiving and always giving, then we are not bonding in healthy ways.

At the end of the day we ask ourselves those two questions

Who am I?

You are you in that light-hearted, social way. You are you the way you like to enroll and serve others.

Why am I outsourcing to others more than I am supporting myself in my design?

Remember, if we are outsourcing our approval at any point and putting that approval above our own authenticity we are in trouble. We might be paving a way for others to find relief, but we are paving the way to broken relationships as well if we are not negotiating, receiving, and bonding at the same time. That is a sure recipe for self-doubt!

This is critical for all designs, but it is especially critical for the Whitened personality. When we are collaborating we are still bonding; if we are hushed the relationship could be in trouble. Instead of staying hushed, go find healthy relationships. Seek for give and take interactions, live in the moment, and live in your design’s integrity. Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Who Am I Supposed to Be? Overcoming Self-Doubt (Week 1-Saturated)

Posted on October 8, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

At Human Art we get the opportunity to meet people daily. A dynamic we have observed in talking with many people is that we as humans seem to have a soul desire to constantly function at a higher level. No matter where we find our self in life, or no matter our circumstances, we seem to strive to get to a higher or more advanced level of what we are experiencing. This can be such a good and progressive dynamic but, on the other hand, if not navigated in a healthy way it has the potential to destroy our authenticity. One of the pitfalls that we often see as part of this personal destruction, is self-doubt.

A good explanation of self-doubt is the difference in what you are expected to be and who you are originally, authentically. That difference between those two is confusing at best because we know what others might think we should be to get their approval, but we also instinctively know who we are and what we really want to be. We know where our values and talents really land.

In early child development we learn that when too much emphasis is put on external expectations, and approval, acceptance, and belonging is tied to that, a child learns that outsourcing is a superior way of getting their needs meet. One way to explain outsourcing is in the rapprochement model that we discussed last month. When a child is looking for relief and the caretaker is unavailable, they have no other choice but to look to the outside world to get their needs meet. In extreme cases they can get further with a stranger than their own preoccupied caretaker, leaving them in a habit of outsourcing their survival. When these little ones become adults, they are too familiar with looking outward for approval and acceptance instead of being anchored in their own authentic approval or supporting themselves.

I often think of outsourcing that leads to self-doubt as a person that is playing the role of jello and those they interact with as the molds. Each time they interact with someone, the jello conforms to the other’s way of doing things and to their way of accepting others, to their values, and their systems of navigating life. Then when they jump to the next person, they mold to theirs and abandon the one prior. It goes on and on each time they jump, leaving the jello confused and in a place where they have lost sight of who they were in the first place. Sometimes they can’t even access their original feelings, likes, and preferences. They now cease to operate in their own autonomy, which is defined by their own design, and is their authentic mold. Silly example but profound in its impact.

How does each design experience self-doubt that leads to outsourcing? Let’s start this week with discussing the Saturated design. We will focus on the others in the coming weeks.

In the rapprochement model, the Saturated person needs relief when they have too many things coming at them at once. This is important to understand. When you stop and look deeper into that one dynamic of the Saturated person in your life, there is a plethora of information. If you find them in a place where too much is coming at them, the first thing you know for sure is that they need out. This is not always because they don’t think they can do something about it, it is often due to the fact that they don’t find value in doing something about it. This is where we get the phrase, “I’M OUT.” It is important to understand at that moment they don’t know why they have stepped into this space in the first place, whether it be a project, a conversation, or a relationship, and they are experiencing the first hit of self-doubt.

It plays something like this in their mind: “How did a person like me get myself in a place like this?” They are not doubting their ability to fix or navigate, they are doubting their judgment as to why they picked this particular project, conversation, or relationship in the first place. They can see they are not going to get the quality outcome they expected. They are, in a way, doubting their judgment, which is a hallmark in that design that they are very proud of—their clear logic. In this moment, they feel as though they have lost that ability to see things clearly and logically, and they feel like they are drowning without one of their best skills.

Here is an example.

Years ago, in a training for the Human Art design team, we as a staff wanted to punctuate this dynamic played out through a Saturated person. One of the talented designers was Saturated, so we purposefully called her to the front of the room and put her in a group of four or five other designers who were all high in the Whitened design. This one designer was the only one that was high in the Saturated and low in the Whitened. No one knew our intentions except the leaders of the activity. We instructed the small group to create any design they wanted, the only thing they had to do was use the supplies on a table in front of them. The supplies were covered with a sheet. When we said “begin,” they were to remove the sheet and then had 5 minutes to create a design with these items only. We wanted them to demonstrate this task in front of the others in the design team so the team could observe and learn from their skills.

We gave the command, and the small group of Whitened and the one Saturated designer removed the sheet. On the table was a pile of supplies that were flimsy and cheap in quality. Toilet paper rolls, cheap tissue paper, pipe cleaners, paper towels, balloons and confetti. At first glance the Whitened people squealed with excitement, but the Saturated designer froze. As she observed the supplies and the lack of quality, you could almost hear her thoughts and see that first step of self-doubt. She became embarrassed, and instinctively stepped away from the table. Each time she observed the items, she would take another step away from the table. Then when realizing the social pressure of the demonstration, she became frustrated with her self-doubt and visibly became overwhelmed. Her exact words were, “I’M OUT.”

The interesting thing is, the Whitened people then picked up on her stress and started doubting themselves, just because she was doubting. We quickly ended the demonstration and called her back up. We talked about the outcome and then, to her relief, brought another table out that was full of quality supplies, organized in a simple and orderly way so she could see what she had to work with. You could see her confidence come back. She immediately stepped close to the new table and reengaged in the activity.

If we could freeze that activity at the point that she saw what was on the table, we would discover that she had too much information, and she could instantly see she was not going to get a quality outcome. This would be right where a Saturated person has high potential to experience self-doubt. It is at this moment the Saturated person must decide whether to outsource their acceptance, approval, and values or inner source (trust their authentic self) them. If no one is there to offer relief or a clear solution, that would be the point in which outsourcing would begin. They might worry what others are thinking of their performance. They would start to assess what others are thinking of them. They would definitely have high potential for a considerable amount of self-doubt. Because the Saturated thought process is all or nothing, it is at this very moment you could possibly lose that connection of the Saturated person, or you could lose that Saturated person as a participant all together.

To the Saturated person, this is a good place to examine yourself and see if you would have the strength, like this designer did, to find the conditions that you need. Be determined to support yourself, negotiate from that vantage point, and re-engage (inner source), anchoring firmly from your authenticity to complete the task.

The magic of this inner sourcing is when you have the ability to follow each other in whatever design they are and negotiate the needs of both people’s design needs. If everyone in the group is inner sourcing needs and approval from the inside out we find order, which is a high need of the Saturated design. If we have everyone in the group outsourcing, we are left with chaos, which leads to zero amount of collaboration. When it comes to the Saturated people in the group, that is when they are all respectively “out.” Each one of them are out in their own way. The Saturated people are often deemed leaders of the group because of the authority that the Saturated people seen to relate to, so they often unintentionally persuade the group for good or bad.

At the end of the day, we may find ourselves asking these 2 questions:

1. “Who am I?” The answer is, you are YOU. The way you came to this great earth or human experience. You are you, authentically, the way you were put together the moment you were born. Completely intact with your organic authenticity. You are you before others even had a chance to try and influence you with their agenda. You are you, the one you believe in and the you that you feel at a deep level.and
2. “Why am I trying to find a better version of myself?”The key word in that question is the word find. If we are asking it in that way, then we are outsourcing. When we are asking the question, “Why am I trying to BE a better version of myself?” That is when we know we are on the right path to our authentic and real self, asking the right questions that lead us to more advanced levels of functioning and learning. That is where we find progression as humans.

If you are Saturated, or high in the Saturated design, run back to those few things that are important to you. Simplify your quality and move forward from that vantage point. Sequence your growth and life in a way that you are always pointing towards and asking for what you need to advance. When you feel yourself distancing from things that are good and healthy, jump back in; be steadfast in finding quality in a way that you need it. Support yourself. Love your design. Identify it. Identify and love others for their design.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed? Part 4

Posted on September 30, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Remembering to provide relief when one is overwhelmed is the simplest and most basic principle that I learned when considering the concept of rapprochement. I would like to add that in my opinion as a personality profiler, we also cannot underestimate the importance of offering relief that is central to the person’s design and the consequences to the relationship with that person when we fail to do so. Simply put, you cannot substitute your own way of feeling better or finding relief, for the other person’s way of finding relief. It just doesn’t work. In that moment they are not looking for a class, or lecture, or any type of learning experience; they just need to get out of this awful swirl of being overwhelmed so they can be in an equal or neutral place so they can function again. Once they reach that point they are more open to information. It would be like offering a person A NICE COLD REFRESHING DRINK OF WATER when they are drowning. It’s just not what they need to survive at that particular moment. It might make sense to you, because you just left the desert and that was just the thing that provided so much relief to you. So it’s a very compassionate offer, just not what fits that space at that time.

For example: if a child has a list of things they need to bring to school to get an A in the class, they would bring it to you immediately after school with excitement and telling you that they are going to have the opportunity to contribute to the class with their list in a way no one else can. You can see their efficacy growing as they are talking. If the parent reacts in a negative way (possibly overwhelmed with financial demands, but taking it out on the school system), they run the risk of overwhelming the child by either communicating directly or indirectly a refusal to provide the items on the list. The child is left in a desperate place. On one hand they want to contribute to the class and take pressure off the teacher by doing their part, on the other, they want to support to the parent by not putting pressure on the already stretched parent. Unfortunately, they cannot really provide either in a real way. They are just learning the concepts but are not in a place to be completely responsible. They are left hopeless to solve this. The parent might see the emotional distress and need for rapprochement but then offers it in a way that they so desperately need it, through emotional support. They know they always make it each month but with very little excess, so they would just need a little pep talk or someone to understand. So that is exactly what they offer the child. But in this instance, though the child does need a pep talk, more importantly he has a TASK and he needs it fulfilled and he has no power to do so. In this particular space the rapprochement in a task-oriented way is the solution. He is focused on the charge or task to “just provide the list.”

We can experience this same dynamic as adults. Although we have grown-up efficacy, we still have many tasks that need to be checked off each day. Despite our best efforts, we can fall short of checking them all off and may need others to step in and take a few. It’s not that we can’t do them or don’t have the capacity to accomplish them, it is the sheer volume that we cannot always fulfill. Still, from a director position we delegate a few to others (members of a family, other co-workers, other people in our social circles) but the same negative reactivity or possibly the communication of refusal can find its way in, and in our disappointment the relationship can experience a hit.

This month we are focusing on what rapprochement needs are in each design. Today let’s talk about the Blackened design.

What tends to overwhelm a Blackened person and how do they find relief?

A Blackened person is realistic and resourceful, so they are driven by the fix. If they see or are told something is broken or there is a problem, their body starts to move before their brain is even done evaluating the components or parts of the problem to fix it. They are solution focused and they want the most efficient and realistic way to approach that. No fluff, just check it off and move on. For this very reason they are driven through tasks. They are compartmentalized thinkers. Tasks are like their oxygen; it is as necessary to their functioning as the air they breathe. They are the first ones there if there is a problem, for no other reason than to fix it, to respond, to offer a hand or remedy. Their fuel is a practical version of logic: resourcefulness. You can usually count on some kind of help or protection from any problems if a healthy Blackened person is in the group. We instinctively know this because they seem to be the ones we seek out at the airport to help us find our gate or give us directions. It is as if we sense that they know what to do in the most pragmatic way. They are honest and real, that is how they nurture and that is why it seems easy to approach them.

A Blackened person can get overwhelmed if we don’t consider the gravity of getting the tasks done. If we take the fact that they need to be done lightly or have excuses as to why we didn’t do them, it can feel as if you are disrespecting them. Our careful consideration of why we didn’t complete the task, more than putting consideration to the consequences of not doing the task is frustrating to them. The more we talk, the less it makes sense to them. Then as they are legitimately spinning in confusion, we turn and leave them with a quick and defensive insult as to why they are so insensitive.

Here is an example:

Let’s go back to the child with the list from school. The Blackened in him is building a compartment. In his brain he is compartmentalizing what is needed so he can move on to experience the efficacy and independence of his contribution to his class and peers. He is going to be part of the fix. The solutions. He just needs these 5 things on the list. Not knowing how to get them can leave him overwhelmed in the first place. He might have been feeling a little of this weight at school while the teacher was explaining the task at first. When he gets to the caretaker or parent, the caretaker senses this and is interested in relief or rapprochement for the child in a healthy way, so they process it in a Blackened way.

It might sound something like this. The child might say “I’m so excited, I need to bring these 5 things to class and then we are going to build a project and I get to help with these things. It will be so great! Then we are going to share with another class and teach them what we learned. It will all be because I brought 5 things to class and helped.” In a healthy rapprochement model the parent would start to unpack the list and follow the child’s reaction to the list, rather than their reaction to the list. They would then follow the child into his perception of the list. He might already be worried about how to get these things without affecting the family, or he might be worried about something we could not anticipate, such as being afraid of the store where we get one of these items. We don’t know until we follow him into his perception. At the end of this conversation delivered by a strong capable caregiver the child hears, “We are going to accomplish obtaining these things. We might just be able to go out and get them, or we might get to go on an adventure to find them from now until the day they are due. We might ask some others for help. Whatever way we can get them, we will complete this task on time.” That response gives the child the rapprochement he needs to move forward.

For a Blackened person or someone who is high in the Blackened design, if you want to match their enthusiasm put some focus or energy into the tasks. If you have a problem, be upfront with it and bring it to them as soon as you become aware of it. Don’t be avoidant, be honest about how you feel and just get ‘r done. If you really want to support them, bring a solution with the problem. They will most likely FIX your solution, at least in some way, but they will deeply appreciate the effort and the attention to the bigger picture.

If you want to support them, take something off their list of things to do. This is one of the greatest gifts to them. Make sure when you do so to tell them why you are doing it. Communicate your intention so it won’t seem like they missed something or alarm them that something got overlooked or is wrong. It is just a quick way of checking it off the list for them and that is a big part of the whole Blackened system. It is satisfying to them and feels as if you really know them and respect how they think and work. That goes far in a Blackened world.

Here is another example:

We had a Blackened client at Human Art. As a caregiver they were pulling a great amount of the weight and the responsibility of the whole family but mostly for the younger kids in the family. They were completely capable, very organized, and hardworking; in fact, they kept getting promotions at work because of their integrity and work ethic. They would just fix things as they came in. No drama or fuss. Just good old-fashioned hard work and practical solutions.

When it came to the family members, they just saw this as something this caretaker liked to do and was really good at. “They preferred it that way,” was their perception. The caretaker reported being overwhelmed, overworked, and disrespected because any task they asked others to do was always the last priority to the rest of the family. When we asked the family how well the Blackened caregiver did at supporting the family they all responded similarly: “Great!” “So organized,” “You can always count on them,” “They make me feel safe when they are around.” But they all reported that the caretaker was overly focused on tasks and not on being in the moment like them. We them asked them if they enjoyed those benefits of organization, accountability, safety etc. if they thought that their Blackened caretaker would enjoy some of that returned to them, and if they thought the caregiver might enjoy it if it showed up when it came to tasks.

The great thing is that is what the family did. Each day they would do their assigned tasks as a priority and in addition they would do an extra one and tell their caregiver what they did and follow it up with, “you can check it off your list.” Those are some of the most loving words you can say to a Blackened person. In return, the Blackened caregiver had more time and energy, and was engaging the family in adventures and conversations more and more each day. The great thing is, if the caregiver got scared or threatened the family could just reassure them and call them out on their agitation. They would literally say, “no need for that because we have checked all the boxes. We know because we were involved.” That freed the caregiver up and they were all on their way again together to experience the next adventure.

So, if you are Blackened, I’ll be blunt. Be abrupt!!!! Not the unhealthy abrupt that we are all too accustomed to. The healthy version that encourages healthy change and just gets us moving in the right direction. It is literally like physically lifting us up off a bad road that can destroy us (and doing it quick before we can hurt ourselves more), and in your casual, organic, real way, setting us on the better path or trajectory that helps us when we are overwhelmed.

As for you, do the same for yourself. Be your own best friend and offer yourself that rapprochement. You know what it is that you need because the Blackened is one of the most direct designs. The design that likes to deal with the truth., So the key to that is when you are overwhelmed pick yourself up and put yourself back on the right path or trajectory. Race to the correct principle or solution. You have the grit and the strength to do it. Find what is broken, find solutions, fix it, and get ‘r done like no one else can. You will find yourself bonding and interacting naturally in healthier ways because you come from a secure and authentic place. Live well, love honestly, hit life hard. Be who you are and find relief in the ways that will truly offer it and do the same for others.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We Are Overwhelmed? Part 3

Posted on September 25, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

One thing to consider when learning about the rapprochement model is how a person gets overwhelmed. One temperament that is known for lending itself to being overwhelmed is that of sensitivity. To the degree that we are sensitive is the degree, or how frequently, we have potential to get overwhelmed. An example might be two small grandchildren visiting their grandpa. One child is joining their grandfather cheering on a sports event, being loud and is not affected by the noise and commotion. The other might be experiencing the opposite: feeling overwhelmed with the commotion, noise and chaos, and finds the surroundings unsettling. Both children are in the same environment at the exact same time, yet they are experiencing it completely different. In that setting, the child that is feeling overwhelmed is the one in need of rapprochement (or relief) in that moment.

As humans we are sometimes quick to criticize the child that needs relief when compared to the other child in the same situation that doesn’t. This would be a rapprochement foul because it is the situation that is driving the need for relief, not just the child. To prove this point, if you were to flip the activity or environment with these same grandchildren to something that would require a little more sensitivity as a skill, such as navigating a detailed story or staying with a detailed task, the sensitive child will thrive and the other one might get overwhelmed.

It is at the very point that the child is displaying signs or cues that they are overwhelmed that they are in need of healthy rapprochement from a strong, able caretaker that can securely hold their distress and follow them in a conversation to unravel the layers of what is causing them to be overwhelmed. It is a time when we literally need to see it through the child’s eyes and then (with their help) find an integrated declaration and a strong and secure solution for the dynamic. While we are doing this, we are lacing the conversation with encouragement.

As adults, we can fall into this trap when trying to support each other since there is not a child to parent dynamic when trying to comfort each other when feeling overwhelmed. We are in an adult to adult dynamic and the critical piece is that we share equal and mutual power. In some cases, when the other adult in the conversation is displaying sensitivity, we mistakenly read that as infantile and playing the role of a child, and then we take the more dominating position of the adult. It is most often done subconsciously, but nevertheless it leads to more distress on both parts and rapprochement or relief is thrown out the window. So as we interact with adults, we need to remember to continue treating that person as an equal while dealing with the situation.

This month we are focusing on what the rapprochement needs are in each design. Today let’s talk about the Grayed design.

What tends to overwhelm a Grayed person, and how do they find relief?

A Grayed person has a high amount of sensitivity. It is an advanced sensitivity, and when used in a healthy way it is what allows the Grayed person to feel intuitively through situations and pick up on dynamics and emotions that the rest of us might miss. Additionally, once they pick up on those details, they also have an advanced ability to make connections to the contingencies of what’s going on around them. Simply put, they can take the information and carefully connect the dots. This is due to the fact that they will take the time to process what might be, can be, or ought to be for any given situation or conversation.

A Grayed person can get overwhelmed when they are not given the time or the space to process through the aftermath of this advanced intuition. This hit to them can be experienced when they feel criticized or mocked because of the need to think it through. They are conservative, but they have the ability to tolerate extreme situations as long as they can run it through internally first to connect the dots and come up with safe solutions before they run into the drama.

Here is an example:

Let’s go back to the sensitive grandchild in the sports event scenario. If he were allowed to process the details first, he could tolerate the chaos and loud noise just like the other child. If he had advanced warning and could take a little time beforehand to process the event, it would sound INSIDE his mind something like this…

“Okay when we get there, grandpa will have the sports event on. It will be a party so everyone will likely be jumping and cheering. It will be loud. Sometimes the adults get more excited than they usually do in everyday life so they will react differently. Louder. They tend to jump around, so I could get knocked a little. It is all done in fun. I want to have fun with them so I think I will start out by sitting to the side and cheering with them.”

If you want to match their enthusiasm, honor their sensitivity, and bask in the details as they do. If you have an event that you are giving them the details of, tell them the details that you might experience in that setting as well. Listen to their processing and encourage them to bring you along in their thinking, then validate it. Every time I do this with someone that is Grayed, I learn more than they do. They think of things that would never cross my mind. They are thorough, and they help me clean up the things that I miss.

Feeding them details is a great way to support them. If you want to support them when they are overwhelmed, help them unpack the details and organize them into categories that are either solution focused or “things I’m just afraid of”. This sorting helps them keep going and not give up or avoid. They are so good at the details that they can give the same amount of attention to all of them, so helping them get back on track to processing in an inspiring way can feel like a lift. They do not do well with confrontation, so keeping everything on a neutral conversation or collaboration at all times is a great way to support them. Just always be collaborating and bringing each other along. Abrupt starts and stops are very hard on them, so ease them into interactions by picking up where you left off. They see that as compassion and is part of that advanced sensitivity.

Here is another example. In a family that visits Human Art from time to time, one of the daughters is very Grayed and has that advanced sensitivity. The rest of the family is very concrete in their thinking, so they move in a real, logical way to get things done. They find themselves often deeming the Grayed daughter or sister as the “weak one” because she does not move as boldly through life as they do. In one situation, they were in a great amount of stress because the Grayed daughter/sister was not working with them in their daily chores like the others were. They complained that she spent the majority of the time in her room and bathroom with the door locked and wouldn’t participate with the others in daily chores. They expressed their frustration that she would finally come out late, when all of them were done interacting with each other and ready for bed. These accusations frustrated and confused the Grayed daughter and led to her pulling away emotionally from the rest of the family.

When we slowed things down and followed her, we found out that she was in her room so she could take the time to do her chores well so the rest of the family would benefit. When we asked the rest of the family what her chores were, they replied that she was responsible for the upkeep of her room and the bathroom. When we asked the family how well she does those jobs, they went into great detail about how amazing and meticulous those jobs are done, consistently. They even described how she cleans and organizes the drawers and cupboards. One sibling talked about how she would often pack a suitcase when they would go on trips and expressed that it was beautiful to see how organized and prepared the suitcase was. It was done days, sometimes weeks, in advance.

In this situation, the family was missing the Grayed sensitivity and attention to detail. They discovered that they focused more on the fact that she did not come out of her room, and less on the detail of the job she was doing. When they began to help her feel validated, they later explained that she spent more and more time outside of her room and with them because they understood and validated her.

If you are Grayed or have high amounts of the Grayed design in your personality, get in the detailed habit of providing your own rapprochement, and do it in meticulous ways. Ask the questions that need to be asked. Elicit the information or details that are not given to you. Process in that calm way that is the hallmark of your design. Use that advanced and beautiful intuition that we all depend on in healthy ways. Process more, worry less. Get fear out and start connecting all of those beautiful contingencies that life has to offer. Love deep, talk to us more, teach us how to see the world from your strengths, and don’t shut down just because others don’t understand your process.

And always remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook