Category: Blackened

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, part 4

Posted on September 4, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When we are focused on getting our worth in the pursuit of perfection, we tend to measure how we are doing through tasks. Some measure how intense the task is to accomplish and then see their worth as a direct correlation to the intensity of that task. Others might measure their worth in the number of tasks they can accomplish in a short amount of time. Yet others can see themselves as superior because of the projection of perfection that these tasks could offer (bragging rights). More importantly, they run the risk of using others (those that do not use tasks to define themselves) as a springboard to showcase and elevate their projection of perfection—elevating themselves and criticizing others that cannot keep up with them.

In the healthy way of navigating, one see’s life’s tasks as something that keep us secure, not what defines us. The effort that we put into our tasks is the character that we build. Piece by piece, those characteristics become our value, then that value becomes our identity. The best part of this process is that you can make mistakes, in fact you will make mistakes, and it does nothing to take away from your effort. We just get up every day and try harder at being human. We do a little better each day than the day before; picking up character and identity along the way.

Tasks are a very important component of those who are high in the Blackened design. It creates meaning in their life. It is the very thing that drives them. If they plug perfection as an expectation to their tasks, it can get intense quickly. Intense for both the Blackened person and those who are around them. The expectations or rules that they put on the task is now the driving force and boy does it drive. It can be abrupt and forceful because fear is the fuel. If it looks like any imperfections might collide with their expectation, then you get strong emotion from the Blackened person and you feel a lot of force in the room. It gets people working, but not in a learning and thriving way, it’s in a pressured way. The task gets done but not as good as it could have with healthy collaboration, and it leaves the Blackened person disappointed and frustrated.

If the tasks get set up in a healthy, “being human” way of navigating life, then effort is the focus. When a Blackened person is managing that effort in a warm, real, and genuine way, then learning can’t help but be the consequence. Healthy Blackened people tend to create a casual and comfortable environment where everyone who experiences this culture is comfortable. They cannot help but put their best efforts forward. The healthy Blackened person is there with the warmth that only they have, and they use this warmth to blaze the trail for even more learning and more experiencing. If this continues day after day then everyone involved finds themselves open to adventure and thriving. That form of thriving and growth now becomes routine and creates stability. Because of that stability, adventure can be experienced at a higher level.

So, if you have Blackened in your design (we all have some), pick the” being human” way of going through life. Use tasks in a healthy way. The Blackened part of our design or personality is the “get ‘er done” part or the fixer. Move forward being human and in the moment, taking in everything that is happening around us. Don’t limit our view. Open it up and expand it. The more we take in, the more we can experience life in a healthy way. Get up every day with a commitment to fix, teach, enjoy, experience, and make each conversation or interaction with another human an adventure. You are the design that keeps it real and keeps us on track so make sure it is a healthy human kind of track. Persuade in real and casual calm ways and enjoy each and every moment. And always remember that everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Blackened Design

Posted on August 12, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We have talked a lot about what the “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic looks like and why it is important to recognize it. We have already spent a lot of time on the dynamics of it so you can become familiar with it, so I ‘m going to veer off-script a little and focus in on one component that is present in this “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic and also in the prosper and success part of it. The component I’m talking about is information—how it is used to create a dynamic and how it is used to take it back to a healthy place. The reason I am doing it in this week’s blog is because we are going to focus on the Blackened design, so it seems fitting.

Information and how it is used is an important piece of the “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic. If someone is to create a projection for you then how they get and use information determines whether they can cause a narrative to stick or not. The Blackened design is all about being real, and they have an “it is what it is” attitude; this is what leads them to be so honest about things and call it for what it is. Keeping that truth is critical if you want a healthy outcome. If you let information be used in unhealthy ways then you will get the opposite—reactivity and a lot of emotions will become involved.

Information used in an unhealthy way is what we refer to commonly as gossip. The interesting thing about gossip is it is loyal only to the unhealthy narrative. It is not loyal to the truth of things. If someone is controlling or dominating, they collect information that serves or rings true to the narrative. They will then use that information to support a projection and fact stack against the person it is directed to until the narrative seems to be true. It is done until the narrative sticks; it is designed to get you or others to believe it. It has no curiosity, the projection is designed only to support the unhealthy story line that the controller wants so they can get their way. The controlling person in the dynamic is only interested in information that supports the narrative of the person they are projecting onto so they only give approval to those who spread or serve up information that supports the narrative.

Healthy people want the truth. They are curious, so they like to look at all sides of things so they can make a healthy and integrated statement about the truth. A person who is high in Blackened values honesty, so it is important for that Blackened person to make sure it is the healthy truth and not the truth according to an unhealthy narrative that has been set in motion to control someone or an outcome. They want to make sure it will lead to prosperity for the Blackened person and those they like to protect.

What does prosper look like?

Blackened

For someone who is high in the Blackened design, to prosper is to fix. That is the bottom line to them. If something is wrong, they want a solution. The first thing they will do when they see that something is broken is want to know what happened—how did it break, or was it always this way? They don’t want to analyze the story, they just want the why, the how, and the what, in order to determine how it will lead to a solution. To a person that is Blackened this is the very way in which they protect those around them. It is how they care for people. It is like a first responder; they have to leave emotions at the door for a moment and move into a logical place so they can do the hard things that need to be done to protect. They will eventually let the emotions in, it will just be after the fix.

In the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” Dynamic, a controlling person will start a narrative for them that because they show no emotion in those times, they are cold. Because the Blackened person rejects drama in the crisis, they don’t care and are emotionally stunted. That is the hook—as the Blackened person is still moving to fix or protect, they are riddled with self-doubt and the controller in the story is a bystander happy to throw around labels about how feelingless and primitive the Blackened person is. All the while the controlling person is on the sidelines working the crowd, telling everyone in their sights just how empathetic and emotionally advanced they are. So much so that they can hardly stand this awful situation. This then directs the attention and help to the controller, leaving the Blackened person alone to carry the weight of the crisis themselves. This can lead to isolation and a version of social shutdown.

The “can be” of the Blackened design is they can get forceful and resourceful to a fault. To the degree the Blackened person believes a narrative is equal to the degree they show up in these can be’s. This has high potential to make an unhealthy narrative of being void of emotion look like it could, in fact, be true.

If a Blackened person is at a point where they want to navigate a healthy “Once Upon A Time” Dynamic and turn it into their happily ever after, the best way to start is to communicate what those feelings or emotions will be, when they are past the fix or crisis, so those around them see both sides of the story—the logic and empathy. It would sound something like, “I can see that you are all scared, I’m going to fix this and then we will all talk about how scared we are. For now, let me do my job.” When the controlling people around you start to throw out those unhealthy adjectives from their desired narrative, correct them while you are working and protecting. When they say you are forceful, you follow up with, “I’m just strong.” When they say you are too resourceful, you say “I’m protecting our resources.” Then anyone can negotiate a situation from there.

One of the best things about the Blackened design is that they relate to realness and honesty. It is the hallmark of the Blackened design and it is the beauty of your authenticity. So start there. You can make anyone feel secure just through your actions. When they see your desire to fix, it makes us all feel more stable. Communicate your intentions as you go. It seems so obvious to you what you are doing when you move to fix things, but it is not as obvious to the other designs. The higher you are in the Blackened design the more you don’t enjoy analyzing the dramatic nature of situations. That is what makes you so real, so reassuring, and so secure. Your authentic strength starts from that place. Love it, live it, and celebrate it, and then celebrate others. You deserve it and others do too, because everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Who Are You…Really?” Getting ME Back

Posted on June 25, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

There are many strategies that we as humans use to try and determine whether we can trust someone or not. One of the most common that I have heard about is deciding if people are kind and consistent. Another great way to determine if you can trust someone is if they are authentic. If they are not, it doesn’t always mean they have ill will intended for you, it could just mean they are insecure. Regardless of the reason, it is just a good way to know whether or not you can trust someone, especially with your own vulnerabilities.

If someone is not authentic and is trying to project a self that is not really them, it can mean that they don’t even trust themselves. If this is the case, they might not be a great candidate for someone to confide in or draw close to you. A manufactured self cannot generate anything because they are not a real self, just a projected version of who that person wants you to believe they are.

If you find yourself in a place where you are the one projecting something that you are not, it might be time to ask yourself, “who am I?” and start the process of getting your true self back.

We all seem to experience trials to some degree and, as we have discussed in the past few weeks, that puts us in a position to lose a little or a lot of who we really are. It is at this point we need to do an about face and run right back to who we really are authentically.

*Photo Source: Pexels (text added by Human Art)*

The first step to that is take a trip down memory lane and think about those things that were important to you when you were very young. Children usually don’t have an agenda to impress, they just seem to love to explore, and it seems natural to them to be curious. If you look back to when you were young you will find clues about how you were made, your design, and personality, and what you were beginning to value.

Second, think of your hopes and dreams. What are the things that bring meaning to you and your life? Spend time focusing on and discussing these with safe people around you. It will keep the focus on those things and can create a passion to see them out.

Third, assess regrets. Ask yourself what you regret not doing and, if it is healthy, make a plan to do it or have a do over. Find a way in your situation to slowly incorporate changes in some way to eliminate regret and move forward.

Lastly, remember that your design is unique and you are made completely different than anyone else. However, each design has a few different regrets in common, so it might be a helpful start to evaluate where you want to begin your journey in getting back to who you are authentically.

SATURATED
They love order, so any regrets usually have to do with not having the discipline to create the order around them that they need. They also love appropriateness or dignity so anytime they step off that kind of integrity, it eats at them. If that is the case, it is a good idea to have the healthy conversations needed to set the record straight as to what is really important to them and what they value.

WHITENED
They love enrolling, so when they have had situations where they have left someone out it eats at them. If this is the case, to make it right they either need to go back and make that person feel a part of things or, if that is not possible or unhealthy, just learn from it and correct that dynamic in future interactions. Make sure that same mistake is not repeated. Whitened people also love change, so if you find yourself relating to this and you are not creating the spontaneity in your life that leads to healthy growth, create it. Don’t wait for others to do it, you do it for yourself and enjoy all those that are willing to experience it with you.

GRAYED
They value tradition and thread relationships, so when a tradition gets cut off or a thread relationship in your life has been cut off, this can eat at them. If this is the case, bring back those old important traditions and create them again in a way that is meaningful to you. It might not be exactly the same and with the exact same people, but find components of the tradition that are fulfilling and bring them into the start of a new tradition, be the guard of it, and make sure it happens from now on. Take ownership of it. If relationships have been cut off and they are good healthy relationships, reach out. It doesn’t have to be much. Just a, “hello how are you?” to start that connection again.

BLACKENED
They value tasks and being able to fix it. If they have regrets it usually has to do with not mending or fixing something. If it is healthy and good for everyone around, then take the time to go back and fix what you missed. If it is not healthy, change the expectation of the fix and create a new compartment int your brain for “fixing is not fixing.” It is being able to label it “let it go” or not worth it.” Don’t save unhealthy things as something to fix or check off, just re-label them as not fixable and then you can move on. Take it off the list of things to fix.

These might not be representative of the whole journey of getting your authentic self back, but they are a great place to start evaluating what needs to happen in order to get your authenticity back or make it stronger. You are worth it, and it is a matter of telling those around you that they can trust you because you are honest about who you are.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Getting Our Authentic Self Back After Trauma – The Grayed and Blackened Designs

Posted on June 18, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

We talked last week about how trauma, big or small, can take away our authenticity. It is in those small traumas that occur over time that we are at risk of forgetting who we are and losing our sense of self and self-love. It leads us to give up a little confidence in our self each time we experience self-doubt because of a trauma. Remember, a trauma is anything life changing or that changes life as it was. Someone treating you harshly or really inflicting pain in any way can be considered traumatic and has potential to hit our authenticity. As a personality profiler, it is important to me that if you have experienced this on any level, run as fast as you can back to you authentic self.

When I am picking colors for any project, I consider which ones I will use based on what communication is needed. Last week I talked about how the Saturated and Whitened colors both need to shine; this week let’s talk about Grayed and Blackened.

If the colors selected are Grayed or Blackened, one component that needs to be present, no matter what color it is, is that both these designs relate better to the communication if they are matte. It is common in both designs that the communication is a little more understated. They like things more organic.

It is the same when these types of people are relating to others. Part of experiencing trauma is so much light and attention is shining on the person in a trauma, and just that fact alone can be even more traumatic. When someone in this design gets criticized for wanting to navigate the consequences of the experience in a more understated way, it can lead to extreme behavior in an attempt to protect themselves and get out of the spotlight. This can become a safety strategy over time.

Getting your authenticity back after a trauma
We had a client that experienced this. This client was desperate to find employment but had been treated harshly in past employment. The effects on this client were pretty damaging and in an attempt to keep it in a quiet place they just quietly and without any disruption left and looked for another job. The problem is that part of the criticism from the former boss led them to not trust anyone. In the interviews for each job, the minute the interviewer would ask questions about how they put themselves out there it created fear in our client. In an attempt to combat that fear, they would shut down and malfunction. Needless to say, the job hunting wasn’t going well for a while.

It is important to remember that the Grayed loves things matte and organic but in a refined way. Things that are understated but have been put through a process to make them even more desirable and legitimate. It is the same with the Grayed person. They love to be conservative but in their authenticity it still should be processed and analyzed in calm ways to make things more desirable. More desirable results equals more desirable conversations. The depth of things is where the Grayed design does its best work. Getting in and looking at all contingencies. That is the way back to authenticity.

It is also important to remember that the Blackened design loves thing matte and organic but in an earthy way. Just the way it is and was created. It is what it is. So the understated nature of the Blackened is the “no fuss” part of being in a conversation, or a dynamic, almost always as part of a task. That is the way back to the Blackened authenticity.

Being understated, conservative, or matte is so beautiful, and is a great way to navigate your way back from trauma. Find those things around you that make you feel safe in this form of authenticity. The road back to that place is filled with a collection of understated quiet conversations, calm interactions, and natural and organic experiences. To get there, find someone or something that will fulfill those needs. If they don’t relate to that design its ok, just find someone who will support it and celebrate it. Engage and put effort into things. It’s okay to pace it. Be matte and go deep into things. It is a beautiful way to find the romance and creation of your life.

And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Design Inner Conflict: The Blackened Design

Posted on May 29, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

Navigating and learning to settle our inner conflict is important because it dictates how we solve problems and interact with others. Often, we are not aware of how much our inner conflict gets externalized onto others. Understanding what is going on within ourselves will help us to appropriately navigate those conflicts so we can be successful with ourselves as well as with others.

We’ve already covered what inner conflicts might look like for the Saturated, Whitened, and Grayed designs, so let’s finish off this series by talking about the Blackened.

The Blackened personality likes to line up their boxes each day so they can be efficient with their time. Each box becomes a task and a strong expectation. For example, two boxes may have the same priority at the same time. It is difficult for the Blackened to figure out which one is the most important. Logically, it is hard to bump one of the priorities to second place. This produces a lot of strong emotion. Again, this emotion can get displaced onto others.

Blackened with an Influence of Saturated
If you have a person who is Blackened first with a strong Saturated second, the inner conflict will be over when to move out to do a task. The Blackened is already moving to fix it but the Saturated wants to wait until the task can be done in a quality way. It is not a “start-stop” as much as it looks like a stop. The Saturated stops it but the Blackened is trying to low-key get done what it can while the Saturated is figuring out the quality standard.

Blackened with an Influence of Whitened
If you have a person who is primary Blackened with a strong Whitened second, the inner conflict can be intense. The Blackened’s goal is to get things done. The Whitened is fine with that but it wants to bring people along and socialize it. The Blackened wants people to be working and the Whitened wants to make sure that people are having fun. The inner conflict is, “do I value their work ethic, or do I value how much fun they are having?” It sounds like, “He is a lot of fun but he is not a hard worker,” or “He is a hard worker but he is not fun to be around.”

Blackened with an Influence of Grayed
If you have a Blackened person with a strong Grayed second, the inner conflict is avoidance, because the Grayed part dictates whether the job gets done or not. The Blackened knows immediately what needs to be done. The grayed needs to get the details of the job. If the Grayed cannot get the right details, it goes into avoidance mode. The Blackened criticizes the Grayed for not having the strength to just get it done.

If you have any Blackened in your personality, you will relate to these inner conflicts. A good skill is to put a few “flexibility boxes” into your day and use them to connect with people. The likelihood of all of your boxes happening the way you think they should is a lot lower than you anticipate. So those flexibility boxes create a space for the secondary designs to meet needs.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook