Category: Authentic Self

Let’s NOT Eat Worms: Overcoming Barriers (Part 3)

Posted on by Brook Thornley

This week, we are continuing our discussion of ways to jump start our self-love (Read Part 1, Read Part 2) by talking about step 3: Accountability is all you….. guard your perimeter.

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How about let’s not eat worms. In the song the kids sang, “I’m going to go eat worms,” the original problem was not that these kids really wanted to eat worms, the original problem, or BARRIER, was that the kids believed no one liked them. They really thought they had no or very little value. So the “go eat worms,” part was just the product of how they felt, and what they believed about themselves. In their responsibility to themselves, believing that no one liked them was an example of  not showing up for themselves. It was completely understandable because they were just small children. As adults though, we have to really think about our responsibility to ourselves. We are responsible to heal our own wounds.

In our relationship with our self, our belief system is crucial. Our belief system, or what we believe about ourselves, can either be our accountability or responsibility for our self or a big barrier that we cant seem to get past. Whichever of the two we believe is how we will show up in every aspect of life.

When we are not responsible for our self we show up wanting to be rescued. The hard part of this dynamic is that sometimes it is tempting to just sing the part “I’m  going to go eat worms,” as loud as we possibly can in hopes that someone will hear it and respond in a rescuer role.  That weak part of us would really like someone to stop and notice we just sang the “GO EAT WORMS” part of the song and they gasp and say, “did someone say they were going to go eat worms!? We cant have that! I will be responsible for their pain and take it all away!” That seems like an attractive option sometimes, it would be a lot easier. The problem is, it does nothing for our sense of self, our self esteem, or self love. If someone is constantly trying to rescue you we really have to look at that relationship. In that role, especially if they show up again and again saving us (whether it is intentional or unintentional), they are robbing us of our power and independence and become a controller in our life.

(Photo Credit: pixelery / 123RF Stock Photo)

A much better option is to show up in our responsibility to our self.  Move our own barriers. The best way I know how is through our authenticity, our design. Hold on to the traits we love about our design. If you are Saturated, love that you are a clear thinker and use that precision to march right through your barrier. If you are Whitened, use your social engagement and your strong ability to handle change and love it, to spring right over any barrier. If you are Grayed, no one can stick to a process like you can and find depth in the details; it’s like your consistency can evaporate the barrier. And if you are Blackened, it’s your ability to get things done–because you innately find the why, how, when, what to the barrier–that lets you take an emotional sledge hammer to the barrier so you never have to deal with it again (and no one else will either); you just destroy it with your hard work.

The important part is to know who you are and to be able to describe your authenticity through your design. Then when you know it put it in that space all around you; what we call our personal space. Remodel it with your authentic self and all the traits that come with your design. As you move around going about your day, so will those traits and the feeling that comes with them. Guard that perimeter and keep the bad out and the good in. It’s really up to you. Your new song will be about  how much you love yourself.  We can finally leave the worms out of the story.

Remember everyone is a masterpiece, especially you.

-Brook


If you are interested in overcoming your barriers, at Human Art: The Original Personality Test we can teach you how to create a profile of your personal design. Learn more about the services we offer here.

“Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, I’m Going to go Eat Worms”

Posted on by Brook Thornley

“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m going to go eat worms!” It is true, some of the kids in my neighborhood when I was a little girl would sing this little song or chant often. The interesting thing is this little group of kids were the very kids that I loved and admired.

I saw a bit of this same dynamic in junior high. There was a girl that ran in the same circle of friends as me that would seek me out sometimes and tell me she really needed to talk to me. When she had my attention, she would declare with a lot of pain in her demeanor, “No one will talk to me. I don’t have one person that will listen to me. I am invisible.” That struck me so strange because I was sitting there with loads of empathy for her. I believed her. I am telling you, I could feel her pain. I could see it, but at the same time I was confused because I was sitting there listening to her. This leads me to a very important subject.

As a child we have to wait for others, especially adults, to entreat us, to listen to us, to validate us—and often times they don’t. They fall short. To those who have experienced this pain I am sorry this happened. Looking forward, as an adult, we must be aware that it is a totally different thing or dynamic in ord

er to heal. We are now responsible for healing our own wounds.

I’m cringing right now because sometime when I say this it has the possibly of coming across as a minimization of the deep-rooted pain that in some cases is very real. It might even elicit some defenses.

Don’t stop reading. My intent is exactly the opposite. If we can accept this and run in to it, it will do the opposite. It will provide relief.

The most important part of healing your own wounds is to love yourself.  This is all about your sense of self or self love. It falls in the category of your relationship with yourself, not your relationship with others. If you have no idea what your relationship with yourself looks like just examine your self talk. How you talk to yourself is an indicator of how you feel about yourself.

I want you to find a pen and write the following down somewhere, or put it on your screensaver on your phone, or where ever you will see it often.

WE CAN ONLY ACCEPT LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE FROM OTHERS TO THE LEVEL WE LOVE AND ACCEPT OURSELVES.

We are going to walk through 3 steps of jumpstarting your sense of self or your self-love or your self-esteem, however you want to put it.

The 3 Steps Are:

  1. Whatever you want in your life…you must become
  2. Find your freedom through your customized value system
  3. Accountability is all you….. guard your perimeter

I would like to focus on number one today and then we will address the other two in the following weeks.

1. Whatever you want more of in your life, you must become

For example, if you want people to seek you out then you must be the type of person that seeks out others. If you want people to talk to you, you must talk to others. If you want more kindness in your life, your priority must be being kind to others.

Too often we sit in our wound and wait for others to come fix it; yet we can’t see that they are trying but don’t hold the healing ability. You are the only one who does. Yes they can be a support system, but asking them to do it for you is called “outsourcing your healing.” It is literally like trying to hire it out. It never works; it will fail you. It is like wanting to go swimming at a public pool with the desire to enjoy the water, but driving there and sitting in your car, refusing to get out, and waiting for someone to bring the pool to you with all the fun that comes with it—the life guard, the people splashing, the sun…And when that doesn’t happen we are left disappointed in others; that they let us down and, because of their lack of thoughtfulness that they didn’t show up for us, we didn’t get to enjoy the water. I think we have all experienced a version of that in one way or another. The fallacy is that we are not looking at our responsibility to ourselves.  If we want to enjoy the water, we have to go jump in.

This week I challenge you to try being exactly what you want more of in your life. See what shows up. If you do, the healthy people who can enjoy it with you will start showing up to meet you there. That is good information. And for those who don’t or can’t show up that way; it is okay. They are learning also. Don’t judge. Who knows, maybe in your new place of showing up as the person you want to be might inspire an idea of who they want to be. Someday they might surprise you and meet you there. For now, enjoy the water and be patient with one another because everyone is a masterpiece!

-Brook

**If you want more help in discovering what you want more of in your life, become a member of the Human Art Classroom and learn more about your personal design.

Understanding a Sense of Self Injury

Posted on by Brook Thornley

A client came in to Human Art the other day and expressed that she was struggling to make some big decisions in her life. Rod, our clinician, asked her if she thought she might be experiencing a “sense of self injury”. She replied, “how could I have an injury to my sense of self if I don’t even have one?” I have been thinking a lot about that conversation. If we don’t know who we are isn’t that an injury in and of itself? Thinking about our sense of self causes us to pause and examine our authenticity. That person we were when we were born. 

I love watching toddlers because they seem to be functioning at all times in their authenticity. They could be in a diaper with their tummy sticking out, their hair could be tousled, and food or drool dripping down the front of them and you can tell in their mind they are the most amazing human ever. They don’t seem to even consider that something could remotely be wrong with them. It is brilliant. I love to watch them move around the room from toy to toy, completely free to be who they are.

Then as we grow life throws some things at us. Not all of them are positive. That is the beginnings of a “sense of self injury”. When we experience criticism or rejection for using one of our authentic traits in the best way we know how, we run the risk of rejecting that trait ourselves (because it did not serve us in that moment, so we think). In our head we seem to declare that we will never do that again. But the way we are made up in this human experience it’s like our soul will not let us be without a trait, so we create one in its place. For example if someone was being kind and others were mobbing them and making fun of them for being kind, they might reject that trait. In their head it might sound like, “well I am not going to be kind again.” They then consider a new trait to replace it. “I will be rude instead, then no one can hurt me.” That is what is referred to as a manufactured self. It is not who we truly are. As we go along in life, the more we reject who we are and try and replace it with a manufactured trait the more we run the risk of divorcing our authenticity all together. That is an egoic self.

So it boils down to asking ourselves: are we a version of our authenticity, or are we a version of a manufactured self? Spend some time on your relationship with yourself. We all have one. It manifests through our self talk. Are we striving to be authentic or are we in a constant state of projection? These are important questions to ask ourself.

Learning who we are and how we are made up becomes what we hold on to and determines what we value in life. At Human Art: The Original Personality Test, we work tirelessly to help one to find their authenticity. We teach people how to define it, to use it, to celebrate it and to love it.

Remember, at Human Art: The Original Personality Test, everyone is a masterpiece.

Navigating the Holidays: What we can Learn from the Grinch Who Stole Christmas

Posted on by Brook Thornley

One year around Christmas when I was pretty little a teacher read the story, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” I remember because it was right around this time of year; just before Thanksgiving and then Christmas was the next holiday. I fell in love with all of the characters but it was when I got to experience the show on TV that, for some reason, I really fell in love with the Grinch. He just warmed my heart from the beginning.

In order to understand why I fell in love with him you have to freeze the beginning of the story and look at it and name what was real or what it looked like. For me, even as a little girl, I remember watching the very beginning of the show and thinking, as they scanned his life and his circumstances, there was a feeling of desperation. Although I couldn’t define it as a young girl I certainly felt what, as an adult, I have learned to be a feeling that he was totally overwhelmed. I remember vividly when they introduced his living conditions—how he was a bit isolated, how limited his resources were and how he put antlers on his dog to make a reindeer—feeling overwhelmed for him. That is the exact reason that I loved this story and the exact reason I fell in love with the Grinch. He was just moving forward the best way he could.

The challenge the Grinch faced is that he was in what is called his emotional personality in a big way. Our emotional personality is the part of us that splits off when we get overwhelmed. It is designed to help us survive tough things and it has its own skills and even its own set of likes and dislikes that are completely opposite from our authentic self.

I remember being so happy at the end of the show when he returns to his authentic self and is seen for who he really was all because compassion and kindness were present.The key word or feeling in this example of the Grinch who stole Christmas was OVERWHELMED. When we hit overwhelmed it puts us immediately into our emotional personality. If we don’t learn how to navigate that part of ourselves well, it has potential to go destructive quickly.

I think around the holidays we have high potential to become overwhelmed. My fear for myself and others is that we have potential to be drawn to things that could overwhelm us. Like how things look or projections. Fear of feeling isolated or not having enough. Feelings of inadequacy of any kind. These feelings or circumstances can lead to feeling overwhelmed when we focus on them.

In the story of the Grinch, if only he could have marched down to Whoville and shown his authentic self from the very beginning and just defined what was real (all of his flaws but also that great big heart when it grew two sizes) I have no doubt they would have loved him from the beginning and not had to navigate the emotional self and all the destruction it brought with it. In the end they finally did get to enjoy the real Grinch and, here is the best part, so did he. He got to enjoy himself and interact and form relationships with those around him by simply being who he really was. He was able to integrate the challenges with all that good to tell a complete story. The real one that tells who he really is and celebrates all aspects of his life: the wins, the losses, the pain and the triumphs. And he can be grateful for all of it because it defines him and at the same time others can have compassion for how hard his challenges were to navigate.

Come Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and even New Years, just get out there and be who you are, in whatever shape and form it is right now: a work in progress, but an amazing work at that. Be more authentic, work harder to understand yourself. Don’t become a Grinch and hide it, twist it, or project something that it is not. When you begin to feel overwhelmed, recognize it and don’t let your emotional personality take over. Understand yourself, celebrate your authentic design, and then celebrate others. Work hard to understand them and their journey as well. This will most certainly lead to more happiness, more peace, better interactions, and a true sense of what really leads to a happy holiday season. And keep in mind as you navigate the events of the season….Everyone is a masterpiece!

 

Self Esteem: Falling in Love With Our Authentic Self

Posted on by Brook Thornley

To me, self esteem is the product of a process more than it is a trait that you just obtain in one simple attempt.  Quite often people come to Human Art with the request to help them restore their self esteem and we are always excited to start that process. It makes me reflect on how much this request comes up and how often certain skills are needed and have to be learned to start that process. To be honest I think we all need a little bump in our self esteem here and there. So it would prove us wise if we would take a little time to evaluate how we are actually measuring our self esteem and who we are enlisting to evaluate our progress and our worth.

How are we measuring? We will never find self worth if we constantly look externally for our worth. When we look externally for our worth it usually comes in the form of comparing. Comparing ourselves to others or comparing our situation to others’ situations. I promise you that looking externally for your worth will fail you because you are comparing yourself to someone who is totally different from you. Someone with their own design and own version of authenticity that has nothing to do with your design and looks nothing like yours.  Yours is truly unique, like no one else’s.  So we need to look internally and start the process of finding the good in ourselves.

When we enlist ourselves to measure our growth, and base it on our authentic self, we succeed.  We are the master of our own design. We know it better than anyone else (besides God) so the trick is falling in love with ourselves and who we really are. Self esteem grows out of a sense of self and our sense of self grows out of a healthy autonomy. I emphasize GROWS. Day by day. Situation by situation. It doesn’t happen immediately or just once. It is largely defined by our efficacy—our ability to have a good result and, more importantly, a safe outcome in each situation or small interaction. The ability to engage more fully in interactions leads to our ability to affect our emotional stability.

So let’s take a Whitened client for example. Their ability to affect a situation comes from their spontaneity. It is creativity and enrolling at its best. That kind of thinking is out of the box which can lead to solutions we may not have ever considered. The thought process looks an awful lot like brilliant bubbles popping up with ideas to consider.

The other three designs think differently, so they might not understand the process and label it as careless.  They say it’s too many bubbles (ideas) and would take to many resources to carry out. “It’s unrealistic,” they might say. Because they think differently they might miss the fact that each bubble is a consideration that leads to other considerations and other ideas, which leads to a solution that was never entertained before. The point is, it still ends up being one or two solutions they just dance through a lot of bubbles to get there. Then comes the criticism. Sometimes delivered by the other person, but all too often by themselves. The Whitened person now feels like their ability to effect a good result is gone, their ability to produce a good outcome diminishes, and they are left feeling unsafe and with lowered self esteem.

Each design has their way they need to be effective and really feel efficacy.  If they cannot obtain those results it leads to self doubt and then low self esteem.  So make sure you are aware of the results that you need:

Saturated: Clarity and the ability to produce quality outcomes (whatever you might deem quality).

Whitened: Enrolling and change that is important to all the social circles in their life.

Grayed: Minding the details and the importance of them. They need the space and time to be thorough.

Blackened: To be effective you need to just get it done.  Finish what you started, get the result based on the expectation.

So don’t fall into the trap of minimizing the need to be effective in your design. Your ability get results is yours and it defines your brilliances. No one else has it in the way you do. Don’t expect them to totally understand it, just support yourself and start negotiating in a healthy way. Also understand and honor others around you by honoring their process and need to be effective.

Everyone needs self respect
Everybody needs to effect good results
Everybody deserves emotional safety
And most importantly…
Everyone is a masterpiece.