Category: Self Care

“Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, I’m Going to go Eat Worms”

Posted on by Brook Thornley

“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m going to go eat worms!” It is true, some of the kids in my neighborhood when I was a little girl would sing this little song or chant often. The interesting thing is this little group of kids were the very kids that I loved and admired.

I saw a bit of this same dynamic in junior high. There was a girl that ran in the same circle of friends as me that would seek me out sometimes and tell me she really needed to talk to me. When she had my attention, she would declare with a lot of pain in her demeanor, “No one will talk to me. I don’t have one person that will listen to me. I am invisible.” That struck me so strange because I was sitting there with loads of empathy for her. I believed her. I am telling you, I could feel her pain. I could see it, but at the same time I was confused because I was sitting there listening to her. This leads me to a very important subject.

As a child we have to wait for others, especially adults, to entreat us, to listen to us, to validate us—and often times they don’t. They fall short. To those who have experienced this pain I am sorry this happened. Looking forward, as an adult, we must be aware that it is a totally different thing or dynamic in ord

er to heal. We are now responsible for healing our own wounds.

I’m cringing right now because sometime when I say this it has the possibly of coming across as a minimization of the deep-rooted pain that in some cases is very real. It might even elicit some defenses.

Don’t stop reading. My intent is exactly the opposite. If we can accept this and run in to it, it will do the opposite. It will provide relief.

The most important part of healing your own wounds is to love yourself.  This is all about your sense of self or self love. It falls in the category of your relationship with yourself, not your relationship with others. If you have no idea what your relationship with yourself looks like just examine your self talk. How you talk to yourself is an indicator of how you feel about yourself.

I want you to find a pen and write the following down somewhere, or put it on your screensaver on your phone, or where ever you will see it often.

WE CAN ONLY ACCEPT LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE FROM OTHERS TO THE LEVEL WE LOVE AND ACCEPT OURSELVES.

We are going to walk through 3 steps of jumpstarting your sense of self or your self-love or your self-esteem, however you want to put it.

The 3 Steps Are:

  1. Whatever you want in your life…you must become
  2. Find your freedom through your customized value system
  3. Accountability is all you….. guard your perimeter

I would like to focus on number one today and then we will address the other two in the following weeks.

1. Whatever you want more of in your life, you must become

For example, if you want people to seek you out then you must be the type of person that seeks out others. If you want people to talk to you, you must talk to others. If you want more kindness in your life, your priority must be being kind to others.

Too often we sit in our wound and wait for others to come fix it; yet we can’t see that they are trying but don’t hold the healing ability. You are the only one who does. Yes they can be a support system, but asking them to do it for you is called “outsourcing your healing.” It is literally like trying to hire it out. It never works; it will fail you. It is like wanting to go swimming at a public pool with the desire to enjoy the water, but driving there and sitting in your car, refusing to get out, and waiting for someone to bring the pool to you with all the fun that comes with it—the life guard, the people splashing, the sun…And when that doesn’t happen we are left disappointed in others; that they let us down and, because of their lack of thoughtfulness that they didn’t show up for us, we didn’t get to enjoy the water. I think we have all experienced a version of that in one way or another. The fallacy is that we are not looking at our responsibility to ourselves.  If we want to enjoy the water, we have to go jump in.

This week I challenge you to try being exactly what you want more of in your life. See what shows up. If you do, the healthy people who can enjoy it with you will start showing up to meet you there. That is good information. And for those who don’t or can’t show up that way; it is okay. They are learning also. Don’t judge. Who knows, maybe in your new place of showing up as the person you want to be might inspire an idea of who they want to be. Someday they might surprise you and meet you there. For now, enjoy the water and be patient with one another because everyone is a masterpiece!

-Brook

**If you want more help in discovering what you want more of in your life, become a member of the Human Art Classroom and learn more about your personal design.

Understanding a Sense of Self Injury

Posted on by Brook Thornley

A client came in to Human Art the other day and expressed that she was struggling to make some big decisions in her life. Rod, our clinician, asked her if she thought she might be experiencing a “sense of self injury”. She replied, “how could I have an injury to my sense of self if I don’t even have one?” I have been thinking a lot about that conversation. If we don’t know who we are isn’t that an injury in and of itself? Thinking about our sense of self causes us to pause and examine our authenticity. That person we were when we were born. 

I love watching toddlers because they seem to be functioning at all times in their authenticity. They could be in a diaper with their tummy sticking out, their hair could be tousled, and food or drool dripping down the front of them and you can tell in their mind they are the most amazing human ever. They don’t seem to even consider that something could remotely be wrong with them. It is brilliant. I love to watch them move around the room from toy to toy, completely free to be who they are.

Then as we grow life throws some things at us. Not all of them are positive. That is the beginnings of a “sense of self injury”. When we experience criticism or rejection for using one of our authentic traits in the best way we know how, we run the risk of rejecting that trait ourselves (because it did not serve us in that moment, so we think). In our head we seem to declare that we will never do that again. But the way we are made up in this human experience it’s like our soul will not let us be without a trait, so we create one in its place. For example if someone was being kind and others were mobbing them and making fun of them for being kind, they might reject that trait. In their head it might sound like, “well I am not going to be kind again.” They then consider a new trait to replace it. “I will be rude instead, then no one can hurt me.” That is what is referred to as a manufactured self. It is not who we truly are. As we go along in life, the more we reject who we are and try and replace it with a manufactured trait the more we run the risk of divorcing our authenticity all together. That is an egoic self.

So it boils down to asking ourselves: are we a version of our authenticity, or are we a version of a manufactured self? Spend some time on your relationship with yourself. We all have one. It manifests through our self talk. Are we striving to be authentic or are we in a constant state of projection? These are important questions to ask ourself.

Learning who we are and how we are made up becomes what we hold on to and determines what we value in life. At Human Art: The Original Personality Test, we work tirelessly to help one to find their authenticity. We teach people how to define it, to use it, to celebrate it and to love it.

Remember, at Human Art: The Original Personality Test, everyone is a masterpiece.

Combat Negativity: Become Your Own News

Posted on by Brook Thornley

Did you check the news today?

It seems as if the world has quite a bit going on. It used to be when I looked to the news for current events there was an unusually traumatic event every once in a while followed by a stream of interest stories and then your occasional good deed done by some type of hero (those are my favorite ones). More recently it seems as the traumatic events or negative interactions might be the focus of what is going on. It causes us to pause and evaluate. Is that the current state of the world? Is getting more sinister or are we surrounded with negativity? Are we just not focusing on the good deeds?

I don’t have the answer to those questions, but I do know this. I was asked once what would be the one thing that you would focus on that could combat negative and traumatic actions in human behavior. I knew my answer immediately. Like it was sitting waiting in my brain for someone to ask me this question it popped out that fast. I don’t even know if there was a pause between the question asked and my answer.

“It is self-love and self-value.”

You have to find love for yourself and value yourself before you can anyone else. The degree to which you love and value yourself is the same degree you will love and value others. For example, if you find yourself devaluing others maybe through criticism that is information about how much you value yourself or a look into how you see yourself. You probably see yourself through critical eyes and tend to be critical or use harsh self talk. If you find it hard to trust others, there is a great possibility you don’t have the self value to trust yourself. On the other hand, if you have a reasonable amount of self love and self value you might find yourself interacting with others in that same way frequently.

So how do we shine the light on these kinds of interactions in our world? We simply become our own news. The current event is your personal story. It is that story where you work to find love and value in yourself. The place wherein you are your own investigative reporter and all that you can find are good deeds, interesting current events, and acts of kindness. That type of value and self love that translates into efficacy and you soon start to see yourself showing up in your life as the hero. Yes there will be the occasional negative story but you will have so much more in your emotional tool kit to combat that negativity.

At Human Art: The Original Personality Test the story is you. You are the hero being interviewed. Work hard to find your worth and value. If you are lucky and it is intact, then work to make it stronger. I think the effects that we can have on this planet could be profound. Look to your central focus* and your correlating can-be* to strengthen your understanding of yourself. In the end those are the stories that we really care about. Never forget, everyone is a masterpiece.

 

*to learn more become a member of the Human Art Classroom and view a video all about the central focus and can-be’s of each design.

New Year: Being Responsible for Our Own Worth

Posted on by Brook Thornley

Here we are a few weeks into January 2016 and I was just assessing how I was doing on all my New Year’s goals and asking myself, “What is it that I really want to become?” What is the end game? Where are these goals and endeavors to become something better really leading me? I know I want to be authentic. I know I want to be kind. These are worthy goals but do I really know where to stop and be content with who I am.

I was sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store really pondering these things when Kat, our Projects Manager, sent the following to me, saying it reminded her of Human Art:

Maybe the journey
isn’t so much about
becoming anything
Maybe it’s about
un-becoming everything
that isn’t really you
so you can be who you
were meant to be
in the first place.
(author unknown)

As usual, her timing was impeccable. It really got me thinking that day, and even when I think of it now it rings so true. Goals are amazing and they help us on our journey, but maybe it is just as important to use them to undo the things that are not true about us. All of the things we have picked up along the way that are not who we are. Maybe it is a journey to come back instead of move away from who we are.

After working on myself to be authentic as well as working to help others be authentic, this is what I do know:

We are responsible for our own:

  1. Love
  2. Acceptance
  3. Security

We are the only ones who can truly provide that for ourselves. Others can support us on the journey, but we have to be responsible for those things in our lives. Other than divinity, there is no one (Human anyway) that can provide this for us. We cannot outsource it. If we wait for someone to provide love, acceptance, or security for us, we will be waiting a long time. I also know if we do try to outsource our worth in any way it will usually leave us feeling profoundly insecure.

We don’t need a Prince Charming to provide our worth for us

This is how it works. If we have been hurt or traumatized in any way we run the risk of giving up our power. We feel hopeless and we can find ourselves waiting for a fantasy rescue; a Prince Charming (male or female version) to come save the day and restore the worth or power we’ve lost. The problem is there are always conditions to our rescue. These are conditions or expectations that only we know and have rules for. So we desperately need our Prince Charming to be perfect in that rescue by meeting those conditions, in order to alleviate our pain. It turns into a big reenactment and we are now looking for that perfect ending so we can feel better and fix the original pain. This can be played out in a number of ways with a whole cast. The flaw in this system is when Prince Perfect Charming shows up, he tends to show up as human—not perfect—and we are left disappointed; feeling an even greater amount of hopelessness and insecurity.

When we provide acceptance, love and security for ourselves, then it doesn’t matter what happens externally because we are operating from a secure and solid base: our authentic self. In short, we are all like water; humans rise to love and accept us to the same level we love and accept ourselves.

So as we move through the rest of the year, striving to complete our goals, think first of where you started. What is your authentic nature? What is your central focus? What things might you need to “un-become” in order to be who you were meant to be? These things are dictated by you. You are the only one who truly knows the real you. The rescue has always been right in front of you because IT HAS BEEN YOU THE WHOLE TIME THAT CAN SAVE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF! Run back to who you are, run fast and run hard. Don’t stop until you find yourself. Use your goals and the support around you to aid in that marathon. Don’t look externally for your worth, it has been there all along. It is your spirit, it is your soul, it is your diving nature. You know it best. Love yourself like you want others to love you. Then forget yourself for a moment and love others because everyone is a masterpiece.

Self Esteem: Falling in Love With Our Authentic Self

Posted on by Brook Thornley

To me, self esteem is the product of a process more than it is a trait that you just obtain in one simple attempt.  Quite often people come to Human Art with the request to help them restore their self esteem and we are always excited to start that process. It makes me reflect on how much this request comes up and how often certain skills are needed and have to be learned to start that process. To be honest I think we all need a little bump in our self esteem here and there. So it would prove us wise if we would take a little time to evaluate how we are actually measuring our self esteem and who we are enlisting to evaluate our progress and our worth.

How are we measuring? We will never find self worth if we constantly look externally for our worth. When we look externally for our worth it usually comes in the form of comparing. Comparing ourselves to others or comparing our situation to others’ situations. I promise you that looking externally for your worth will fail you because you are comparing yourself to someone who is totally different from you. Someone with their own design and own version of authenticity that has nothing to do with your design and looks nothing like yours.  Yours is truly unique, like no one else’s.  So we need to look internally and start the process of finding the good in ourselves.

When we enlist ourselves to measure our growth, and base it on our authentic self, we succeed.  We are the master of our own design. We know it better than anyone else (besides God) so the trick is falling in love with ourselves and who we really are. Self esteem grows out of a sense of self and our sense of self grows out of a healthy autonomy. I emphasize GROWS. Day by day. Situation by situation. It doesn’t happen immediately or just once. It is largely defined by our efficacy—our ability to have a good result and, more importantly, a safe outcome in each situation or small interaction. The ability to engage more fully in interactions leads to our ability to affect our emotional stability.

So let’s take a Whitened client for example. Their ability to affect a situation comes from their spontaneity. It is creativity and enrolling at its best. That kind of thinking is out of the box which can lead to solutions we may not have ever considered. The thought process looks an awful lot like brilliant bubbles popping up with ideas to consider.

The other three designs think differently, so they might not understand the process and label it as careless.  They say it’s too many bubbles (ideas) and would take to many resources to carry out. “It’s unrealistic,” they might say. Because they think differently they might miss the fact that each bubble is a consideration that leads to other considerations and other ideas, which leads to a solution that was never entertained before. The point is, it still ends up being one or two solutions they just dance through a lot of bubbles to get there. Then comes the criticism. Sometimes delivered by the other person, but all too often by themselves. The Whitened person now feels like their ability to effect a good result is gone, their ability to produce a good outcome diminishes, and they are left feeling unsafe and with lowered self esteem.

Each design has their way they need to be effective and really feel efficacy.  If they cannot obtain those results it leads to self doubt and then low self esteem.  So make sure you are aware of the results that you need:

Saturated: Clarity and the ability to produce quality outcomes (whatever you might deem quality).

Whitened: Enrolling and change that is important to all the social circles in their life.

Grayed: Minding the details and the importance of them. They need the space and time to be thorough.

Blackened: To be effective you need to just get it done.  Finish what you started, get the result based on the expectation.

So don’t fall into the trap of minimizing the need to be effective in your design. Your ability get results is yours and it defines your brilliances. No one else has it in the way you do. Don’t expect them to totally understand it, just support yourself and start negotiating in a healthy way. Also understand and honor others around you by honoring their process and need to be effective.

Everyone needs self respect
Everybody needs to effect good results
Everybody deserves emotional safety
And most importantly…
Everyone is a masterpiece.