Tag: relationships

Do I Have to be a C.E.O. or Own a Business to Feel Like I Can Prosper?

Posted on by Brook Thornley

We have been focusing a lot on “attract, connect, prosper” the last little while. We talk a lot about the Attract section of organizing anything that has to do with a persons attractiveness or their authentic self. We also weave in the next phase which is Connect. It is a way to organize any content or request that has to do with relationships and connecting with others. Today, I would like to shine a light on Prosper.

Prosper is the phase that comes after the first two and the magic of this phase is when you navigate attract and connect properly then the prosperity and abundance just come naturally. It is the byproduct of knowing who you are and then connecting to others in a healthy way. What I have found in conversations is that it is sometimes misunderstood. Some think that you only apply this phase of Prosper if you are a business owner. In fact it is another question that is asked a lot…”DO I HAVE TO BE A CEO OR OWN A BUSINESS TO  FEEL LIKE I CAN PROSPER?” I will answer that question by asking a question. Is business the only category that you would like to prosper in or feel a sense of abundance?

(Photo Source: mimagephotography / 123RF Stock Photo)

It is true that we talk a lot about it at Human Art as it pertains to business. We are swamped with “Customer Service by Design” classes, team building and even have had a large interest and more than usual amount of requests in the corporate family reunion retreat. We are grateful for that, but that is just a piece of Prosper. Even in those forums we teach that if you are truly prospering in an authentic way than the abundance should manifest across the board. I, for example, am a CEO; but I am also a mom, a friend, and a member of an amazing community that I love. My success and ability to prosper would be a bit of a manufactured version of prosperity if it only showed up at work. If it is truly authentic prosperity the integrity of it, and the principles and values that I pull from my design and use in my interactions, will show up across the board. That’s how I double check. I do an inventory and see if I’m the same person everywhere. I see if what I say and do–who I am–show up in a way so authentic that what I say and what I do seem to always line up no matter what situation I am in.

To be confident that you are prospering in relationships you go to that space where we jump from the connect phase and into the prosper phase. While leaping from connect to prosper take a second to look down at the view. That is, the people you are connecting with. Do those relationships seem to have an ease of abundance and prosperity? If so then you are on your way. If they seem fragile and brittle, as if the smallest of thing can break them, then perhaps its time to go back to step one, the Attract phase, and start again. Keep cycling until you feel the Prosper.

So whether you are a business owner, mother, father, sibling, a outdoors person, a teacher, a friend, civic leader etc. that great feeling that you are prospering in your life should be the same everywhere if it is done in your design, with your authenticity, and in a way that connects with healthy relationships.

Most importantly, always remember everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook

Put it on a Shelf: See Things from the Other Perspective

Posted on by Brook Thornley

“It’s so hard to talk to someone and really try to understand their perspective without running it through the filter of my own design,” someone said to me. In fact, I have heard this several times this week from clients at Human Art. I hear it often. I think this is one of the greatest challenges when trying to collaborate with someone. Our own thought process works so well for us as individuals it is easy to think that is how others should think too.

I believe that each of us puts forth our best effort when we are trying to understand another perspective, we just too often try to take their point of view while still having one foot planted firmly in our own way of thinking. It tends to feel like quite an emotional tug. It’s as if we are saying, “I really want to see your view but I’m still looking through my lens.”

(Photo Source: photoauris / 123RF Stock Photo)

The best way to collaborate is to completely put your view on the shelf while you are trying to see someone else’s view. When I say put your view on the shelf, I mean completely; with all of your opinions, emotions and the type of thinking that you do with your design. For example, if you are Saturated and you are talking to someone really Grayed. Try and think of it as if you were that Grayed person. As if you were very detail-oriented instead if your usual focus of being precise. It’s role playing at its best.

I remember when I was younger learning how to do personality profiles. I would concentrate on literally putting my design aside as if I was putting it on a shelf for later, and imagining the experience form the other person’s design. It didn’t come easily at first, I had to practice this; but with time it just became automatic.

What if we all practiced this? With our families, with people at work, in our communities. How many times a week do you find yourself saying, “What were they thinking?” Well how about going one step further and answering that. Answering from their point of view or design, not our own.

So I declare it (with absolutely no authority to do so, just one single human) National “Put it on a Shelf Week!!!”  Try it for 7 days. Notice how relationships start to change. Use your discovery and curiosity. Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Celebrate Others: Step Out of Your Design

Posted on by Brook Thornley

When Rod asked me to marry him years ago I was so excited. I remember the day well. We had a conversation that night and I told him I would marry him as long as he understood that our designs were completely opposite (he is Blackened and Grayed and I am Saturated-Whitened.). Because we were on opposite ends of the spectrum, we would never draw the same conclusion on anything. We would always have to both give a little and come to a third conclusion that we could both agree on (we got married so obviously we were both fine with that).

It is amazing how true it has turned out to be. Needing to find that third solution really has been the case over the years. One of the important aspects of that scenario and making it work is celebrating each other’s designs. I mean truly celebrating each other’s designs.

In order to truly celebrate you have to completely step out of your own design. Think for a moment about when two friends go shopping together. One picks out a shirt and says “look how cute this is!” The other one thinks to herself “not for me,” and then proceeds to hold up the one she picked out and says, “Look, this one is so much cuter!” Couples often go shopping together. Don’t do it! The woman often picks out the suit that is her design and the man picks out the dress he would look amazing in if he were a woman—which is not necessarily what the other person would choose for themselves.

When we are interacting with anyone but ourselves, they are simply not like us; they have a different makeup. The key is to take yourself and your ways of thinking completely out of the picture; put them on a shelf for a minute. Then start using curiosity and discovery to celebrate and truly understand the person you are with. It is really like being an investigator.

Each week we discuss relationships with different people. Some spouses, some siblings, some friends, and even co-workers. At the end of the day, it is usually clear that one of the barriers in these relationships is not celebrating each other. If you want to be healthy and want to interact with others in a way that is healthy it is very important to truly be present. Believe their emotions; don’t correct them based on your design and how you think. If someone is willing to be vulnerable and open up to you it’s a gift. Listen to how it looks to them and then find truth in it. Even in scenarios that are or feel irrational there is most often a shred of truth in them. Put your design on the shelf for a moment and try to see it from their side.

We are all so different but, just like Rod and I have had to do over the years, find the other person’s perspective, understand it, and then celebrate it. Make them feel amazing for how they are and how they think. You will be surprised how fast they begin to overlap and start doing the same for you. It is truly important to celebrate others because, remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

When Opposites Attract

Posted on by Brook Thornley

Opposite colors on the color wheel when set side by side have the ability to enhance each other. For example, the colors blue and orange. The blue appears more blue when placed next to orange, and vice versa. So if I were designing a table setting and I wanted to enhance the fact that the table was orange I would simply put its opposite, blue, as a centerpiece and now the orange appears really orange next to the blue or vice versa.

It is the same in relationships. Let’s say blue and orange were people. They got together and formed a relationship. Blue was really attracted to orange because of the traits orange possesses. Orange is vibrant, alive and social. It holds all the attributes that blue does not, so naturally blue is drawn to orange and seeks it out. Blue on the other hand holds all the characteristics that orange does not. It is intangible and serene. It is calm and has the ability to depress any situation (in design the word depress means to defuse or soften or take it down a notch when something is unbearable and make it bearable again). It is sedate and secure. So naturally orange would be very drawn to blue and seek it out.

Using the fact that opposite colors attract in design is so often helpful and doesn’t have many challenges but when it comes to relationships it is a different story. The potential problem lies in the fact that we are very drawn to our opposite design in any relationship, but when we get close as humans it is in our nature to then, in some way, deem them ours. We use phrases like my friend or my husband or my sibling. Once we have deemed them ours we start the process of turning them into us; as though they are a reflection of ourselves.

Do you know what happens in design when blue tries to take over orange and change it into blue or vice versa? They cancel each other out. You are left with a flat, dull, neutral color. Great color still but all of the passion and excitement is gone. The same thing happens in relationships.

Take Rod and myself. When I met him the first thing I noticed was his attractiveness. He was strong and mysterious. Now 26 years into a marriage I have the potential (if I were to compare him to myself) to accuse him of being stubborn and withdrawn. They are the same traits as strong and mysterious but compared to my design I just view them completely different now, yet nothing has changed with him.  He saw me at first as alive and enrolling. Now 26 years later compared to him he could view me as going all the time and over-enrolling. Again, same traits but it all is in how we look at it.

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Opposite colors on the color wheel in each design.

It is so important to seek help or understanding if there is a problem in a relationship, but first step back and ask yourself if any of it is just simply in how we are looking at the differences. Remember that some of those differences are the very things that attracted you to that person in the first place s treat them with respect and understanding. If you start from the value that each trait holds it can lead to understanding of both people in a relationship.

So let orange be orange and let it strengthen us socially. Let blue be blue and let it help us be calm and creative. Let all the people in your important relationships be free to be who they are and free to enhance us to be better human beings. That insight into who they are authentically is one of the best gifts you can give someone close to you. Honor their design. Celebrate who they are. Because remember, everyone is a masterpiece!

Perseverance and Commitment: Eliminate the Scripts

Posted on by Brook Thornley

Commitment requires perseverance: doing what you agreed to regardless how you feel about it. If I say yes to something healthy I do it because I committed to it. If I say no to something destructive, I stick to it regardless how hard it is or how I feel about it.

The thing that Rod and I see so many times that trumps commitment we call “scripts.” They can so often get in the way. A script is a cluster of rules we or someone else holds us to that are not talked about, they are just formed over time. The dos and don’ts of emotional reasoning. They are often unreasonable and fear driven and can provoke strong emotion when those rules in the script are not followed. They can create perfectionism or, as we call it, “performing to belong.” Interestingly enough although the script often is not established verbally, all of the players in a relationship or family can independently recite them verbatim. They are reinforced by behavior and reaction.

Case in point. We were counseling with a couple just this morning at Human Art. They actually wanted us to blog part of the session as an example of this. They requested that we include part of their story because it was helpful in working toward resolving their script. It was causing havoc in their marriage.

Husband: Sometimes my script feels like the conditions I need to meet for acceptance or worth. If I do not follow the script exactly, I feel like a failure or I may be rejected altogether. I think sometimes I get so preoccupied with the script that nothing else matters. I kind of lose the moment or parts of myself. It’s like I lost myself somewhere along the way. Today in session, I can see that if my wife doesn’t, mirror my script, I will fight for it. Today, I can see that the script is not really what I want. I want a living, spontaneous relationship which anticipates and honors each other’s dreams and preferences.

Freeze right there. Wow. This is exactly what we are talking about. The husband identified his script and now he is choosing perseverance. But how? It’s easy to say “I choose it,” but how do we change that quickly; to just throw out the script and do what?

That’s where you go to your authentic self—your design. This time is different though, because this time you pick what you want from any of the four designs. We all have all four so no matter what our predominant design is we just simply pick the one that will work best right now.

If you choose Saturated: Be clear and competent. Like a strong leader. State what you need to yourself and others. Be clear and spot on the goal and keep it simple.

If you choose Whitened: Use your ability to enroll. Like a good friend. A Mother Teresa of sorts. Get close and anticipate needs. Serve yourself and the others around you. You cannot help but love those you serve.

If you choose Grayed: Be methodical. Like a researcher. Describe then listen. Be curious and have a need for the details and connections. Every point is important. Take time and be thorough. Go over everything and talk it out again and again (especially the listen part) until you find common ground and understanding.

If you choose Blackened: Change the compartment in your brain. Compartmentalized thinking is boxes of expectation. Don’t change the box change the meaning in the box. Strong expectations provoke strong commitment so when you change the meaning in the box you change the expectation and that changes the commitment. Just like a bulldozer. It will knock down the expected box but it can also build up a great foundation. It all depends on the orders of the contracted. Be the contractor and build the relationship you want and need and stop knocking down random boxes with the script.

We asked the husband which design he picked to jump start his commitment and the process of perseverance. He said he chose the Grayed. He really wanted to understand fully what his wife was feeling. He said it makes him feel good to open up and make room for other important details other than the script. The script felt so confining and opening up feels freeing.

Wife: My script was just to love my husband and take life as it came; script and all. I just wanted to do it together. I opened up my heart and was vulnerable to him and I guess I just feel a little foolish when he has to withhold emotions in order to accommodate the script. I understand it logically. It emotionally is uncomfortable an confusing. I feel out of control.

See the details were important. A short statement but so much information to be explored.

When we asked the wife which design she picked to jump start her commitment and the process of perseverance she said that normally she would pick the Whitened because she was predominantly Whitened but this time she wanted to pick the Blackened (What? That was a surprise but so helpful at the same time). She said she normally does not use expectations. She just goes with the flow. When she does have expectations she usually doesn’t verbalize them a lot. But she could see where stating expectations to strengthen the relationship brought order and commitment on both parts, felt healthy and left her feeling equally in control. Now she is strong to understand and free to be open but also available and committed to the healthy relationship.

I encourage you to work on getting the script out and real commitment back in the relationship. It does take perseverance. We can all appreciate this couple and their commitment and perseverance because we all can relate. We all have good healthy relationships and we all have those we need to commit more to. You can do just that.

Run back to who you are. Run now and run fast. Scripts will not serve you. They lead to perfectionism and performing to belong, which never did or never will produce closeness. So run back to your authentic self. You can change unhealthy relationships and turn them into the healthy ones you have always wanted and dreamed of. They will still be with the people you already love they just will look different—better! You can do it if you hold on to yourself. Grab one of the designs that is a part of you that you know will work. Do it now. You will find more peace, more happiness and feel free. And always remember you are important to someone. So make it count.

Everyone is a masterpiece!