Tag: Details

What Does a Grayed Person Need When We Come to the Table?

Posted on November 19, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When we think of the Holiday Season we are well served to focus on traditions. They provide a thread of connection but can also play a crucial role in securing relationships. Those events, dynamics, and interactions that are the same each time the season comes around give us something to look forward to and provide a dream or event to romanticize the season. If we could take a space of time to stop and ponder on the meaning that each tradition holds for us personally, it will enhance our connections as we come to the table as the holidays unfold.

At Thanksgiving time, as we anticipate coming around the table with those we love, keep in mind the people you want to connect with. If we have a desire to connect at a deeper level or just to get

to know someone even better, we are well served to focus on the details of the connection. A healthy back and forth that leads to sharing and lending is a good place to start when wanting to find out new details of someone you might be sitting next to or someone who is new to the table. When focusing on details of friendships old and new, or family ties from way back when or more recent, everyone loves to bond through getting to know each other on a deeper level.

Details are the strength of the Grayed design, so this week, let’s talk about what is important to those close to us that are Grayed.

Five Things a Grayed Person is Grateful for When we Come to the Table:

1. Providing thorough instructions about what is going to unfold (down to the smallest detail, like when to come to the table, where to sit, when to start eating and what will come next and at what point would you like me do that…).

2. Smaller connections and conversations are more rewarding. Even in a big group, a smaller subgroup is better.

3. Leave time to take it all in. Rushing through things takes away from the interaction and enjoyment of the experience.

4. In conversations, don’t always move too quickly, or look for an immediate answer. Allowing time to process is key.

5. Leave a space for the Grayed to move continuously through the dinner or event. Connect the activities so it feels fluid. If it is right after dinner sipping on hot cider, or as we anticipate the end of the event, slow it all down to think back on all that has taken place.

If we take a few minutes of careful planning to make sure that these things are considered when entertaining our Grayed loved ones, it will insure a better interaction, a deeper connection, and strengthen the future experiences we have with each Grayed person.

Happy Holidays and remember:

Everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

11.14.19 What Does a Whitened Person Need When We Come to the Table

11.6.18 Thanksgiving: Who’s Coming to Dinner?

Who Am I Supposed to Be? Overcoming Self Doubt (Week 3-Grayed)

Posted on October 23, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

If we can, it is a good idea to find a way to stop self-doubt right when it starts to hit us. If we can do that, we can prevent a good deal of worry or possible anxiety. If we let self-doubt take hold, it can spin off to many different forms of doubt. It’s like finding a bees nest and, instead of containing it, just cracking it open and all of the bees are released and start swarming. Imagine our self-doubt as the bees. Once we crack that open and let it take hold it can have a similar result. If we just step back and change the channel at the first hint of self-doubt, it could be very healing and can change our thought process, for that moment at least.

One skill that could help us make that change is to find something to focus on that is happening right now. Changing our channel from self-doubt and worry to curiosity and just watching what will happen next. We can use anything to divert our attention from the worry of self-doubt; something as simple as the temperature outside, hearing a conversation live, watching a person making a meal to see what ingredient is next and how it affects the outcome of the dish. It is just a skill to change the channel in our brain to a different channel of curiosity in the moment.

In early childhood development we can see this dynamic played out almost daily. I love to listen to our clinical team teach this process. I watch a child that is frustrated because they are feeling self-doubt. The self-doubt can come from so many places. It could be doubt because a sibling is getting some attention so they may doubt their importance to a caregiver, it could be they can’t complete a task, or even when they need to share and they don’t have the emotional stamina to be able to tolerate giving up something they want for themselves. Regardless of the circumstances, what is obvious is that the child is doubting themselves. They might not always be able to verbalize it, but they certainly are feeling it.

This is the point they may act out due to their confusion. Those of us around them tend to bite on their behavior without discovering what is happening to them emotionally. As the team is teaching us to watch for that first sign of self-doubt, I can see it; as I learn to intervene by changing the channel and guiding their attention to something else, they literally slide right out of self-doubt and back into healthy interactions. In older children we can then learn to teach the consequence after the channel is changed. In younger children, it seems to be enough to get them to a healthier channel and back in the moment.

This is true for adults as well. Although it is not as infantile, it still shows up. You can see it when they are experiencing a high amount of self-doubt. The “bees nest” so to speak is opened and the swarm of worry starts. That is the exact point we need to change the channel and find something that is happening now, live, playing out right in front of us so we are curious and we are calming down. This puts us back in a neutral place so we are able to use our best thinking instead of infantile survival systems.

Here is an example:

A three-year-old experiences the feeling of being a big brother in the family unit. He is excited and you can see his efficacy grow. He goes to the hospital with his “Big Brother” t-shirt on and gets great amounts of positive attention for being such a good big brother. As his grandparents parade him through the hall of the hospital, he walks proud and puffed up, all ready for this grand adventure, to meet his little brother. He is excited when he sees the new addition to the family, and it punctuates his new role. He is careful and is attentive to the needs of his little brother and feeling very important in the new family dynamic.

A few days later, at the house when the family is home and settling in, the three-year-old notices just how much attention the baby is getting and you can see that first prick of self-doubt. Not even understanding what is happening and why, the swarm hits him. His best system at this point is to react with negative behavior. It is his best communication at the time. He starts to pitch a fit over nothing and the healthy parents see those first signs of self-doubt. Wisely, they change the channel. They ask the three-year-old to come put some ingredients in the bowl for the dinner they are making. There it is. Just simply defusing the self-doubt and bringing the child into something that is playing out in the moment. This moved the child into curiosity and in that state he was able to ask the parent, “am I still important?” The parent then follows the child into whatever conversation is appropriate for his age.

This month we are looking at what self-doubt looks like in each design. This week we will focus on the Grayed design.

In the rapprochement model we know that when a Grayed person gets overwhelmed it is usually due to the fact that they cannot work out the details of something and they move to avoidance; or it could possibly be that they don’t relate to confrontation and they see one coming for them. In these situations, they can experience a great amount of self-doubt that hits them all at once. It is at this time that they feel it, but keep in mind it has been brewing for some time and it is just in this particular moment they realize it has gotten out of hand. Up until this point, they have likely moved to avoid it. We know that they need all the details—what could be, and at what time, and where to be before, and then what will happen, etc.—and if they can’t get them they feel lost. Not knowing all the details can make them feel insecure and overwhelmed, which leads to self-doubt. They also need time to process, so that could be another reason they feel overwhelmed or rushed.

One challenge with the Grayed design is that all of this emotion is processed on the inside. They are having strong emotion, but on the outside they look rather unaffected. You cannot always read them, and they keep some of the details inside. When a Grayed person gets to this point, it plays out something like this in their head. “Well, when I last thought about this it just overwhelmed me. I tried to see where others were coming from, but I am having a hard time expressing how upset I am. I wish they could just read my mind and then they would respond in a way that I might find relief. And now that I’m thinking of it, the fact that they can’t see that about me makes me feel ever more upset…”

Here is an example. A husband and wife were driving in the car. The husband was worried about his birthday coming up because he has a hard time picking a place to celebrate where everyone can enjoy themselves. Each year this conflict comes up and no matter where he picks for his celebration, someone is not happy. He hates the confrontation of that. The wife, not knowing this is going on in his head, says to him, “oh hey your parents called and they want to know where you would like to go to celebrate your birthday coming up?” The Grayed husband says, “hmm..” then 5 minutes of silence goes by before he replies, “yes that sounds great.” The wife is left confused and wondering where she got lost. The husband is wondering why she looks so confused.

If we could plug into the Grayed husband’s thought process, it would sound something like, “Oh I have been thinking about this all year. I have been researching places and I found this one with a lot of different choices. It will give everyone options and I love one particular spot myself, so we all win. I am so excited this year because I think this is just the place. Yes, that sounds great.”

The problem is that a Grayed person does not always know when they are going in and out of the conversation. They are so focused on the details they lose track of whether they are processing inside or if they are actually engaged in conversation. They can really think sometimes they are bringing people along. That was the case with this husband that is so Grayed. The wife, being in a secure place, was able to follow him and simply say, “you just said hum…followed by 5 min of silence then you stated Yes that sounds great.” The Grayed husband was shocked that he had only said those few words out loud. They both had a good laugh and it didn’t turn into an argument, leaving them both in a place to validate and find relief.

If you are high in the Grayed design, stay engaged and bring people along. It is much easier to tell someone that you are feeling uneasy about something and then bring them along each step as you work it out, rather than avoid it all together and then have to deal with a confrontation in the end. It will serve you and it will serve those around you.

Keep focused on one of the hallmarks of your design—your ability to point out details that the rest of us might not of thought of. It helps us consider other possibilities. It helps us expand how we look at things, relationships, and situations. It helps us grow if you stay in the conversation. Remember, you have a sensitivity that is unique and very powerful. It provides empathy and calm when things feel out of control, if used in healthy ways. Try not to think past things. Stay in the moment, and if you find yourself experiencing self-doubt, jump back in and find more details, using your healthy curiosity and discovery.

Remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

Rapprochement: Who is Providing Relief When We Are Overwhelmed? Part 3

Posted on September 25, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

One thing to consider when learning about the rapprochement model is how a person gets overwhelmed. One temperament that is known for lending itself to being overwhelmed is that of sensitivity. To the degree that we are sensitive is the degree, or how frequently, we have potential to get overwhelmed. An example might be two small grandchildren visiting their grandpa. One child is joining their grandfather cheering on a sports event, being loud and is not affected by the noise and commotion. The other might be experiencing the opposite: feeling overwhelmed with the commotion, noise and chaos, and finds the surroundings unsettling. Both children are in the same environment at the exact same time, yet they are experiencing it completely different. In that setting, the child that is feeling overwhelmed is the one in need of rapprochement (or relief) in that moment.

As humans we are sometimes quick to criticize the child that needs relief when compared to the other child in the same situation that doesn’t. This would be a rapprochement foul because it is the situation that is driving the need for relief, not just the child. To prove this point, if you were to flip the activity or environment with these same grandchildren to something that would require a little more sensitivity as a skill, such as navigating a detailed story or staying with a detailed task, the sensitive child will thrive and the other one might get overwhelmed.

It is at the very point that the child is displaying signs or cues that they are overwhelmed that they are in need of healthy rapprochement from a strong, able caretaker that can securely hold their distress and follow them in a conversation to unravel the layers of what is causing them to be overwhelmed. It is a time when we literally need to see it through the child’s eyes and then (with their help) find an integrated declaration and a strong and secure solution for the dynamic. While we are doing this, we are lacing the conversation with encouragement.

As adults, we can fall into this trap when trying to support each other since there is not a child to parent dynamic when trying to comfort each other when feeling overwhelmed. We are in an adult to adult dynamic and the critical piece is that we share equal and mutual power. In some cases, when the other adult in the conversation is displaying sensitivity, we mistakenly read that as infantile and playing the role of a child, and then we take the more dominating position of the adult. It is most often done subconsciously, but nevertheless it leads to more distress on both parts and rapprochement or relief is thrown out the window. So as we interact with adults, we need to remember to continue treating that person as an equal while dealing with the situation.

This month we are focusing on what the rapprochement needs are in each design. Today let’s talk about the Grayed design.

What tends to overwhelm a Grayed person, and how do they find relief?

A Grayed person has a high amount of sensitivity. It is an advanced sensitivity, and when used in a healthy way it is what allows the Grayed person to feel intuitively through situations and pick up on dynamics and emotions that the rest of us might miss. Additionally, once they pick up on those details, they also have an advanced ability to make connections to the contingencies of what’s going on around them. Simply put, they can take the information and carefully connect the dots. This is due to the fact that they will take the time to process what might be, can be, or ought to be for any given situation or conversation.

A Grayed person can get overwhelmed when they are not given the time or the space to process through the aftermath of this advanced intuition. This hit to them can be experienced when they feel criticized or mocked because of the need to think it through. They are conservative, but they have the ability to tolerate extreme situations as long as they can run it through internally first to connect the dots and come up with safe solutions before they run into the drama.

Here is an example:

Let’s go back to the sensitive grandchild in the sports event scenario. If he were allowed to process the details first, he could tolerate the chaos and loud noise just like the other child. If he had advanced warning and could take a little time beforehand to process the event, it would sound INSIDE his mind something like this…

“Okay when we get there, grandpa will have the sports event on. It will be a party so everyone will likely be jumping and cheering. It will be loud. Sometimes the adults get more excited than they usually do in everyday life so they will react differently. Louder. They tend to jump around, so I could get knocked a little. It is all done in fun. I want to have fun with them so I think I will start out by sitting to the side and cheering with them.”

If you want to match their enthusiasm, honor their sensitivity, and bask in the details as they do. If you have an event that you are giving them the details of, tell them the details that you might experience in that setting as well. Listen to their processing and encourage them to bring you along in their thinking, then validate it. Every time I do this with someone that is Grayed, I learn more than they do. They think of things that would never cross my mind. They are thorough, and they help me clean up the things that I miss.

Feeding them details is a great way to support them. If you want to support them when they are overwhelmed, help them unpack the details and organize them into categories that are either solution focused or “things I’m just afraid of”. This sorting helps them keep going and not give up or avoid. They are so good at the details that they can give the same amount of attention to all of them, so helping them get back on track to processing in an inspiring way can feel like a lift. They do not do well with confrontation, so keeping everything on a neutral conversation or collaboration at all times is a great way to support them. Just always be collaborating and bringing each other along. Abrupt starts and stops are very hard on them, so ease them into interactions by picking up where you left off. They see that as compassion and is part of that advanced sensitivity.

Here is another example. In a family that visits Human Art from time to time, one of the daughters is very Grayed and has that advanced sensitivity. The rest of the family is very concrete in their thinking, so they move in a real, logical way to get things done. They find themselves often deeming the Grayed daughter or sister as the “weak one” because she does not move as boldly through life as they do. In one situation, they were in a great amount of stress because the Grayed daughter/sister was not working with them in their daily chores like the others were. They complained that she spent the majority of the time in her room and bathroom with the door locked and wouldn’t participate with the others in daily chores. They expressed their frustration that she would finally come out late, when all of them were done interacting with each other and ready for bed. These accusations frustrated and confused the Grayed daughter and led to her pulling away emotionally from the rest of the family.

When we slowed things down and followed her, we found out that she was in her room so she could take the time to do her chores well so the rest of the family would benefit. When we asked the rest of the family what her chores were, they replied that she was responsible for the upkeep of her room and the bathroom. When we asked the family how well she does those jobs, they went into great detail about how amazing and meticulous those jobs are done, consistently. They even described how she cleans and organizes the drawers and cupboards. One sibling talked about how she would often pack a suitcase when they would go on trips and expressed that it was beautiful to see how organized and prepared the suitcase was. It was done days, sometimes weeks, in advance.

In this situation, the family was missing the Grayed sensitivity and attention to detail. They discovered that they focused more on the fact that she did not come out of her room, and less on the detail of the job she was doing. When they began to help her feel validated, they later explained that she spent more and more time outside of her room and with them because they understood and validated her.

If you are Grayed or have high amounts of the Grayed design in your personality, get in the detailed habit of providing your own rapprochement, and do it in meticulous ways. Ask the questions that need to be asked. Elicit the information or details that are not given to you. Process in that calm way that is the hallmark of your design. Use that advanced and beautiful intuition that we all depend on in healthy ways. Process more, worry less. Get fear out and start connecting all of those beautiful contingencies that life has to offer. Love deep, talk to us more, teach us how to see the world from your strengths, and don’t shut down just because others don’t understand your process.

And always remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

The Pursuit of Perfection: Performing to Belong vs. Being Human, Part 3

Posted on August 26, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

As human beings it is important for us to find relief if we are feeling unsafe. I feel like we are instinctively driven to run to the safest place when we are overwhelmed or need any kind of reassurance or calm. If we find ourselves in a situation where we have no safe place or no person that is safe, we are in danger of then manufacturing or projecting that we are an “OK” human, or that nothing is wrong. That causes us to just step right over those vulnerable feelings; and while we are stepping we are stuffing them down at the same time.

In other words, without a place or person of safety, the only other option is to avoid the vulnerable feelings all together. If you are high in the Grayed design, you might find yourself in that situation if you cannot find safety in working out the details of your feelings or a task.

One of the major dynamics that sets up “performing to belong” in relationships or interactions between a Grayed person and someone with any of the other designs is the dynamic that a Grayed person romances life through the details. It is the details of the process that are so important to them. So, if someone challenges that or, even worse, criticizes them for taking the time on the details, it has the potential to shut them down. It is so hard for them to move through a task in a hurry and not consider each contingency. That very consideration is how they ensure that things will be done correctly and with the most efficiency to produce optimum results. If someone rushes past all that careful consideration, it tends to freeze or shut down the Grayed way of doing things. The Grayed person is left with no alternate plan because they cannot function if things are not thought through and it creates frustration. On top of all of this, a Grayed person does not like confrontation so they are left to just watch as the project, task, or conversations gets hijacked or, from their perspective, tanked. All this leaves them feeling hopeless.

This is where the Grayed design checks out and avoids all together. They are left with nothing else but to project. Project that they don’t care. Project that they are not available. Project that they can’t engage for whatever reason. So here we are, overwhelmed and wanting to run to the safest place—avoidance. That is the Grayed person’s only option in the perfection way of doing things.

If you are high in the Grayed design and you are in the “being human” way of traveling through life, then the place we will find you at any given time is engaging in the details of that journey. The Grayed person is brilliant at sitting back with a calm about them and taking in all of the contingencies of any given situation. In the healthy way of experiencing life through “being human”, the Grayed person is not as concerned with others’ judgement of whether something is good or bad, but are just content with taking in all that is going on around them and finding the richness in each experience or interaction. They are content to support their position of taking the time to understand all sides and, more importantly, where that might lead everyone, not just them. If we would all step back and listen to a healthy Grayed person evaluate a dynamic we’d discover that it is seldom done from a selfish position, it is often evaluated so that everyone benefits.

The hallmark of the Grayed person is taking the time to see the “what could be” or the “what might be” of each situation. They think each fact through to see where it will end up or where it will put us if we make that decision, so they save us a lot of problems or grief from making the wrong choice or getting a bad outcome. If we would allow them a minute or two (or three or more) they will process through any dynamic and they can evaluate the good and the bad. They can see the romance of each choice. If we can resist dismissing them because they take extra time to think things through, then we get to witness the beautiful acceptance and tolerance that they have for life. If you are Grayed and you want to stay in the “being human” lane of life, then you have to do that for yourself. Support yourself while negotiating, and at all costs stay engaged no matter what is happening because you will help us see all of life, not just limited parts of it.

If you find that you have some Grayed in your personality, go ahead and THINK, PROCESS, TAKE TIME, NEGOTIATE, BE THOROUGH, SEE THE CONTINGENCIES, PLAN, AND ALWAYS DREAM!!! Dream in a way that only the Grayed mind can. You will see the beauty and romance in life. You deserve that and you will help the rest of us see that beauty as well. We deserve that too. And remember, everyone is a masterpiece.

Brook

“Once Upon a Time”: How to Prosper in the Grayed Design

Posted on July 22, 2019May 30, 2023 by Brook Thornley

When you are learning to recognize the unhealthy “Once Upon a Time” dynamics in your life or with one or two people around you, I believe we all have the desire to move into a healthier space. Moving out, however, can feel overwhelming, so the tendency is to avoid that action all together. This has potential to lead us to more hopelessness and feeling stuck. Remember that you can move one step at a time. Start to unpack these kinds of relationships, and with each new bit of information just take a little step forward. If you are moving and growing (even if it is slow) you are still on the right track. There is no one behind you with a stopwatch when it comes to discovering new things about yourself and growing (if there is then that could be a problem and is possibly the first place to start unpacking). Each person’s pace and timing on the way to learning how to prosper is as individual as each person is themselves.

What does prosper look like?

GRAYED

For someone who is high in the Grayed design, to prosper is to experience things. It’s all about the journey, and what dictates if the journey is prosperous or successful lies all in the details. Good or bad, they love to dissect and analyze them. It is where the joy and learning lives. The fuel is time. They need time to process the details so they get the most out of every experience that they possibly can. They love to slow down and look ahead to see all the possibilities and contingencies. It is a Grayed person’s playground and it is meticulous and refined.

In the “Once Upon a Time” unhealthy dynamic the main character or Grayed person seems to quickly buy into the projective identity that they are too slow—that is the hook. You would think it would be more complex, but in most cases it isn’t. The controller just has to keep throwing out that storyline and point out all of the times that Grayed person has taken too long. All the controlling person has to do is cast that out there and if the Grayed character bites on it then they themselves will complicate it by adding all of the details and contingencies. The controlling person can now just sit back and watch them swirl. If the Grayed person starts to analyze in a healthy way, the controlling person will quickly recast another line out full of examples of how they are taking too much time. They will sometimes say it is unnatural.

The” can be” of the Grayed design is that they can overthink, get overwhelmed, and then avoid. That is dangerous because they tend to shut down and lose their curiosity; it’s as if they leave their post and the controller is now present to do whatever damage they want with no one there to neutralize those hits.

If a Grayed person is at a point where they want to navigate the “Once Upon a Time” dynamic in a healthy way and turn it into their own “happily ever after,” the best thing is to start with listening in the very meticulous ways that the Grayed design is known for. Use your discovery first and when you hear repeated statements that seem peppered or harsh, like, “you think too much,” “You overthink things,” or something else to that effect, that might be the best place to start. You can analyze those relationships. The next step is to engage in conversations. Start by simply asking questions and then looking for open-ended answers that can lead to a healthy conversation. Then that is when you support yourself in asking for what you need. If you need more time, negotiate for it. If you need more answers, ask for help. When someone tells you that you are slow, tell them you are meticulous and ask if they have a specific time in which they need an answer. All these will get you back into your authenticity. Most importantly, stay engaged in finding that healthy place, and then support yourself by staying there.

The Grayed “can be” to get overwhelmed can be a barrier—don’t let it be. If you feel overwhelmed, break down what is overwhelming you personally first, then make a plan for that. If you try and complicate it with what is overwhelming others when you are trying to get your answers it will get you in a place where you spin out because you can’t connect it all. Just make your connections first, then from that healthy place help solve the others. Just stay engaged at all costs. I mean stay engaged in your process and protect it.

One of the best things that the Grayed design offers is your ability to stay calm. Because you tend to be understated and conservative you don’t make bold moves all the time. Most the time you are constant and methodical and that brings a calmness to a room, a conversation, or task. Stay in that value and don’t let anyone convince you that you are not those things. Think about healthy things because your design tends to process what you are focused on.

You deserve your process. You deserve your authentic route. We all do, because everyone is a masterpiece.

-Brook