Tag: authenticity

“Once Upon a Time”: How To Prosper In Your Design

Posted on July 1, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

If you are a Human, Please, Please Read!

How many stories have we read or watched play out on the movie screen where there is always the same dynamic—whether it be Cinderella, the Huntsman, the Avengers (any of them) or just a good story about people overcoming challenges in relationships or other trials—it seems to play out time after time. That dynamic I am speaking of is what I like to refer to as the “Once Upon a Time dynamic.” It is a story line, projection, description, or narrative that has been placed on the main character.

For example, take the story of Cinderella. In the beginning, Cinderella desires to be wanted, loved, and accepted in a relationship and a family. The stepmother convinces her that she is not any of those. At the same time, the stepmother goes to great lengths to show Cinderella that she, the stepmom, is. She boasts about how wanted she is, she tells how admired she and her daughters are. She implies in conversations how anyone would be lucky to win their hand in marriage. She puts herself and her daughters in a higher position as a family in an attempt to leave Cinderella out. This is all done to elevate herself in the things that she knows are important to Cinderella’s authenticity.

When you look at any of these types of stories, the problem in the beginning of the story is that the main character believes in these types of narratives. They literally think it is true about that they cannot or do not possess these qualities or things they desire, and often they believe it so wholeheartedly that they think they cannot escape from their circumstances. They have bought into the deceit that this is as good as it gets for someone like them. Many times in the movies there is a voice of a narrator laying out these unhealthy dynamics to beautiful music in the background with some calming sounds like birds singing, or ocean waves gently crashing, or a beautiful song playing to illustrate the minimization of the narrative and down-playing how dangerous it is in the characters mind. A story line of how the main character has just casually accepted their circumstances and in some cases has signed off on the unhealthy description of who they are and seem totally accepting of their fate. Right behind that dynamic is a controlling character that is more than happy to keep running the lines of this narrative. Wow, gives new meaning to “once upon a time.”

As helpful as this “Once Upon a Time,” stage setting is in a movie or a good story (it really helps sell the story), this dynamic is not helpful when it plays out in real life. When we as humans are trying to find our own happy endings and success in life—whether it be in business, in relationships, or projects—it is harmful because it can stop us from getting what we want out of life. Let’s keep this narrative in fairy tales where it is effective, and switch that around in real life to ensure that we start our personal story off on the right foot.

When trying to find success in any avenue of life, the goal would be to make sure we prosper in our hopes and dreams. That we purposefully plant feelings of success, accomplishment, and efficacy and feel them as we go; feel them LIVE and in the moment, in whatever process we are going through. It will help us in all endeavors of experiencing and growing in life.

There are three important concepts that we need to be familiar with in finding this kind of success so we don’t start off in the old and tired version of a “Once Upon a Time dynamic.”

Projective Identification
Dependency
Authenticity

It is the same whether we are Saturated, Whitened, Grayed, or Blackened; we all need to be aware of these three concepts and be present to make sure we are navigating these dynamics in healthy ways.

Let’s start with Projective Identification. This is an unhealthy dynamic often used by the controlling characters in our life story. This is used to coerce you into finding success in their way instead of your own. It is an agenda and they want what they want. They take a trait or value that is important to you and your authenticity and tell you that you are not that. They make you believe that they themselves actually possess that and that you need to be more like them in order to have it yourself. They are dangerous to our hopes and dreams because they don’t want us to succeed in our story they just want us to be a pawn or a character in their story. This is sometimes done on purpose but not always; sometimes people do this because they are driven by insecurity or fear and that is their best way of getting what they need and want. Make sure to have compassion for their injury and be careful not to judge…just don’t audition for their movie.

Here is an example:
We have a client who is so caring. They value this and it is a priority in relationships. It is just who this person is. It is what they see and believe about themselves, and there is plenty of evidence in their close relationships and how they interact with others to support this.

Here is the projection or narrative. They have a controlling person in their life that they care about. When this person doesn’t get what they want they simply accuse our client of not caring. They are sure to also slip in an additional narrative of how caring they themselves are and fact stack to drive it home more. So our client subconsciously starts getting busy to prove how caring they really are. In their mind they think something like, “oh silly me I haven’t properly shown just how caring I really am so I better get busy and care more and show it more.” I call this “get hopping.” Over and over this happened, until the client got to a place where they felt defeated and hopeless and really started believing that they did not care enough to be in that relationship.

THE ANSWER: We need to remember that the only opinion of yourself that is important in your “once upon a time” is your own!

The second concept we need to understanding is Dependency.

Here is where it gets complex. Please keep reading. In the old unhealthy version of your “once upon a time” you have now bought into the narrative that the controlling character has carefully scripted for you. Consequently, now in that unhealthy swirl, you add the part where you need them (because they have convinced you they are the good guy in this story, and they possess all those traits that you value). You need them to deem you OK. They have by now convinced you that they are the benevolent character in the traits that you value so much, so naturally it seems reasonable that they are the ones in a position to deem you have that same trait. If you could only just hit the mark—their mark.

That is where dominance comes in. They now dominate and own your character in this story because you desperately need them and depend on them and their opinion of you to be OK. The problem is, you are never going to hit that mark because again you are not playing into your story line, your hopes and dream, you are there for theirs. You now don’t even own the rights to this script. You are now an extra and you are so desperately happy to be one because you are just dying (as we naturally all want validation) to be restored back to that person that you know you are somewhere in there and want to be. You are dependent on them and you now need them to survive.

THE ANSWER: Stop looking externally for your worth (that means you are comparing yourself to someone else). If you do look externally for your worth I promise you will fail 100 percent of the time.

The third concept is Authenticity.

The new “once upon a time” is when you obtain your “Happily Ever After” through your authenticity. It literally is the path. Each step is taken leaving the footprints of who you are and what you value behind for others to see and possibly follow. The compass you will need to guide you on your path is your struggles, your trials, your challenges, and how you learn to navigate them. They are your compass because they tell you where you need to go next. You just run toward them and you stay north. You keep going, you learn what it is that you need to learn, and you overcome in a way only you can.

When other people follow you in your journey they will feel all of the authentic and legitimate power that your imprint leaves behind because it is a truth, truth about your journey. A truth about you. IT IS A TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU ARE MADE AND WHAT YOUR CHALLENGES AND STRENGTHS ARE. IT IS HOW YOU WERE SENT TO THIS WORLD. IT IS YOUR OWN AUTHENTIC, UNIQUE WAY OF BEING HUMAN. It is an actual energy or blueprint that only you can leave. It is your organic script and it has twists and turns that are there to be discovered and evaluated by no one else but you. You are then in a position of experience to share and serve. This all happens after you draw conclusions in your journey. It is full of values, limits, and preferences and part of it is discovering new ones along the way.

I have done thousands and thousands of personality profiles over my career and I can tell you no two people are alike. I can say with confidence that every Human is unique and each bone in their body or tone of their voice or the way they walk or think is for a reason and has the ability to affect another for good. In my experience and my opinion, we all have a purpose of our own.

It seems like every couple of days at Human Art someone asks us what is going on with our world and relating to each other. They ask our opinion on what is the problem. I don’t know what the main problem is, but I do know that I see this “Once Upon a Time” dynamic all the time. In unhealthy people, and even in good people sometimes. When I see it in myself I move fast to correct it. I think to some degree we all play the role of the villain to someone, and but if we all get really familiar with this “once upon a time” dynamic I really believe we can turn things around and fix at least some of these concepts that everyone of us is feeling some consequences of. I believe in the human dynamic, I believe, that we want to prosper. I don’t know what we have lost along the way, but I know we can find it again. I know deep down we all love, hope, and have dreams.

I think people are good and I believe in them, because I believe in my heart that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

**In the next few weeks we will be talking about what unhealthy and healthy once upon a time dynamics look like for each design and how to navigate them.

“Who Are You…Really?” Getting ME Back

Posted on June 25, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

There are many strategies that we as humans use to try and determine whether we can trust someone or not. One of the most common that I have heard about is deciding if people are kind and consistent. Another great way to determine if you can trust someone is if they are authentic. If they are not, it doesn’t always mean they have ill will intended for you, it could just mean they are insecure. Regardless of the reason, it is just a good way to know whether or not you can trust someone, especially with your own vulnerabilities.

If someone is not authentic and is trying to project a self that is not really them, it can mean that they don’t even trust themselves. If this is the case, they might not be a great candidate for someone to confide in or draw close to you. A manufactured self cannot generate anything because they are not a real self, just a projected version of who that person wants you to believe they are.

If you find yourself in a place where you are the one projecting something that you are not, it might be time to ask yourself, “who am I?” and start the process of getting your true self back.

We all seem to experience trials to some degree and, as we have discussed in the past few weeks, that puts us in a position to lose a little or a lot of who we really are. It is at this point we need to do an about face and run right back to who we really are authentically.

*Photo Source: Pexels (text added by Human Art)*

The first step to that is take a trip down memory lane and think about those things that were important to you when you were very young. Children usually don’t have an agenda to impress, they just seem to love to explore, and it seems natural to them to be curious. If you look back to when you were young you will find clues about how you were made, your design, and personality, and what you were beginning to value.

Second, think of your hopes and dreams. What are the things that bring meaning to you and your life? Spend time focusing on and discussing these with safe people around you. It will keep the focus on those things and can create a passion to see them out.

Third, assess regrets. Ask yourself what you regret not doing and, if it is healthy, make a plan to do it or have a do over. Find a way in your situation to slowly incorporate changes in some way to eliminate regret and move forward.

Lastly, remember that your design is unique and you are made completely different than anyone else. However, each design has a few different regrets in common, so it might be a helpful start to evaluate where you want to begin your journey in getting back to who you are authentically.

SATURATED
They love order, so any regrets usually have to do with not having the discipline to create the order around them that they need. They also love appropriateness or dignity so anytime they step off that kind of integrity, it eats at them. If that is the case, it is a good idea to have the healthy conversations needed to set the record straight as to what is really important to them and what they value.

WHITENED
They love enrolling, so when they have had situations where they have left someone out it eats at them. If this is the case, to make it right they either need to go back and make that person feel a part of things or, if that is not possible or unhealthy, just learn from it and correct that dynamic in future interactions. Make sure that same mistake is not repeated. Whitened people also love change, so if you find yourself relating to this and you are not creating the spontaneity in your life that leads to healthy growth, create it. Don’t wait for others to do it, you do it for yourself and enjoy all those that are willing to experience it with you.

GRAYED
They value tradition and thread relationships, so when a tradition gets cut off or a thread relationship in your life has been cut off, this can eat at them. If this is the case, bring back those old important traditions and create them again in a way that is meaningful to you. It might not be exactly the same and with the exact same people, but find components of the tradition that are fulfilling and bring them into the start of a new tradition, be the guard of it, and make sure it happens from now on. Take ownership of it. If relationships have been cut off and they are good healthy relationships, reach out. It doesn’t have to be much. Just a, “hello how are you?” to start that connection again.

BLACKENED
They value tasks and being able to fix it. If they have regrets it usually has to do with not mending or fixing something. If it is healthy and good for everyone around, then take the time to go back and fix what you missed. If it is not healthy, change the expectation of the fix and create a new compartment int your brain for “fixing is not fixing.” It is being able to label it “let it go” or not worth it.” Don’t save unhealthy things as something to fix or check off, just re-label them as not fixable and then you can move on. Take it off the list of things to fix.

These might not be representative of the whole journey of getting your authentic self back, but they are a great place to start evaluating what needs to happen in order to get your authenticity back or make it stronger. You are worth it, and it is a matter of telling those around you that they can trust you because you are honest about who you are.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Getting Our Authentic Self Back After Trauma – The Grayed and Blackened Designs

Posted on June 18, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We talked last week about how trauma, big or small, can take away our authenticity. It is in those small traumas that occur over time that we are at risk of forgetting who we are and losing our sense of self and self-love. It leads us to give up a little confidence in our self each time we experience self-doubt because of a trauma. Remember, a trauma is anything life changing or that changes life as it was. Someone treating you harshly or really inflicting pain in any way can be considered traumatic and has potential to hit our authenticity. As a personality profiler, it is important to me that if you have experienced this on any level, run as fast as you can back to you authentic self.

When I am picking colors for any project, I consider which ones I will use based on what communication is needed. Last week I talked about how the Saturated and Whitened colors both need to shine; this week let’s talk about Grayed and Blackened.

If the colors selected are Grayed or Blackened, one component that needs to be present, no matter what color it is, is that both these designs relate better to the communication if they are matte. It is common in both designs that the communication is a little more understated. They like things more organic.

It is the same when these types of people are relating to others. Part of experiencing trauma is so much light and attention is shining on the person in a trauma, and just that fact alone can be even more traumatic. When someone in this design gets criticized for wanting to navigate the consequences of the experience in a more understated way, it can lead to extreme behavior in an attempt to protect themselves and get out of the spotlight. This can become a safety strategy over time.

Getting your authenticity back after a trauma
We had a client that experienced this. This client was desperate to find employment but had been treated harshly in past employment. The effects on this client were pretty damaging and in an attempt to keep it in a quiet place they just quietly and without any disruption left and looked for another job. The problem is that part of the criticism from the former boss led them to not trust anyone. In the interviews for each job, the minute the interviewer would ask questions about how they put themselves out there it created fear in our client. In an attempt to combat that fear, they would shut down and malfunction. Needless to say, the job hunting wasn’t going well for a while.

It is important to remember that the Grayed loves things matte and organic but in a refined way. Things that are understated but have been put through a process to make them even more desirable and legitimate. It is the same with the Grayed person. They love to be conservative but in their authenticity it still should be processed and analyzed in calm ways to make things more desirable. More desirable results equals more desirable conversations. The depth of things is where the Grayed design does its best work. Getting in and looking at all contingencies. That is the way back to authenticity.

It is also important to remember that the Blackened design loves thing matte and organic but in an earthy way. Just the way it is and was created. It is what it is. So the understated nature of the Blackened is the “no fuss” part of being in a conversation, or a dynamic, almost always as part of a task. That is the way back to the Blackened authenticity.

Being understated, conservative, or matte is so beautiful, and is a great way to navigate your way back from trauma. Find those things around you that make you feel safe in this form of authenticity. The road back to that place is filled with a collection of understated quiet conversations, calm interactions, and natural and organic experiences. To get there, find someone or something that will fulfill those needs. If they don’t relate to that design its ok, just find someone who will support it and celebrate it. Engage and put effort into things. It’s okay to pace it. Be matte and go deep into things. It is a beautiful way to find the romance and creation of your life.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Getting Our Sense of Self Back – The Saturated and Whitened Shine

Posted on June 11, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As we go through our life in the day to day activities and tasks, we can experience trauma at any time. It can be quite dramatic sometimes, but for the most part we all experience trauma on the lighter end of the spectrum in our day to day routine. For this reason, we don’t always recognize it, and we also don’t recognize that that is what leads to a slight drop in sense of self. Little by little these hits can add up and create a crisis in our sense of self, who we really are, and our self-love.

We had a woman at Human Art experience this dynamic. She grew up in a family who loved her and met her physical needs quite well. Emotionally however, there was a family script that went back for generations that was full of rules and led to a great amount of perfection and harshness. It’s just all her family knew, and they were doing the best that they could. They managed to get through her upbringing, but she noticed as an adult she struggled with relationships and bonding. It led her to reach out and ask us for help. She realized that over time she had lost who she was and what her authenticity even looked like. We educated her on the fact that this was an example of one of these “small” traumas that had the potential to take her away from who she really was. Every time someone treated her with any level of perceived harshness it put her in a place of fear and she would flip into survival mode. Not a great place to try and relate or bond with people.

Many of us find ourselves in a similar situation, no matter the underlying reason, where we have lost our authentic self and let fear rule. So let’s talk about how we use our personality or authenticity (however much we have of it at any given time) to get our sense of self back. It is important to use the traits that are in our design to find our way back to who we really are so we can relate to others and bond with them in that authentic way.

The Saturated and Whitened Authenticity

One thing that the Saturated and Whitened designs have in common is, when we look at the colors that they both relate to, no matter what the color is it is always better when it has a shine added to it. Both designs relate to it. When it comes to interacting and relating with others, it is the very same. Both of these designs like to shine.

A Saturated person wants to shine through quality. If they are assigned to any task or project they themselves don’t want to have the attention on themselves, they want the quality of what they are engaged in to shine. It is a communication of sorts, to let people know that it is credible.

The Whitened design likes to shine in the fact that they are enrolling others. They love to draw attention to anything that will show something is enrolling or fun to bring people together.

In either design, they love to shine. When trauma happens, no matter how small, it takes them out of their ability to shine, and just the fact that someone or something is dulling them down can be traumatic for their sense of self and self-love.

The road back for these two designs is to continue, or maybe even try again, to shine. Whether it be in small or big ways, it is important to start. You could shine in a conversation or a small task, you could shine in a talent or a project. Just shine. It will jump start you back to your authenticity and a sense of self in the way that you relate to it.

This week encourage anyone that has Whitened or Saturated designs to shine. Whether it be yourself or someone you know, it is the week of those who love to shine. It will be helpful to all.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

When it Doesn’t Come Naturally – Find the Charm of YOUR Design

Posted on October 8, 2018May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

In our design or our authenticity there are things that we are naturally good at and things in each design that might not be our strongest trait.

There are things in each design that come so natural to us that we actually enjoy doing them.

A Saturated person might actually love to organize an event or project because they love to sequence things and are really good at it; it’s exciting to them.
A Whitened person could love to volunteer because that usually means people are involved and their focus is not on the burden of the task, it just feels like a party.
A Grayed person loves to balance their checkbook or correct a paper because it is combing through the details of them and they can find endless enjoyment in that.
A Blackened person can jump into any physical task or join in on one with someone else to make the load lighter. Because of the “fix it” mentality that they have it is more fulfilling than just talking about what to do.

Because they are so naturally good at it, people in those designs can find a great deal of joy in it. It also comes so natural to them they could practically do these things in their sleep.

In contrast, there are things in each design that are the opposite. They sometimes are absent from the design or could be labeled as things that are not enjoyable to do. Each design has traits or characteristics that naturally are strengths but other traits and strengths that just don’t seem to be included. This has, in the past, created some potential for a little bit of confusion. Let me explain.

When someone I am talking with at Human Art is confused, it sometimes has to do with being accountable for what we are NOT as natural at in our personality or design. Some might interpret what I said above as declaring that if a trait is not included in a design then one is free from being responsible for that trait. Sometimes we are a little tempted to think or even say, “it’s not in my design therefore I am forever released from having to do that, or be accountable for that.”

For example, a Grayed client we were working with was very concerned with some dynamics in their family. They felt hopeless in ever overcoming some contention that existed between them and a few of the members of their family. We explained that when a person has a high amount of Grayed in their design, they usually don’t like confrontation. When this client heard that they sighed in relief. “I’m so excited, I’ll just have everyone else do it.”

As tempting as that might be, as it is definitely is the path of least resistance, it is not showing up and being accountable. More importantly, it is robbing that person of the opportunity to use the brilliance of the Grayed design. Yes, it was important that this person learned a Grayed person does not enjoy confrontation and they cease to thrive in that environment, but they are brilliant in an environment of connecting the contingencies. They have this ability to see and connect things we might not have ever considered. It is usually done in a weaving conversation that feels like a calming consideration of all that is involved. It is the charm of the Grayed design.

We explained to our client that yes it was necessary to confront the situation or dynamic but not the person. It was not a dreaded obstacle or barrier but an opportunity to shine. Once the client realized that all of the tools they needed to move forward were right there front and center in their authenticity or their design, it was amazing to see their resolve.

Every design has something similar that they avoid or don’t like to do. Realizing that they are accountable for doing it, but also doing it in a way that showcases the brilliance of their design, they can conquer it. If we all accepted that in the same way that I know it is true we will all be capable of conquering the world. Even better, we can accept our own responsibility and do it in a way that brings enormous amounts of joy and a feeling of efficacy. I have seen it time and time again.

So list those things that are not the hallmark of your design, or that you don’t like, and dig deep to find the charm of your design then use it to approach those things. It will serve you every time!

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook