value – The Original Personality Test Blog

I love hearing lectures that our in-house clinicians provide on rapprochement. The definition of rapprochement is the “establishment of or state of having cordial relations.” (Merriam-Webster.com) In psychology, rapprochement is a stage of child development as presented by Margaret Mahler, where the child is learning independence and exploration while still wanting to remain close to their caregiver. The concept within rapprochement that I key into is: when we get overwhelmed, where can we consistently find and count on relief? I appreciate looking at children and watching healthy parents follow that child. While molding them through discipline, these caretakers are carefully attending to their interests, their discovery, and their curiosity. Keeping the environment sterile so that the adult is following the child and the child’s growth and needs, and not the child following the needs of the adult or the caretaker. This creates security in the child so they consistently have a place they can go when they feel overwhelmed; they know they are safe to explore and they will (with the assistance of the strong caretaker) come out on the other end of the experience with character and a sense of what they value. It is the underpinnings of their sense of self.

Children are not the only ones who experience a need for relief when they are overwhelmed. They are not the only ones that want to be followed in their interests, discovery, and curiosity. Adults need that from time to time as well. Although we are much better at doing this for ourselves as adults, we still need those safe and secure people around us that will support us when we get overwhelmed. It is still a bonding experience when someone close to us can provide that grown up version of rapprochement. When someone notices and matches our enthusiasm for something new, we feel validated and know we are on the right track.

Whether you are talking about a child or an adult, the other important thing to consider when pondering this concept is that we all need relief in our design. We all need to be followed in our personality and the way our design experiences things. That is how we find relief. Sometimes we make the mistake of inserting our own design when we are trying to provide relief to someone else, and not stepping back to provide the support in a way that speaks to their design.

This month, we are going to talk about what rapprochement needs to be like for each of the designs. Today, let’s talk about the Saturated design.

What tends to overwhelm a Saturated person, and how do they find relief?

A Saturated person needs order. They especially need order in the things that are the most important to them—the things they value the most. Whatever they value the most is their version of quality. Because of this, they get overwhelmed when you try to get them to consider too many things at once. In their thought process they take in information and find the one quality or precise thing that they need to focus on and give the majority of their attention to that. They sequence agendas like this all the time, keeping their eye on the end result—and that result is what they deemed quality in the first place. Feeding them too many things that require equal attention confuses and overwhelms them.

If you want to match their enthusiasm, focus on that one thing that they are focused on at any given time, and give it a lot of consideration. Move with them in their sequencing and celebrate with them when they discover any new version of quality or value.

If you want to provide support when they feel overwhelmed, give them a lot of space. Sometimes just sitting quietly with them or giving them time is the best way to support them. They are introverted, so don’t think something is always wrong when they are quiet; sometimes they are just carefully considering their focus.

A Saturated child tends to experience their one most important thing through feeling it more than they can verbalize it. When others don’t understand what they need and meet them at that place, they get confused as to why others are criticizing them. It is so clear to them what they need or want, but they just are not good at verbalizing it.

For example, a small child refuses to do his work for an entire day at school. Perhaps he has had enough social or even too much stimuli. He can’t verbalize it, but he feels he needs some Saturated time with quiet and no stimuli—his nervous system might be telling him that. It appears that he is being defiant, when he really is just overwhelmed. If we can carefully follow the shut down—follow him in his thought process and unpack that—we will get to that feeling and we are in a better position to help him learn to verbalize it the next time he feels that way. He feels validated, and he has had a safe and secure environment to unpack those feelings and put words to them.

An adult can experience the exact same dynamic. The difference is, a Saturated adult does not have any problem verbalizing that they need space or a quiet time recharge. If we add any fear or threat to that equation then they can come across aloof and cutting, so then instead of being followed and their emotion being matched and understood, they get conflict that overwhelms them even more.

If you are Saturated or have high amounts of it in your personality, go through this week focusing on identifying when you feel overwhelmed. Be the caretaker that you would need if you were a child, for yourself. Create the conditions you need to thrive in healthy ways and move through life being your own best friend. Then you are in a safe and secure place to be a great rapproacher for others—constantly being kind and matching whatever emotion they are experiencing while at the same time aiding in that relief that they so need. This will create healthy bonds and that, to me as I reflect on this concept, is one of the most powerful sources of service that I can think of.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

In our last post, we introduced the topic of “self-love” and I shared 3 ways to jump start it. The steps were:

Whatever you want in your life…you must become
Find your freedom through your customized value system
Accountability is all you….. guard your perimeter

Last week we learned about step 1 (Read Part 1) Today let’s move on to the next one.

In the second verse of the song that the kids in my neighborhood would sing, it states,”Big fat juicy ones, little itty bitty ones…” It is as if even the worms had value or strong identities. They described the uniqueness of each worm and yet could not find any value in themselves. It seems like when we are down, it looks like everyone and everything has worth but us. When our sense of self or self-love is low, we get preoccupied in finding value in everything else around us that seems to punctuate our deprivation or lack of worth.

This leads us to step two, “Find Your Freedom Through Your Customized Value System.” If you find yourself suffering from low self-worth or if you are feeling inadequate, we can pinpoint one dynamic: a FALSE NARRATIVE. A false narrative can be, “you’re not good enough,” “Nobody likes you,” or “You are invisible,” or just a feeling of insecurity. The narrative is like a story line which someone projects onto you and then keeps it going by creating a culture around you which supports it.

For example, someone could deem you weak and then bring attention to it whenever they get a chance until you and others around you start to believe it. The narrative isn’t true. The problem is not with the narrative; the problem is that you believe the narrative. The narrative wraps around you or encircles you and you start to organize your life around it. Narratives are like emotional captivity. We can inherit them from authority figures or people who we just met. The narrative can be short or long.

A customized value system is the key to neutralizing any negative narrative which has been superimposed on your life. There are many different types of value systems. There are civic ones, family ones, religious ones, or business ones. What I want to focus on is your personal value system. Let me describe a little bit of what one might look like. I started building mine one value at a time. When I looked for my value, I had to find one which was attractive to me and I had to desire it. The fact that I desired it, made it a value. The first one that I desired was being nice. Nice was my value. I identified with it since I was a small girl. I love being nice and I always have. I love nice people. I like watching people be nice to each other. I am not perfectly nice all the time but it doesn’t change my value for being nice.

Now, here is the most important part. Customizing the value is critical. Being nice looks different for each of the different harmonies. For the Saturated personality, nice is keeping things calm and peaceful. For the Whitened personality, nice is matching your enthusiasm or emotion. To the Grayed personality, nice is listening and connecting and empathizing. To the Blackened personality, nice is fixing whatever hurt you.

Whatever values we choose to focus on, when we customize our values, our uniqueness emerges and shines. Just like the second verse of the worm song, if I was going to be a worm I would like to be the NICE JUICY ONE. What would you like to be?

And remember everyone and everything is a masterpiece.

-Brook

Tag: value

Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We’re Overwhelmed?

Big Fat Juicy Ones, Little Itty Bitty Ones, I’ll Just Go Eat Worms (Part Two)