Tag: relationships

The How and When of Reconnecting in a Pandemic–By Design

Posted on July 20, 2020May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We have been in the middle of a pandemic for several months now, and whether large or small, it has caused some change for all of us. One of the biggest changes has been in our ability and opportunity to connect with others. As things begin to slowly re-open around the country and world, we need to talk about how we can reconnect with others in a meaningful way. Now when it comes to the “when” in reconnecting in a pandemic, I will leave those answers to the experts who know best; but the “how” I am definitely comfortable taking a shot at!

Reconnecting during these challenging times is important because we have all, at some level, been forced to change the way or the amount of connecting with others from the way we used to do it several months ago. Our old normal is seemingly something of the past. We are left in a space to try to figure out the best ways to connect with those who are important to us, and those who are essential to our day to day care.

My best advice is to take into consideration the thought process of someone you are thinking about reconnecting to and move forward respecting those things that are important to their design. Though a lot has changed in this so called “new normal”, one thing that has stayed the same is someone’s design, and respecting the central focus of others’ designs when you reconnect is as relevant now as it has ever been.

Here are some tips:

If you are reconnecting with someone who is high in the Saturated Design, remember that their thought process is all or nothing, black and white. Because of this they might have a tendency to experience the pandemic in that same way. They will evaluate in a clear way the “all” part of all or nothing thinking first. All the threats that the pandemic brings. All the sanitation options. All the possible outcomes. For example, they will evaluate “is it dangerous/a threat or are we in the clear?” and then react accordingly. They might come across extreme, but it is really just their best way of making sure they keep “all” of those around them safe. They will take that very seriously. It is their way of serving and protecting.

When that is “all” done, they will move into the “nothing” stage and reconnect as if nothing is going to happen because they have covered “all” of their bases. To others it can look careless or uncaring but it is not, it is just a newfound confidence in their ability to reconnect to others while also keeping them safe.

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If you are reconnecting with someone who is high in the Whitened Design, keep in mind that they want to enroll you in a social way, but are also anticipating your needs at the same time. Because the thought process of the Whitened design is social and they are interested in pleasing, they will pay attention and follow your lead when it comes to reconnecting, so communicating what will make you feel safe and happy will be very helpful. They might fire a lot of questions your way in an attempt to see where you are at so they might connect in that way. Some will see the questions as an attempt to cling but it is not; it is an attempt to get the “lay of the land” to determine how to move forward in a way that meets your needs not theirs.

For example, if a Whitened person asked how you were experiencing the pandemic and you responded with, “we are doing nothing, we are staying in our basement and only having food delivered,” they would then take that info, respect your way, and have food delivered to you as a way to reconnect but at the same time please in a healthy way.

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If you are trying to reconnect with someone who is high in the Grayed Design, constantly process how hard change is on their thought process. They need the time and space to process all that is changing, and to analyze the best or optimal path to reconnecting and all that might come with that. Asking them what their thoughts are on different aspects of the pandemic is a great way to serve or reconnect with them, and then offer an ear to listen to their thoughts or analyze it with them. Leaving the interaction with encouraging words like, “give it some thought then let me know what you think,” or, “we don’t have to do anything right now but let’s definitely keep talking about it,” is a great way to serve them.

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If you are trying to reconnect with someone who is high in the Blackened Design, don’t forget that they are reasonable, but like realistic thinking. There will be some things about reconnecting that seem practical to them, and some that do not. They need it to be pragmatic to incorporate it into the reconnection process, so if they are not buying into something that makes you feel safe, just tell them in real and honest words why it is important to you. They love to protect, so if you tell them why it seems reasonable to you, they will be your biggest advocate. Too many times we just accept their first response and don’t give them the honest debate. We walk away feeling misunderstood, when in reality we just didn’t give them the information in a Blackened way so they could respond. They most likely would have.

So moving back into life, wherever you are and whatever you circumstances, when you are thinking about all that is needed to reconnect make sure you also spend a little time thinking about others and how they might be experiencing this phase as well. You need it, they need it, and we all need to stay safe.

And remember everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Healthy Collaboration by Design

Posted on February 27, 2020May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

At Human Art we like to spend time on the skill of learning how to collaborate in healthy ways. There are a handful of tools that can lead to this very thing; but having the discipline to stay in it is a little harder to navigate.

In our quick fix and instant information world (that can be a blessing and a curse), we sometimes let that discipline slip and we move to something else that will lead to immediate soothing, rather than relying on the good old-fashioned hard work of staying in a conversation with another human until we get to a healthy place with each other.

To add to the sometimes slow pace of working on healthy collaborations, each design has a different way they prefer to collaborate. In other words, what seems healthy to one person might not be preferred to the other person in a conversation. It would do us all good to slow down and take into consideration each design and what is important to their form of communications.

You will notice that if you are not paying attention to the thought process and design preference of the other person or persons that you engage with in a collaboration, the exchanges become more and more frustrating and less and less productive as the conversation goes on. If you notice some “can be’s” showing up, you will know that you have gotten off track.

Here is a simple guide to recognize if we’re off track:

⇒When talking to a predominantly Saturated person and they suddenly appear distant or aloof…you have most likely gotten off track.

⇒ When talking to a predominantly Grayed person and they suddenly appear avoidant…you have most likely gotten off track.

⇒ When talking to a predominantly Whitened person and they suddenly appear random or obnoxious… again, you’re probably off track.

⇒ When talking to a predominantly Blackened person and they suddenly appear overly sarcastic and sometimes even mocking…probably off track.

As you go through the next few weeks, make an effort to bring healthy collaborations back into your social interactions. Look for signs that the conversation could be off track and move to curiosity and deeper understanding of the person or persons you are communication with (and ideally, they are doing the same for you).

It will be worth your while—you’re worth it and so are your relationships. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

For more about the topic of working to understand the other person’s design, read our related posts below!

Put it on a Shelf: See Things from the Other Perspective
Celebrate Others: Step Out of Your Design
Listen Like You’re Watching a You Tube Video

What Does a Blackened Person Need When We Come to the Table?

Posted on November 26, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We are days away from Thanksgiving and we can all feel the buzz softly starting, as if the time to come around the table is just a few hours away. Wherever you go you can find others doing last minute preparations so that we can just get to that great day already! Before we do, we need to make sure all our tasks are taken care of and our lists are all checked off. Extra attention to our last-minute planning will lead to a more rewarding Thanksgiving day and has the possibility of creating strong and memorable moments and stories.

This Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, if we pay attention to a few “what, where, when, and how’s,” we will have a great time when we are all together. Whether the day runs smoothly or runs into chaos, this attention can determine how fond the memories might be. Making it run smoothly is determined in the tasks that we take care of ahead of time in the next few days.

Tasks are the strength of the Blackened Design so this week let’s talk about what is important to those close to us that are Blackened.

Five Things a Blackened Person is Grateful For When We Come to the Table:

Be on time. Start when you say the dinner will start.
Be resourceful with time and resources. Waste is frustrating to a Blackened person.
Create casual spaces with all the excess the holidays can bring. Have a ball game playing in another room, a relaxing game of pool or a good show that can provide a casual escape from all the intensity of holiday celebrating.
Good old dry wit or sarcasm is a great form of play for the Blackened design. When conversations feel too stuffy it makes them feel uncomfortable.
Be real with them. Honesty is key.

So mark off all the tasks on your list and then enjoy having honest conversations and building relationships that are worthy of memories. BE GRATEFUL, and remember,

everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

11.14.19 What Does a Whitened Person Need When We Come to the Table

11.19.19 What Does a Grayed Person Need When We Come to the Table

11.6.18 Thanksgiving: Who’s Coming to Dinner?

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, Part 3

Posted on August 26, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings it is important for us to find relief if we are feeling unsafe. I feel like we are instinctively driven to run to the safest place when we are overwhelmed or need any kind of reassurance or calm. If we find ourselves in a situation where we have no safe place or no person that is safe, we are in danger of then manufacturing or projecting that we are an “OK” human, or that nothing is wrong. That causes us to just step right over those vulnerable feelings; and while we are stepping we are stuffing them down at the same time.

In other words, without a place or person of safety, the only other option is to avoid the vulnerable feelings all together. If you are high in the Grayed design, you might find yourself in that situation if you cannot find safety in working out the details of your feelings or a task.

One of the major dynamics that sets up “performing to belong” in relationships or interactions between a Grayed person and someone with any of the other designs is the dynamic that a Grayed person romances life through the details. It is the details of the process that are so important to them. So, if someone challenges that or, even worse, criticizes them for taking the time on the details, it has the potential to shut them down. It is so hard for them to move through a task in a hurry and not consider each contingency. That very consideration is how they ensure that things will be done correctly and with the most efficiency to produce optimum results. If someone rushes past all that careful consideration, it tends to freeze or shut down the Grayed way of doing things. The Grayed person is left with no alternate plan because they cannot function if things are not thought through and it creates frustration. On top of all of this, a Grayed person does not like confrontation so they are left to just watch as the project, task, or conversations gets hijacked or, from their perspective, tanked. All this leaves them feeling hopeless.

This is where the Grayed design checks out and avoids all together. They are left with nothing else but to project. Project that they don’t care. Project that they are not available. Project that they can’t engage for whatever reason. So here we are, overwhelmed and wanting to run to the safest place—avoidance. That is the Grayed person’s only option in the perfection way of doing things.

If you are high in the Grayed design and you are in the “being human” way of traveling through life, then the place we will find you at any given time is engaging in the details of that journey. The Grayed person is brilliant at sitting back with a calm about them and taking in all of the contingencies of any given situation. In the healthy way of experiencing life through “being human”, the Grayed person is not as concerned with others’ judgement of whether something is good or bad, but are just content with taking in all that is going on around them and finding the richness in each experience or interaction. They are content to support their position of taking the time to understand all sides and, more importantly, where that might lead everyone, not just them. If we would all step back and listen to a healthy Grayed person evaluate a dynamic we’d discover that it is seldom done from a selfish position, it is often evaluated so that everyone benefits.

The hallmark of the Grayed person is taking the time to see the “what could be” or the “what might be” of each situation. They think each fact through to see where it will end up or where it will put us if we make that decision, so they save us a lot of problems or grief from making the wrong choice or getting a bad outcome. If we would allow them a minute or two (or three or more) they will process through any dynamic and they can evaluate the good and the bad. They can see the romance of each choice. If we can resist dismissing them because they take extra time to think things through, then we get to witness the beautiful acceptance and tolerance that they have for life. If you are Grayed and you want to stay in the “being human” lane of life, then you have to do that for yourself. Support yourself while negotiating, and at all costs stay engaged no matter what is happening because you will help us see all of life, not just limited parts of it.

If you find that you have some Grayed in your personality, go ahead and THINK, PROCESS, TAKE TIME, NEGOTIATE, BE THOROUGH, SEE THE CONTINGENCIES, PLAN, AND ALWAYS DREAM!!! Dream in a way that only the Grayed mind can. You will see the beauty and romance in life. You deserve that and you will help the rest of us see that beauty as well. We deserve that too. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, part 2

Posted on August 20, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings, if we were to sit back and evaluate what it means to either strive for perfection or to strive to be human, the answers might best be extracted by asking some questions.

1. How high is my anxiety or worry when navigating a process that has any threat of being judged by someone else?
2. Whose opinion is the most important to me?
3. Do I spend time scanning for harshness, separation, or distress in relationships or with friends?
4. Can I tell immediately what the status of a relationship is?

If you find yourself with anxiety or worry in processes, being pulled by others opinions of you, avoiding or procrastinating, all while checking the status of relationships, you might be “performing to belong” instead navigating life with a healthy attitude and acceptance that we are all human and cannot completely obtain perfection.

If you find yourself living in each moment awake and aware and experiencing each new process in life, and can support yourself and let relationships flow and grow, then you are most likely planted in the “being human” way of breezing through life. You have a good and realistic expectation of yourself and more of your time and energy is spent in evaluating and growing your authenticity, your skills, and your character.

When we spend too much time “performing to belong,” the potential for the consequences to hit in relationships is high. To a Whitened person, or someone who has a high amount of Whitened in their design, how the interaction with a person in a relationship is going is the very way they measure whether they are successful or not as a human. How their own social circles are thriving are the very needle that they use to measure their barometer of life. They are not as concerned with the outcome or quality of the task as they are invested in everyone being “OK” (whatever they deem OK to be) and enjoying the activities that are required in a task or dynamic. The healthy energy in relationships is like their life source. If a social circle or a single relationship in a Whitened person’s life has tension or is not in a good place, they can feel like a failure all the way around. They tend to think in bubbles, or circles of groups, and they can balance a rather large amount of these groups. Some of us think they add new relationships to one big group of people they know but that is not the case; they carefully keep track of each separate bubble (group) no matter how big or small. They are all separate, with all their working parts, and the Whitened has the social intelligence to manage all of them. At the same time, they are always open to adding more to their life.

Here is the problem when a Whitened person finds them self “performing to belong.” They are riddled with stress about pleasing and tend to over please or be overly compliant. The Whitened person thinks that will fix everything because the person is pleased and happy with them. But without boundaries the relationship loses respect, and then they find themselves in a relationship of always giving and never receiving. Their only option in these relationships is to keep raising the “pleaser bar” higher and higher, to the detriment of the relationship and their own self-respect.

On the other hand, if a Whitened person is living life “being human” they have that “no guile” version of humility and they love walking through life with all of their relationships, open and curious to what is happening, and how all are experiencing the moment. Good or bad, they love being there. This version is the opposite of co-dependence because it moves in front of the group—navigating, leading, and experiencing things. This Whitened leader is able to be full of life and bring that brightness out of each moment. They know how to set up healthy bonding in a true and legitimate way and their boundary is flexibility over control. This comes from an absolute refusal to let unhealthy people dominate them, while at the same time keeping a complete commitment to the emotional integrity of the relationship. They teach the importance of compliance under any correct principle of “healthy interacting” and how non-conformity to correct principles can be destructive to relationships. Lastly, they have a humility that is pure and dedicated to “being human,” and having the advanced insight to love the imperfections in life and find joy in being unconditional.

So, to whatever degree you find you have Whitened in your personality or design (we all have some), pick the “Being Human” version of it and glide through life with a commitment to strengthen the emotional integrity of each one of your important relationships. Do it with flexibility and commitment to growth and learning. Be present and observant of what those that are important to you are experiencing and be curious and supportive of them. You will strengthen your bonds with those you love. I believe humans are good, and I believe all humans want to be loved. And I know for a surety that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook